Does the subtlety get through here?
 

So, I'm working on my novel (the long version of V.C. - Venereal Curse, which I've posted here already) and one problem I always face when writing is being too subtle about little things. For example, I asked my dear Mormon what she thought of the line "... from the standard Texas-themed bar to an S&M dungeon filled with all sorts of delightful daddy issues" from another story I'm working on, and while she liked it, she didn't really get it. Obviously, that one isn't too hard to figure out, but you get the drift.

Anywho, I just wrote a bit in Chapter 2 (I'm lazy, by the way) where protagonist Sebastian Holts gets through banging a girl he picked up. All through the sex his mind is wandering through a mental catalogue of clubs to visit since his night has yet to be fulfilled, and he settles on one and:

"Quickly finishing up with a nice shot on the girl’s lower back, I grabbed my things and left, leaving her dazed with cab fare pasted on her hind quarters."

I like the idea of what I've written, but I don't know if it comes through like I want it to. I'm hoping that everyone who reads the above line will understand that Holts comes on the girl's back and leaves some money with her, attached to that spot. It's a little thing and holds no pertinence to the story, but I'm just curious if it gets through. In my mind it gives him an extra layer of douchebaggery that I adore.

I also realize this hardly warrants a full thread, so I'll just come back here if I have any similar problems.

(Come to think of it, would the above even work in an actual situation? I've never tried using semen in place of tape before.)

I easily understood, the message seems clear to me, not sure if your Mormon would get it though. My mom probably wouldn't either.........

I don't think your mum is the target audience :)

It would be sticky enough, I reckon.

Most people might not get it. Just remember what e e cummings said: he didn't write his poetry for "most people".

For the record, I got it, both as a physical action and as a character note.

Must....resist...obvious...mom....joke.....

Nah, both examples are perfectly clear to anyone who's familiar with the topic.

um...where's the subtle part?

you have to make assumptions about your readership and trust the reader that you make for yourself to put things together.
you can't talk down to them or you'll end up writing a best seller.

one thing i've learned--for what it's worth--is that it's better to make things that can be taken in a number of ways. your intented meaning is just one of them. allow folk the space to make alternate versions of what they're reading without imagining them to be wrong for doing it.

You should have gone with the mom joke. :)

I was going to, but I was too busy nailing her.

badumpbump

Thats it, you're a dead man now !!! :mad: (grumble, grumble, filthy bastard ........must.....resist.....urge.....to kill.......)

RG - sorry to have jacked your thread so far off course. I'll be good now. So will DO. Right, Dave? :)

Absolutely correct!! Good is my middle name.......:)