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Old 06-29-2006, 03:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
What would you do?

My boyfriend was offered a job in Texas back in April and this past week he accepted the offer (we are both from NY). We spent this last weekend in Texas looking at places to live and actually checking out his job...which he loved. I was very please with the area and the people there, however...how do you move across the country and leave your family behind. Now i understand we must all grow up at some point and make a life for ourselves (i'm 25) but I am soooo attached to my family!!! We all know living in NY is very expensive and finances is a cause of a fight or two once in a while. In Texas money will not be an issue TRUST ME he is making good money and i've looked into what my careers pays and I am very happy with what i saw...so what would you do??
1) leave your family and live a very nice comfortable life with your So
2) stay in NY because of your family and let go of the one you love??
seems like an easy decision but it is driving me crazy....

give me some advise
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Old 06-29-2006, 03:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Personally, unless I were married or engaged, I wouldn't move right away. I'd visit, continue with the long distance thing, but move right away, no.

No matter what, you're heart is pulled in several directions, go with what is pulling the hardest.
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Old 06-29-2006, 04:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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growing up doesn't necessarily mean picking up and moving across thecountry...

Absorbenthe's got it right - keep it long distance for the time being and make sure it's what you really want to do...

Family is really only a phone call, an instant message, a plane ride away.. so is your boyfriend... Don't let your attachment, or inability to detach make your choice for you...

What does your heart tell you?
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Old 06-29-2006, 05:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
my heart is numb i've been dwelling on this so much that i don't know what to think/feel anymore. I don't want to move and then everytime we argue be reminded of how far i am from my family and why...then i think what if i call home one day and the whole fam is over for a bbq GOD!!! I will miss out on watching the kids grow up. But then again there are planes and the internet and phones.... we are never going to be financially set in NY, we bearly get by now and we work a lot, which creates so much stress b/w us. I want a better life for me and my SO and i know Texas will give us that, it's just...giving up the family is a high price to pay...i'm emotionally and mentaly confused
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Old 06-29-2006, 05:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Eh. I'd move.

If it doesn't work out you can always move back to NY. It's not like this is going to be a permanent decision. You're 25, and you have never lived away from your family.... I'd say you're clutching a little too tightly.
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Old 06-29-2006, 05:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
I honestly can't say I understand the whole "being close with family" business. Imoved out at 17 and never looked back... My family is tolerated at major holidays and that's it... So that said - and a grain of salt.

One of your concerns is that you will move away, and have a chance at a great future withyour SO, but you could call home and feel you'd be missing out on a great party? Well what about the new friends thatyou could make in Texas... and the great parties you could be having in Texas.

Watching kids grow up? eh -- there's chat, instant messenger, video conferencing, telephones, video tape, email, pictures, us mail, you won't be out of touch with them... and you could go home for the holidays.

But if you did move, sounds like you'd do a little resenting of your boyfriend for making yuo move...Neither one of you will be happy with that and you'll be a lot further from home...

Home.. that's a word.. What is home exactly? Home is where your heart is... so is your heart with your boyfriend and your future, or your family (who I am wllling to bet will love and support you in whatever you decide) and your past.

Flip a coin?
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Old 06-29-2006, 09:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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The way I see it, your family probably wants you to do well. They probably want you to marry your BF, settle down, get a house, pop out a few kids (that's _your_ choice, of course), live comfy, have a good income and make a secure life.

Now -- how possible is _any_ of that in NYC for you?

So you can be with them -- or you can be what they want you to be... which seems to be what you also would like to be...

I think it's time to have an adventure. And if it doesn't work out, you can always go back. Hell, if it _does_ work out, you can eventually go back -- with sufficient experience gained in the hinterlands to get high-paying jobs in NYC.

Last edited by Rodney; 06-29-2006 at 09:43 PM..
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Old 06-30-2006, 12:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Would you be moving for you, or for your boyfriend?

I'd suggest not moving if you're doing it for someone you don't have a permanent connection with. If you're doing it because you think you'd be better off, by all means, go for it.

Like Mal, I moved out as a teen, 18. I went back to visit for holidays, wanting to see my brothers and sisters and my mom on occasion, but I've mostly been on my own. I do still get an ache to see them, my siblings sometimes, but I'm comforted by being able to be with two people I love and who love me in return, so it doesn't become overwhelming too often.

In your position at your age I'd likely not have moved, but I tend to cling to safety rather than take risks.

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Old 06-30-2006, 12:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I would stay where put.

Are you married? engaged? planning on having a family together? do you have long term plans more than talking about a future?

If he´s making all this extra $$$ then great, stay put, he can fly you or himself back and forth for a month or three until you feel a bit more comfortable.

Now, myself, I couldn´t wait until I moved out of the house, like Mal, I moved at 17. I am not family oriented at all. That does not mean I am not close to them I speak with them all the time, I just don´t like the obligations of having to have Sunday dinner or holidays with them.

But that doesn´t mean I´d pick up and move from NYC. I couldn´t wait to move from my home town in Los Angeles. Now that I live in NYC, I can´t imagine living anywhere else, especially Texas.
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Old 06-30-2006, 01:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
Originally Posted by Carno
Eh. I'd move.

If it doesn't work out you can always move back to NY. It's not like this is going to be a permanent decision. You're 25, and you have never lived away from your family.... I'd say you're clutching a little too tightly.
Yeah, moving away won't kill you or make it impossible to move back if for some reason things don't work out. Go start your life together, if you love the guy so much. lol
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Old 06-30-2006, 04:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Where in Texas would you be moving?
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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Old 06-30-2006, 04:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
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When I was in the Navy I was stationed in my home state, so it really wasnít like I was too far away, but at 22 I backed my bags and moved 3000 miles away to the East Coast. Though my ex has family here, I didnít. Its really not that bad being this far away. Unless there was a great opportunity for my back in Washington I donít think I would go back.

You are young, do it. If things go sour you can always move back. I would do it for the Texas winters alone.

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Old 06-30-2006, 10:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
Originally Posted by Gatorade Frost
Where in Texas would you be moving?
Dallas/FW right in between, thank you guys for all the advise it really is helping =o)
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Old 06-30-2006, 08:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I would move for a more original experience with new people and places. If you don't like it, you can move somewhere else. That being said.. I wouldn't want to move to Texas :-p.
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Old 07-04-2006, 03:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: Los Angeles
I'd move. it sounds like a great opportunity for the both of you! if you are worried about being away from you family.. there's always phone calls, letters, e-mail, and visits.
good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 07-04-2006, 03:08 AM   #16 (permalink)
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......Eventually, you WILL move away from Family, Both in a physical and emotional way. Why not do so under exciting, and fulfilling circumstances.
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Old 07-04-2006, 06:28 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: L.A. L.A. land
How about moving for a set period of time (like 2 years or so), and the living situation to be re-evaluated when that time is up?

I understand it's hard to be away from family, but really, are you going to plan to scrape by in NY forever? Is that the kind of life you want?

What if you got married, and then this opportunity comes up? It's better to try it out now, when you're not legally bound.

I seriously would go for it for a couple years, long enough to give you a real understanding of what it's going to be like, but with a real re-eval date on the calendar, which can provide the emotional relief you may need to make this a success.
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Old 07-04-2006, 06:55 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Location: on the back, bitch
I agree with the mover's side. This is something you can always change if need be, but could be regretted if you pass the chance by. I have siblings in North Carolina, friends all over the country and we all stay in touch, visit, etc.
Take the move, soak it up as a new adventure and minimize those regrets we all seem to take on when we get older. How will you know and learn new things if you never leave your backyard? Good luck.
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Old 07-04-2006, 07:07 AM   #19 (permalink)
I'd leap at the opportunity to move to another part of the country. If you get to take your SO with you, and make good money also, it seems like an ideal situation all around.

You can always visit family, but I find being so close to family and those I've known my whole life to be a key reason for wanting to move myself, and I have a very solid, and close, relationship with my immediate family.

It's a big country. Being cooped up in one tiny part of it for an entire lifetime seems very unfulfilling to me. Thus, I highly recommend moving at any opportunity that presents itself.
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Old 07-04-2006, 08:46 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Location: Arabidopsis-ville
Sounds like you would be financially secure enough in Texas to visit your family often.

With this in mind, I recommend trying Texas.

Can you get a couple of weeks off from work?

Make sure the boyfriend doesn't plan financially around your additional income, but help him with the move out there. Stick around for a week, try to get comfortable in the city. Feel it out. Then go back home. Purchase that plane ticket home before you even leave for Texas. When you're home, see if you're dying to be back in Texas. If you are, consider moving for real.

You can ease yourself into it, or you can jump right in. Personally, I'm a fan of slower transitions. Look into your heart. Which direction will take you to where you want to be in life? You are 25. Not a bad age to be in transition.
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Old 07-04-2006, 10:17 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Location: Tokyo, Japan
You can always hop a flight to New York to visit family or the other way around.
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Old 07-04-2006, 10:58 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Location: Raleigh, NC / Atlanta, GA
I think it depends on where you see things going with your SO... is this the guy you want to be with forever? Were you living together in NY?

Is family the only reason you would stay in NY? Are there other things keeping you there?

I would just look at it from every angle and see how you feel.
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Old 07-04-2006, 10:58 PM   #23 (permalink)
Location: Buffalo, New York
Yea, how strong is your relationship?
Are you prepared to go it on your own in Texas if things don't work out?

Those are things I would consider if it were me. I also come from a family where everyone is very independent, and might go for quite a while without a visit or phone call. And like you said, the internet is a great tool for keeping in touch!

Good luck!
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Old 07-04-2006, 11:05 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Location: 17TLH2445607250
I'm chalking up another vote for move...

First of all, life should be an adventure. You never know what good may come of the move. Worst case scenario, you move back home to NY... it's not like you cannot go back. Family bonds are stronger than distance, but a budding or growing relationship sometimes is not. If you love your SO, go to TX and see what happens.
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Old 07-05-2006, 04:51 AM   #25 (permalink)
Location: Under the Radar
Are you the adventurous type? Do you handle change well or totally freak out from change?

When I was in my early 20's, I moved far away from home for the first time as well. It turned out to be one of the best experiences in my life. I spent 2 years away from my family before I came back home, but I did come back a man who was smarter and more experienced in life. I'm sure I wouldn't have grown as fast if I had stayed at home with a high comfort level. Even though I did miss my family and friends, the experience was worth it.
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Old 07-05-2006, 07:57 AM   #26 (permalink)
Location: Bath, UK
I'd move. Nothing needs to be forever and your family MUST want you to persue your career and future happiness. You can't stay put forever and do you really wnat to look back at your life only ever having lived in one place?

You said you'd be earning plenty right? Then use it for plenty of visits back home or to fly family out to you.

Whatever you decide, good luck!
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Old 07-07-2006, 02:48 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Location: Clarkson U.
Eh, having jumped ship from upstate ny to Kansas City for the summer... I'd say move. It's not as bad as you think it's going to be. Just don't be a introvert down there, and you'll meet plenty of cool people. After that, you'll do fine.
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Old 07-07-2006, 03:52 PM   #28 (permalink)
Location: bedford, tx
All of us here in the DFW area are good people. Come on down, you won't regret it.
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Old 07-07-2006, 07:20 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Location: Upper Michigan
I'd move. I'm fairly close to my family. I have lived near them as I do now - 5 min from Mom and Dad and 2 blocks from my brother. I have also lived 6 hours away. When I was 6 hours away I missed them but I never really hate moments where I hated them. Living this close - There are those times when I wish I lived a couple of states away. Absence can make the heart grow fonder. So just because you want to be near your family and see them often doesn't mean you can't move away. Besides if you're making good money you'll be able to visit them more often. Just promise yourself that you'll get an unlimited long distance phone plan and call Mom and Dad every day.

Besides you can always move back home right?
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Old 07-09-2006, 05:37 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Location: NYC
It all depends on the relationship you ahve with him, what is your status where are you 2 going, how do you see your future with him. To move that far without any plans, is silly. But do not move because of him unless you 2 are engaged/married is my feeling, you will resent him for it. Move for yourself, or if your relationship is at that stage (at which point it should be a decision by both of you).
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Old 07-10-2006, 02:38 AM   #31 (permalink)
Location: ok
No brainer to me...move...there is nothing like the experience of wandering new paths, expanding your horizons but do it for yourself...personal growth can and will make your relationship better with both family and your SO...if you find that the move is not for you then you've learned a valuble lesson that otherwise you'd have no chance to experience, you can always return home...
Fear not living...fear instead never having lived!
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Old 07-10-2006, 01:30 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Location: Iceland
Gut reaction? I'd MOVE, without much of a second thought. But that's because I've moved 10 times in the last 10 years (having left home at 17, and glad to do so), and each time I've seen it as an opportunity opening up. I have almost never regretted taking a risk; the rewards always outpace any losses. But that's my personality and outlook on life in general; "if you must doubt, DOUBT YOUR LIMITS." You will survive, either way; but which way brings less suffering for you? Only you can decide.

That said, there have been some VERY good replies on this thread... I'll quote my two favorites so far:

Originally Posted by maleficent
Home.. that's a word.. What is home exactly? Home is where your heart is... so is your heart with your boyfriend and your future, or your family (who I am wllling to bet will love and support you in whatever you decide) and your past.
You're 25... old enough to make your home wherever you wish it to be. If you truly want your home to be near your family of origin, you'd better not go to Texas, because then you'll start resenting your bf, and he'll be sad. If you feel like your boyfriend could become your home, and your family (e.g. you start a family with him, and create your own homw), then go. Where do you feel most comfortable, most loved, most embraced? In NY, or with your man? Choose from there.

Originally Posted by tecoyah
......Eventually, you WILL move away from Family, Both in a physical and emotional way. Why not do so under exciting, and fulfilling circumstances.
Again, that's also my take. Family will always be there, in one form or another... they're obligated to love you, and you're obligated to love them back. But a significant other is something else. You chose him, and he chose you. You can't always come back to that. There is the chance that if you don't go to TX, the long-distance won't work. What would you rather regret; losing him, or losing the comfort of having your family at arm's length? (Personally, I like to keep my family at arm's length, if not cross-country's length, hehe.)

Highly personal topic. Only you can decide, like I said. But I think you'll find that in the end, the biggest regrets in life are not from taking risks... they are from being afraid of them, and losing out on the greatest opportunity you might have had. Again, that's my personal philosophy though. Do what your heart tells you; no one can argue with what "home" is for you, once you know what it is yourself.
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

--Khalil Gibran
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Old 07-16-2006, 06:03 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Location: Iceland
Why didn't you tell us that he was your fiance?
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

--Khalil Gibran
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