How do you move on and recover?

First things first, forgive me if this is in the wrong place. However it is about life, so I think it fits.



Having said that...

How do you move on from the loss of a long term relationship? How do you start over?



I'm sure some context would help, so bear with me.



This all started about two years ago now. A very long term best friend started getting excited about her job and the very real chance of a promotion and possible fully company funded relocation. I was thrilled for her, because it was going to be an amazing opportunity for her personally and professionally. We both rode the excitement high for a while until her company started dragging their feet on things. There were some very legitimate reasons, and many really crappy ones. Needless to say the initial promised date came and went and no relocation. Turns out not only was her boss inept, but so was the HR department. Meanwhile, while all this is going on her attitude and general demeanor deteriorated. This was someone that I could share anything and everything with, and she did the same with me. The way I described the friendship to others they not so jokingly told me that it was like we were married, or at least in a long term committed romantic relationship. Looking back on it, in a way we were. I've never had a relationship, friend or otherwise last as long as this one had. Nearly thirteen years, still blows me mind to think about it to be honest.
Anyway, as the weeks and then months passed I could feel the chasm between us getting wider and wider. I stopped sharing things from my life because she would make light of them, or basically tell me to suck it up and stop complaining. While it might have been complaining, I just wanted someone to talk to, someone willing to listen to me get things out of my head and maybe even offer advice. Instead anything going on in my life was marginalized and pushed as far back as possible. Everything became about her. All along I did my best to try and remind her that the promised relocation was not a sure thing, even though she was positive it was (all because someone verbally told her it was going to happen.) I tried to as gently as possible tell her that while she should be excited, she shouldn't put all her hopes into it. I'm sure you can guess that she flatly ignored my advice and did just that.

Fast forward to almost six months ago and word came down that due to budget issues and a few other "technical snags" the relocation was going to be put off indefinitely. Naturally she was crushed. Hell I was crushed for her as well. However by this point the treatment I'd received for her had left me...well numb to it. I wasn't as kind as I perhaps should have been when I expressed my disappointment at the loss of the opportunity. I wasn't mean, don't misunderstand. In fact I've spent more than a little time thinking about it since then and I realize that no matter what I had said, it would have been wrong. She was so distraught and frankly broken by the denial that she wasn't thinking straight, wasn't willing to hear anything from anyone.

Then she ghosts me. She knew how I felt about that, but did it anyway. To have someone you've spent literally (not figuratively) hours every day for the last thirteen years talking to in on form or another disappear on you...well I hope no of you have felt that, or will feel that. Anyway, about a month after the disappearing act I get an email from her. She "misses" our conversations and "has a bunch of memes to share." I had to read the email three times because there was no explanation, no apology for walking away. To say I was stunned was an understatement. So I respond telling her that friends don't treat each other the way she treated me, that I was deeply hurt by her actions and that she owed me a proper apology. I talked about selfishness and a few other things as well. The response was...well it was amazing. she completely discarded everything I had laid out, and turned the whole situation into a personal issue, made everything about her and how it affected her. Then ended the email with what amounted to an ultimatum.
I might not have been of much higher ground than her, but I hadn't been a complete and utter asshole for the past nine months at least. I tried my best to be a supportive friend and be there for her when a lot of crap happened around her in her life. Then the moment I don't say whatever it is she needed to hear at the moment she tosses me away? Then she expects me to come back because she has memes to share? Obviously she didn't know me like I thought she did.



And that's where it was left. I still find myself coming across a funny link and automatically going to start sending it to her before I catch myself. I'm still reminded of our inside jokes nearly daily. I'm not a very emotional person, and the last five months have been hell for me. The worst thing is, that I've legitimately forgotten how to make friends. I don't even know where to go or how to talk to people. I feel like I'm that one person in the room who's shouting at the top of his lungs and no one hears. Feeling isolated in a crowded room is one terrible feeling.



I've been debating about making this post of a long time now, and I finally decided to make it. I'm not sure what to expect, and by all means don't hold back. If you think I was a jerk and in the wrong, say so. However I've been reminded that it's OK to end a toxic relationship, no matter how much you care for the person. Toxic is toxic and no one deserves that.



So yeah. That's my story, that's the hell I've been living the last few months and I'm curious about what you guys think. I'm also curious how you guys move on, how do you start over, and where do you even begin?

 

Time heals even the deepest wounds, but it takes time.

 

I know that time heals these types of wounds. I guess my problem with it is that feeling this way is something completely new to me.

Like I said, I've never had a friendship last as long as this one had...not to mention a romantic one. Given how close the two (perhaps we weren't as close as I thought...) were, these feelings and added depression are quite overwhelming. It's hard to put into words, and I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this. But when you have no other friends to talk to, to help you in any small way...well it just seems to multiply the loss and the subsequent loneliness.

 

Yes it’s true time heals all wounds but with that said one day when you least expect it you’ll see that special someone and it will all come back or you’ll see something or hear something that reminds you of them and your head and heart will be filled with those feelings again.

 

this for the win........

time..

 

Cynthetiq, that’s quite profound. Thank you for that.

 

I went through what I thought was the hardest break up when I was newly 25 after being with a serious boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry for four years. He was emotionally abusive, manipulative and took advantage of me more times than I care to admit. I was ashamed of myself for staying as long as I did looking back. A real narcissist (a phase I use carefully) and now I can spot one a mile out.

I was so entwined with his family it made leaving very hard - especially after we moved in together. One day when we were due to drive to Florida to meet up with my family (on the rare occasion he would even see them) he bailed on me. Left me to drive by myself and go on the trip. The drive was 10 hours and I did a lot of thinking and soul searching on the I-10. Decided I was going to end it when I got home and I did.

He could not believe I was leaving him. Every emotion, lots of pain and it was hard. I had just had enough of it all - the drama, theatrics and the games coupled with false promises. Leaving his family was worse than leaving him - they were the best part of the relationship. I felt like I was taking an axe willingly and hacking my life apart. I also know in my heart it was the best decision I could have made to change my life for the better.

I moved back to Atlanta and my parents supported me through the difficult time. The one time I remember my mother saying 'I know it was hard, but I sure am proud of you' after a serious event in my life. Shortly thereafter I made the hop to the UK for my Master's degree and did a complete reset on myself and went back to my core love of art, history and seeing new places I'd been denied over the course of my past relationship. Went to the theater, immersed myself in culture and everything and found the person I was before. Decided the relationship wouldn't define me.

I also thought to myself in the clarity of my new single state, if I could survive that ending of a relationship - I could survive any other end of one and have chosen to live my life with that mentality. (Of course, I don't want my marriage to end - not at all - just to be explicit!) Being hurt and in pain from the death of a relationship is ok for a period, but it's not living in that period of sadness too long I strove to keep control of during my grieving. I am not codependent as I was in my younger years, looking for the love in a boyfriend I had yearned for and missed as a child with my own parents. I would completely change my life for a man before I gained the self-confidence and security to be fine with the person I had become.

Then, when I wasn't looking I met my now-husband who couldn't wait to commit to me and in his words said 'I need to get you off the market' after proposing. Someone highly intelligent, interesting, gone through his own ups and downs of course, but also funny, kind and a genuinely good person and wanted a family.

I want my girls to not feel the need for a man/SO in their life...trying hard as a parent now to give them the love and nurturing I felt I did not get enough of which drove much of my adolescent/youth behaviour in relationships. It's something I've tried to reflect on and really grasp in order to bend my parenting style to accomplish.

Long story but it's one I've tried hard to reflect on and take some meaningful lessons from.

 

One thing to add to @cynthetiq's insights here for the good of the order, speaking from experience (as one must):

This process, much like grieving any loss, does not necessarily happen in a linear way. You may be moving along a steady trajectory of spending less and less time thinking about it, her, the past, your memories, etc., and it all starts to fade more and more. Then one day out of the blue, it all might involuntarily come flooding back at you, sparked by some random association—a dream, a sound or smell, whatever—and it will probably catch you off guard to some extent.

So brace yourself, but also be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel as much as you need. Stick it through, and stay occupied with things to keep your mind active and distracted as best you can. You'll get there.