Adventures in lactation

Many of us are parents. Some of us were able to breastfeed our kids. Others were support to their breastfeeding wives. When it comes to human milk, there are always funny stories.

This thread exists to share funny, awkward, or supportive stories about breastfeeding, pumping, or anything to deal with lactation.

This is not a debate. Deleterious comments will be removed.
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Yesterday I had to excuse myself from my student at lunch-time to take 15 minutes and pump some milk. I said "Sorry, but I'm going to show up 15 minutes late for lunch today. I have to go make some milk for my daughter now." He nodded and I closed the door to my office. When I emerged, all 3 of the guys in my usual lunch group welcomed me to the break room with various funny comments:
"I thought you quit that habit. Way to go." (thumbs up)
"Make sure you label that milk! I don't want to mistake it for my creamer."
"What kind of wacky torture device is that? I'm glad I don't have to hook up a vacuum pump to my chest every day. What does it pull, 10^-13kpa?" (we work with some substantial vacuum systems in the lab)
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Ways I tell people I need to pump:
Polite: "Excuse me. I need to be alone."
Polite but informative: "Pardon me while I go express some milk for my baby."
Crude: "Hey, give me a minute or ten... my boobs are exploding."
Rushed: "Dangit." (followed by running to my office and slamming the door)
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There are certain undergrads that whenever I hold a conversation with them, their voices trip my let-down response. I have no idea how this is for other women, but for me there's a terrible sensation that accompanies let-down - as if I'm being punched in the chest. Attempting to hide the fact that I'm feeling this intense and odd sensation is always difficult, and not usually successful. One time someone asked me, "What's wrong?"
My response? "Oh, nothing really. My body just thinks you need some milk right now."
They were confused.

 

Yes, diseases can be transmitted. There are informal milk-sharing outlets as well as milk banks. I participate in both. I was screened for most of the diseases before I gave birth and came out clean, but the testing for banks is often more comprehensive. I did a blood screening for an array of illnesses before I qualified to provide milk to the coop. They also required clearance from my doc (clean bill of health) and my child's pediatrician, stating that my child is thriving on my milk and any extra milk can be donated. I am required to maintain cleanliness standards for my pump and pump parts, and also was given dietary guidelines to assure the milk is nutrient-rich. If I take any supplements or medications I must have them cleared before donating milk with those contaminants. Once they receive my milk, it is intensively screened for quality, then pasteurized, and mixed for an appropriate nutrient profile. It is then shipped to hospitals for distribution to babies in their neonatal intensive care units.

Milk bank donation is very restrictive so that's part of why informal milk sharing is popular.

Regulations concerning human milk vary greatly from state to state. In some states it is illegal to sell milk, in others it is legal to sell, others all donations are only legal through milk banks.