Losing your virginity: does it change you?
 

I recently lost my virginity. I'm 20. The first change I noticed in myself was that I wasn't obsessed with it anymore. I feel more calm. Of course I still want to have sex, but mostly because it's good, and because I want to improve. But my girlfriend told me she found me more attractive since I lost it (I lost it to her, she's 29 and not a virgin). I have had other people tell me that I look more adult. And even more handsome, even though they know nothing about me losing it...

What do you think? Did these changes happen to you too? What other changes did you notice?

I was almost 20 when I lost mine. I think the thing I felt the most was more grown up.... It was weird. You're right when it comes to feeling all weird about sex... once I got it I was so calm, but then again I became a nympho!!!! Watch yo self!!! haha j/k

I guess you're a woman... They do say that losing your virginity for a woman makes you more feminine...

I'll give you the blunt answer from a man - No.






(except that your buddies in high school all give you high fives).

The physical act of it? Doesnt change you a lick..

Realizing that someone can fully accept you and your body and love you to orgasm.. thats the part that changes you. You realize you ain't so bad after all.

No. I didn't feel different at all. As a matter of fact, it really bothers me when people say stuff like "you don't know life until you've had sex" or "you're not a real man until you've had sex" because you don't feel a damn bit fucking different afterwards. Sex is great, but it is NOT the life changing experience people make it out to be, especially the first time. The first time is terrible. :thumbsup:

-Lasereth

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you're not getting any.

Very nice. VERY nice.

There may be attitude changes--confidence, certainty, knowing you've been wanted at least once in your life, etc. The physical act doesn't change anything.

Yeah I agree. But considering the fact that women have "radars" when it comes to this, there is an obvisou change in your interactions with the opposite sex.

Before: Craving for it.

After: I got it, who cares anymore?

Women can feel it.

You mean the rest of you didn't get super powers? :confused:

I think it really depends on the situation. If you're looking to lose it just to say you did, then you'll be expecting some big huge reaction and you may or may not get one. Chances are though in that situation it won't have much of a lasting effect other than, well I lost it. If you're in a committed relationship and you have a strong emotional conection with the person you first have sex with, then it's only going to strengthen that bond. So in that way it changes you because you reach a new level with another person. But does just the simple act of losing your virginity in itself change you, I'd say mostly not.

There indeed is a certain number of people who do it mostly to strengthen their relationship. This can be considered a change.

But what I am talking about is the calm I felt after doing it. I really calmed down. And that has been felt by the people around me...

Losing your virginity has always been associated to "becoming a man". Maybe there is some kind of truth behind the popular saying?

On a biological level, it would be interesting to see if your testosterone goes up when you do it.

i'm not sure how it applies, but scientifically isn't the peak age for virility in males around age 17-18?

The biggest change for me was that I wanted to have sex a lot more and that masturbation became a lot less fun.

Then I also went to get an HIV test which was really intimidating (i'm negative!); waiting for the results of that test was more life changing than losing my virginity. I had a condom break on me one time. >_<

Hi, what are you doin' right now? I have a free 20 minutes.

I'm a guy and I do think that losing my virginity did change me. I usually have very low self-esteem and self-image. So the first time that I did it (it was boredom sex), it was like a wake up call to my self-image, gave me a big boost in my self-confidence. And even after having my ex basically tell me she thought she could do better than me when she left me, I feel that I still have a higher level of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image than I did before I lost my virginity. Of course that could just be me going into a delusional state of denial.

What do you mean by that?

You're saying your inner self image was changed, but did you feel other people noticed the change too? I mean my point is that having sex definately makes you more masculine if you're a man, or feminine if you're a woman...

I don't think it made me more masculine, that's basically a temporary response. Go dry for a year or two and see if you feel masculine. The dark yang that goes with your new yin is that if you don't conitnue to get it, you'll start to think you've become undesireable. And the difference then, will be you KNOW what you're missing.

The good thing is the first time is over, and now you get the whole peg A into slot B thing. That's really the only change, that you're ready for next time.

I didn't have sex until I was 24. At that point I was pretty 'adult' like already. I was older than most of my fellow students since I'd started college 2 years after highschool. I was already seen as older or more adult so in that sense it did not change me. Hubby and I LOVED sex the first time we had it and I think part of it was that we were both fully ready. We actually had sex 4 times the first day that we lost our virginity.

I did feel different but I believe that sensation was more psychological than anything else. I thought of sex differently. It wasn't this fairy tale anymore, it was reality and the reality was different than the fairy tale in a lot of ways. I guess you could say I didn't have this idealistic, innocent imagination of sex. It was real and it was good. Beyond that I don't believe I changed.

I have to consider the environment in which hubby and I lived at the time. I was going to a religious college that would have kicked me out had they found out. Heck my best friend and her boyfriend got campused for holding hands, sex would have meant severe discipline. So as a result neither one of us really wanted anyone to notice anything. There was no need to WANT to excude a change as a result of sexual encounter.

I think you just made a pass at a dude.. :lol:

Losing my virginity (at age 14) changed me for the worst.... before then I was craving sex but I didn't have carnal knowledge of what I was missing. Now that I've had sex and I know how good it feel I still crave it but it's worse than ever because I know exactly what I'm missing, and women can sense that so it's definitely not a good thing.

you felt calm after? like a post orgasm calm? the same satisfying calm after yankin yer crank for a while?
i dont see how a biological change could happen with sex. Like, how often does a male have sex before he first masterbates? gotta be pretty few and far in between.
you might walk straighter, or have more confidence with all the lost desperation of wanting sex all the time.
the girl i lost my virginity to was always saying shit like, "Maybe your voice will get deeper" and crap like that.
such bs, atleast in my world.

I know......

I don't think losing your virginity makes you a man, or a woman for that matter. Especially if you do it in a stupid manner at too young of an age (not implying the OP, just saying in general).

I think what is more important in "making" you a man or a woman, related to sex, is when go through your first HIV test, your first pregnancy test, etc. Realizing the consequences of sex and dealing with them in a mature manner.

As for me, I waited quite a while to have sex (24), so I'd grown up in other ways first before encouraging my sexual appetite. I can't imagine having had sex in my teens... no way in HELL I'd have been ready for that.

So for me, sex didn't change me much since I'd already "changed," and having sex was just a nice benefit of life... not something transforming. As others have said, I think the constant opportunity for sex (in a steady relationship) has allowed me to become more comfortable/confident in myself and express things that were otherwise latent, but I don't think that's change. It's just me becoming comfortable with a side of myself that I didn't encourage until I could deal with the consequences.

Hope that made sense...

I mean my friend and I were both bored, and had nothing to do, so we had sex. Hence the term "boredom sex". We weren't in a relationship together, and we didn't want to be in a relationship together.

And while I don't recall anybody actually commenting on the self image changes, I know that it was apparent, because part of the reason that my ex-girlfriend was attracted to me was because I seemed so self-confident. And she actually told me that, I'm not just assuming it.

Hmm... after I lost my virginity I was kind-of like, "So... that was what all the fuss was about...?" I then had this idea for a while that sex was really only for guys because I didn't get anything out of it.
Yes, I do think now of how stupid that thought was. The person I lost my virginity to and continued to have sex with for a year and half just didn't care and didn't know what he was doing.

No, I didn't feel more feminine. No, I didn't emotionally feel any different... until I started getting scared that sex altogether was really going to always be that bad.

And yes... I enjoy sex now. A lot. :crazy:

I felt calm because I had lost the urge to have sex. I guess before that I was communicating the feeling "MATE WITH ME" on a subconscious level to women, and "I'M NOT GETTING ANY" to men. I felt calm in the way that this unbalanced state had completely faded away. I was like, I can talk to you woman without craving to receive sex from you...

I was thinking, when mating period comes, women have a rise in their feminine hormones, don't they? Does it happen to men too. I mean a mating man having a rise in his testosterone level... That could explain a biological change.

It was a relief. I deposited what i needed to free my worries from and it stayed nicely between myself and what i now call my friend. No bad stories of hatred from a bad breakup to associate with it.

what changes me more is finding great sex. not good orgasms, but passionate sex that is real. that's a rediscovery and a change im happy to encounter as much as possible.

Barring environmental factors, men have a 24 hour cycle of testosterone, peaking in the morning.

Everything else you have detailed is 100% in your mind.

Wow, is this how other virgin guys think?... I haven't gotten that vibe from a lot of virgin guys I've known, so I wouldn't generalize that feeling to other guys if I were you. It might be just you. Personally, I always thought the "cravings" went UP after having sex. Keep in mind you're still with your partner... what would happen if you broke up? I can almost bet that you'll start getting that hungry look again, if you knew you couldn't have it when you wanted it.

I guess you're right and that thought kind of scares me. I don't want to become hungry again... Haven't you ever felt, as a woman, the need for sex from the man in front of you?

Concerning the fact that 100% of it is in my head. I agree with it. Yet psychological factors can have tremendous effects on one's attitude, and thus the way he is perceived by others...

Yes I have gotten that vibe, though usually it's in a bar or a dance club where I have no interest in going home with someone and I know they are just horny or desperate. The only guys I have come to trust are those who never seemed that interested in having sex with me, at least not until I expressed interest in having sex with them. They seemed to want to get to know ME, not my pussy. Maybe that's just good acting, but I doubt it (and yes, some of them have been virgins!).

Yeah. Fortunately, it's when I let the "I NEED SEX" vibe go down that I started having success. Lesson learned. But since I'm getting some now, I don't have to consciously think to "NOT THINK ABOUT SEX" in my interactions with women, thus making me more attractive?

Nice :lol: :lol:

Should be a bumper sticker :lol: :D

As far as if it changes you, I think it depends on the type of person, like how much you care about it, and your cultural background on it. And the change would certaintly be psychological rather than physiological in nature.

Indeed. Don't you think virginity has become such an important matter for younger generations?

Unforunately i think Losing it has.... no one seems to want to hold on to it. It's not something you can get back once you loose it. Nonetheless....
Physically a change CAN happen in a woman... the hymen can tear or rip, or "pop".. (popping the cherry). But for men it is all the same, physically.
Mentally... don't ask me... I still am a virgin (although it isn't always easy) and proud of it! (Although my fiance and I do have plans... ;) :thumbsup: )

Perhaps, but i wonder if the fact that it seems much less taboo and brought up at a younger age may have an affect on its "power" over someone. We are a much more sexually open culture that in order to become part of it you must be willing to join in it. keeping your viriginity for whatever reasons tends to inhibit the capacity to do so.

I think it comes down to know why you wish to keep it or why you choose to lose it.

i just lost mine a few weeks ago
i don't feel much different
although i am a bit more into trying stuff out sexually now than i was, but i think that may have more to do w/ the girl im with than the lost virginity...

Seriously I wish I had not lost my virginity because it sucks to be in an ongoing dry spell and know exactly what you're missing with no hope of getting any in sight for a long time coming.

Well, its easily overrated but also a big deal since you are never a virgin again.

Girl I lost mine too was already experienced with sex, and sent me off to the store by myself to buy something, so I had all this time by myself to reflect on the event. Remember feeling damn good about my "victory", something which was tainted by me having suffered through 5mins of hell trying to get the damn condom to flush down the toilet in her family's bathroom. When I explained the comedy of the situation to her afterwards, she smirked and wondered why I hadnt just wrapped T-paper around it first. "oh..."

Virginity as a virtue is something relatively modern in the Western world.

Its a big deal because we make it into a big deal, not because it in itself is that important.

Its one of the minor reasons why I've always been annoyed by Christianity, the Romans had a much healthier view on sex.

It definitely changes you, but it proably won't Change you.

careful flushing rubbers, one of our drains was clogged up full ofem, imagine the look on my parents faces when they saw what was causing the blockage

As a guy, the answer is a definite no. There is absolutely no difference before and after you do it.

I can only imagine how awkward that would be! The thought of that happening to me makes me go numb.

Aren't you supposed to NOT put condoms in the toilet?

It didn't change my outward personality much, but it made me feel better inside for a while. Call it confidence if you will.

I'm so glad it's over now because of the stigmatism that entails being a virgin. That's not why I did it, but it's an added benefit to not have people look down on you as being shy or weak just because you haven't had sex yet. It used to piss me off when my friends were having a discussion about sex then they'd look at me and make some sly comment about how "one day I'll learn."

Yeah, pretty frustrating...

Now I'm all excited about how I can have in depth sex discussion with my friends...

First and foremost, congratulations on getting laid.

It can be fun at times to participate in these type of conversations, but in the interest of continued sexual activities, it's best to keep these type of discussions fairly hush-hush, lest the object of your erection/affection decides they don't want to continue providing you with material for said discussions :) .

In response to your original post, I had a nice spring in my step and a big shit-eating grin on my face for the rest of the morning. Other than that, I don't really think anything changed. I didn't become more confident, but I think that once I had sex, I stopped thinking about it as much.

Yup. My case too. And I'm thinking the ladies can feel this.

Hehe, sometimes you have no better alternative, trust me. Just make sure you wrap it very tightly in lots of t-paper. But yeah, probably as bad as tampons, Id imagine.

Totally OT, but...Had a new gf that was over at my mom's for dinner, that excused herself to the bathroom. The downstairs one was occupied, so she used the upstairs. Some moments later, water was running through the ceiling. Seems a tampon had clogged the toilette... my mom was totally cool about it, but god was my gf humiliated.

The fact that we still think losing your virginity is the modern equivilent to putting on a cloak of bravery shows how sex obsessed we are as a culture.
I mean, why do people feel they are defined through only one aspect of thier personality? 'Did i screw' Do i screw'?
While on the other hand, when my best friend told me she was not a virgin (Shes an ex-religious girl, and comes off as being still a little in to it, if you see my meaning.) it changed the way i felt about her. I was more relaxed towrds her, and alot less self-concious about language, for instance. (I have a potty mouth sometimes.)
For myself, I started to gain confidence, but only as a result of other life-changes, not the sexx itself.

I guess this has a lot to do with the influence of the media, and more importantly, all the recent teen movies...

The whole experience was underwhelming. Nothing changed, it was less than spectacular.

I'm still a virgin. One of those sorts who is waiting to lose it when they are in love. I figure it would be more special that way.

But I have participated in oral sex. The first time I was like, well this is fun. I don't think it changed me though, physically or psychologically. I still haven't achieved orgasm, but all in good time. Maybe that would result in a change.

When I lost my virginity, I felt that sex was such a vast and difficult thing to master. I kept thinking to myself "Damn, you should have started this earlier. You'd be much better now." Sex is about love, agreed. But it's also about skill. My current girlfriend told me that she orgasmed only once in her life before me.

If you truly love your partner, how can you accept to not be able to give him/her pleasure during sex?

Why should you need to go all the way? If a woman finds you 'very cute' or 'very attractive', isn't it safe to assume that hypothetically if you played all your cards right she'd do it with you? And therefore you can chalk that off to a virtual-victory, and walk away all the more confident.

I gather this is probably how hot women think when they get hit on all the time.

I don't understand what you mean. Are you saying that a virgin can pretend he's not one and play it all cool and confident?

I agree, but there is a difference in pretending and actually being.

For me a definite change happened, however I think it only lasted while I was in the realtionship. Now that I've been single a while and without sex, I kinda feel like I did when I was a virgin. Although I can look back and say, "Hey, I've gotten laid" but it's hardly anything more than that. When I look back on it it's almost just like a more vivid fantasy. However, I have to say that there was a huge ammount of confidene I gained after all was said and done. I never thought before that it was ever going to happen and that I'd be a virgin for a loooong time. It was good to have an intimate relationship with someone I loved. And I think that is the key part in why it affected me. I had sex with someone I loved, that was the real accomplishment.

iblade,

I certainly think that a virgin can not only "play" or "pretend" to be cool and confident, but actually can be.

For me, I think I've actually lost a little bit of confidence after losing my virginity (at age 21), primarily, I think, because of the insecurities that developed because my girlfriend was not. However, a year or so before losing my virginity, when I was just a single guy, I was extremely confident -- more confident around women than I had almost ever. Can women sense confidence? Sure they can. Just like a guy can sense it in a girl. Do you need sex to do this? I would submit not. And if you feel you do, then your priorities might be a little misplaced -- better to figure out how to be confident youself without relying on losing your virginity to do so.

If you think I was just "pretending" to be confident when I was a virgin, tell me; I'd be curious to hear why you think that. And if you think I was an exception to the rule, I'd like to know that too, and why. Just curious why you're intent on making generalizations -- I mean, maybe for you that's how it was, but for plenty of other people, I'm sure it wasn't the case.

Sim

Virgins can be cool and confident. Agreed. But sex will always remain a big question mark to them. It is unfortunately a rite that we have to pass to enter into manhood. This is what I beleive. My opinion is that losing one's virginity is such an important matter in the cultural background of our societies...

Can anyone who lost his virginity claim that it all went with total confidence. We all ask ourselves questions when doing it for the first time, even more than before doing it. "Is that the right hole?" "Why can't I ejaculate?" "How does it feel for her?" "What's that expression on her face, what am I doing wrong?" "I'm coming, was it too fast?"

These questions find their answers in acting, and practising, and loving. There is a new level of confidence that you gain by going through this process. That is my point.

Yes, for one, if you DO pretend, you don't have to pretend, so you actually are real.

Haha. so it's alot easier than pretending. But hey, if you are a super actor / pimp, I bet you could pretend 100%. But then again, if you could pretend 100%, you wouldn't need to in the first place!

For me, its just confidence. I get more confident when girls hit on me or when girls tell their friends they find me very cute.

The only way it changed me is by taking a monkey off my back, I was 16 and felt real old to be a virgin then (older brother and friends said so). I really put too much into other's opinions back then. The chick was a total skank, didn't even like her, it was the worst sex of my life, but it had to be done (practice on the ugly ones my bro said). But I don't regret it bc at that point I could move on.
And from that point on I always have known "how long has it been since I got some?", whereas this didn't exist before.

No, I disagree. I have had a few chances with girls I had no attraction to, and there was no way I would do that. I don't think I could live with my decision afterwards because its like, why do it if you find then unattractive...!

True, I can grant that -- it's hard to know something until you experience it.

Perhaps. In some sense, that is what American (and many other) societies have described it as. Do I think it really, fundamentally has anything to do with manhood? No, I don't. I think there are plenty of things I have done that are a better representation of my maturity and manhood than just sex. But, society does tend to create this image of sex as that rite of passage -- into manhood or womanhood. Whether or not that is as important as you say is a matter of individual internalization of this pespective.

I agree, I suspect that no one who lost their virginity had complete confidence when doing it. I know I didn't. However, I would say that some (or perhaps even many) of those questions are still applicable even after you've gained this "confidence." "How does it feel for her" or "what's that expression on her face mean" or "what am I doing wrong; what can I do better" are not something you answer once and for all by losing your virginity; you should ask it all the time to make sure you are being the best lover possible. And I think you would agree with this -- I am just explicitly stating it all because you seem to have been focusing on virginity, specifically, with less focus on the process of as a whole.

Point is: losing your virginity is an act like any other; however, it is given a great/lesser degree of strength from whatever society and culture you are in. How much this affects someone, and therefore affects their perception of losing their virginity, is dependent on how much they internalize this pressure and how they perceive sex themselves. Ultimately, this means there is no prescribed outcome for how losing their virginity will affect someone and therefore generalizations about gaining confidence, losing confidence, feeling better/worse about sex -- whatever -- have no substantative grounds. Confidence for a person can be gained without sex; confidence in sex, as I think you might be talking about (and might have been referring to when you said "acting, and practising, and loving" or a "process") is not intrinsically gained by losing your viriginity, even if it answers a "question", but more by experience and constant improvement.

Did I wonder about sex and such when I was a virgin? Sure I did; a lot. Do I regret not losing my virginity when I was younger? At the time, no, but now, yes -- for many different reasons. Did it make a difference when I did? Maybe, but I don't really think so. But even so, when I step back and consider it objectively, do I really think that sex as an act itself -- minus the chaff that is societal, cultural, and peer pressures -- is hugely profound? No, I don't.

Sim

Losing one's virginity does not make a male type person a man. Being a man comes from character and only from character not from whether they have or haven't had sex.

It might be a right of passage, but it doesn't make one a man.

I know 22 year old virgins who are more of man than a 40 year old fella who's beens fucking around since he was 15...

I think it does raise your self esteem. You finally realize that someone does want you.

That is very true and it holds for both men and women.

Ironic -- it lowered my self-esteem tremendously, I think. But, that's probably a result of my insecurity with the fact that I've had sex with one girl, and my GF has had 7 other partners. Oh well. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to deal with my own insecurities due to my lack of experience -- and wishing I hadn't waited so long under somewhat mistaken ideals, in retrospect. Not only would I have more experience, but I wouldn't have made some characteristic mistakes with my GF (ie, asking questions of which the answers bothered me). Chasing Amy, man, and she's my Amy -- I'm just trying not to lose her because I can't handle it.

Simivin, you just expressed precisely my point in your previous post... I'm shocked.

Losing one's virginity is a rite. Because it is anchored in our subconscious, in our cultural background. It makes you a man depending on what you consider being a man or not. I agree that in no way it proves maturity. But I personnally see in it a test of manhood. Making love to a woman is in someway proving that you are a man.

Now, the best way to answer this thread is to make clear comparisons: Before/After.

The first one I see is:

Before: I kept thinking about it.
After: I thought about it a lot less.

Therefore, I feel more relaxed, more cool in some way.

The only thing that changed in me was that I was like: dude, what's the big deal?

iBlade,

If you'd like to think that I supported your argument, by all means, go ahead. It is, in some sense, a rite, but not in any intrinsic value of the action but due to cultural/societal influence. I still adhere to my points, however: it does not prove maturity, nor do I think it is a "test" of manhood nor "proving" that you are a man. Like Mal said: "Losing one's virginity does not make a male type person a man. Being a man comes from character and only from character not from whether they have or haven't had sex. It might be a right of passage, but it doesn't make one a man. I know 22 year old virgins who are more of man than a 40 year old fella who's beens fucking around since he was 15..."


Even your clear comparison only makes one point clear: that is how you feel. That's my main contention with the things you've said -- if you want to say that it made you feel more like a man, by all means, go ahead (even if I think you shouldn't need to base anything on that). But to imply that that's the case with everyone, or even a majority, or is inherent as a result of having sex is just ludicrous to me. Ok, it made you feel more confident in yourself, more "cool"; me, I feel worse off (even though my partner is incredible and I'd like to think I am more than adequate). Like I said, look at your "clear comparison" and leave it at that -- it was talking in the first person only.

Sorry, I don't have time to review/revise because I have to get off to work right now. But I'm still interested in hearing what you have to say.

Sim

For a long time I was in the uncomfortable situation of being a virgin but pretending I wasn't. Not saying that I besmirched any particular young lady's good name...but people just assumed that I wasn't a virgin, and I didn't feel like going out of my way to correct them. When you look at pop culture of the mid 90's...from the Simpsons to Friends to just about any movie, there's joke after joke about sex, and it was just easier to smile and laugh like I'd been there.

So yes, losing my virginity did change me. But I must say, being in a committed relationship and getting sex on a regular basis changed me even more.

I can't speak for anybody else but losing my virginity changed me. I was 17 and thought I was far too old to still be one. Most of my close girl friends still were too though. I still thought I was too old to go on being one. I had my first time with someone who at the time meant something to me and I felt it was the right time. In retrospect, and ironically, I think I wasn't ready and I wish I'd waited a while longer. Weird huh?

It changed me in the sense that I didn't have to wonder about it anymore and think it was this really important thing I had to start doing, and also it changed my mindset and made me grow more aware of people who really were interested in me, and those who just wanted to get in my pants. Sex lost it's adolescent importance and shed clarity on a few things for me, once I'd had it.

Simivin,

When you said,

I felt that you had just expressed what I meant.

I'm not saying that losing one's virginity is a rite, but that it is considered a rite. What sources do I use to prove my point? Well look at any teen movie/show to see how the media can influence the population in beleiving that... And I'm not saying it is something they created, because I beleive it is something present in most of the cultures of the world. Losing one's virginity is one of the rites of passage into manhood. For example look at the so called "closed houses" (prostitution) that existed in Europe up to the beginning of the 20th century, and that still do in some places, where young men would go to finish their "education" and become a man. That's what I'm saying, it's a cultural thing. And hence, being a cultural heritage, I beleive it influences the lives of a majority of the population (feeling shame being an old virgin for example).

What I am trying to do is only to share experiences about losing our virginity and if it changed us. And I'm trying to collect objective answers. It did not tremendously change me, but I am not obsessed with it anymore, and I feel more confident at least about sex, which is something that I beleive, women notice. These were the changes in my case.

I'm curious, why did losing your virginity make you feel worse?

mfe,

About the constant sexual references, agreed, it was annoying. I can't wait to get back with my friends and finally enjoy a good talk about sex. And not just "pretend that I know" anymore.

I agree with a lot of what you said this time iblade. I agree that it is culturally impressed upon people. But like I said, my main contentions were:

- Sweeping generalizations about what losing one's virginity does-- it can't be objective answers, like you said, but only subjective and relative (ie, read post 16 when you say "definately")
- Assuming that just because a cultural standard establishes it as a right of passage means that it inherently (outside of a cultural context) is one
- Implying that there is some tangible, physical change that transitions someone to "manhood"
- Implying that women notice that you're confident b/c of having sex - they certainly might notice confidence, but I don't think it's contingent on having sex. Confidence can be gain entirely without having sex, and women can still notice.

But again, I agree -- we live in a society that defines certain standards, certain expectations, etc. Since we live in such a society, we are subject to it's norms. I am just trying to say that sex and losing one's virginity, when abstracted away from everything, doesn't have any hugely generalizable qualities other than being able to check a block "been there, done that" (pun intended). That is all -- I'm not trying to discredit how it affected you, or anyone else.

Sim

PS: sorry for what might be overanalysis...that's what a degree in Behavioral Science and getting an MA in analytic philosophy will do to you...wicked stuff, man.

PPS: If you wanna know why it made me feel worse, search for threads with my handle. I asked TFPers for all sorts of related advice. I will say that a lot of my insecurity is, in fact, due to cultural pressure; however, this doesn't change my stance above...it just indicates that I'm rather weaker than I would like to be or think I should be.

I can certainly sense the need for rationalization here... Anyways I agree with what you said too. Seems to me you have a pretty logical and rational way of thinking and I like to talk with people like you.

Anyways, if anyone wants to share how losing his virginity changed him (or not), please do.

That is so absolutly correct in my opinion.. :thumbsup:

I can respect that, you probably have a better sense of self worth than I did at the time. My self-esteem in my younger years was pitifully low, I believed everything people told me, and needed approval. It has grown to a higher level over the years, as I discovered that I'm not the worthless piece of crap someone told me I was.

That being said-- if I had to redo it, I would not have sex with the tramp for validation, I would screw her for something fun to do.

Well, glad to hear that your self-esteem is much higher now. I still wouldn't do her, if she is as unattractive to you as you say she is.

After I lost my virginity, I thought, "That's it?"

But I got an interesting tid-bit of knowledge out of the encounter: I want intimacy more than I want sex. I should have been doing this since I was 10.

I remember waking up the next morning and thinking to myself, "The world's still here... Life's still going on... Neither fire nor brimstone are falling from the sky... How'd that happen?"

I don't believe that I'm a different person for having lost my virginity - at least not different in way of having my basic personality change. I'm sure that I'm somewhat different now for all my sexual encounters, but the first time was not a mind-altering experience.

I dont think it changed me per se, I just had a bigger appetite for it.

It did change me. Ever since that day I had a powerful intrest in cave diving.

Odd, but I found myself giggle at that comment.

Didn't change me at all, except that I got even *more* excited about sex...kind of opened the doors and made me think "Wow, there's *so much* to be done with this!"

After I lost my virginity I became less judgemental of others who had lost theirs earlier. I realized how much of a prude I was for believing that "sleeping around" was a sign of moral "weakness." I can't believe I was ever like that to begin with - I'm glad I got over it.

It did change me in a couple of ways. First, I could stop lying about having done it! LOL. Second, I felt like it was a rite of passage into another phase of my life. I don't know that I can put it quite into words. I gained a degree of confidence that I didn't have before; I wasn't so desparate, I guess. Much like the first beer I had or the first curse word I uttered, it was a mark in the timeline of my fall from innocence. Ultimately, it was just one more thing I had to be forgiven for when I became a Christian.

I can say this, though--the women I was with afterward seemed to know that I was "experienced," and I think it was that confidence I spoke of coming through.

Huh? I mean, I am a former evangelical and all, but why did you feel the need to ask forgiveness?... sounds like you had a normal, exploratory growing-up experience. Fall from innocence?... no one can stay innocent forever, and it certainly wasn't a fault to try new things. But that is my post-Christian viewpoint.

Anyone else feel guilty after losing their virginity?

If you are a former evangelical, then you know that sex outside of marriage is fornication.

That others--even many others--do it doesn't make it right.

Yes, it is a fault. It's called a transgression of God's law.


And I'm speaking from my Christian viewpoint. But you knew that when you wrote, so what exactly was your point?

Well I lost it just over a month ago. It hurt and bled a bit. It hasn't really changed me much, except now I use a vibrator. I couldn't be bothered waiting for a long-term relationship. I don't really enjoy intercourse, I much prefer oral. Then again, I've only done it the two times.

Re:
 

I think that the unphysiological changes are just a myth. I just lost mine last summer, and I was 25. I had always thought that sex would be- not only an ice-breaker but also a permanent rapport with the person. <= What I mean by this is that it is easy to think that if a girl goes all the way with you, you'll at least be her friend for the rest of your (and her) life, but it doesn't work that way. Everyone views sex differently- is what I learned from losing my virginity.

Lo and behold I still feel innocent, still get nervous around women, and still put them on a pedestal sometimes. Moreover, the girl I lost it to I got to know a lot more over the months, and even though she isn't less attractive physically from when I first met her, knowing her personality and how little she cares about me- despite getting with me, makes me completely unattached to her and probably 10x more curious about women than before, wondering if, since other women are assumably "better" (nicer), what it would be like to get with them.

As well, I would look at a guy who is a virgin, who is completely able to approach women like it's nothing- as less innocent than a non-virgin who still "reveres" women.

Oh, and I also thought that losing it would make me less jealous about other people and their love lives, since I never really had one until last summer. I was certainly, certainly wrong about that as well.

I gained a lot of confidence, so I think yeah, it changes you in a psychological way.

I appreciated masturbation a whole lot more.

The boyfriend I lost my virginity to warned me that I'd always want it once I had it.

He was right. :D That was the only change.

:lol: I remember after we did it feeling as though I was walking funny or bowlegged and everyone could tell. :lol:

Bad as usual.
 

I can relate. Loosing my virginity was the worst thing that happened to me given my situation. The first time, of course, was terrible, It was dark, premeditated, and I thought about it the whole day which made things worse. I did it with a friend who was their to stay and, like I said, we were both bored. I was under a strict half hour schedule but had I known it would have lasted seconds, I would have been more relaxed.

The second time, wait for it, wait for it.......... was the next morning. God, it was good!!! It was the only morning sex I've ever had and I remember it so vividly outdoors porno feels like Deja Vu!!! I was 14. The third time, was 3 years later. During conversations with my mates, I was like zen master seeing as I had yanked it so hard I had crop circle chaffing.

After my first real girlfriend I kind of learned not to be dick and to have respect for women. I guess having sex changes you. Loosing your virginity, not so much.

I did.:no:

Made sex a lot more accessible. And meaningless.

You'd think the first time you'd feel more complete, more loved or accepted, but it Just felt like, "oh. Well. I've done it."

Subsequent women after her was the same--a means to get off and not a bond of intimacy.

So losing my virginity made me more promiscuous. Less worried about saving it for the special right girl to come along.

there's no such thing as "special right girl"

there are girls you will and can sleep with, and girls you wont or cant sleep with.

the only thing you need to save for "special and right" is your deeper self.

granted, sex is better with people who have met and are in touch with your deeper self.

I cherish the day I lost my virginity shortly after I turned 20. It may not have been the best sex I've ever had, but it released such a burden on my shoulders that for once in my life, I finally felt like a complete man.

However, that didn't mean I suddenly felt like chasing every woman out there. I do cherish the times I'm with them and definitely take advantage of the opportunities. But after I've lost my cherry, I no longer felt as if I must absolutely mate with someone to feel complete. Instead, I can now take my time to find the right person who can satisfy my emotional desires as well as my physical desires.

Even though we didn't stick together, I still remember that girl very fondly. And she'll always have a place in my heart.