bad relationship

first off its not me. lol

My sister in law has been married twice and divorced twice and has decided she is now a lesbian which is ok with me, i dont care as long as she is happy. she has been with this woman for almost a year now and its just a bad relationship. the other woman we will refer to her as G. G is about 15 years older than my sil. she is very controlling, and verbally abusive. she has no trust for my sil. they go through each others phones, emails, etc... because G is controlling and is afraid that my sil is cheating on her. they have broken up and gotten back togeather numerous times and its always over petty issues. G is a cancer and my sil will not see it this way. since they have been togeather my sil never comes to see my daughter or anything. her ex is a cop and we are still friends and has asked to see my daughter numerous times as well as my daughter wanting to see him so my wife and i decided to get them togeather but before we did we told my sil so that way she would know and she didnt think we were doing tings around her back. needless to say things exploded from there. apparently G and my sil were having issues at that time and my sil made the comment that if we did that then she would never see my daughter or us again. (basiclly so my daughter didnt go over there when G was there and say something about seeing uncle XXXXX and it causing a big stink with them) now he was there for my daughter all the time and played with her and spent time with her but my sil has always been about herself. uncle XXXX and i decided to let it go for now but were both disappointed. my sil blames all their (her and G) problems on uncle XXXX because my sil will send him his mail etc.... very childish. i try to stay out of the middle of everything but she is my sil and i just want whats best for her.

history on my sil---- she cant be alone, she is a follower not a leader and is minuplated very easy, she has no kids and wants everything to be about her, takes no responsability on her actions when there negative, has had several demotions at work because she keeps missing work, she misses work everytime they fight or break up, blames everyting on everyone else, im sure i left a few things out


history on G----she is very posessive, she has been abusive to previous partners, acts like she is immature, very controling, im sure i left a few things out


everytime i or anyone tries to talk to her all she can say is leave me alone and stay out of my business. right now they are apart because G found and email on my sil phone from uncleXXXX that stated "i had to go by your work the other day and i didnt see your car. are you ok?" and my sil replied "yes im fine". she keeps saying that her life is over etc... when they are apart.

my question is how do i or anyone get her to see whats going on? she just dosent want to hear it. what am i suposto do to make her see it, she wont talk to me, or my wife, or any of her long time friends anymore. i dont like drama and dont want to get in the middle of it but i dont want to see her unhappy. im sure i left out some details that ill think of. lol

 

yeah, we kinda decided to let everything just blow over and then get them togeather and not tell my sil.

 

Sorry about butchering your post, Ralphie. I see "she cant be alone" as the main problem. The unfortunate thing is nothing will change until your SIL decides she can live her own life, alone if necessary.

 

Maybe encourage her to go to an Alanon meeting. It sounds to me as though it's a codependent relationship and that never works out.

Like @chrisnoyb says - being alone is also an issue.

But this is also her life. Not yours. You can't "fix" or "change" her. She has to want to do that for yourself.

She may not even be aware of what is painfully obvious to the outside world.

 

What is alanon

 

Al-Anon/Alateen - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Support group for friends and family of alcoholics.
Can be very helpful for folks to talk about the kind of stuff they live through having partners or family members with addiction problems.
If it hasn't been a big part of your life it's kind of hard to relate.

 

It has been a huge part of my recovery and understanding of myself. After all, I allowed those things to happen to me. I won't now.

@redravin - you're familiar?

 

Haven't had to go myself but it helped a good friend deal with problems she had growing up with alcoholic parents (and the constant reminder that she had the potential for that problem herself).

 

It really can. I can't say enough good about it.

 

Hello Ralphie

Good to say hello and I hope things are going OK aside from this.

Yeah, I, too, think Alanon is a good place to go to. Another bit, as suggested above, is to stick to your position and assertions, thus remain true to yourself in what you say to her, and remain true to yourself in maintaining active contact with her.

Also, I believe she needs to reach out more. However much or little she is doing, she needs to do so more. And that's a matter for training rather than the advice. Your advice and sticking to it is great ... I want to suggest a possible tweak for your 'delivery system'.

Slightly reduce your active contact with her. Just slightly, so she can notice the difference. Then notice what differences that makes to her when you do make contact. Also notice to what extent she fills the space by making more contact with you. As she moves forward, back away very slightly. As she moves away, then you move forward but only very slightly so she gets some but not quite enough attention from you. Play the fish, as it were, with intent to reel her in in your direction; so she comes increasingly to seek your company and your advice.

In no way buy into or collude with her contaacts being confidential or secret. She needs to feel the pressure within her relationship of her need and decisions to reach out. Otherwize she'll be acting like a slave sneaking out behind her mistress's back rather than one who develops and asserts independence. Your outcome is to gently pressure her and support her to create her own pressure toward independence within her relationship

A sad possible outcome is that it may come to light that she's made the adult decision accept missing your presence, and to stay stuck. If that is the case, then you, having tried, may correctly feel the pain, stand down, and learn to mourn the 'lost living'. You're still there for her, your door is open and you keep a candle in the window. But it is she who'll choose whether it guide her home or, trying no longer to swim ashore, commend her soul, with your love and best wishes, beyond your ken.

Take care, Ralphie and respect and best wishes to your wife

 

I am in a wonderful, kind, loving, sexual relationship with a woman that is also 16 yrs my senior. we did't date at first. Her only husband of more than 35yrs had passed away. we became the best of friends. Her name is Sandy. Sandy now after 7 yrs knows me so well we actually think the same, not on all topics, but close. So talking with her has allowed me the pleasure of opening up and saying some really good smart stuff to just being a plain dumbass. and we laugh and talk about us all the time. This turned into a sexual relationship, I remember the day, She wore some ( come fuck me knee high boots ) My mouth watered, my eyes we're captivated I could feel my heart pound and of course my pants got to tight. after the first six months of almost killing each other, you know what I mean, we started talking again. I said openly that I would like to be with her but only for a couple years. I was truthful and she agreed, I was too young for her. However our life together just got better, my kids meet her kids and all went well. Now two more yrs have passed and I Know that in my heart I Love Sandy. However it may be I will be 52 this year and she will be 68. We have experienced life in such a short time. Death of long known loved ones, births of newly loved ones, marriages and divorces, work and play. Dancing in our socks at home and to live bands. I have listened to her with my ears and heart of how she Loved her man Gordon, and their two wonderful kids and all the memories of her life, good and bad, as it is in anyone's life. I also know she appreciates me listening when I bring up some of her memories and initiate conversation. Sandy is perfect in her compassion as she does the same for me. Here it comes....I have a tendency to self-destruct and I am now choosing not to, however I cannot see myself at retirement age taking care of a fragile 81 yr old woman, even if my heart says to, This may be due to my own self preservation. Concepts of spending my last years with someone that cannot do the same. I maybe too self-conscience of public view. I am not sure anymore what drives my mind in this Love. My heart and sexual body says continue, however my mind says a woman my age has more years to offer. Then there's the....the new woman won't be like Sandy. I need advice and am opening my heart here to the TFP. please reply

 

i went over the other day to take her some mail i had for her and she seemed corgal, but you could feel the tension in the air. im just going to give it tiem and let her make her own decisions wether or not they are good ones. she is a grown woman.
ive decided that we will let my daughter see uncle XXXX but maybe in a surprising way, like oh look who we ran into... she is our daughter and we know whats best for her. but im sure we will change out mind a few times. lol

@POPEYE let me think on that for a bit
--- merged: Feb 27, 2015 at 7:38 AM ---
and i will talk to my wife about alanon this weekend and see what might be the best way to approach it

 

@POPEYE the one thing I have learned in the past year is that life is fucking short.
If we don't live for what have now it will be gone and all we'll have is regrets.
Don't loose something you cherish because of maybe's.
Sure there are challenges but life is useless without them.

Don't worry about what the future may bring in terms of you taking care of her.
Sure it's a possibility but that's a bridge you'll cross when you get there.
The fact is you could get hit by a bus and she could be stuck taking care of you.
There are so few chances in this life for people to share even a sliver of joy that it's important to grab them and hold on tight.

Yes, these are the words of a romantic idiot who has been broken one time too many but I don't see your situation as insurmountable.
You can have time that you wouldn't have had otherwise and screw all the other problems, doubts, and worries.
Put on your armor and be her knight, you will woo her with words and deeds, stand beside her and protect her back.
Don't be that guy that stand around, that worships from afar and does nothing.

You deserve better.

 

POPEYE, I'm currently at a loss for meaningful words. About all I have is this:

Have you discussed the future with her? Are both of you on the same page regarding LTR, co-habitating, even marriage? Or maybe this is one those enjoy it for what it is for now, and part friends later situations? I can't imagine the mixed feelings involved.

 

Mixed feelings is right and rightfully true. This wonderful thing could go either way. Thank you all, no easy answer due to the fork in the road. I will simmer on it and settle down. I like to write letters, real one's on paper and use snail mail, so I will take some time and pour my heart out and see what happens.

 

@ralphie250: It sounds like uncle xxxxx is a much more loving/positive contact for your daughter's life than the SIL, at this point in time. I feel, as far as your daughter is concerned, that is a more important consideration than your SIL's feelings on the matter. In fact, your SIL has no voice in what decisions you make where your daughter is concerned. IMO, he is still more "uncle" to her than the SIL is an "aunt." As a parent, your responsibility to enhance positive influences in your child's life should take precedence. Uncle xxxxx sounds like a good one.

As for your SIL, does your wife see the same destructive behavior in her that you do? How is she responding to it? How close is her relationship to your SIL? Can the two of you have a calm, unemotional conversation about the situation? If you start limiting contact, how will your wife handle that?

@POPEYE: ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!?!?!?!? It sounds like you have found a soul mate and you should be relishing every moment instead of worrying about what may happen ten or fifteen years down the road. Would you seriously consider settling for a lesser relationship in exchange for a few imagined extra years? Nothing is guaranteed, so make the very best of the good thing you have today!