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Firsts...

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by musicale, Jul 27, 2017.

  1. Hello all,

    My first post here, detailing a number of firsts...

    I am very late to the game in many ways, as I just recently came out of my first relationship of sorts (at the age of 36) with an exceptionally beautiful, sweet but ultimately flawed younger woman (she is 23). We met through friends and were friendly for about half a year before we started getting closer, mainly through text and meeting for the occasional drink with those mutual friends. Eventually I suggested going to dinner and to watch a film, which she seemed happy and excited to do, and we did a couple times before she suggested perhaps coming over to watch a film instead.

    Having virtually no experience in these things, I naively assumed Netflix and chill was just Netflix and chill... but I could feel the tension dialling up. At this point we were texting all the time, and after going home one evening I remember texting "This might sound weird, but I felt at points this evening like I should have kissed you." Her reply: "Yes, you should."

    I'd never kissed a girl or done anything sexual before.

    The next visit was tense, and it took me two hours to muster up the courage. Eventually I went for it, and it was the most intense experience of my life. We ended up making out for over an hour, getting more and more handsy, before I peeled her jeans off and went down on her for half an hour before she decided we should probably stop, and that she didn't want any of our friends to know about this. We made out for another half an hour and I went home.

    Over the next couple months, I lost my virginity to her (never told her this), we would spend 2-4 nights a week at each others' place and were in constant contact. She was very insecure, didn't realise just how beautiful she is, and I was also pretty insecure having never been naked as an adult in front of another human being. We were kind to each other, and I'd like to think I made her as comfortable around me as she made me feel around her.

    She would ask me if it was okay to say at she missed me, I would tell her I couldn't wait to see her again and we would describe the things we would do to each other when we did. I supported her through her difficult times and would sometimes just sit and hold her without saying anything when she needed.

    It ended very suddenly when her anxiety and depression flared up quite seriously and she shut herself away from the world and wanted to be left alone. We had a huge fight one night where she said she deserved to be alone, and I was too good for her and she had all these problems that she didn't want to drag me into. I tried my best to reassure her that I wasn't just there for the good bits, but I was there to be with her through tough times as well. We made up that night and I left her in the morning after some tender lovemaking, but thereafter she told me that if we saw each other again, it would be just as friends.

    That was two months ago, and I'm still not over it. Some time apart and perspective have helped me to see that it probably wasn't the healthiest of relationships, but I miss her company terribly and am worried that I'll never meet anyone else. I'm not sure if I miss her more, or just the idea of having someone around to talk to all the time, but either way I'm struggling.

    I'm sure there must have been others who've been in this situation before - any advice is very much welcome. As it stands, I'm struggling to sleep and have lost over 10kg.
     
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  2. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    I applaud your bravery and honesty by sharing all of this. Also welcome to the forums, this is a very special place and I hope you love it as much as I do! Relationships often do change us forever, however my concern is over your weight loss. 10kg (20 lbs.?) is a hell of a lot to lose over such a short time. Have there been any other changes to your health recently?

    As far as the break up I have nothing useful to add. :( In the past I've both ended relationships myself and also been dropped like a hot rock when I thought everything was peachy keen. Both sides suck but there are lessons to be learned from both. I'm looking backwards many years for those so hopefully someone wise and knowledgable about such things will be along shortly. :)

    These are fluff links but do contain some truths and humor...
    The Best 25 Pieces of Advice That’ll Make You Stronger After a Breakup
    21 People Share The Best Advice They've Ever Received After A Breakup
     
    • Like Like x 3
  3. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    Sorry that I don't have anything great to add advice wise either but welcome to TFP and I hope we can provide you with interesting diversion.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. oldtimer56

    oldtimer56 umime

    Location:
    East Texas
    No wisdom here either, since I am a old widower,,,,
     
  5. Thanks for the kindness. 10kg is about 22lb, but to be honest I could stand to lose another 10kg so it's not like my skin is hanging off my bones at the moment. I just don't have much of an appetite for food or life at the moment.
     
  6. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    Thanks for joining us.

    one just has to keep going. the alternative is worse.

    One of those links has this image which is described like this:

    "One time my friend sent me a GIF of a little baby penguin running, then falling down, and getting back up again and continuing to run like nothing happened. She said, 'Look, if the little penguin can fall over and keep going, so can you.' We still talk about that baby penguin when other bumps in the road come up."

    [​IMG]

    @Wildmermaid, thanks
     
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  7. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    *hugs you @cynthetiq * <3
     
    • Like Like x 2
  8. I like this. I'm finding it hard... but as you say, the alternative is worse.

    What are some things I can do to prepare for meeting someone again?
     
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  9. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    Think of your good and not so great traits. See which you would like to improve and which need to be changed. Start with little things but become a person you love to spend time with. That is not as easy as it sounds if you have sort of a negative self image, but it is valuable and will keep you striving for your best self. Also go to the places where there are people doing what you love! If you adore books head to a bookstore or join a reading club! If there is a sport/game/craft that is your thing do that! What are your interests and hobbies? :)
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    What if you didn't do anything to prepare?

    What if you did things like @Wildmermaid is suggesting and do things that make you grow as a person and then you seem to be more interesting and attract someone who is interested in what you are interested in?
     
    • Like Like x 2
  11. Joelski

    Joelski Vertical

    First loves are terrible and everybody should just ff through the pain, and grief of the experience....

    Obviously, that's a ludicrous statement! Let's examine some observations:

    She is young. Yes, 20 is fetal from a wise perspective (Call me old and I'll gut you like a mackerel, I prefer sagely :)) and some even reek of placenta and lack of worldly experience. Although depression does affect 95% of the world's population, I would argue that the 5% that are unaccounted for are hanging out at the cemetery; ie: everybody has had some kind of depressing experience, be it a loss of a girlfriend or poor grade (Projected grief at loss of privileges!, therefore the depression!).

    You got a slow start. There's nothing wrong with that! Perfection takes time and even though God made the earth in 6 days, it took time to mellow and mature.

    You had a true connection with another soul. My perspective on this is that there is a "Mr/Mrs. Right" for everybody, just as there are "Mr./Mrs. Right Nows" on every street corner (Bad analogy), and the true Right One takes time to find. There is such a thing as a Prices kissing female toads! Something else to understand that takes time is separating opposite-sex friend from love interest. Women are much better at playing hard to get than guys, especially at younger ages. That doesn't mean the fairer sex is less horny; only that my exhaustive search did not reveal many rivals for my hormone-driven appetites as a young man. Anyway, bottom line is it's always better to get to know somebody, discover similar interests, passions and aspirations and then fall in love than to marry on the second date.

    Over time, you lose your identity. Being YOU is fascinating to other people. It's true or they wouldn't talk to you!! In those first several relationships we tend to link-up and remain so until one of us hates the other. You stop doing the things that made you an interesting person and lose content for those stories that make for an interesting "How was your day?" conversation.

    Depression is a great weight loss program. For anorectic people only! Starvation is never good, nor is lack of sleep, or physical exercise (unless you're losing sleep because you're shagging 24/7/365!). Try to get a walk or a run in. Do simple calisthenics. Make sure you get some nutrition and by the time you come out the other side of this, you will need a stick to beat off all the ladies wanting to have at you for a good ole shag session!

    Which brings me to "I'm afraid I'll never find anybody" Take a deep breath, let it out (and repeat continuously!), and relax. Whether you believe in God, Buddha, the flying spaghetti monster or all of the above, you were given that one, and another will come along at the appropriate time. When is that? When you finally are over the sadness and loss of best friend feelings we've all gone through. You don't have to look for it, it finds you.

    You may think I'm a cynical prick right now, but in 30 years or so, you'll agree completely.

    PEACE & LOVE - Paul McCartney
     
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  12. Have been doing better, but struggling a bit today. What I'd give to be spooning her warm body with my face in her hair right now. :(