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Funny Of The Day

Discussion in 'uncle phil's Posting Games' started by uncle phil, Aug 1, 2011.

  1. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

    Doctor: "What happened?"

    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

    Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it inyour mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished andswished,and he didn't touch me !!"

    Doctor: "Now you see how much keeping your mouth shut helps ??"
     
  2. made me smile
     
  3. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

    The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
    and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

    "I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips.

    "I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

    "On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

    "At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

    The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

    "I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

    "I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

    The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

    He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

    "I don't know," replies the man, "picture this: I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest..."
     
  4. why are the text in black? i can barely see it with this dark background
     
  5. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    don't know; hopefully someone is working on resolving this issue as we speak...
     
  6. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
    Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
    The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
    Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
    The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
    'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!
     
  7. Nikilidstrom

    Nikilidstrom Vertical

    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Is this thread only for you to post jokes, Phil? I don't wanna step on any toes.

    Love the ones already posted by the way.
     
  8. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    post away...

    when we get a "humor" forum, i'll post a joke a day under the title of the joke but for now, post whatever floats your boat...
     
  9. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
    The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
    The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'


    The preacher said, 'No shit?'
     
  10. lol, thats a keeper
     
  11. Nikilidstrom

    Nikilidstrom Vertical

    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem"

    "When I wake up in the morning, my wife always gives me a blowjob. Then when I get to work, I fuck my secretary in the copy room. After that, I usually meet my mistress at lunch and have sex. And after all that, when I get home from work my wife wants me to fuck her in the ass."

    The doctor looks at the man with a sly grin and says, "Well then, what's the problem?"

    The man replies, "It hurts when I jerk off."
     
  12. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'


    'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
     
  13. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

    'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
     
  14. Nikilidstrom

    Nikilidstrom Vertical

    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    A doctor gets a phone call in the middle of the night

    "Doctor, please come over right away!" begged the woman on the line, "My child just swallowed a condom!"

    The doctor rushed to get around, but before he was able to get out of the front door, the phone rang again

    "You don't have to come over after all," the woman says when the doctor answers, "My husband just found another one."
     
  15. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

    They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
     
  16. It was a double feature, the second show was 'See You in the Spring'
     
  17. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon assuredly the cause of the angry Economy..

    Location:
    FREEDOM!
    i laughed too damn hard
     
  18. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    A young fellow from Kansas moves to California and goes to a big'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

    The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Kansas."

    Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job."You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

    "How many sales did you make today?"

    The kid says, "One."

    The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look foranother job!

    How much was the sale for?"

    The kid says, "$112,237.64."

    The boss says, "$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"

    Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

    "Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

    "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RVdepartment and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook andyou sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

    Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing'."
     
  19. uncle phil

    uncle phil Moderator Emeritus (and sorely missed) Staff Member

    Location:
    pasco county
    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
    'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

    'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

    'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

    'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

    'So then?' asked the doctor.

    'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

    'So then?'
    'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
     
  20. Zen

    Zen Very Tilted Donor

    Location:
    London
    Two cows in a field.

    One goes "MOO"

    The other goes "WOW ... that's JUST what I was going to say!"