Rumination, its trite.

TFP has been good to me in the past, whether Ive been an ass or not. Im sometimes reticent to declare myself and Ive at times used this forum for some self-exploration, some together feeliness and like thinking, or not, and to expose myself. All fun scary junk. Sometimes Ive been creamed when I havent expected it, and with hindsight its usually when Ive made an ass out of myself. Ill try a post again and see how it goes. Please be gentle, Ill get it eventually.

The past is gone. I am not who I was 5 years ago. I am no longer as willing to be as politically correct. I am more willing to show who I am, and believe that people will like me anyway, and its proved to be true. Im wilder and more creative, and I like it. I have exposed myself to more situations, different people, and have traveled some. I feel okay about myself and relieved I can be at least somewhat likeable and fit in most anywhere. Its trite, but Ive grown through exposure to other people, and Im thankful. Whatever.

There is also some confusion because I realize I can hardly focus on reading a book and I havent done a crossword in a long time. I sometimes hardly recognize myself Ive changed so much. This sometimes keeps me up at night, ruminating about the usefulness of being mindful and all the other fixits out there, and Ive become quite mindful of ruminating. I can do it on a moments notice if its one my favorite groovy gems. Ive taken to OTC sleep meds these days to knock it off and me out. Anyway, Im having trouble being mindful. What with the rumination and the sleep meds I think Im losing focus on the day-to-day,

Do you ruminate? What about? And how the fuck do you stop?!

 

I am the dumbass I was every day. If you believe that time is linear and that you couldn't have ended up where you were without being the fuck-up you were, you value the past and realize that it is not gone, but carried on your shoulders, regenerated every seven years like your face. To make judgments in the present is to recall the past. It seems like a lot of I-did-too-much-acid middle class white person zen shit but nature has a physical way of reminding us of these things: they're called scars.

 

"The new Lufthansa tagline, "Nonstop You," seems to encapsulate the full horror and nausea of human consciousness."

Elif Batuman tweeted that a few months ago and it's stuck with me ever since. Some of us are just wired to ruminate. I've got a mixtape of awful memories I regularly revisit. Now and again I'll snap out of it, get out of my head by doing something or being around people but usually I stay there and ride it out. It can be a lot like picking scabs but it's certainly not the result of being mindless. Cut yourself some slack, it's compulsive and awful but likely also a part of a sensitivity that makes you kind and thoughtful to others. I know it tests the patience of those around me but I like to think that when all is said and done, they receive in return what they've paid for.

 

Hey! I like this viewpoint!