Issues with new girl

Hey everyone. Been a member for a longtime, but don't post much.

This is going to seem silly to a lot of you, but here it goes.

I am a shy guy in public. Since my divorce, I have done all my dating online. Met some good girls, but no real spark. My experience level has gone up a lot too. I have figured out that I am the type of guy that does not ever want to hear about a girl's sexual past. I always know that they aren't virgins, but I don't want to know numbers or anything graphic. It conjures mental images that I would rather not picture.

Now to my point. I have been chatting with the best girl I have ever chatted with online. 27, smart, beautiful, and we think a lot alike. Somehow she steered the conversation to our pasts. I expressed that I would rather not know and just get to know the person as she is now. One of her next lines was that she has been with 40 people. Again, right after I said I don't want to know. She said she is a lay it all out on the table type of girl. Ok, fine. But in the back of my head I can't help but think bad things. She will always have had someone bigger, better, more satisfying than what I can give her. Suffice it to say I am intimidated and a bit jealous of all her experience. Then I also wonder since she does go out of town for business, can she be trusted or does she need variety?

I am really trying to be an open minded guy, but I can't help the thoughts that creep in. People always say let it go. Fine, but can you tell me how?

 

Hi Flatland Flyer

At the moment, you are not a 'seem silly', you are 'getting over' ignorance by working out valid questions, and dealing with the feelings which are making you ask them.
I intend no irony or slick humour as I directly answer your question, OK?

You asked: "People always say let it go. Fine, but can you tell me how?"
How? With difficulty. Let it go with difficulty.

For, if you had let it go easily, you'd have been missing out on clarifying questions which would be important, whoever you might form a deeper relationship with. It does not sound that you have yet gone out with her. At this early stage, she has given you enough information to let you know you have more questions to ask. Thank her. With gritted teeth, thank her.

Because "How to let it go " needs "Where to let it go TO", otherwise it is stuck. It was her information which gave you that direction. If she had not told you, she would have deprived you of that opportunity of asking.

And those initial questions you want answers to are, in your own words:
"Can she be trusted or does she need variety"

Those questions might not need to be answered in the same stroke. She may or may not need variety ... that's info for you to gather as you ask her: "Will you need variety?" The question "Can I Trust You" is not about variety or monogamy, but about sharing of information.

At the moment, she HAS laid it all out on the table, and probably knows full well that she's generated a possible trust issue. So far, though, she's demonstrated a 'not keeping cards close to her chest' kind of thing. At the moment, I reckon she's got at least one plus point on the trust ladder. And I'll reiterate: that's a different question from whether her sexual wishes will be compatible with your wanting to go out with her. She might be destined to be a Great Friend who you can trust to not lead you up any garden paths of future unpleasant surprises. My 'predictions' are NOT precise ... just attempts to build a positive picture which may accommodate different futures you may share. More directions and places "you can let it go to".


And not just all that. The two of you do have a great chance of learning to work many things out because you are BOTH 'lay it on the table' types. She to share content, and you to share preferences and questions. Both of you are assertive in your table-laying. You could not stop her from going on, and she could not stop you from challenging ... and challenge you did. You did not wait 10 months to say 'Look ... 'f'ing Shut Up . She did not wait 10 months to say 'I am so not a virgin'. And here on this forum, you, like she, have taken the risk of being Open .... what was it you said at the beginning of your post?

"This is going to seem silly to a lot of you, but here it goes"

Will, no it didn't, and here it went. Openness all round, all on the table, with proper difficulty, thoroughly, right at the Beginning.

If you have the capacity to imagine her with FORTY MEN .... Always Bigger and better and able to give her Something More Satisfying than You could give her .... then there is a career as a porn director waiting for you, as you stand back and see some paid strangers a million miles away, following the instructions of your ... imagination .... as with thorough difficulty .... now .... you Let It Go and you realise yourself here and now .... recognize yourself as He whom she is Choosing. And just imagine! Those 40 giants of the past can never crush you, for you are already standing on their backs, climbed past with she who would not allow them to ambush you in the future as the two of you climb further into the continuing light of your shared future.


Respect and take care, Flatland Flyer.

 

Glad to hear the online dating thing is working out for you, bro. It's a great tool for shy guys interested in actual relationships or guys that want to skip dating scene bullshit. I do miss messing around on OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. Perhaps I should start another "Fix My Dating Profile" thread.

So the whole sexual body count has got you feelin' down? Pretty typical problem. The idea that you're being relegated to a number and that many other "jumpers have stood in her door" is a little intimidating. I know how it is, bro. I'm half retarded, I don't even have a penis and I'm trying to measure up to the platoon-sized element of dudes that have already tickled her fancy and thrown their torpedo in her tube? Are you worrying yourself with the notion that it's impossible to please a woman that's run the cock gauntlet? How will you ever measure up in this popularity contest?

So much horseshit. Lemme tell you why:

Turns out people aren't pieces of meat with sexual odometers. Some folks have a larger number of sex partners because they engage in shorter term relationships (the guy that gets nervous before the move-in-together stage) or they have several fuckbuddies before they get back into a monogamous relationship (recently divorced woman with a kid who doesn't want a partner, just a good fuck). After my last relationship went all ker-SPLAT, I just wanted to take my emotional frustration out on the cervix of as many women as possible. So I did. It didn't help, but it certainly was a sick boost to the ego to put some miles on the smooth spot. Uh... yeaaah, so... anyway, my point here is that if you're worried about being inadequate because other men are more charming, smarter, better looking, have giant elephant dicks and bank accounts like Scrooge McDuck, you're never going to be comfortable in a relationship with anything other than a virgin. And virgins are just creepy. You have to believe that you offer something unique, whether in quality or quantity. Maybe your love of old black and white movies and ability to do a knockout Daffy Duck impression are what will win her over. She's not just a vagina and that means you're not just a cock 'n balls. People have an amazing array of wants and needs (weird ones, even) and sex isn't the only one. I've been with women that have had twice as many partners as me and I eventually came to realize that they just liked to fuck. It's okay as long as they wanna fuck you too, right? Maybe she'll totally rock your world, bro. People with more partners tend to be better in bed.

"Okay, Plan9... that's great and all... I just don't want her to talk about how many dudes have given her the shocker on a first date."

Indeed. That's a limits and boundaries thing. You did you part by saying you would rather she didn't bring that topic up. She wanted to say it for some reason or another. She's either bold or guilty or was just looking to push your buttons to see if you'd bail on her because the last guy she invested her time with did when he learned of her number. The number of sexual partners a person has had shouldn't be an indicator of their ability to be faithful. I'm not a statistician. And I'm divorced due to infidelity. If she's 25, has had 40 partners and has been sexual active since 15, that means shes been banging ~4 dudes a year since the first one got the green light. It's simple math but doesn't say a whole lot. She wants to be brutally honest up front, which is quite admirable, so as long as she respects your desire for it to not be brought up again, I think she might be worth hitting up again.

Ask yourself: If you were a total playa and had a sexual body count of 50, would this even be an issue for you?

Numbers by themselves mean nothing. As long as she can justify it and they were safe partners, who cares?

Well, you. But you'll get over it.

 

^ Honestly I wish you'd write a book, I'd buy it. You say the stuff I think for the most part (but never do, look at the wreck of my "love life" right?)

@FlatlandFlyer, He's right. You gotta stop having such a vivid porno scene imagination with her and 40 guys at once, or even in order, just I dunno, every girl I like is "sweet" and I still assume they screwed the football team, all of it, just because human nature is human nature and all one needs is an itch and some alone time and they'll find a reason to hump a doorknob that wandered too close to them. Guys and Girls alike don't always tell the true numbers anyways so... Maybe she just wants to give you a high number just so you know you've got a shot, since everyone else did. (low blow, I know) But hey, stop treating girls like innocent little virgins, assume the worst, get pleasantly surprised. It's like the reverse psychology of "underpromise & overdeliver"

 

Wow! All of that is really good advice. I actually expected to be called a pussy and just man up.

I know most of my issues stem from self-esteem. My divorce was amicable, but left me as a 29 year old that had had 1 sex partner, and she pursued me. Never had to learn how to date of pick-up women. Online is the shit for this shy when face-to-face kid. My number is 12 now in just 2 years, so I understand how #'s get high. Some were what I think of as good lovers, others were not and I just move on to the next. I just hope that she thinks the same way. However, she told me she is still friends with "a lot" of her ex's. This kinda scares me because then I can put a face to who fucked her and who she obviously still likes. That is why I don't want to know any of that shit. Do most men not get a jealous feeling from a situation like that? I have gleaned from our conversations that alcohol really lowers her inhibitions. She doesn't want to meet for a drink (that's my thing. Not so shy after a drink or two) because "she doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes she made at 21". Would most guys not get worried about her getting drunk with her friends (ex's too) and dropping her panties? Or am I just an old-fashioned stick in the mud?

 

Exes are generally exes for a reason. In her case, with a high-ish number and remaining friends with them, it's likely that she had a friendly connection with them and what they had in the bedroom wasn't necessarily her cup of tea, so they got friend zoned. I wouldn't worry about her getting with an ex unless she has alluded to hooking up with them, specifically.

However, the not meeting for drinks thing because she thinks she doesn't have self control? That's a little weird.

 

If she doesn't want to meet for drinks, that can go two ways... Either she likes you enough to want to grow the relationship before getting to that point, or she justisnt into you like that. Keep it positive

 

ICPdude said it right. just keep things positive. for all you know those last 40 were all worthless vienna sausages compared to the massive man-zucchini you're bringing to the table. in fact, im fucking sure of it. i hope you relationship lasts longer than Lindsey Lohan will continue going back in and out of rehab, and by the looks of it, you'll be fine.

 

Oh, man... I'm sorry, I'm not very cued up on clutch frat bro clowning opportunities. Which sucks because this right here would have been a golden one, amiright?

....

Disgusting, isn't it?

So you took all these women for a test drive and based your would-date-again on how good they were in bed after how many sessions? That's ruthless, bro. Impressive. J/K.

Again, she seems pretty reasonable with the this-is-me-all-up-front but it's hard to tell if it's because she's mature and got her shit together or because she's fucked up enough times to make it a disclaimer (Brutus caught her banging Juan Carlos last week). I'm assuming that she's like 25+ (just a number that popped into my head). If you can't control your alcohol at that age, you've got a problem and need to grow the hell up. I've had to walk out on women like that. Everybody likes alcohol but nobody likes a problem drinker.

If she's getting shitfaced with her former lovers (regardless of friend status), she needs to reassess where she is on the market. She's starting to sound like she's one of those "monogamy isn't for me" types that is just kidding herself because she enjoys the dating scene where she's getting one-on-one attention from nice guys and can work it like you're a cheap therapist. But maybe I'm just jaded.

I wouldn't say you're a stick in the mud. It's a valid concern. The we-used-to-fuck-but-now-we're-friends is way complicated. I forget the percentage (stats, hah!), but a good number of infidelity cases are people going back to former lovers. Makes sense. They're familiar and comfortable, inhibitions are lower around them anyway and the slippery slope of "I've already thrown it in you" is always hanging out. I'd still screw most of my exes.

...

I find it odd that you're worried about her "Dirty 40" when you've basically screwed more people per time period than she has assuming the previous math was close. Think about it: You're now one of the guys that some other dude is worried about for no reason. You're just "Dick #27" now, man.

If you've learned nothing else from dating and screwing a dozen new women, you now know how disposable people are.

We just throw 'em away and move to the next. It's a sad, lonely world. Good for the prostate, bad for the soul.

"In the rush to get into the pants, we often completely miss the person wearing them."

Fuck it.

/Henry Rollins or, er, uh... Toby Keith... Operation Ivy... something.

 

Its been said before here...but It sounds to me like she is either being honest or guilty. Personally I believe in sharing everything. Of course there is a time and place for these types of conversations. I prefer them to be on the topic we are currently discussing. I find that learning these things about my date helps me learn what drives her, how she's reacted to situations I may one day encounter with her, and most importantly her overall attitude on life.

As far as your confidence issue.. BEEN THERE!! You won't always be the biggest she has ever had. I'm an "average" sized guy, so I've had that insecurity before, so I feel ya. What I have found is that is MOST of the time I am more than she expected. I have certainly run into "size queens" or girls that are just hard to please.. it happens. It takes some time to not take it personally.

It really comes down to perspective. You can CHOOSE to look at it like "She's a whore" or "easy". However, you can also CHOOSE to think "shes experienced and good in bed"

My vote lands here: If you have a strong emotional connection, and at the very least get the job done moderately in the bedroom you'll be just fine!

 

I'm going to grab a part of an old blog entry for this, since I've written about this topic more times than I care to.

Anyhow, as a high-partner-count girl, anyone I consider dating (or even sleeping with), I do a very brief sum up of my sexual history. It serves multiple functions, but the important four...

1. They can determine their emotional and physical risk factor and make a fully informed decision.
2. I can determine whether or not the man I am speaking with is someone I want to bother dating. I will not waste my time with someone who cannot get over something I did when I didn't even know them.
3. It weeds out the guys with the Madonna/Whore complex like nobody's business.
4. It prevents them from being surprised, shocked, and feeling betrayed one they find out about all this stuff that means nothing to me but everything to them and then we both wind up heartbroken.

Really, as a general rule, she's either batshit insane and rubbing it all in your face and banging half the county or she's more like me and responsible and aware of her sexuality. Good luck in figuring it out.

 

I'll just leave this right here:

"Don't justify your complacency to me. That's not an adventure, that's a job."

 

the two options...

i personally think that there are many more different types of high-number-partner girls, but i'm not going to make a goddam pokedex of every single one. if its impopsicle to get over the fact that the number is in the 40's, then finding out why might give you some peace of mind

 

Of course you are not being silly you silly goose. If she is still friends with some of her former lovers, then to me it would imply she is quite adult in her relationships and almost certainly highly unlikely to be a bunny boiler. Maybe she thought, perhaps through learnt experience, then sometimes men are dumb enough to ask even though they dont really want to hear the answer, maybe its shocked someone into running away and comparing dicks at the urinal - who knows, maybe she thought if you want to use that as an excuse to run, then you might as well know now. Now I am not one to encourage spying - but take a peek under most ladies beds and you will not find a pile of those score cards like they hold up for gymnastics scoring etc. If a man is that boring, well, then a good wife would take the opportunity to knit him a jumper or darn his socks behind his back, not hold up score cards for an imaginary audience.
Enjoy your adventure.

 

I guess the thing that gets me about her is that, somehow, I have built her up in my head. Every girl I have met from online, I have gone in with an open mind. Just kinda go with the flow and see where it takes me. None have really sparked me. This girl has. We are looking for the same things in potential relationships, think a lot alike, and I think she is hot! It's like hitting the jackpot except for this one thing.

I am meeting her tomorrow. I hope we hit it off, but with no drinks I might be a shy, nervous wreck.

Anyway, I am glad to know I am not crazy and all of you have made very salient points. Especially Plan9.

 

Is this going to be your first meeting with her? I hope it goes very well for you both

 

Damn that's some loose pussy. J.k. kind of.

 

At the end of the day.. you can only be yourself..and you need a find a partner who makes you feel complete. No matter what your personal feeling are.. you wont be able to change emotional responses for ever. They will just come out in a different form later on down the relationship road.

My advice isn't worth anything.. but it is this..?

Just be yourself..be honest and see if she likes you for being you....

kiss

B

 

Seriously, brah? You didn't just say that.