Flabbergasted - Having a girl over without telling girlfriend
 

A friend of mine, let's call him Walter, came to me with something that kind of threw me aback. He's come to me with girl problems before, many a-time, so it isn't like I haven't been through the standard "What should I do?" situation.

<i>He has a girlfriend</i>, with whom he's quite well-established as far as I know. For a few months now, <i>he's been spending some quality time with another girl, although nothing physical</i> (I'm told). Walter said that he's had her over for dinner and a movie, they go out to places like museums, and spend a lot of time talking honestly, having a few laughs.

Now, Walter says he's cool with this but he asked me if it constitutes cheating, since <i>he doesn't tell his girlfriend about this other girl</i>. Sheesh. Well I outright said it's pretty borderline and he should walk away but that I've never heard of non-sexual liasons like that. In any case, I want to know if I'm being a tight-ass or if I'm being reasonable.

So, <i>are non-sexual secret liasons cool or not?</i>

OK... here's a big rule, and you can apply it to EVERYTHING..

If your partner would not approve, it's CHEATING.

You don't ask your friend if you are cheating, you ask your partner if you are cheating!!

Touche'!!!

Btw you know britney spears smokes :(
i was unhappy to hear this

Also, as a follow up. There is nothing wrong with having friends that are girls in addition to a girlfriend.

However, he should start hanging out with this chick less one-on-one

one on one with members of the opposite sex leads to other things and then your definitly cheating. I think you as a friend should let him know this and if he doesn't want to deal with it ask him if he is really serious about his girlfriend. If he is you should talk to this girl and let her know that your friend would be leading her on if she thinks this could be something more and that he just legitimatly enjoys her company nothing more.

Re: Flabbergasted - Having a girl over without telling girlfriend
 

Well, if the Walter is heterosexual and the friend were male, would there be any angst here? I mean, if he had a friend he liked to grab a meal and a movie with, would this be a big ol' problem?

I have a hard time seeing it as cheating unless he's actually romancing her and treating it as dates - paying for dinner, that sort of thing.

Well seeing as how women hate it when you keep anything from them, I can see how this would upset her. It's not really cheating, but keeping it from the gf makes it mighty suspicious.

i agree with the rest of the posters, doing anything behind your s.o.'s back is cheating as far as i'm concerned... witholding the truth is still cheating.

on a different note, wtf does this have to do with the thread:
i mean seriously guy... you could at least <b>try</b> responding with something pertinent to the topic. sheesh.

Wow Hal, I think I'm going to have to quote you the next time I talk to Walter!

There seems to be general agreement that it's cheating, primarily because his SO is none the wiser.

Thank you for the advice, please keep it coming, although can I ask that we also include some commentary on what I should say to this guy?

"relationships are based on trust. anything you're doing that you wouldn't tell your girlfriend about constitutes a lie, and that constitutes a breakdown in the relationship." you need to tell him that he needs to decide which girl he wants to be with and make that desicion quickly. do not let him lead these two girls on.

Phredgreen, mate. I think that britney thing is his Signature :)

Most defintly is, i dont see it cause i have the signatures disabled :)

On another note;
It's always the friend innit? ;)
But come on, noby should do anything that would upset, or hurt their S.O.
For me, the lady i am with (if any) is the most important thing in the world, if she isnt, perhaps you ought to think about your relationsship twice.

It's entirely possible to spend time with someone of the opposite sex and never see them as "relationship" material. I spend time with two girls who will always be friends, but you won't see us doing any "other things". (granted, these two girls are my twin's exes, but..)

Just the same, that doesn't mean your friend's girlfriend is going to enjoy it. There's going to be the issue of Trust. Even if right now she trusts him implicitly, that doesn't mean she's going to enjoy the thought of him spending tons of time with some girl she doesn't know. If he sees this other girl as a friend and wants to keep it that way it'd be a wise idea to stop seeing her alone (at least as often). Getting the two of them to meet would be a great step, and your buddy Walter needs to make certain he discloses everything that might happen between him and this girl. If he doesn't, it's likely that jealousy is going to grow in his girlfriend's mind.


I used to feel the same way as rodgerd, but unfortunately people don't see it this way when they're in a relationship. The girlfriend isn't going to see this relationship as just another friend, she's going to see competition. Walter is going to be doubted, seen as unfaithful, etc. etc. To maintain a healthy relationship, DISCLOSE EVERYTHING (within reason -- good sense will tell you what not to say, like.. answering that stupid "do I look fat?" question).

I've had something similar happen to me. That's my experience.

It's a pretty quick & easy rule, but if you wouldn't tell your partner about it then it's got to be some form of cheating!

Spent time in a relationship with a lovely girl once who's only problem was she had jealousy issues and saw EVERY other female who crossed my radar as a potential threat to her happiness. Needless to say, it lead to the demise of our partnership eventually, but during the time we were together, I spent time with my female friends, purely platonic, and never felt a need to disclose this information to her, knowing it would only lead to trouble and a serious fight.

Was it wrong not telling her? Did I unconsciously know my relationship with her wouldn't last due to her insecurities, so why stir her shitpot of jealousy? Did I know in my own mind I wasn't cheating, wasn't doing anything wrong, and thus shouldn't - and didn't - feel any guilt about my actions? Am I just a heartless ahole who could care less about others feelings and emotions? (pretty sure the last one isn't true.....relatively sure at least. Hell, the fact I HAVE any female friends at all may prove that one to be false.)

The answer to these questions, I don't know, nor do I care to spend very much time trieing to figure out, but this I DO know;
I was not cheating, at least not in the classic sense of the term. I enjoyed the time I spent with my female friends. I helped them find understanding and truth in relationships they were having, and in turn they helped me also when things got crazy in mine. We supported each other, we laughed together, we shared news, gossip, and great discoveries, and never once did we cross the line physically or emotionally. And NEVER, EVER did we bump uglies with each other - not even accidentally.

Yes, it is possible to have a friendship with the opposite sex. Firmly confirmed in my own mind. Yes, it's best if your significant other knows about it, but is it an absolute necessity? No. Loving someone doesn't mean you must expose every detail of your life, big and small, to the other person or else you are a liar. We are all entitled to a certain degree of privacy, even secrets, in our own lives, even within the boundaries of a relationship.

If you masturbate without telling your partner you did, are you lieing, or just exercising your right to a little personal privacy?

it's been covered time and time again around here, and Halx hit it right on the nose.

Nope, but you were probably wrong for staying with her. If you can't be completely honest with somebody about yourself and what you feel about them, then you're staying with them because a) it's too much of a hassle to break up, which is cowardly, and I know because I've done it and when I did it I was being a coward, or b) to get laid, which is just kind of sad.

It is absolutely not the same thing. If you have someone else in your life that you feel strongly enough about to keep them a total secret, then you are in a bad spot. I'm talking male, female, whatever. It doesn't matter if your relationship with the third party has a chance of going sexual or not, you're obviously not comfortable being yourself around your partner. And to state the obvious, that's bad.

hmm, it isn't cheating, but it is deceptive and wrong. If he isn't willing to tell his girlfriend, then it definitely isn't ok.

Hey leave me alone i have a short attention span, and i saw it on entertainment tonight. Its not like i've been waiting all day to spam something useless in this thread.

My post contained my opinions on this guy! cut slack++

thanks everybody, you're comments are appreciated and i'm going to drive the point home a bit more clearly when I talk to walter next.

I think they're uncool, but my ex-gf did/does that stuff all the time. She's a VERY deceptive lady.

you are avoiding a part of her that you don't want to deal with. sure, it may stir things that are unnecessary in your mind, but is walking on eggshells trying to keep her happy really the ideal situation either?

Heh...I just recently broke up with my g/f over this. She wanted me to stop seeing her, and didn't even want to get to know her. She was incredibly insecure, and made me choose between my friend and her. Needless to say, I went with the one who didn't make me choose.
Did I do the wrong thing by spending time with her one-on-one? I don't think so.

Nip it in the bud. Talk to the GF about the friend, indicate that the relationship is purely platonic, and then go the extra mile and have a good time with the both of them (have dinner together, or something else).

If she's a good friend, then the SO would probably enjoy her company just as much as you do.

I'm certainly not going to disagree with the idea that people should be open and honest in their relationships - I'm only considering whether the behaviour could be considered unfaithful in and of itself.

If it looks to his partner like he's "hiding" a female friend all he'll do is create and feed (quite possibly unwarranted) suspicions.

Conversely, if one's partner is going to declare all female friendships "off-limits" my advice would be to ditch the partner - that kind of jealousy isn't worth living with.

You forget that many chicks dig assholes. And that was deceptive, which is just as low-down and dirty as cheating in my book.