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Relationship Concerns

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by RedSneaker, Aug 15, 2011.

  1. RedSneaker

    RedSneaker Very Tilted

    I'm engaged to be married (this would be both of ours second marriage) to someone I knew in highschool. We are both in our early 30's, no kids, etc.

    He has some habits that he knows I don't care for - things that I believe should have been left in our 20's. I find that when he is engaging in these habits, I am left to fend for myself - as he becomes withdrawn and emotionally/physically unavailable. For example, we were home this weekend, but I felt completely alone. He says that he will quit, and he knows he needs to be more responsible and help around the house - but those are words I hear every time, and never see action on.

    This is becoming a problem for me because I do not feel I have a partner in life. When he is not engaging in his recreational activities, he is working or sleeping or reading/chatting on a car forum. He no longer contributes more than a paycheck to the household. I get no assistance in cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of the animals, nothing.

    Am I justified in being upset, or is this just the way the world is? Should I just be happy and content to take care of another human being, and expect nothing in return? I seem to think that kind of sacrifice should be left for raising babies, which, at this point, I really don't want to do because I fear I will end up doing it alone.

    How do I communicate my needs to him without being a "bitch, nag or psycho"? I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here, but want to give it my all before moving on.

    I don't share this kind of stuff with friends or family, because I know frome experience that never works out well.

    Advice? Thoughts? Anything?
     
  2. Poetry

    Poetry Totally Sharky, Complete

    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Ditch him. Marrying him would be telling him his behavior is acceptable and allowed, of which it is neither.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  3. issmmm

    issmmm Getting Tilted

    The words I hate most in all the world are or else, in fact as much as I try to resist, when someone tells me or else I have to do the opposite of what they want.

    But if this means as much as it sounds like it does, sit him down and let him know what you've said here. Let him know you love him but if you can't get some of that love back that you can't marry him, then don't

    You may ditch him in the long run but give him a chance to correct himself first
     
  4. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    Curb, curb, curb-curb...

    No, seriously... you need to bring this up with the idea that it will involve somebody putting their clothes in a trash bag and finding a hotel room.
     
  5. the_jazz

    the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

    Yes, you're right to be upset. You're being taken for granted. You're not necessarily doomed to a failed relationship, but it's the most likely outcome if you confront him about it. Maybe he'll change his tune - and it's even possible that it will be a permanent change. It kind of depends on what he wants from you; if he's only after someone to cook and clean for him, you're better off splitting now. If he wants someone to more than a mother-figure that he occassionally fucks, he's going to have to treat you better.
     
  6. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    ...so is he a pothead or a porn freak? The relationship-shittin'-on habits of those in their 20s could be nearly anything. Gambling? Comic books?

    I mean, I (and we, the forum) can't really give useful advice for "Generic Bad Habit" other than TFP Universal Life Solvent #1: Communication. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it but it's a pretty anonymous environment here and you get back what you put into any type of problem-solving discussion. TFP is a really diverse group and everybody here has been through something pretty horrible at one point or another, especially in the relationship department. I know that doesn't help you in your situation, but do know that you're not all alone out there (or here on TFP).
     
  7. RedSneaker

    RedSneaker Very Tilted

    Plan - it's Cocaine.

    And after cleaning the entire house yesterday, I wake up to dirty clothes and hangersin the floor of the bathroom and cats that are starving. It's barely 9am and I'm already annoyed.
     
  8. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    ...and that detail changes the urgency of everything.

    Cocaine is a helluva drug.

    As such, the use of hard drugs is going to destroy not only him, but you and your kids / house / whatever else.

    You need to get out of that relationship immediately after forming a smooth escape plan that moves your assets / kids / property with minimal interaction / knowledge on his part. At no point should you attempt to reevaluate his significance in your life. He isn't a person, he's a drug addict.
     
  9. RedSneaker

    RedSneaker Very Tilted

    Well, we have no kids, so it's just me. But I am terrified, as his mood is volatile. I find myself shutting down emotionally so that we don't have to communicate and spend most nights sleeping on the couch. I don't think he would physically hurt me, but verbal/emotional hurt is to be expected at this point.

    I'm pissed because when we got together he lied and said he didn't do any sort of drug anymore, but later into the relationship I find out all sorts of sordid details about his past that seem to be slightly resurfacing - while not at the same degree as they were - enough to make me question what the fuck I am going to do.

    Can he get clean and things go back to normal? I don't know. Does he even want to? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not getting any younger and my tolerance for BS is way low. I feel like I got tricked and that angers me.

    How does one form a smooth escape plan when he is the one living in my home? This is where I get stuck because I am so ashamed to admit to friends and family what has been going on. I have no one to call on. No allies to speak of.
     
  10. the_jazz

    the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

    You do have allies. You just don't want to let them know you need help.

    Look, you're not the problem here. He is. And you're pretty obviously already enabling him - the fact that you referred to his coke habit as a "something that should have been left in our 20's" speaks volumes about the excuses you're making for him. Those excuses are carrying over to your reluctance to admit to your friends and family the realities of your relationship.

    If you're done with him, then you need to tell him. If it helps, have a trusted friend - who's in on the details - in the room when it happens. If you want to salvage the relationship, you need to let him know. The problem that I foresee, though, is the level of his addiction. Maybe he's not an addict. If he's not, then maybe he'll realize what's he's doing to himself and you and make the change. But from what you've said, I have my doubts.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  11. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    ...

    It's cocaine. Nobody uses that shit in moderation. This isn't the 1980s; it isn't a fad drug anymore.
     
  12. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    This.

    Make a list for yourself. A real list, on paper, with two columns. On the left write down the positive things about your relationship, and what he contributes to your happiness. On the right side write down the negative things about your relationship, and the anxieties and stresses specifically caused by him. If the columns are entirely lopsided, the answer is clear. If the columns are pretty close, then sit him down and have a frank conversation with him, maybe even showing him the lists. Ask him what he's willing to commit to immediately to help contribute to the happiness and healthiness of the relationship.
     
  13. the_jazz

    the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

    Plan9, I know, I know. But there's a small chance that he's not physically addicted. It's within the realm of possibilities, and it's the more hopeful option.
     
  14. RedSneaker

    RedSneaker Very Tilted

    I would like to salvage the relationship, if possible. I'm not trying to excuse his coke habit as something that isn't a big deal, I was merely trying to not have to get into the nitty gritty details as to how bad it actually is.

    My reluctance in saying anything to family is that I know that even if he went to rehab and got himself sober, they would never see him the same way. It would ruin anything.

    As far as his family - from what he's told me, they are aware of his past. They don't, however, know he is back doing the same kinds of things. I've seriously thought about having a heart to heart with his mother, but in my mind it feels like betrayal.

    I don't know much about coke, so I don't know how to answer regarding his level of addiction. This past week was the worst - 4 nights. Before this week it might be one night a week, or he might spread it out and do 1 night every couple of weeks. Not having been around this before, I'm not sure how to gauge that on a scale of low to high addition.

    I don't want to make excuses for him - I want him to get clean, get healthy and become a more productive member of society. I just need help in expressing that to him in a way that he can hear it as me speaking from a place of love, rather than judgment. If he has to do this on his own, I respect that. And despite what Plan says, he is a human being and I feel that I have some responsibility to at least bring this to his attention before throwing him and the relationship down the toilet. Does that make sense?
     
  15. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    Why are you trying to salvage the relationship? He clearly doesn't care about it. You're an appliance with sex organs to him, right?

    And he's doing cocaine. He's obviously not worried about his image. It's 2011. Hard drugs have largely lost their glamorous image.

    Abuse victims often fail to recognize that their negative situation is mostly the fault of the other party. Don't prop him up like that.

    You want him to do all these things for you, but he's gotta want to do them for himself. Just like you need to take care of yourself.

    This guy needs help that you can't provide. You can give him a wake up call by confronting him and moving on. He might not care.
     
  16. RedSneaker

    RedSneaker Very Tilted

    Jazz-

    How does one ascertain that he's not physically addicted? The fact that he can go weeks without it? The fact that he doesn't have to have it every day? I know Plan9 has a cut and dry approach to this situation, and I can appreciate that. But I want to make sure I am absolutely certain that I have all the facts in place before I blow this wide open. There will be no going back from this.
     
  17. PonyPotato

    PonyPotato Very Tilted

    Location:
    Columbus, OH
    I want to echo what everyone else has said - he is not worth keeping in your life. You have a cocaine user living in your home, and you are not only allowing him a "safe" place to use, you are also a bit afraid of him. By trying to salvage the relationship as is, you are enabling him and allowing illegal activity to occur in your home, putting yourself at risk.

    You need to open up to a friend or two you can trust, have them be there to help when you have this discussion with him. And, in reality, it needs not to be a discussion - it needs to be an ultimatum. Get out and get clean and MAYBE have a chance later, or just get the fuck out. Either way, he needs to be out of your home and your life until he can prove that he has gotten his act together and is willing to step up to the plate as a real partner again. This is NOT a man you want to marry.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  18. RedSneaker

    RedSneaker Very Tilted

    I hear what everyone is saying. And I pretty much expected this response. However, I can't lie. It makes me sad that it has gotten to this point and I hate that I have enabled him to do this in my home.

    I am going to talk to him tonight and let him know that this is not acceptable behavior, and that my life is also suffering from his actions and lack thereof. He's got to get clean, now, and begin acting like a mature adult, taking care of his responsibilities. If he agrees, he can stay, under the condition that he doesn't backslide. One more slip up and I will call his parents, give him the heads up and have them come get him and his things.

    I've done some stupid things in my life, I know this. Nobody is perfect. But I have cleaned myself up and begun living a healthy, clean lifestyle because I know it's the right thing to do. I want a family, and a good life and I don't think you can have those things with drugs interfering.
     
  19. Plan9

    Plan9 Rock 'n Roll

    Location:
    Earth
    This isn't a second chance situation. "One more slip-up" turns into what? Yet another chance. You need to be bark and bite up front, not just bark.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  20. Xazy Vertical

    If he does not help with the cooking it is easy, eat a very late lunch and do not cook. When he is hungry he will have to cook.

    What you really need to do is communicate and work on a division of labor. If you are unable to work that out then you really need to re-consider. You will continue to resent him if he makes you do everything in the house. A marraige does not mean that you both have to cook exactly the same amount do the exact same amount of laundry etc... But you still need to be able to communicate, support each other, and compromise. It is an unhealthy relationship if it is only one sided.