Is there something wrong with me?

I'm new to all this so go easy on me.
I know this is going to be hard topic for me to start off on, but here goes.

I really don't know if somethings wrong with me or not. I'm not going to lie, I've had issues with my life since I was a baby. I was abused and put up for adoption. Then I was abused again and when I gained the courage to tell the truth...I was called a liar. Finally, I moved out and am once again abandoned. I have a boyfriend and he is really the only person I can turn to for anything. We've been dating for a little over two years and yet there are still things I cannot discuss with him; without being embarrassed or ashamed of myself.
Right now, my issue is my weight. I'm 5'8" and weigh 138 lbs. You look at me, and would never guess it. I know I'm skinny and I shouldn't complain, but I look in the mirror and all i see is fat. And it doesn't help that all I do is eat. I shouldn't complain because yes I can eat all I want and it doesn't go anywhere....but eventually it catches up to me. I know I should start excercising and watching what I'm eating...but I just don't have any control. My boyfriends busy with school and we're currently in a Long-distance relationship...so he really doesn't know how I feel. I'm not saying this is going to turn into an eating disorder because I'm not going to altogether stop eating or start making myself throw up. I just wish I could look in the mirror and actually feel as pretty as everyone says that I am. And I wish i had better control. Is there really something wrong with me? I would love to talk about this with SOMEONE....

 

I don't know if there is anything wrong with you but there sure is with the font you're using.

 

what's wrong with the font?

 

Everyone is told every day by just about every ad that they see that they are just not good enough, so most people at one point or another feel pretty shitty about how they look on some level. Couple that with your history, and you have the potential for a serious problem. Thankfully you recognize the potential problem, and it sounds like on some level you know that your anxiety is distorted from reality. Good luck finding some help.

 

bold maybe, really looks odd on my PC

As far as your problems, I'm probably not much help. You're probably a lot more normal than you think. Everyone at some time has image issues, they don't think they look good enough, too fat, too thin, too something. Relax. Take it easy on yourself. You're probably better off than you think you are.

 

I'm just new to this so i thought i messed up my font and he couldn't read it or something.

And I don't like looking at it as a "problem". and I don't like the idea that I need "help" but I guess that's really what it is. I do know I have a problem...I just don't want to actually admit it to myself you know? There are days where I will wake up and I'll feel pretty great about myself, but then there are days like today where I have to ask someone's opinion. I don't know, thanks for responding though.

 

personally, I think you've done the first most important step, to look within yourself, recognize the problem and desire the change.... the next step is to initiate the change, and have the courage to follow through with it, you don't need a specific timeline for this, its whatever, whenever you feel comfortable with doing it.... for me, positivity has a huge impact on my day and I have to keep rising to the occasion with a good attitude so I can be more successful....

 

138 lbs on a 5'8" chassis doesn't sound excessive to me. I'm thinking that your bad experiences at the stage of life when you were developing your sense of self image has got some of your perceptions skewed, and it's not an easy thing to overcome. My wife has fought that battle. It can be won!

Number 1: those people that abused you and abandoned you are nobody to you. They are the ones with problems, NOT YOU! Nothing they did to you was your fault. They are out of your life, so close that door.
Number 2: only let people into your life who are supportive. If they demean you, disrespect you... ditch 'em! True friends feed the soul and encourage you, revel in your joys and empathize with your sorrows.
Number 3: do things that make you truly happy. I mean deep, lasting, heart-bursting joy! You may have to try a hundred things before you find what does it for you, but find it! Brooding and self-doubt can't survive once you do.
Number 4: get lucky enough to find someone who totally loves you. Don't force it, but I'm betting that eventually, little by little, you'll feel close enough, comfortable enough, to start sharing your story. It will be wrenching, tear-filled and horrifying, but leave you sobbing in each others arms, feeling more deeply loved than you ever thought possible.

This is no psycho-babble. I have no training or tolerance for that crap. I'm just a grumpyolddude. This is real-life. It happens. It works.
God bless you, and may good things happen for you, RiPA.

 

Hi RestlessinPA

FONT ... it was showing up as black on dark green on my browser. I've removed the formatting and am quoting you , full size here:

ReslessinPA opening post said, "I'm new to all this so go easy on me.
I know this is going to be hard topic for me to start off on, but here goes.

I really don't know if somethings wrong with me or not. I'm not going to lie, I've had issues with my life since I was a baby. I was abused and put up for adoption. Then I was abused again and when I gained the courage to tell the truth...I was called a liar. Finally, I moved out and am once again abandoned. I have a boyfriend and he is really the only person I can turn to for anything. We've been dating for a little over two years and yet there are still things I cannot discuss with him; without being embarrassed or ashamed of myself.
Right now, my issue is my weight. I'm 5'8" and weigh 138 lbs. You look at me, and would never guess it. I know I'm skinny and I shouldn't complain, but I look in the mirror and all i see is fat. And it doesn't help that all I do is eat. I shouldn't complain because yes I can eat all I want and it doesn't go anywhere....but eventually it catches up to me. I know I should start excercising and watching what I'm eating...but I just don't have any control. My boyfriends busy with school and we're currently in a Long-distance relationship...so he really doesn't know how I feel. I'm not saying this is going to turn into an eating disorder because I'm not going to altogether stop eating or start making myself throw up. I just wish I could look in the mirror and actually feel as pretty as everyone says that I am. And I wish i had better control. Is there really something wrong with me? I would love to talk about this with SOMEONE.... "

You are addressing specific issues and behaviours, and for the moment, I'll point you to Grumpyolddude's post above, and I'll quote this bit ...

Wrong things have happened, and you don't like some of how you feel or what you have been doing, and you want to talk about things. With just one special person or with a group? We don't know that, yet, though practicing sharing, though it can feel like a leap of faith, makes it easier to explore how much we want or need to share and with whom. I will borrow Gumpyolddude's words into a context of my intent: "Don't force it, but I'm betting that eventually, little by little, you'll feel close enough, comfortable enough, to start sharing your story."

He's specifying you and your boyfriend, and I'm extending it to include US here.
Also, I'm extending 'US' to include YOU, RestlessinPA. Because within a tad of your arrival, you've rolled your sleeves up and become, along with us, a friend to RedSneaker in her 'Relationship Concerns' thread. And that's the truth. You could have simply glanced at her thread, abandoned her and got busy here. You, deep in the midst of your own 24/7 struggle, throwing out a strand of support like that. OK, you might be one of those 'can help others but not self', but it's no lie that others are getting helped, and that's Pretty dang good.

Abandoned is a funny word, because to someone who HAS been abandoned a lot, then someone simply 'going away' for a while can feel like being abandoned. Some people's only experience of being alone has been when abandoned, and there is no space for being Alone With yourself, as you were when posting this thread, and your choice when or whether to post here will be your choice, and, from what I can see, this place has been around for quite some time.

That's a very pretty avatar ... those flowers ... did you take that picture, or do you just like lovely pictures? Do go ahead and immerse yourself in other threads here ... get to know people's posting styles, wonder how close and for how long you wish to be here, and what else may interest you. You've already put your questions in the pot along with what else is here for you and the people you respond to, and which SOMEONES you would more love to or need to talk about all this with, and, without forcing, all these answers may develop as you're beginning to make yourself at home here.

Pleased to meet you

 

Restless - you are a survivor me thinks - which is not like a victim. A survivor has climbed out of the abyss - To be honest with you, there is probably something 'wrong' with nearly evryone - you are far from alone.
You too Zen.

 

This is definitely a better assessment than my own... really good insight.... same with Zen and Grumpyolddude.... I've been schooled in advice giving...

 

Your first assertion contradicts your second and third. If you were so sure that you weren't at risk of developing an eating disorder or body image disorder, you wouldn't have asked us for reassurance. I'm not going to reassure you, I'm some guy on the Internet and what I say means nothing. I'll guess that you're in college since you're in a long distance relationship, wherever you're going probably offers free counseling. If not, hopefully you're in a situation where you can get professional help covered by insurance. You've had it tough in life, there's nothing wrong with admitting that it's more than you can personally deal with, but some forum on the Internet is not the place that's going to make a difference, no matter how awesome we are (we're pretty awesome.)

 

Restless - when you can not control anything in your life, you can control not eating, your body can become like a barometer of the control you think you have. Its beating yourself up. If you are not happy with your body shape, try cycling or swimming - but when you reach what you wanted, it will probably still be wrong because its not the problem, its like a placebo problem to hide the real one. When you dont understand why people who should love you are treating you like shit and with cruelty and you are only small, when people keep blaming you, when you search yourself for what it is that is so bad you must be treated with hate, and when you fail to find anything tangible - well, surely it is your fault - most other children dont get treated this way. As MSD says, get some couselling if you can - either free from college, or even try charities helping others in similar or like situations.
I wish that you will get the best revenge on your tormentors Restless, I hope you learn that you deserve happiness, that you find it, and live a long happy contented life, and that any family you make will be everything good that yours wasnt. Peace, love and light. May your revenge be magnificent!

 

The fact that you see a problem with your body when you know objectively that there isn't one indicates that there's some kind of mental problem going on. That you're not starving yourself or making yourself throw up doesn't mean the underlying issue isn't serious. By way of analogy, if your cholesterol levels are sky high, the fact that you're not currently having chest pains doesn't mean you shouldn't still see a doctor. Find a counselor or psychologist. They'll help you find out how serious this is and help you fix it.

 

Thanks everyone for replying. You ALL gave great advice. I think I'm just going to start working out and eating healthier. And stop eating less. I guess I only ate as much as I did because I was bored. Ya know, when you're sitting there watching tv and all of a sudden you want a bag of chips or ice cream. I'm really gonna start fighting it and start working out. But not excessively! 30 minutes a day at least. Starting tomorrow since it's my day off.
Grumpyolddude- thanks. I have shared my abandonment story with my boyfriend and he's really the only person who knows. Which is why I feel so comfortable with him, but then there are just some things I know he would think were absurd. Like me worrying about my weight. I know he'd get mad at me for even worrying which is why, I think, I don't want to talk to him about it.

Zen- Thank you too! It was very... philosophical and true about me. Like I said, I'm in a long-distance relationships and every time he leaves after hes come visit me, I get really upset. I know guys hate clinginess and my whole "abandonment" issue shouldn't be used as an excuse as to why I'm so clingy to him. But it is one of the major reasons. Everyone I get close to...eventually leaves or drifts away from me. And once that door is shut...it's SEALED shut. So when my boyfriend leaves -- and while he's gone -- I'm always worried he's sitting over there contemplating why he's still with me. I know it sounds stupid, being with him for 2 years and all but its just ALWAYS going to be a major concern on my mind and I can't change it. He treats me AMAZINGLY...I just wish he would understand I really can't help the whole...clingy and worrying and all teh crap. But I WILL work on it. OH! And I found that picture of the flowers already on my computer, but I LOVE taking pictures of nature. So I figured this would work best. I'm beautiful flower trying to blossom...haha cheesie I know, but I came up with it myself. Be proud. hahaha.
MSD- No, I'm not in college. Things were getting so bad in my house that I moved out. And because I moved out, my parents took my car-- and because they took my car I couldn't go to school or work. So I dropped out and quit my job. I found a job closer to me and I wasn't going to school for what I really wanted to go for anyway. So I'm planning on going back to school online, IMMEDIATELY. Unfortunately, I can't go back until after January. My parents claimed me on their taxes last year so I can't get financial aid without their approval. Which sucks.

Now enough with telling me I need help and need to go to a therapist or something. I've gotten lots of advice and I'm going to take all of it to heart. I thank every single one of you for responding. !

 

Hi Restless. Now That sure triggers questions in me, but as you say, you've gotten lots of advice and are going to take it all to heart, and I look forward to hearing where, specifically, that takes you over the next few days and weeks.

Meanwhile PLEEEEEZE promise you'll share some of those pictures of nature that you love taking - ahhh perhaps Starting with a big picture of that beautiful flower you are in the process of blossoming into. Also pics by famous photograhers whom you like and *cough* any street-photography you might have done when you're out and about.

You'll find the appropriate threads at
http://www.thetfp.com/forums/tilted-art-photography-music-literature.21/#axzz1WVhjj9xb