How To Get To Heaven When You Die

I about peed my pants........

 

The Children of Adam and Eve, were allowed to marry because the human genome was perfect, however, as time went on the human genome became more and more corrupted due to constant replication. When the Law of Moses was given, they were forbidden by God to marry their sisters, relatives, because God realized that the human genome was becoming corrupt and by interbreeding with close relatives, you multiply these bad genes. That's why man no longer marries relatives.

 

Several of my best rabbinical teachers, my father first among them, have noted (in nearly identical terms) that if one is attempting to use the Bible as a textbook of biology, cosmology, geology, other sciences, or even as a serious work of history, then one is misusing the Bible and missing its point.

The same can be said, to only a somewhat lesser degree, of reading the Bible over-simplistically and literalistically, and attempting to treat it as a single, unified work of monolithic theological agenda, rather than as a compendium of related works with varying and evolving theologies and philosophies whose authorship likely spans a millennium-- if one includes the time-spans of the presumptive ur-text sources upon which the final redactions were based.

 

So you're telling me that your god created something perfect. But when used as intended, to replicate, it became corrupt and imperfect. So really, god did not create something perfect. Supposebly your god is perfect. This proves he is not. Also, if your god is supposebly the alpha and the omega, then he already knows everything. So it would be impossible for him to realize something. Because for him, everything is already realized. So logically, your god really is not a god. He is just another myth.

 

I don't drink, so expect me to be taking incriminating photos of y'all.

 

Pffft, I'm counting on that.
A seven year old today told me that Cavemen didn't have pets. Because they WERE pets. Because they evolved from monkeys. And then kept evolving into us.
Out of the mouths of babes.

 

If man is five, then the devil is six...

 

Certainly we are cousins to the apes.

And if you meet my family you will realize how true that statement is....

I am constantly astonished by the treatment of biblical texts as pure history, biology, cosmology, etc. It is none of those things. The shepherds of 3000 years ago can't compete with the scientists of today.... and the number of bible thumpers who think that the bible has always existed in exactly it's current form. Maybe they should bone up on their history a bit....

NOVA | Origins of the Written Bible

To me, the bible is a collection of mythologies. Many see it as a mostly allegorical religious work; an attempt to document a theology that changed and evolved over time.

But history and science it is not.

 

When i go to heaven im claiming my 76 virgins.

 

You can have the virgins. I'll settle for some ladies with experience.

 

I was about to say the same thing. If I'm going to be rewarded with a passel of love slaves, I sure don't want to have to spend time teaching them how my junk works before we get to have fun.

 

Ill take the 76 inexperienced ones if i can have an eternity to practice....ideally with all of them at the one time.