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How do you move on and recover?

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by Ice|Burn, Apr 2, 2018.

  1. Ice|Burn

    Ice|Burn Getting Tilted

    First things first, forgive me if this is in the wrong place. However it is about life, so I think it fits.



    Having said that...

    How do you move on from the loss of a long term relationship? How do you start over?



    I'm sure some context would help, so bear with me.



    This all started about two years ago now. A very long term best friend started getting excited about her job and the very real chance of a promotion and possible fully company funded relocation. I was thrilled for her, because it was going to be an amazing opportunity for her personally and professionally. We both rode the excitement high for a while until her company started dragging their feet on things. There were some very legitimate reasons, and many really crappy ones. Needless to say the initial promised date came and went and no relocation. Turns out not only was her boss inept, but so was the HR department. Meanwhile, while all this is going on her attitude and general demeanor deteriorated. This was someone that I could share anything and everything with, and she did the same with me. The way I described the friendship to others they not so jokingly told me that it was like we were married, or at least in a long term committed romantic relationship. Looking back on it, in a way we were. I've never had a relationship, friend or otherwise last as long as this one had. Nearly thirteen years, still blows me mind to think about it to be honest.
    Anyway, as the weeks and then months passed I could feel the chasm between us getting wider and wider. I stopped sharing things from my life because she would make light of them, or basically tell me to suck it up and stop complaining. While it might have been complaining, I just wanted someone to talk to, someone willing to listen to me get things out of my head and maybe even offer advice. Instead anything going on in my life was marginalized and pushed as far back as possible. Everything became about her. All along I did my best to try and remind her that the promised relocation was not a sure thing, even though she was positive it was (all because someone verbally told her it was going to happen.) I tried to as gently as possible tell her that while she should be excited, she shouldn't put all her hopes into it. I'm sure you can guess that she flatly ignored my advice and did just that.

    Fast forward to almost six months ago and word came down that due to budget issues and a few other "technical snags" the relocation was going to be put off indefinitely. Naturally she was crushed. Hell I was crushed for her as well. However by this point the treatment I'd received for her had left me...well numb to it. I wasn't as kind as I perhaps should have been when I expressed my disappointment at the loss of the opportunity. I wasn't mean, don't misunderstand. In fact I've spent more than a little time thinking about it since then and I realize that no matter what I had said, it would have been wrong. She was so distraught and frankly broken by the denial that she wasn't thinking straight, wasn't willing to hear anything from anyone.

    Then she ghosts me. She knew how I felt about that, but did it anyway. To have someone you've spent literally (not figuratively) hours every day for the last thirteen years talking to in on form or another disappear on you...well I hope no of you have felt that, or will feel that. Anyway, about a month after the disappearing act I get an email from her. She "misses" our conversations and "has a bunch of memes to share." I had to read the email three times because there was no explanation, no apology for walking away. To say I was stunned was an understatement. So I respond telling her that friends don't treat each other the way she treated me, that I was deeply hurt by her actions and that she owed me a proper apology. I talked about selfishness and a few other things as well. The response was...well it was amazing. she completely discarded everything I had laid out, and turned the whole situation into a personal issue, made everything about her and how it affected her. Then ended the email with what amounted to an ultimatum.
    I might not have been of much higher ground than her, but I hadn't been a complete and utter asshole for the past nine months at least. I tried my best to be a supportive friend and be there for her when a lot of crap happened around her in her life. Then the moment I don't say whatever it is she needed to hear at the moment she tosses me away? Then she expects me to come back because she has memes to share? Obviously she didn't know me like I thought she did.



    And that's where it was left. I still find myself coming across a funny link and automatically going to start sending it to her before I catch myself. I'm still reminded of our inside jokes nearly daily. I'm not a very emotional person, and the last five months have been hell for me. The worst thing is, that I've legitimately forgotten how to make friends. I don't even know where to go or how to talk to people. I feel like I'm that one person in the room who's shouting at the top of his lungs and no one hears. Feeling isolated in a crowded room is one terrible feeling.



    I've been debating about making this post of a long time now, and I finally decided to make it. I'm not sure what to expect, and by all means don't hold back. If you think I was a jerk and in the wrong, say so. However I've been reminded that it's OK to end a toxic relationship, no matter how much you care for the person. Toxic is toxic and no one deserves that.



    So yeah. That's my story, that's the hell I've been living the last few months and I'm curious about what you guys think. I'm also curious how you guys move on, how do you start over, and where do you even begin?
     
  2. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there! Donor

    Time heals even the deepest wounds, but it takes time.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    Yep
    You get up
    You do something, anything
    You do a bit more (not force...but it progresses anturally)
    It fades a bit, with some spikes of emotion
    Sooner or later the emotional spikes drop off
    It fades more...
    And so on

    Just live your life.
    Because it's your life.
     
  4. Ice|Burn

    Ice|Burn Getting Tilted

    I know that time heals these types of wounds. I guess my problem with it is that feeling this way is something completely new to me.

    Like I said, I've never had a friendship last as long as this one had...not to mention a romantic one. Given how close the two (perhaps we weren't as close as I thought...) were, these feelings and added depression are quite overwhelming. It's hard to put into words, and I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this. But when you have no other friends to talk to, to help you in any small way...well it just seems to multiply the loss and the subsequent loneliness.
     
  5. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    You let time happen.

    One day you'll wake up and you didn't think about it for an hour.
    One day you'll wake up and you didn't think about it for 4 hours.
    One day you wake up and you didn't think about it for almost 15 hours.
    One day you wake up and realize you didn't think about it for a few days.
    One day you realize you haven't thought about it for many months and wonder when you really stopped thinking about it.
    One day you'll realize you wasted so much time thinking about it that it was truly a waste of time and you should have moved on earlier.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
  6. Frankie

    Frankie Getting Tilted

    Location:
    New England
    Yes it’s true time heals all wounds but with that said one day when you least expect it you’ll see that special someone and it will all come back or you’ll see something or hear something that reminds you of them and your head and heart will be filled with those feelings again.
     
  7. ralphie250

    ralphie250 Fully Erect Donor

    Location:
    Jonesboro ga
    this for the win........

    time..
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    yeah. this applies to lots of things. Including my parents.