Life guidance/moan thread

Hi.
Intro
Sorry to butt in like this. I am not sure where to go really. This forum seems a nice place to be judging from other threads and replies. Above average thought seems to have been put in to replies so I thought I would give this a go. As normally when I write long replies, my threads in other forums are left ignored/not taken seriously. I'd link you to it but maybe another day since this is what is going through my head right now.

Epilogue
Here's my current situation. I feel numb. I feel average and unsatisfied with life. I am bored.

I passed high school with average grades. I passed sixth form college with average grades. I even passed university with average grades. My life has thus been average.

Reason for living
Video games keep me alive. For when I am not in pain due to fever/illness I would describe I do not feel alive. I have zero friends. Zero contact with the outside world unless I have to due to work. Apart from my parents, no one really talks to me by choice, and that seems like a challenge.
Video games give me something to do to finish my boring day. Something to look forward to at the end. And when I was unemployed for 4 months I spent alot of time playing video games probably to escape of this boring thing called 'life'.

I would probably say if my parents died tomorrow then it would not really be worth living. Because apart from them who cares about me? I don't even care about me.

I am also craven to do the "s" word.
Self doubt
I have been fat my whole life ever since I can remember. I guess food is another reason to live, makes life that little bit more interesting although if I am honest I only like particular type of food. I'll spare you the details but it consists of pizza, chips, vanilla coke and you get the idea (junk food).

Self-conscience
I have started a new job, afraid in sales. It seems the only job I am capable of getting. I hate it. I don't really need money (I have savings) it's just that I am very self-conscience and don't want to be seen as a bum in front of my parents that has made me to accept this dead end, shit pay, shit job. I hate it. Why the fuck do I work making some other cunt get rich in exchange for being a mindless wage slave? What the fuck is going on in this world?

Ambition
Sure I am some meagre ambitions. Get a better car. Get a house. Average things that average people want I guess but I can't even get an average paying job yet.

Thoughts
I hate people, I hate customers, I hate my life, I feel like shit. I feel stupid - I'm sure other people have more immediate concerns such as where their next fucking meal is coming from and oh shit I hope this fever won't kill me tonight since I've got no money to buy medicine.
Is that who I am? A selfish moaner? I hate people like that. I guess that goes back to hating myself.

Change of job?
I thought since I hate people I would try and get into accountancy to save me wading through the bullshit that people come out with. I figured this is an office job working with numbers I might try and do this. I went in for a test today in my local college for an introductory course. The good news I got offered a placement. The bad news is I am average, 'good effort' he said. Just average. I have never been particularly been good at anything.

Feel like shit statement
I am not sure what to do with my life. I am 22 years old and can never remember honestly the last time I felt "happy". That's a lie. I do actually, about 4 months ago I got made redundant = happiest day of my life. I hated working there.

Life action
So what have I done to change?

1. I am currently on a weight-programme. I sit there and listen to other peoples boring lives for 1 hour after I get weighed. I have stayed the same weight for the past 2 years. It goes up, it goes down. The average has been the same.

2. I have enrolled on Accountancy course in hope to send my CV/resume to other bullshit companies to get a higher paying job to fulfil my average ambitions in a workplace where hopefully there is much less contact with humans.

3. I am looking into learning German. Make things more interesting - stand above the crowd of other average people like myself competing for the same bullshit jobs. The relevance of which I am from Europe (UK) and Germany (speaks German, see the connection?) possesses the biggest economy in Europe and the only country that seems to know what the fuck is going on re: economy in Europe.

4. Any other suggestions?

What now?
Thought writing that shit would make me feel better ('let off steam') but unfortunately it has been unsuccessful at this time.

 

How about being a computer programmer/ IT type guy?
You may have the right personality for it, and you could put your interest in video games to good use. (I admit I know nothing about video games and may be making a leap connecting them with computer aptitude).

 

IT/computers programming is about the last type of job this guy should get. It is very boring and you have to deal with people all day. And then once you get done for the day, then playing on the computer/video games isn't quite as fun as it should be. The fitness level of IT people isn't the best either.

It will be a long process, but you have to come up with a plan to improve your life if you are this depressed and unhappy. There are some things under your control that you have a choice over, and other things that you don't have control over. You just never know what will happen in the future, but you can help make certain things more likely to happen...

 

So, first of all, welcome.

Second of all, allow me to sympathize: I have done weight programs before, and they mostly suck. 90% of them are worthless unless you're either stuck trying to drop an extra twenty or thirty pounds, or you don't have much in the way of high-level thought or emotion happening inside you. You might try to find a different program; you might also want to work on self-acceptance-- doesn't have to be an either/or, it can be both. But weight is a long struggle. I'm 40, and still dealing with it, with varying levels of frustration-- but not with the crazed despair and self-loathing I had when I was just a little younger than you.

Third, and I say this with nothing but sympathy and support: you need a therapist. And you probably also need anti-depressants. There's no shame to either. I myself had over fifteen years of therapy, and it did me nothing but good. And half the people I know are on anti-depressants, and they are much happier for it, and are brilliant, creative, productive people.

And, dude, you're 22: you are entitled by the natural laws of God and man to be a mess. That's what being 22 is all about. The years from 10 to 25 are the hardest in a person's life, generally speaking. Cut yourself some slack.

I think anti-depressants would be a huge help for you (bearing in mind you also may have to do a bit of tinkering with finding just the right one, and the right dosage, and whatnot). But over and above them, you need to get started on serious inner work, stat. While chemical imbalances may contribute to what you're feeling, it almost certainly is also because of emotional issues and a lack of inner framework and methodology to help support yourself beyond survival-level coping. Don't be shy about it: therapy rocks. It's hard work, don't get me wrong. And finding the right therapist can be tricky: you may have to do intro sessions with several, until you find one with whom you have chemistry. And the effects won't be immediate. But I promise you, if you find a therapist, go, and really keep at it for a while, there will come a day when you wake up, are amazed at how much less everything sucks, and realize with stunned joy that this is what it feels like to be getting your shit together.

There are other things you should pursue, in addition: you need to find your passion and follow it; you need to choose objectives in life that help you create meaning; you need to develop love for yourself.

But those things, and everything else like them, can't happen before you start inner work, and probably before you start some kind of anti-depressant. Don't be ashamed. Don't be self-judgmental about it. Don't worry about what others might think or say. Just see a doctor, and start looking for a therapist. You are a good person, with a lot of potential, and you deserve to be happy and free to fulfill that potential. You do not have to be this unhappy, and suicide is not the answer.

 

This is a key point and I totally missed it.
I was a freaking mess from 15 to about 22. So much angst about so many things.
It definitely gets better.
I'm in my mid 40's now and much more content. Give it time, but also consider the other solid advice above.

 

Hmm. Where to begin? Well first of all thanks for your replies.

Second I both really pleased I wrote that and feel really awkward. I am pleased because of seriousness of the matter you guys have responded sincerely. Special thanks to Levite who seemed to have taken an extended personal time to reply (I am not sure of forum etiquette, should I have even mentioned that? I don't want to exclude the others because I appreciate all the replies, just that Levite's response seemed to be at a more personal level which I thought I would give special mention).

On one level I have been informed this process may actually be normal - a great revelation. In another I consider myself a very private person, it is hard for me to get to know someone, talk with them naturally. I think I have become too self-conscious or something. Something which up until recently I was unaware. It took alot of effort for me to expose that behind the safety of the telephone line and I am afraid I won't be comfortable in the real world. Umm...maybe I shouldn't be saying this but up until recently (1.5 years) I couldn't go into a shop and buy something on my own because ? I don't know - it just didn't feel right - people watching you, thinking about what you are doing etc. Crazy, I know. Alot of mental effort goes into suppressing these thoughts of mine. Recently I was on the underground (subway) and I noticed this person staring at me and looking at my shoes. Wow, you wouldn't realize how much I wanted to be out of that train then! But I managed, thinking to myself "he's probably not thinking about you" " he's probably not thinking about you".

Another thing whilst I remember it. My parents think by "talking" will make me feel better if I've had a bad day at work. I find it has the opposite effect - makes me think about the place even more, why would I want to talk about let alone think about that place more than I have to? As you can see, I'm not very comfortable of the whole therapist idea...sorry.

Anyway. Hope this reply was ok.

 

I hear you. Social awkwardness goes along with being young, and it also sounds like you're naturally an introvert, which can make social interaction challenging or even frightening. I'm also an introvert, though I have a streak of extroversion that I've worked hard to bring out. In part, this may just always be challenging; but in part it may get better the more you focus on inner work and get closer to real self acceptance.

You should know that while it can certainly be hard to open up to a therapist, that's one reason it's such a long process. Talking to a therapist is not like talking to your folks or a friend: those people are actively involved in your life, and have their own hopes and dreams for you, their own judgments about what you should or shouldn't do, etc. A therapist's office is a completely safe space. The therapist is objective, yet committed by oath to being sympathetic to you, to being on your side. Their only agenda about you is for you to be you to the best of your abilities, to be healthy and happy, and for you to get in touch with yourself and learn the techniques for how to put your life in balance, and maximize your personal fulfillment, in whatever ways you choose, and whatever ways work for you. That doesn't mean the first few sessions might not be difficult for you-- they probably will be. But if you can make yourself stick with it, I promise you, it will get better, get easier (in some ways), and it will be helpful.

You might also, when you ask your doctor about anti-depressants, ask about a mild anti-anxiety medication. My mom takes anti-anxiety meds, and she is far happier with them, and functions way better (she's quite introverted, more so than I am).

Again I stress that none of what you're experiencing is rare or strange, nor is it uncontrollable or unresolvable. I won't lie: working on it is likely to be hard, especially at first. But it can and will work if you find the right therapist, if you stick to the process, if you get on the right meds in the right dosage.

I have been big my whole life. I was often unhappy and often lonely until I was just a bit younger than you, and started therapy, started meditation, and got into theater. Ever since, though still big, and occasionally encountering rough patches, I am basically happy with myself, stable, have friends (small circle, mostly, but good friends), and have dated great girls, and had lots of awesome sex, and other positive experiences.

My point isn't to brag but to point out that if I can do it, you can do it. The strange thing about inner work is that even though it takes a huge amount of strength and energy, eventually it generates more than it consumes. Therapy and/or meds is the first step, but not the last. I don't want to mislead you and think that if you just get on anti-depressants and find a good therapist, all your troubles will up and vanish like a fart in the wind. But you'll be building a foundation to make a stronger self. What comes next might be meditation or yoga,it might be philosophy or poetry, it might be art or music or theater, it might even be something physical. You might get a lot out of tai chi, for example. But whatever you pursue in aid of making yourself a richer, more meaningful life, you need self-acceptance, self-worth, a sense of who you are, what you want to be here for, and the beginnings of basic self-confidence.

Don't be daunted, bro. You can totally find happiness and a satisfying, meaningful life. It can be done, and you deserve it.

 

Listen to Levite. Finding a good therapist, discussing your concerns, getting a plan together with a professional can only do you good.

It sounds as though, in addition to some depression you may have some social or general anxiety disorders. I had these when I was your age, too. It's a horrible feeling when you think people are staring at you or worse, talking about you. But there is help for that. Practice practice practice. And perhaps medication. But there is hope!

My suggestion is to find a therapist first. He/she can be of great assistance in all the things you mentioned and can help you fix your life one step at a time so you don't get overwhelmed.

Good luck and keep us updated!