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Dominant and submissive, as a complete lifestyle.

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by Chris Noyb, Apr 8, 2014.

  1. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    We all have our own tastes and styles.
    This song turns on in my head every time I open this thread.

     
  2. I only want control in the sense of not being passed around, that is a hard limit for me. I have an issue with being shared with another man. My giving up control is what people have said ...love based. I have no idea what that means, but for me giving my heart and soul to someone, and having him use me as a foot stool is a big deal. I could not just give this freely, and have a man order me around, and have his friends use me. I understand some like this, and great more power to you.
    Thank you for your posts, because I am seeing the theme of ....to each it's own. I do not think there is an answer to the thread, and the roles are ...what it means to you, and your own cravings, or way to live.
    I know what I like, but if someone loves being with a train of 10 men and used as a lamp shade, who am I to judge? I guess when you have feelings outside of what society says is normal, you want to understand it .
    I think my current issue at the moment is I am actually feeling emotions, and as smart as I have thought I was in the past...I was very repressive, and did not put myself out there to get hurt. I am ready now, and of course it scares me, and at times I act like an idiot. I really am in uncharted waters for me, but so what. lol
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    As I posted, at what point does the sub's right of refusal diminish the purpose of a D/s relationship? Scenarios where the D/s roles clash:

    Dom orders sub to wear a black nippless bra under a tight sheer white top, and a tight clingy skirt with no panties.
    Sub obeys.
    Dom drives sub to a crowded bar/club.
    Sub refuses to go into the bar/club.

    Sub had a very good friend that moved across the country, she hasn't seen her in several years.
    Friend is in town for one night only.
    Sub asks Dom's permission to meet up with her friend.
    Dom refuses permission.
    Sub decides to meet friend anyway.
     
  4. shanifaye

    shanifaye Dominissive

    Location:
    Lilburn, GA
    First off, hello old timers, I've been away for a bit :) This thread was brought to my attention because I'm the resident "authority" on the "lifestyle"

    To the OP - Unless you are someone that is wired for this kind of lifestyle, most of it won't make sense. There ARE people in the world that want to live this way. My best friend is like becauseican and frankly because I'm a dominant I don't fully wrap my head around it. She wants someone to make all the decisions in her life. I've known this girl since she was 8 years old, and she is not a "weak" woman and she is very self sufficient...she just wants to totally give herself to someone like that. Unfortunately finding a good Dom these days is extremely difficult. Portrayals of BDSM on tv and in books such as 50 Shades of Grey are not real life, neither is the porn version. I know there is a thread around here on the books, so I'm not going to say much about them other than they are total crap and not real life.

    Unfortunately, these days there are more bad Doms than good ones. Someone who read those books and think thats the way it should be and the person that thinks they want to be submissive is at the hands of an abuser. You do not just wake up one morning and BAM you're a submissive (or Dom), there is training involved....yes I said training. There are rules out the wazoo to learn, protocols to learn and follow and while you have a set of "core" rules, the rest are kind of made up according to the relationship. Those who know me, know that Dave and I have been training and mentoring people interested in the lifestyle for almost 11 years, but there are SO many variables and we cant teach everything. The MAIN thing is respect, on both sides. The Dom has to have respect for the submissive and it goings without saying it goes the other way round.

    A GOOD Dom is going to have his slave/submissive's emotional AND physical well being at heart. They are not going to do things, or have the submissive do things that could endanger them. Thats not to say there are not limits tested and pushed, because frankly until you try something you don't know exactly what your limit is. You can THINK, oh man, I'd never be up to doing a,b,c,d but the mind is a funny thing and when we train we find most people expanding their thinking thus expanding their limits on some things. Sometimes they find they limits are closer in than they thought.

    Mine and Dave's relationship is different because we are two married Dominants (and yes that makes for some very interesting sex :p ) BUT because of our natural inclinations, the roles in the household and lifestyle fall into place with perfect synchronicity. Back in the 90's I tried to be a submissive, but it's just not in me. I don't hold with people telling who, what, when, where, and how (in BDSM there is no why) and as hard as I tried it just wouldn't work. Dave is THE only person I've ever been able to fully submit to, he is the ONLY person that has ever been able to put me in sub space (and that is a beautiful thing), but even as long as we have been together we have limits. Neither of us is into any kind of humiliation, we believe positive reinforcement brings about proper behavior (this comes from both of us being bullied severely as kids) He will teach it if the student wants it...I wont, I dont want any part of it, but it is something that is NEVER part of our relationship. Some people thrive on it, and if it works for them fantastic, the problem is a submissive and Dominant that are right for each other finding each other.

    You don't just go to a club and say, "oh look, that guy is hot and he's the one I want" You HAVE to have the same philosophies. Sharing was mentioned and that is a big thing in the lifestyle. It is not at all uncommon for a Dom to share his slave because its what he wants, and yes it is entirely possible to love someone AND want to see them have sex with another person, I am living proof of that. That is something that should be made clear in the contract from the very beginning. Personally I don't share my slaves, and I don't allow them to sub for anyone else, they are mine and mine alone for one very simple reason. Exposing a sub to another Dom makes the sub confused IMO, they have to remember to many rules for too many people and to me that is not emotionally healthy.

    When we train people we make them start as a sub (yes partly because I'm sadistic :p ) BUT the main reason we do that is 2 fold. A LOT of people come to us thinking they want to be a Dom and find out rather quickly its just the opposite. Training brings out something they didn't know they had in them. The other reason is because our philosophy is: You CANNOT be a good Dom if you have no clue what you are doing to the other person. How it makes them feel and think. If you do not know what it feels like to get caned, flogged, restrained, etc how do you know what you are doing to the other person? How do you know when to stop? (remember ouch is not a safe word) If you do not experience the total euphoria that can come of someone having put you in sub space and giving you the best mental mind fuck EVER, how do you what you're doing to the other person? So, we make it clear up front with people that want to work with us....you start out on the bottom if you want to be a Top and they are free to walk away and find someone else if they think they are too "good" to go thru that.

    When a Master collars his slave they have to be on the same page as to what is and isn't allowed. Just because a sub becomes collared does NOT automatically mean that you are your Master's only slave. A sub can give their heart and soul to a Master but that doesnt mean its reciprocated (or even needed, depending on the dynamic of the relationship) The only "constant" in a D/s relationship is one person tells the other who, what, when, where, and how and the other does it. Too many people equate the word "slave" with monogamy and in this lifestyle, thats just not always the case. You also have to decide whether its a sexual only ownership or if it encompasses your entire life. slaves are usually required to be domestic servants as well as sexual ones, they take care of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc on top of servicing their Master, and at the end of the day they sometimes are not even allowed to sleep in the same bed with their Master. Its ALL dependent on your ground rules and contract thats why communication is THE most important thing. It is entirely possible to have this kind of relationship and have a family, I've seen it over and over again

    To often people think that if someone wants to be a submissive that they are weak, and if you're one of those, you need to rethink it. It takes a lot of strength and self control to be a true submissive, that is why in the end they are the ones with the power, because in a respectable BDSM relationship, they can stop it at any time.
     
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  5. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    Shanifaye, it's great to see you posting again!

    I was secretly hoping that this thread would get your attention.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. shanifaye

    shanifaye Dominissive

    Location:
    Lilburn, GA
    (I know I have been absent, Im sorry, and not to jack the thread, but Dave and I have been EXTREMELY busy with our paranormal investigating, to the point that we have been asked to work on a TV show that we start filming this summer lol I barely have time for anything these days)

    I am happy to give any insight, y'all just need to remember, this is my life, this is what I help other people do but that doesnt mean everything I say is "gospel" it is MY opinions on the lifestyle and what is important to know about it :)
     
  7. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    Good to see you shanifaye.
    Great advice, much better said than I ever could have.
    Thank you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Daniel_

    Daniel_ The devil made me do it...

    I think that your opinions come from the years of experience you have, and are valuable because of that.

    Often people with experience of something will say "I did it this way, so you must too", you've been clear on that too.

    I think the thing many people seem to conflate is that D/s is automatically S&M. It really isn't, not for everyone. D/s is about fundemental trust, the Dom cannot carry on without the willing participation of the sub, but I know at least one D/s couple with no pain in their play at all.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  9. shanifaye

    shanifaye Dominissive

    Location:
    Lilburn, GA
    We know a lot of couples in the lifestyle where pain is not involved
     
  10. Daniel_

    Daniel_ The devil made me do it...

    I figured YOU might... :p
     
  11. RedSneaker

    RedSneaker Very Tilted

    That's the most awesome thing I've read today. This thread has its own theme song. Sweet.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Fastdrop New Member

    I am new here, but my Mistress and I are looking for Femdom, or Dom/sub discussions. I am fairly new to acting on my submissive desires and Mistress has been wonderfully patient. It has only been a month with me in the submissive role. But I am madly in love with her, and trust her very much. I have found that many things she wants to do frightens me at first, but in each case in the end while scary I found them arousing, and they seem to draw out my submissive side more and more.

    Our relationship is a loving relationship, we were friends first, and that grow to a romantic relationship with the femdom relationship first in all things.
     
  13. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    There are folks who drop by here who might be able to discuss some of the things you're feeling.
    They do have busy lives and may not react right away so be patient.

    Sorry to say I'm on the other side of the equation so I can't help you much except to say that really the sub is the one controlling the relationship in many ways.
    You have the ability to stop things at any time, something that the dom actually doesn't have.
    Read the posts here and do searches in the forum while you wait.
     
  14. Fastdrop New Member

    Thank you for the reply, and so far Mistress has been very good about stopping if I am in pain or about to panic. I will also look around.