Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Chatter > General Discussion


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 06-29-2006, 03:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
Upright
 
What would you do?

My boyfriend was offered a job in Texas back in April and this past week he accepted the offer (we are both from NY). We spent this last weekend in Texas looking at places to live and actually checking out his job...which he loved. I was very please with the area and the people there, however...how do you move across the country and leave your family behind. Now i understand we must all grow up at some point and make a life for ourselves (i'm 25) but I am soooo attached to my family!!! We all know living in NY is very expensive and finances is a cause of a fight or two once in a while. In Texas money will not be an issue TRUST ME he is making good money and i've looked into what my careers pays and I am very happy with what i saw...so what would you do??
1) leave your family and live a very nice comfortable life with your So
or
2) stay in NY because of your family and let go of the one you love??
seems like an easy decision but it is driving me crazy....

give me some advise
madeodreams is offline  
Old 06-29-2006, 03:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
Boy am I horny today
 
absorbentishe's Avatar
 
Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!
Personally, unless I were married or engaged, I wouldn't move right away. I'd visit, continue with the long distance thing, but move right away, no.

No matter what, you're heart is pulled in several directions, go with what is pulling the hardest.
absorbentishe is offline  
Old 06-29-2006, 04:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
growing up doesn't necessarily mean picking up and moving across thecountry...

Absorbenthe's got it right - keep it long distance for the time being and make sure it's what you really want to do...

Family is really only a phone call, an instant message, a plane ride away.. so is your boyfriend... Don't let your attachment, or inability to detach make your choice for you...

What does your heart tell you?
__________________
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
maleficent is offline  
Old 06-29-2006, 05:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
Upright
 
my heart is numb i've been dwelling on this so much that i don't know what to think/feel anymore. I don't want to move and then everytime we argue be reminded of how far i am from my family and why...then i think what if i call home one day and the whole fam is over for a bbq GOD!!! I will miss out on watching the kids grow up. But then again there are planes and the internet and phones.... we are never going to be financially set in NY, we bearly get by now and we work a lot, which creates so much stress b/w us. I want a better life for me and my SO and i know Texas will give us that, it's just...giving up the family is a high price to pay...i'm emotionally and mentaly confused
madeodreams is offline  
Old 06-29-2006, 05:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Carno's Avatar
 
Eh. I'd move.

If it doesn't work out you can always move back to NY. It's not like this is going to be a permanent decision. You're 25, and you have never lived away from your family.... I'd say you're clutching a little too tightly.
Carno is offline  
Old 06-29-2006, 05:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
I honestly can't say I understand the whole "being close with family" business. Imoved out at 17 and never looked back... My family is tolerated at major holidays and that's it... So that said - and a grain of salt.

One of your concerns is that you will move away, and have a chance at a great future withyour SO, but you could call home and feel you'd be missing out on a great party? Well what about the new friends thatyou could make in Texas... and the great parties you could be having in Texas.

Watching kids grow up? eh -- there's chat, instant messenger, video conferencing, telephones, video tape, email, pictures, us mail, you won't be out of touch with them... and you could go home for the holidays.

But if you did move, sounds like you'd do a little resenting of your boyfriend for making yuo move...Neither one of you will be happy with that and you'll be a lot further from home...

Home.. that's a word.. What is home exactly? Home is where your heart is... so is your heart with your boyfriend and your future, or your family (who I am wllling to bet will love and support you in whatever you decide) and your past.

Flip a coin?
__________________
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
maleficent is offline  
Old 06-29-2006, 09:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
Observant Ruminant
 
Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town
The way I see it, your family probably wants you to do well. They probably want you to marry your BF, settle down, get a house, pop out a few kids (that's _your_ choice, of course), live comfy, have a good income and make a secure life.

Now -- how possible is _any_ of that in NYC for you?

So you can be with them -- or you can be what they want you to be... which seems to be what you also would like to be...

I think it's time to have an adventure. And if it doesn't work out, you can always go back. Hell, if it _does_ work out, you can eventually go back -- with sufficient experience gained in the hinterlands to get high-paying jobs in NYC.

Last edited by Rodney; 06-29-2006 at 09:43 PM..
Rodney is offline  
Old 06-30-2006, 12:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
32 flavors and then some
 
Gilda's Avatar
 
Location: Out on a wire.
Would you be moving for you, or for your boyfriend?

I'd suggest not moving if you're doing it for someone you don't have a permanent connection with. If you're doing it because you think you'd be better off, by all means, go for it.

Like Mal, I moved out as a teen, 18. I went back to visit for holidays, wanting to see my brothers and sisters and my mom on occasion, but I've mostly been on my own. I do still get an ache to see them, my siblings sometimes, but I'm comforted by being able to be with two people I love and who love me in return, so it doesn't become overwhelming too often.

In your position at your age I'd likely not have moved, but I tend to cling to safety rather than take risks.

Gilda
Gilda is offline  
Old 06-30-2006, 12:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
Tilted Cat Head
 
Cynthetiq's Avatar
 
Administrator
Location: Manhattan, NY
I would stay where put.

Are you married? engaged? planning on having a family together? do you have long term plans more than talking about a future?

If he´s making all this extra $$$ then great, stay put, he can fly you or himself back and forth for a month or three until you feel a bit more comfortable.

Now, myself, I couldn´t wait until I moved out of the house, like Mal, I moved at 17. I am not family oriented at all. That does not mean I am not close to them I speak with them all the time, I just don´t like the obligations of having to have Sunday dinner or holidays with them.

But that doesn´t mean I´d pick up and move from NYC. I couldn´t wait to move from my home town in Los Angeles. Now that I live in NYC, I can´t imagine living anywhere else, especially Texas.
__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.
Cynthetiq is offline  
Old 06-30-2006, 01:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
Banned
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carno
Eh. I'd move.

If it doesn't work out you can always move back to NY. It's not like this is going to be a permanent decision. You're 25, and you have never lived away from your family.... I'd say you're clutching a little too tightly.
Yeah, moving away won't kill you or make it impossible to move back if for some reason things don't work out. Go start your life together, if you love the guy so much. lol
analog is offline  
Old 06-30-2006, 04:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
Rookie
 
Gatorade Frost's Avatar
 
Where in Texas would you be moving?
__________________
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips
Gatorade Frost is offline  
Old 06-30-2006, 04:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Ample's Avatar
 
Location: In your closet
When I was in the Navy I was stationed in my home state, so it really wasnít like I was too far away, but at 22 I backed my bags and moved 3000 miles away to the East Coast. Though my ex has family here, I didnít. Its really not that bad being this far away. Unless there was a great opportunity for my back in Washington I donít think I would go back.

You are young, do it. If things go sour you can always move back. I would do it for the Texas winters alone.
__________________

Her juju beads are so nice
She kissed my third cousin twice
Im the king of pomona
Ample is offline  
Old 06-30-2006, 10:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
Upright
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gatorade Frost
Where in Texas would you be moving?
Dallas/FW right in between, thank you guys for all the advise it really is helping =o)
madeodreams is offline  
Old 06-30-2006, 08:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
Pleasure Burn
 
Painted's Avatar
 
I would move for a more original experience with new people and places. If you don't like it, you can move somewhere else. That being said.. I wouldn't want to move to Texas :-p.
Painted is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 03:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
Tilted
 
MySexyAssJ's Avatar
 
Location: Los Angeles
I'd move. it sounds like a great opportunity for the both of you! if you are worried about being away from you family.. there's always phone calls, letters, e-mail, and visits.
good luck with whatever you decide.
__________________
Once bitten, Twice shy.
MySexyAssJ is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 03:08 AM   #16 (permalink)
Illusionary
 
tecoyah's Avatar
 
......Eventually, you WILL move away from Family, Both in a physical and emotional way. Why not do so under exciting, and fulfilling circumstances.
__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha
tecoyah is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 06:28 AM   #17 (permalink)
Falling Angel
 
Sultana's Avatar
 
Location: L.A. L.A. land
How about moving for a set period of time (like 2 years or so), and the living situation to be re-evaluated when that time is up?

I understand it's hard to be away from family, but really, are you going to plan to scrape by in NY forever? Is that the kind of life you want?

What if you got married, and then this opportunity comes up? It's better to try it out now, when you're not legally bound.

I seriously would go for it for a couple years, long enough to give you a real understanding of what it's going to be like, but with a real re-eval date on the calendar, which can provide the emotional relief you may need to make this a success.
__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening


My goal? To fulfill my potential.
Sultana is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 06:55 AM   #18 (permalink)
peekaboo
 
ngdawg's Avatar
 
Location: on the back, bitch
I agree with the mover's side. This is something you can always change if need be, but could be regretted if you pass the chance by. I have siblings in North Carolina, friends all over the country and we all stay in touch, visit, etc.
Take the move, soak it up as a new adventure and minimize those regrets we all seem to take on when we get older. How will you know and learn new things if you never leave your backyard? Good luck.
__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.
ngdawg is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 07:07 AM   #19 (permalink)
Junkie
 
I'd leap at the opportunity to move to another part of the country. If you get to take your SO with you, and make good money also, it seems like an ideal situation all around.

You can always visit family, but I find being so close to family and those I've known my whole life to be a key reason for wanting to move myself, and I have a very solid, and close, relationship with my immediate family.

It's a big country. Being cooped up in one tiny part of it for an entire lifetime seems very unfulfilling to me. Thus, I highly recommend moving at any opportunity that presents itself.
__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.
Jimellow is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 08:46 AM   #20 (permalink)
Eat your vegetables
 
genuinegirly's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Arabidopsis-ville
Sounds like you would be financially secure enough in Texas to visit your family often.

With this in mind, I recommend trying Texas.

Can you get a couple of weeks off from work?

Make sure the boyfriend doesn't plan financially around your additional income, but help him with the move out there. Stick around for a week, try to get comfortable in the city. Feel it out. Then go back home. Purchase that plane ticket home before you even leave for Texas. When you're home, see if you're dying to be back in Texas. If you are, consider moving for real.

You can ease yourself into it, or you can jump right in. Personally, I'm a fan of slower transitions. Look into your heart. Which direction will take you to where you want to be in life? You are 25. Not a bad age to be in transition.
__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy
genuinegirly is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 10:17 AM   #21 (permalink)
Addict
 
Vincentt's Avatar
 
Location: Tokyo, Japan
You can always hop a flight to New York to visit family or the other way around.
__________________
.
Vincentt is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 10:58 AM   #22 (permalink)
Insane
 
VirFighter's Avatar
 
Location: Raleigh, NC / Atlanta, GA
I think it depends on where you see things going with your SO... is this the guy you want to be with forever? Were you living together in NY?

Is family the only reason you would stay in NY? Are there other things keeping you there?

I would just look at it from every angle and see how you feel.
__________________
"The South is gonna boogie again"
- Disco Stu
VirFighter is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 10:58 PM   #23 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Buffalo, New York
Yea, how strong is your relationship?
Are you prepared to go it on your own in Texas if things don't work out?

Those are things I would consider if it were me. I also come from a family where everyone is very independent, and might go for quite a while without a visit or phone call. And like you said, the internet is a great tool for keeping in touch!

Good luck!
MoonDog is offline  
Old 07-04-2006, 11:05 PM   #24 (permalink)
<3 TFP
 
xepherys's Avatar
 
Location: 17TLH2445607250
I'm chalking up another vote for move...

First of all, life should be an adventure. You never know what good may come of the move. Worst case scenario, you move back home to NY... it's not like you cannot go back. Family bonds are stronger than distance, but a budding or growing relationship sometimes is not. If you love your SO, go to TX and see what happens.
xepherys is offline  
Old 07-05-2006, 04:51 AM   #25 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Under the Radar
Are you the adventurous type? Do you handle change well or totally freak out from change?

When I was in my early 20's, I moved far away from home for the first time as well. It turned out to be one of the best experiences in my life. I spent 2 years away from my family before I came back home, but I did come back a man who was smarter and more experienced in life. I'm sure I wouldn't have grown as fast if I had stayed at home with a high comfort level. Even though I did miss my family and friends, the experience was worth it.
Average_Joe is offline  
Old 07-05-2006, 07:57 AM   #26 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Bath, UK
I'd move. Nothing needs to be forever and your family MUST want you to persue your career and future happiness. You can't stay put forever and do you really wnat to look back at your life only ever having lived in one place?

You said you'd be earning plenty right? Then use it for plenty of visits back home or to fly family out to you.

Whatever you decide, good luck!
__________________
I like to browse in occult bookshops if for no other reason than to refresh my commitment to science.
-- Heinz Pagels, "The Dreams of Reason"
avernus is offline  
Old 07-07-2006, 02:48 PM   #27 (permalink)
Fledgling Dead Head
 
krwlz's Avatar
 
Location: Clarkson U.
Eh, having jumped ship from upstate ny to Kansas City for the summer... I'd say move. It's not as bad as you think it's going to be. Just don't be a introvert down there, and you'll meet plenty of cool people. After that, you'll do fine.
krwlz is offline  
Old 07-07-2006, 03:52 PM   #28 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: bedford, tx
All of us here in the DFW area are good people. Come on down, you won't regret it.
__________________
"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."
dksuddeth is offline  
Old 07-07-2006, 07:20 PM   #29 (permalink)
I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
 
raeanna74's Avatar
 
Location: Upper Michigan
I'd move. I'm fairly close to my family. I have lived near them as I do now - 5 min from Mom and Dad and 2 blocks from my brother. I have also lived 6 hours away. When I was 6 hours away I missed them but I never really hate moments where I hated them. Living this close - There are those times when I wish I lived a couple of states away. Absence can make the heart grow fonder. So just because you want to be near your family and see them often doesn't mean you can't move away. Besides if you're making good money you'll be able to visit them more often. Just promise yourself that you'll get an unlimited long distance phone plan and call Mom and Dad every day.

Besides you can always move back home right?
__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
raeanna74 is offline  
Old 07-09-2006, 05:37 AM   #30 (permalink)
People in masks cannot be trusted
 
Xazy's Avatar
 
Location: NYC
It all depends on the relationship you ahve with him, what is your status where are you 2 going, how do you see your future with him. To move that far without any plans, is silly. But do not move because of him unless you 2 are engaged/married is my feeling, you will resent him for it. Move for yourself, or if your relationship is at that stage (at which point it should be a decision by both of you).
Xazy is offline  
Old 07-10-2006, 02:38 AM   #31 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: ok
No brainer to me...move...there is nothing like the experience of wandering new paths, expanding your horizons but do it for yourself...personal growth can and will make your relationship better with both family and your SO...if you find that the move is not for you then you've learned a valuble lesson that otherwise you'd have no chance to experience, you can always return home...
__________________
Fear not living...fear instead never having lived!
swmnkdinthervr is offline  
Old 07-10-2006, 01:30 PM   #32 (permalink)
 
abaya's Avatar
 
Location: Iceland
Gut reaction? I'd MOVE, without much of a second thought. But that's because I've moved 10 times in the last 10 years (having left home at 17, and glad to do so), and each time I've seen it as an opportunity opening up. I have almost never regretted taking a risk; the rewards always outpace any losses. But that's my personality and outlook on life in general; "if you must doubt, DOUBT YOUR LIMITS." You will survive, either way; but which way brings less suffering for you? Only you can decide.

That said, there have been some VERY good replies on this thread... I'll quote my two favorites so far:

Quote:
Originally Posted by maleficent
Home.. that's a word.. What is home exactly? Home is where your heart is... so is your heart with your boyfriend and your future, or your family (who I am wllling to bet will love and support you in whatever you decide) and your past.
You're 25... old enough to make your home wherever you wish it to be. If you truly want your home to be near your family of origin, you'd better not go to Texas, because then you'll start resenting your bf, and he'll be sad. If you feel like your boyfriend could become your home, and your family (e.g. you start a family with him, and create your own homw), then go. Where do you feel most comfortable, most loved, most embraced? In NY, or with your man? Choose from there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tecoyah
......Eventually, you WILL move away from Family, Both in a physical and emotional way. Why not do so under exciting, and fulfilling circumstances.
Again, that's also my take. Family will always be there, in one form or another... they're obligated to love you, and you're obligated to love them back. But a significant other is something else. You chose him, and he chose you. You can't always come back to that. There is the chance that if you don't go to TX, the long-distance won't work. What would you rather regret; losing him, or losing the comfort of having your family at arm's length? (Personally, I like to keep my family at arm's length, if not cross-country's length, hehe.)

Highly personal topic. Only you can decide, like I said. But I think you'll find that in the end, the biggest regrets in life are not from taking risks... they are from being afraid of them, and losing out on the greatest opportunity you might have had. Again, that's my personal philosophy though. Do what your heart tells you; no one can argue with what "home" is for you, once you know what it is yourself.
__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

--Khalil Gibran
abaya is offline  
Old 07-16-2006, 06:03 PM   #33 (permalink)
 
abaya's Avatar
 
Location: Iceland
Why didn't you tell us that he was your fiance?
__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

--Khalil Gibran
abaya is offline  
 

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:23 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73