Dear Abby
 

I'll be honest with you, you're going to be doing my homework for me. So, I have this public speaking class and the homework assignment is to just bring in to class a "Dear Abby" question. Something you'd find in an advice column. So, TFP, your mission is to deliver to me an advice column question worthy of answering... in front of the class. (There's an added humor element to this, so I think it can pass as a valid thread...)

Compulsive masturbation is a serious issue for some folks out there.

You could also go the obcessive-compulsive route, including the line, "This is the 278th time I've written you this week."

My understanding is that it must be fictional? I'll give it a go...

Excuse my morbid sense of humour.

Dear Hal,

I used to be a sex addict. I spent ten years of my life sleeping with anything that moves, including pets. I decided the only way to get over this addiction was to go cold turkey, and I stopped having sex altogether, including with myself. Now that I've been clean for a year, I've forgotten how to have sex! I remember it has something to do with... goblins? And stuffed animals? Oh no! What do I do?

Yours,
Horny in Holland

Oh, I've got to try cold turkey. So far I've only had sex with warm/hot turkeys.

I think the above answers are brilliant.

Dear Hal-by:

I'm a 58 year-old woman on welfare trapped in a loveless marriage. My husband cheats on me constantly and the only attention that I get from him involves his fists. My eldest son is an intraveneous drug user whose overdosed six times, and my daughter is a former high-end call girl who now finds herself working the streets to support her 7 children.

My youngest son is the only one who's different, and he spends all of his waking time on some computer message board call TFP offering advice to others and expressing himself in a polite and meaningful way. Where did I go wrong and how do I get him be more like his siblings?

--Mertyl

Damn Martian.. that's what I'm talkin' about