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Dominant and submissive, as a complete lifestyle.

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by Chris Noyb, Apr 8, 2014.

  1. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    A recent post inspired me to start this thread, but the thought has been on my mind for quite some time.

    My guess is many couples have at one time at least experimented with Dominant & submissive roles, which could cover anything from simple rough sex to using restraints & implements to well-equipped dungeons.

    I'm thinking more about D & s as a lifestyle, as in somone completely controlling all aspects of someone elses life, not just sexually. Where they work (if they're allowed to work), what they wear, what they eat, where they go, who they're friends with (if friends are allowed), who they speak to, what they read/watch, etc.

    I've never seen the appeal of such control, either as the D or the s. I've never known anyone who admitted to being in such a relationship, although I have known people who would go into a complete panic if they thought they weren't going to be able to do something they were told to do, or thought they might get caught doing something they were told not to do.

    One woman I worked with would start hyperventilating if she was one minute late leaving work, and wouldn't speak to anyone once she reached the lobby (her husband picked her up from work). I wondered about her.

    What are your thoughts?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    I don't have much to say on the subject as it pertains to my own relationship. My husband is not a D. He likely never will be. As I have a pretty forceful personality, I sometimes wish he would "put me in my place" so to speak. He does when it's really called for--he's no doormat--but I would love for him to be more of that D kind of personality sometimes.

    It's something I explore in my own writing, though, so I am very interested to hear the responses of others. Power and control are two topics that come up time and time again in my writing in addition to dominance and submission, though not in ways that are as overt as the D/s lifestyle. As you suggest, Chris, these are roles couples experiment with or put on whether they realize it or not sometimes.
     
  3. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    Dominance & submissiveness has a role in any relationship, consciously & subconsciously. Somethings I handle because wife doesn't want to, & vice versa. We don't attempt to contol each other.

    I'm trying get a better understanding of why some people would want to be totally dominant or submissive. Much information is available on the net, and there are articles & books on the subject. I'm hoping that TFPers will share their thoughts, maybe even their experiences, be they direct or indirect.
     
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  4. Levite

    Levite Levitical Yet Funky

    Location:
    The Windy City
    Mrs. Levite and I don't really express our relationship that way (obviously there are some things she handles and other things I handle, but it isn't really about control, or dominance-- just who happens to have better skills in something, or who has the time or the inclination for doing something). But in previous relationships, I have played some D&S games (ranging from dom/sub role playing to rough sex to some light bondage, spanking, and a bit of light switching with a riding crop). I played the sub a few times, with some fun moments; but I liked being the dom a lot more.

    Still, to me it just seemed like one more variety of game to spice up the action. It never seemed like a lifestyle to me, and I can't say that I really understand the appeal of making it one. I've known some people who liked it a lot, and it was a relatively major focus of their sex lives, at least for a while. But I've never known anyone for whom this was their end-all be-all, including extending the roles outside the bedroom (or dungeon, or whatever).

    Mrs. Levite has a friend who revealed to her that this is her lifestyle. Which was surprising to me, because when I first met this friend, she claimed to be essentially asexual. She dated here and there, but claimed to have very little real sexual desire-- didn't even masturbate. But a while later, Mrs. Levite told me that this woman was engaged to be married, at which I expressed pleased surprise. And Mrs. Levite explained, in strictest confidence, that this woman had discovered she was deeply submissive, and though she and this guy were going through the usual forms and rituals of marriage, their relationship was actually defined by a kind of contract of submission that she had signed to him, essentially swearing that he was now her master in all things, and she was his love slave. I have no idea what the actual language used was, but that was the basic idea. And this just stunned me. I confess, it also kind of turned me on a little, because this friend is a little hot, and it did jump-start my nads just a little to imagine her suddenly discovering this gushing torrent of sexual desire that only was accessible to her through being totally dominated. But mostly it stunned me, and though I think it makes pleasant fodder for casual fantasies, I cannot conceive of actually wishing to be so completely dominated, or to so completely dominate another person, and to actually make that a formalized basis of relationship.

    I dunno. I mean, obviously, I am a big believer in sexual freedom, and if this is what floats their boat, God bless 'em, and they should be free to do it. So I am totally not saying that it should be stopped or anything. But that said, I confess that it seems unhealthy to me. Part of the appeal, I think, of D/S games, is that it offers the opportunity for sublimation of what might be unhealthy behavior into the context of a larger, healthier whole.

    From what I have read and heard, the argument favored by those who embrace such lifestyles is that, since it is ultimately consensual, there can be nothing unhealthy about voluntarily relinquishing one's control, decisions, authority, power, etc.-- or in assuming those things if voluntarily relinquished by another. But somehow the argument just doesn't ring true to me. I totally agree that it is consensual. But the mere fact of consensuality does not equal psychologically healthy, either. I guess I really feel that, regardless of what goes on in the bedroom, a relationship as a whole requires some real measure of equality between the partners to be healthy. Embracing a D/S lifestyle to that all-consuming degree just makes me uncomfortable, and not in a prudish way, but in a psychoemotional way. I'm not sure I can put it into better words than that.
     
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  5. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there!

    I don't have the personality to be the S.
    And being the D sounds utterly exhausting.
     
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  6. Street Pattern

    Street Pattern Very Tilted

    The whole concept fascinates and terrifies me. That kind of submission strikes me as a soft form of suicide.

    Part of it is my own deep uneasiness, since childhood, about role-playing and pretending. Even in current life, I want to be sincere, and I want others to be sincere with me. (Probably that's what makes me such a boring person.)

    I have never had "rough sex", or wanted to. As an observer, I would find it repellent. Choking, in particular, seems ugly, and wildly inconsistent with a loving relationship. Choking scenes in porn instantly destroy the mood.

    When a woman writes, "I like it rough," it feels like she belongs to a whole other species from someone like me.

    One woman I was briefly involved with demanded that I bite down hard on her nipples, and wasn't satisfied with my sincere efforts. She wanted a level of pain (or damage?) I wasn't willing to inflict.

    Still, I have learned some things from BDSM advocates. I know that a woman's orgasm is more intense if she can't move. Hence, in bed, I know to firmly hold a woman down when she starts bucking.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2014
  7. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    It's complicated.

    Sometimes in order to be in control people need to be allowed to give away all of their control.

    Sometimes loving someone means holding every part of them to yourself.

    Not all people into sub/dom are into direct pain. Well maybe some but not just for the sake of inflicting it.
    We didn't travel in the circles so we made up our own rituals and games so I doubt it looked anything like what you would find in a movie.

    But I suspect that most couples would be like that.
    Like movie lesbians vs real ones.
     
  8. Herculite

    Herculite Very Tilted

    This is one of those things I don't really grok. I'm not against it or think its somehow "wrong" but deep down I wonder if someone needs consoling, not for what they are doing but for whatever issues makes such a situation what they are looking for. A lifestyle of total submission just makes me feel there must be something deep down that needs to be addressed. I also admit that it could just be because I wouldn't accept that in myself or my partner that I just don't get it, much like a straight man can't get being attracted to another man at a visceral level (so what I'm saying is I'm open to being wrong on this).

    My relationship is D/d, basically I wear the pants, but shes at least wearing capris. Sometimes its D/D if something is important to her, and once in a blue moon its d/D. She tends to allow me to make the choices, sexual or otherwise, but every now and then is passionate about something, which I like because I get sick of always doing the work. Whats interesting is that when I am NOT there shes definitely a big "D". When we were dating I was warned by another woman I worked with (we were working in the same place at this point) that my future wife was "too headstrong" for me. I thought she was mistaken but shes more submissive when I'm around, though "submissive" is relative and in this case means less dominate.
     
  9. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    I wouldn't be one for Domination, but in the act being Submissive would be nice to a certain extent.

    But the kink for me would be that I'm allowing the nice lady I'm having fun with to engage & invest herself into taking pleasure from me.
    That she is in control of what she wants to do me for the pleasure is cool.

    Not to order me around or make me uncomfortable.
    Just that I let go...let her drive.
    Let her express herself. :cool:

    I not only enjoy giving pleasure, but I also enjoy getting it from someone who's enjoying giving it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2014
  10. Street Pattern

    Street Pattern Very Tilted

    My wife was a real lesbian for years, before we met, so I know something about that. :cool:
     
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  11. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    I can see one partner being dominant when needed, such as telling the other their attendance at a company GTG is unofficially required, they're tired of attending the opera without them, you will visit my parents even though you can't stand them, etc. IMO that's part of marriage or or a LTR.

    Several people mentioned the psychological aspect of such a relationship, esp. the submissive. I also question the deep reasons why someone would want/need to be completely dominated, as well as why someone would want to be in total control.

    One aspect that has me curious is financial. Would the s completely turn everything over to the D? Bank accounts, savings, investments, credit cards, car title, home, etc. It would make sense to me for the s to keep a certain amount of financial freedom in case the D/s arrangement didn't work out. Suppose it does work for quite some time, but then the D gets tired of their pet, and wants a new one. I can't see why anyone would risk being being totally broke and possibly homeless. Perhaps in a serious D/s relationship a contract is needed.

    Another aspect would be personal safety & health. If the s is truely totally submissive, and the D is a severe sadist, injury could be an issue. Being shared with others could have consequences. The fantasy of being forced to be the plaything for others (fairly common in erotica & porn) is one thing, the reality is most likely something quite different.
     
  12. Herculite

    Herculite Very Tilted

    Contracts

    Not the same thing, but the same idea in a way. I've seen that floating around for a few years at least.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  13. MSD

    MSD Very Tilted

    Location:
    CT
    This is pretty much how I feel. In the bedroom? sure, bring out the rope, handcuffs, power tools, whatever. In the rest of the relationship, the desire to be anything but equal partners is completely alien to me. I don't know how to look at it and be sure that I'm seeing a truly consensual relationship based on sincere desire and not a submissive partner who feels they deserve it because of psychological issues or an abused partner with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome. It's easy to understand on an intellectual level that some people will fetishize power dynamics that exist in society at large or subversion of that, but there's zero appeal to me. I can step back and look at it objectively, but I can't get past the fact that a lot of what I've seen from people in that kind of relationship creeps me out.
     
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  14. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    Thank you. That is an interesting read. It doesn't take a strong imagination to see the contract worded for a submissive female. I'll need to spend more time reading all the details.
     
  15. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    At the risk of threadjacking this thread (I will not call it "my" thread, we've seen enough of that in the past)......

    There have been guys on this forum who posted about being in hetero relationships with women who were mainly lesbian. Some of the women were bi-sexual with a strong preference for women, some were (previously) strictly lesbian. I don't recall any of the relationships being long term, much less leading to marriage. There is one very unique exception, but to this day I strongly question the stability of that relationship.

    SP, perhaps you could start a thread? If you're comfortable with it, obviously. FTR my interest isn' prurient.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2014
  16. Street Pattern

    Street Pattern Very Tilted

    Rather than a thread, I will do a blog post.
     
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  17. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & be quiet.

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    Which I look forward to reading. TIA!
     
  18. Baraka_Guru

    Baraka_Guru Möderätor Staff Member

    Location:
    Toronto
    This reminds me of one of my favourite neologisms/portmanteaus: hasbian.

    Anyway, my own view on the D/s lifestyle question: It seems to me that it would be rather contrived to sustain it over an entire lifestyle. Exceptions would be for those who find it as a natural extension of who they are. As in: They don't see it as a "lifestyle choice" so much as just who they are.

    I dunno.

    Don't ask me; I'm repressed.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  19. I have a different view. I feel in my being with my master he is my love, and the only man I would give my heart and soul to 100 percent. I do not take this lightly, and I hate to say it, but I have been through a few men... I have remember when CompuServe first came out and I went in a chat room and had no clue what it was and it was a dom room. I had a man talk to me in a way no one had ever thought to utter those words.
    God I was so young at the time but it was my first experience with sub/dom. I tabled it, and had no idea what it was, or why when I went to this room I was so excited.
    I think in your 20s if your are really this evolved and you understand yourself this much, and you really feel you can give yourself to a master and understand it, and really own it...then god bless you. I can only speak from my experience, and god I had no clue when I was in my 20s but hot as hell. lol
    I think from reading, people throw around "owning" and "slave', but for me and only my thoughts. I take ownership and my being a slave as the it and end result, and I serve this master, and only him. I am mature enough , and have been through enough that I can say this, and mean it and in my set of limits I am his only and another man will never touch me ever. That is what it means to me and my partner. I read a lot of post from slaves and subs, and I look up to you that you were willing to give yourself to someone, but reading some of the posts....it seems there is a lot of confusion, and not knowing how to make your master happy, and you seem sad or not knowing how or what to do.? I am not trying to me a dominate but only understand the thoughts and feelings.
    I guess my question is....do you take a master you are not in love with? If you are a slave , then you are a slave and for anyone? To me being a slave is being owned by one master and someone your trust to give your life to and take their collar and that is it, you are his and you please him and you look for his smile, and you love him. It seems like what I read there are slaves you are just wanting to be slaves? If you would be with anyone and be passed around aren't you then a submissive?
     
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  20. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    Like I said in my post it's not like the movies and the chat rooms are not a good indication either.
    Some people like multiple partners and the thrill of being dominated by strangers but I'm willing to bet that's a very small group.

    Even when love isn't involved, doms and subs have set relationships, even when it's being paid for.
    They have to because trust is a major element.

    Understand something, you may be collared but you have the right to set parameters.
    Have a safe word that when used everything stops, have rules, things that are to be kept separate, they make the game sweeter.
    If a master balks at any of this, they are not to be trusted.
     
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