Okay, I know you said it wasn't funny anymore... but I couldn't stop laughing 
I like the idea of putting the toilet paper in a container of some sort... you don't have to spend a lot of money, and can still keep it away from kitty claws.
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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
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