thoughts on the love triangle

i don't know why, but recently i've been thinking about the love of my life a lot in spite of not speaking to her in about 15 years. in a nutshell, she was betrayed by a previous bf, we got together for about a year, said ex re-entered the picture, and after a big mess she ended up with him.

even though it tore me apart at the time, i still think about her all the time. in spite of it being a huge ego blow, she taught me what i think of as a golden standard in terms of what i want from a partner and i hope someday to find a similar if not identical connection with someone new.

anyway after having had this on my mind a couple weeks now, i thought i'd reach out for some stories and perspectives from anyone else who's been unlucky enough to have to compete for someone else or have to choose between 2 others competing for them.

 

I think in your mind you have drawn her out to be this perfect, golden standard of what a woman should be. In reality, she's probably like many of the other women, and not nearly as perfect as you imagined.

I've been in this situation a couple of times. Girl comes after me, I fell in love with her, another guy enters picture and she rides off with HIM in to the sunset. "Woe is me and she's so perfect."

However, years down the road, I look them up again on Facebook and I think..."what the hell was I thinking. She was just 'alright' at best."

Do I miss them? Yea, sometimes. Do I think they're perfect? No. Definitely not. I just probably never had the chance to see their flaws before they ran off with another guy.

 

My life in love has deceived me. People confuse me. I was involved in a love-triangle of sorts for decades, & then again. There are no perfect golden standards. Please be content. Realize that everyone who's competing for you is less important than who you're competing for.

 

thanks for the advice there kir... believe me though, i am not putting this woman on a pedestal. if i were i'd have already been trying to get her back years ago.. i value myself enough to know better. i've forgiven her part in breaking my heart at the time but i'm in no hurry to ever re-visit that. you could say my golden rule before any others including in simple frienships is to avoid triangles since then.

i started this thread not with the intention of aid in carrying on with my life, but more of an idea to hear other people's experiences going through something similar or perhaps on the other side of the pyramid and what they went through when they had to choose between 2 people they loved very differently but very much just the same. and maybe to hear a little bit on the aftermath and how it changed their outlook or approach on their following relationships.

 

Love and competition are opposites.

 

I must agree with Phi Eyed. Love is cooperation. The more parties get involved, the less chances of having understanding. The green-eyed monster will always rear its ugly head in due course. It's a primary reason for murder, you know. I feel pretty safe since I was expelled from an ownership situation.

 

Competition is for athletes. Any time I've felt that it was him or me, I said go with him. I don't need the headaches. I do miss a certain girl who was conflicted, between me and an ex. I got out of the way, and she eventually found another guy, who she later married. Maybe it was a love square...

 

It's normal to look backwards with rose-coloured glasses. We are designed to feel pain less over time, and to remember the good things better than the bad. It has a survival benefit. It's a form of the "grass is always greener" syndrome. It's fine to have pleasant memories, but there is definitely some truth to the "you can't go home again" adage after you've moved on.

3 clichés in one post. A record for me

 

It may be a little over share with a bunch of people Im not quite sure about yet but i have a story of such.

I was "said" girl. (well not exact but in a scenario of who is who in a love triangle) I was the woman caught in the middle.

It all occured when i was younger, I broke up with my first love because i guess i grew up or something fell out of love i guess you could say, I was with this other guy for a year but then after a huge mess i ended up back with my ex. two years after that i realised i made the biggest mistake of my life and ended it once and for all with my ex, I thought about the one whose heart I broke a lot after that and beleived i had no right in saying anything to him and letting him live his life.

To this day (and its been almost 10 years) I still think of the one whose heart i broke and wonder if he ever really forgave me for what i did to him.
I guess karma is a bitch too I have (perhaps purposely) remained single for the last 3 years. and not a day goes by i dont regret the decision i made.

 

It's ok to not be sure. Obviously the second guy was not the one for you. As long as you broke it off with him, before going back to your ex, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Even then, given time, he will get over it, and so should you.

This love thing isn't always easy

 

thank you for your story and this. i think it's what i was looking to hear. erroneous semantics aside, i can tell you that although it took longer than i would have liked, i most definitely have forgiven her and would like to think maybe we can re-connect someday since we're on a different chapter of our lives now.​

i've had some intense life lessons on loss the last 2 years, and they've steered me in the "life's too short" direction of not holding back if there's someone i care about and would like to hear their story and be there for them if i possibly could. maybe that's whats stirring my pot on these memories.
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No problem

Im sure she feels the same, perhaps she thinks of you more than you realise. I hope you manage to get to see her again

 

I've never stayed in a love triangle for more than 5 minutes. Could never see the point in pursuing someone who was dithering between me and someone else. I feel for you, highjinx but there's a seat for every ass. You were obviously the wrong seat for hers, at least then.

If you decide to contact her, give it your best shot. If she's at all hesitant about re-connecting, move on. Find the person who considers you the gold standard.

 

There's the golden answer.

I've had to choose before. Only time I saw a marine cry.

 

Bullshit. How many of us have an unrequited love? Have loved and lost?

How many of us have fallen out of love with our thoroughly enamored partners?

Love is a personal thing. It manifests itself in our soul. It's crazy and illogical and lingering.

Love does not connect. Love does not fortify. It is the motivation for those things but not the thing itself.

Did you call him a pussy?

 

It's one thing to be able to forgive others, sometimes it's even harder to forgive yourself. But you have to learn how to if you ever want to move on.

We make the choices we make, best we can ever do is learn from them.

 

Sorry, I didn't have time to finish the post. The pup decided to try ingesting my house, and I had to run.

Highjinx, you said you are looking for triangle stories, so I'll just give one point with my story and not pile on the advice. Interesting that your "gold standard" of a connection is based on someone who would leave you for an ex after a year has passed. Do you still think that connection was two sided? I think our current needs/desires can greatly influence how we remember a past relationship, and reality can get skewed. That's my experience, anyway.

No, Plan9 I didn't call him a pussy. I do now, but not then. We broke up over what I called miscommunication, mostly on his part. Ran into him at a friend's house a long while later. Talked a little, cleared the air. I thought we could be friends or friendly acquaintances. He thought we could get back together. Sorry dude, I'm already marrying someone else. That's when he cried. I felt bad, but I had moved on.

After a bad divorce, I moved backwards. I started idolizing the previous relationship with said Marine. I dated other people, but often found myself comparing them to Marine. Eight years after I chose someone else, I once again ran into Marine. We talked, we laughed, and we did get back together ... briefly. We were sipping coffee in his kitchen, discussing roomie's newly ex-girlfriend. Marine was telling roomie, " don't get back with her ... you can't even be just friends with her ... just kick her to the curb." After roomie left, Marine called roomie's ex, strongly encouraging her to fight for her man. WTF? Tell him to kick her to the curb, then tell her to fight for her man? Then sit back and watch the fireworks? Who does that? I didn't have much chance to ask him because a visitor showed up ... his girlfriend that he forgot to mention! Apparently, she had been out of town (vacation?) And I had unknowingly become "the other woman." A 'nuther type of ugliness ensued, including a flat tire on my car.

So did he change that much, did I just not see it before, or did I block it out while idolizing our past relationship? I think all of the above, but I don't dwell on it. I've moved on.

 

I love Plan9. He has yet to accept this. No polygons for us, I guess.

 

Way back in the stone(d) age, I was a non-committed young man dating three women. Things evolved and I broke things off with two of them. 32 years later, one of the women has contacted me with flattering comments and hints that she still has strong feelings for me. I messaged her back, saying I'm happy with my life and family situation. She sent me another message and a facebook friend request, both of which I've decided to totally ignore. I remember her as being a nice person, and I wish her well. I hope she takes the hint and leaves me alone, though. I love my sweet QW (happy birthday, baby!) and won't let anything or anyone come between us.

That's my love triangle experience. Your result may vary.