Oh, BTW, I have a GF/BF. When should this be disclosed?

I had a fun time on Saturday night with my rugby girls dressed as a pregnant white trash girl...but that's not really relevant.

I want to discuss when you meet someone and you have a lovely conversation with them for the better part of two hours...and then eventually they tell you they have a GF.

When P and I first started our conversation it was jokes and getting to know you talk. He does play for the men's rugby team, so we were trying to get to know each other since our paths will cross many times. I was talking with his teammate too, trying to get to know him as well. Eventually the conversation turned to just P and I. I'm a sucker for a lock...(tall powerhouse with muscles.) It was getting flirtacious and he even admitted that he liked flirting with funny and smart girls. (I still don't know where he got the "smart" thing from.)

The bartender was calling last call. Many of you know that point in the night where people decide where they will be spending the rest of the evening. I didn't really want to go home with him, but I was looking forward to seeing him again. He just blurted out, "I have a girlfriend." He then went on this rant about how he wasn't really happy...blah blah blah. He also admitted that he had planned on going home MUCH earlier, but was having a lot of fun talking to me.

At the time I felt like he was leading me on, but after reflection, he was right when he said, "When is the right time to bring that up?" When IS the right time? Do you admit right away that you have a significant other and risk sounding presumptuous thinking that people only want to talk to you to get in your pants? Do you just throw in a story starting off, "My SO and I....." once you feel things are progressing to a point where you need to stop it?

 

The timing depends on a bunch of factors for me:

- How well you know the person
- How friendly you are
- What you talk about
- The nature of the relationship with the person
- Intentions of other person

When I know someone's trying to flirt in a normal, friendly conversation, I immediately let them know I'm off-limits.

Sometimes it comes up naturally when I start talking.

I talk a lot.

 

I'd choose Pre-flirt, as the best time, so you know it's not going anywhere.

 

As soon as you are talking to an individual of the same or opposite sex that you think might be attracted to you. Why? Makes life easier for everyone.

 

I would say after the bra is unclasped but before the panties are off.

 

As soon as you're reasonably sure that you'll be saving them time and effort to tell them.

 

I think this was the real reason he didn't come right out with it.

 

I've had this happen to me as well... lesson learned.... as early as possible....

 

Before "pickup artistry" was a big organized movement, "I'm in a relationship but it's not going well" was pretty much a code phrase for "I'm available but here's some evidence that I'm not completely repulsive to women."

 

Here, I've had this happen several times. Let me translate this set-up for you.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying that this was conscious or planned, nor am I saying that all men do this-- I'm just saying that this is a routine, whether conscious or not, and I experience it about a dozen times each year.

Establishing rapport, dangling the bait.

Shifting from friendly interaction (after rapport has been established) to testing the waters, which then turned to compliments and raised levels of flirtation.

This is a sales tactic. I can't remember the term for it, but it's basically dangling that bait, then having it yanked away to help force a decision. Waiting until external forces do this makes him less aggressive and more a "victim of circumstance."

So, while you're sitting there wondering about what you're going to do and how you want to see him, he gets guilty. Or fakes guilt. So you feel bad for his situation...

...which is just so awful because he's just not happy but he's trying to tough it out and be a good guy so he's not leaving her BUT MAYBE you are just so awesome and charming that it might be worth leaving her because he knows YOU have the capability of making him happy because YOU are so much better than she is and YOU can give him just a night of satisfaction and YOU can show him the true caring that he doesn't get with his current partner. Because you are that amazing and he's reaching out to you for this total connection you two seem to share.

Then he tried to turn it around on you by making you feel bad for him and feeling bad that you criticized his actions when he had just decided that because YOU are so awesome he just HAD to be honest because he really feels this connection and he doesn't want to be such a bad guy and lie to you because there's really something there and he really wants to see you again.

There shouldn't be a situation like this. He shouldn't be in a bar on a freaking Saturday night speaking and flirting with one chick for two hours. You know what normal guys do who aren't looking to cheat on their partner? They make sure to bring her up within a few minutes of conversation in a casual way, and they certainly don't flirt with intent, if they really flirt at all. In fact, the only guys I know in relationships that do flirt only do so when their partner is around because otherwise it's creepy and makes the girls they're talking with feel creeped out because they have been informed their conversation partner is taken.

If I were you, next time you see him, if he starts flirting with you again, tell him that you think he's a nice guy and all, but you really like the men in your life to take agency in their lives, so if he ever bothers stopping being a pussy and actually get himself out of this "so very unsatisfying relationship," he can look you up.

Also, for my own experience in talking with men at clubs when I'm in a relationship, I'll drop the "my boyfriend and I" line in some related story so they have the option of not laying themselves on the line and feeling all awkward later on in a flirty conversation when I "reveal" to them my relationship status.

If I could punch every man in the nose who tried to use this routine without consequence, I would. They're weak douches who either can't seduce a woman on their own merits or can't bring themselves to get out of a relationship that no longer makes them happy.

 

I'm not sure that it necessarily must be brought up by a certain point, but it also shouldn't be avoided. Many times, if someone has a significant other it comes up naturally in conversation. If it doesn't, then it should be mentioned at the first clear sign of further intent from the other party.

It's funny, when I read the thread title I thought of a similar and yet totally different scenario and a question for which I wish I knew the answer: When is the right time/What is the best way to bring up a significant other when it's not a dealbreaker (e.g. it's an open relationship). I often mention onodrim in conversation just because it's natural, but it pretty much guarantees that conversation never gets to that flirtatious point.

 

There, there.

I thought you're a masochist?

Masochists don't hit people!

You're a paradox to my brain.

 

Hon, you really need to meet more people and discuss sexuality with them. That's like thinking that submissives don't argue with people. Just because someone likes something in bed does not mean that their desires encompass their entire social identity.

 

As I was saying to WorldsKing and Speed_Gibson last night, I really need to find a way to bring across my sarcasm and half-hearted retardation through text.

 

I didn't want to post at first, because my opinion would have been on the negative side, but Poetry said it pretty well. Especially the thing, that it doesn't have to be planned from his side, but I would be careful though regarding his "unhappy" situation with the other.

This brings to my mind a long list of humorous pickup putdowns. In one of them the guy tells a woman, he just met, he could leave his girlfriend for her. The woman says: "But I don't want your girlfriend."

 

Sitting in a bar for two hours having a flirtatious conversation with another woman? That shit needs to be brought up within the first 1/2 hour, at the most.
And I tend to agree with poetry. Doesn't smell right.

 

I found the best time to inform the other party is after they have their shoes on and they're walking out the door the next morning.

Makes their walk of shame more enjoyable.

 

That's sweet. I AM awesome!

In his defense (sigh) he came to our game and then went out to the bar with us in support of the women's team. This is more than I could say about the men's team back in Ohio. I doubt he was out trying to pick up women...but what do I know?

We're in the same social circle. We'll see each other again.

 

Yes, because a guy never goes out with a women-only group in the hope of picking one of the singles up at some point between drinking and going to bed.

*puts sarcastic face disclaimer here to avoid the same confusion crap that happened with Lindy and Poetry*