Can Single People Be Considered Successful?

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I'm not quite sure how to phrase this question. It is something that I think about from time to time in my life though.

At least for me, the meaning of life is to be successful and self-sufficient. Without that I can't be happy. I also can't be happy if some of the basic human needs aren't being met. Thankfully, I've always had clean air, water and shelter. I have no health problems. Food was a problem back when I was depressed and poor, but that isn't a problem anymore. Sleep is still far from ideal... But, sex has been non-existent. And it just seems that no matter what I do, it is all meaningless if there is no one else that wants me or to share my life experiences with me. And I've lost most hope of this changing anytime soon.

What is the point of buying a new car, a bigger house, or new clothes, if you don't need to impress anyone? What is the point of going to the Grand Canyon again, going skiing alone, going kayaking, going to the beach? I've done those things enough times before, it's not like they will be much different if I go again. There have been plenty of times when I find myself in some far away place in the middle of nowhere thinking, "what am I doing here instead of finding a girl"? People always say to "be yourself and you will find someone", and I wish that was likely, but I doubt it.

If you would have asked the 18-year old me which one would happen first, either earning $1 million in income or having sex. I would think I and most people would have picked sex. Now that I am more than halfway to $1 million, I'm not sure which is more likely to happen first anymore.

Since sex is one of the primary needs, if you have never had it, can you be considered successful at anything? I might feel differently if I had a past relationship or was married before. Doesn't society judge people in stable long term relationships as the ideal type of successful person? And since 'sex sells' in today's market, if what you are doing doesn't lead to sex, it must not be good.

Would you rather be someone who is poor and married to your spouse, or single and well-off in every aspect of your life but love? People already would consider my accomplishments impressive though and am doing better than most my age financially. Does it really matter if I write a book, make an award winning movie, travel around the world, start a business, retire from 9-5 life in my 40's, build a house, or make a lot of money in the stock market? If you don't have someone to share it with, does anything matter over having enough to afford the necessities in life?




Here is an interesting article, even if it is written by an economic conservative lobbyist.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/20/opinion/sunday/arthur-c-brooks-love-people-not-pleasure.html?_r=0

 

External definitions of success are inventions of people with things to sell. If you want to find a relationship then do it. It isn't hard. It happens all the time. But if you're happy single then you shouldn't chase a relationship that you don't want in the hopes that in finding it you will also find success.

 

Interesting topic and it's cool that you put it out there.

I have to say that I am baffled by the above quote. I think you need to figure out what is important to you, and only then are you going to be ready to be someone else's soulmate.

The material things like the car, clothes and house? Buy what you need. Forget about impressing someone else. It's meaningless crap once you have the basics that you need.

On to the experiences: I did almost all of those things when I was single, and have also done them with my wife. I enjoyed then when single, enjoyed them again with my life whom I love dearly. BUT if something tragic were to happen, and I was on my own again, I know that I would still go back to those very things, and enjoy them and see the meaning in them.

Good luck on your journey.

 

I have struggled with the same thoughts, ASU. I think part of it comes from growing up in Ohio, where it seems like 90% of my HS class is married, another 60% with children already. "Family values" and all that seem to make it seem wrong to be alone all the time, regardless of what you are doing with your time.

I have come to terms with my solitude. In fact, most of the time it seems to make me happier and feel more successful than being in a relationship. I agree with Borla, you need to define success for yourself and come to terms with your definition. If the definition is being in a partnership with someone and sharing everything with them, well, go and pursue it. If that doesn't actually matter to you, then keep doing as you are.

I think the sticking point for you is that you *haven't* experienced a relationship of the same type you see other people pursuing and participating in. It's not going to derail your train too much to pursue a relationship - so perhaps make it a goal to at least see what it's like and whether it adds to your life? I've only been in a few relationships that I felt truly added to my life, but they still didn't work out for whatever reasons. I imagine that once you find a partnership you will get a better image of whether it is encompassed in your personal definition of success.

Loneliness definitely gets old, though. I feel you on that.

 

I grew up wanting and planning to be a hermit.

Finding a relationship is not easy if you've never had one before, or have physical/mental/social issues that are deal-breakers for many or most potential partners.

There's also a vicious Catch-22 aspect to the pairing-off process: if you're really enthusiastic about someone, they're not likely to be very interested in you, and vice versa. Somebody has to be the partner that cares more, and somebody has to be the partner that cares less. If you hold out for perfect symmetry, you'll end up alone.

 

Success is in the eyes of the beholder. I have a sister that is very into the one-upsmanship game.

She has a $750k house. I wake up every morning in the mountains.
Her daughter graduated from an Ivy league school, mine made ski patrol.
Her and her husband have a combined $250k/yr income. I got 30+ ski days in last year, put 10k miles on my motorcycle, and wore out a pair of hiking boots.

It's really hard for her to understand that we aren't playing by the same rules.

Being single or in a relationship only plays into that if you want it to. If I found myself single, I'd likely stay that way. Of course, I'd have said the same thing before I started dating my wife.

 

Can single people be considered successful? Yes. Yes, they can.

Looking at Maslow's chart I do not see marriage or anything like it as part of a human need. Sex is there, but not qualified as a partnership. Family is there, but that might be interpreted many ways. Looks to me that if the meaning of life to you, as you wrote, is to be successful and self-sufficient, then it appears you have succeeded.

The reason you buy a car is for transportation. The reason you buy a particular car is that it suits your values, situation, comfort, ability, and so forth. You might also choose public transportation, biking, or walking for the same reasons. The same goes with clothes. When you ski or kayak, it is you alone that is experiencing the sensations, the cold, wind, excitement, even if you are sidebyside with another person. It is you that interprets those and shares them with others whether at that moment or later as a memory.

This is not in any way a suggestion that primary partners or marriage are not needed/wanted, nor are they disposable. I understand what you are asking and I understand the richness a partner adds to life and how mundane it can be by yourself. Loneliness is a bitch. Keep in mind that Lazlow's interpretation above charts basic needs not success, and remember he was just a dude, a human like you, charting his judgement/view of general human needs. You could be the dude who who charts his own specific needs.

 

That's an interesting thread. It's right to say that if you want to have something then do something for it. However, if we talk about finding a person for relationship, I believe that sometimes there's not enough of life to find such person (figuratively speaking). Sometimes, a person may try to do his or her best for somebody with whom he or she wants to build a relationship, but this "somebody" may just refuse it as this person doesn't meet the requirements of a desired helpmate. And it can happen over and over again and each time it becomes more and more difficult to try find a person for relationship. Anyway, I believe that even in case of repeated failures, the only right way to achieve what you want is just to continue to try.