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Old 03-17-2007, 01:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Last night my daughter's boyfriend killed himself

We got the call this morning, we are numb, everyone been crying all day and I feel so bad for his parents and sister, my daughter has been distraught most of the day. He was such a sweet kid, just 16, it's so sad. His parents always left him alone. He has been coming over almost every Friday night but last night he was grounded and they left him alone again to watch his sister cheer at an away basketball game. They found him shot when they got home. Assholes, now I'm pissed off!

He had it bad for my daughter for years since 5th grade and about a month ago I could see it in her eyes, she was in love. I asked her and she got this unbelievable smile and sweetly said yes. Tears again! I hate the pain she's going through. Can't say anymore now. Halx, thanks for creating this great outlet!
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

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Old 03-17-2007, 01:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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We got your back...
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Old 03-17-2007, 02:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago, IL
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I can only imagine how painful that would be to go through. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to be sure that she understands that it wasn't her fault. Also that she's still very young and she will find love again. I hope that you all find some peace about this soon. Take care of yourselves.
"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan
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Old 03-17-2007, 02:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: on the back, bitch
She'll be double-guessing herself, what-if-ing...talk to her a lot, let her get angry and go through her grief. I'm so sorry. My kids are 15-I can't imagine having to go through anything like this.
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.
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Old 03-17-2007, 03:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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That's really tragic, for everyone involved. It might be a good idea to consider enrolling your daughter in some sort of counseling so that she comes to understand that she is not at fault, etc. Best of luck to you in getting through this difficult time.
The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty
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Old 03-17-2007, 03:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
I agree with all the previous advice in this thread. That's terrible I really can't even fathom how your daughter, or you, or the rest of your family, must be feeling right now. Did he have a history of depression that his parents should have known to not leave him home alone?
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Old 03-17-2007, 03:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Canton, Ohio
He was upset about so many things. Your daughter was the hope and the shining star for him. I hope she can be glad that she gave him something to look forward to. Unfortunately he had so many bad things in his life that he felt he couldnt go on. It isnt in any way her fault. I wish you all peace.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
Deja Moo
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Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA
Brew, my thoughts are with you and your daughter.
"You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to." Molly Ivins - 1944-2007
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Old 03-17-2007, 06:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: Camazotz
For personal reasons, I feel strongly about suicide. Please don't read the following if you're worried it will offend or upset you.

Advisory   click to show 

Brew, I'm sorry. I hope your daughter comes through this thing.
it's quiet in here
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Old 03-17-2007, 06:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
still, wondering.
Ourcrazymodern?'s Avatar
Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge
My daughter's second-to-the-latest boyfriend turned to meth. I'm not sure how well he is, currently, but she's in Peru touring, with the new guy. Where there's life, there's hope. right?

...guns make it even easier than drugs, with apologies to the squeamish.
We come individually packaged for many reasons, apparently.

I hope you do well, also, Brewmaniac. We're only responsible up to a certain point, you know.
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Old 03-17-2007, 09:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
Eat your vegetables
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Super Moderator
Location: Arabidopsis-ville
This is horrible. I wish people could understand depression better. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

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Old 03-17-2007, 11:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: Music City burbs
Dang, Brew.... I will pray for his family and for yours, especially for your daughter, that God will pour grace and mercy upon you.

Wish I could give you more, but I can't. There are others who know more about psychology than I do, so I won't attempt any advice.

I can just say that I will pray - that's all I can do.

Please accept my condolences. My hopes are that your daughter will come out of this wiser, if not a bit more heart sore.
(none yet, still thinkin')
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Old 03-18-2007, 12:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
Kadath: Thank you for saying what no one wanted to, but needed to be said.

Brew: I'm sorry for your loss.

The only thing I'd say is not to drill the whole "his parents are assholes for leaving him alone and it's their fault he's dead" idea into your daughter's head. Suicide is a personal choice. Even if he was neck-deep in depression, it is at best their fault for not getting him help or watching him more carefully... but his death is ultimately no one's fault but his own.

Blaming the parents will not help your daughter grieve, and it is more than likely an incorrect assumption, especially considering the age of the boy. Parents do not always pick up on the signs of depression in their children- be it a lack of attention that would otherwise not be problematic, a lack of knowledge on the signs of depression, or plain old denial.

The best of luck to your family (and his) in dealing with this loss.
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Old 03-18-2007, 03:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
Getting it.
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Super Moderator
Location: Lion City
Brew, I read this this morning and it kind of rocked me. I have had both a best friend and my father commit suicide. It is never (ever) easy on those who are left behind.

The lists and lists of what ifs and should haves can overwhelm just as much as the anger at the person and sadness over the loss. Know that suicide is, as Analog suggests, a personal choice. The selfish choice was made and those left behind are left with nothing but pain and confusion.

Take heart that the pain subsides over time (though never quite completely).

My thoughts are with you and your daughter. PM me if you want to chat.
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke
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Old 03-18-2007, 04:35 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: Lilburn, Ga
Im so so sorry to hear this...I have to echo, and I cannot stress enuff, your daughter needs to understand its not anyone's fault but his, when a person is bent on this course of action all the what if's in the world wont matter.

My prayers are with everyone involved
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!
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Old 03-18-2007, 07:34 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Location: Ohio
Brew, what a terrible thing for your family to deal with - especially your daughter. My thoughts are with all of you in this difficult time.
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Old 03-18-2007, 08:49 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: Florida
Damn...I don't really know what to type, but you have my sincere condolences.
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Old 03-18-2007, 09:11 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your thoughts, advice and especially the prayers as they are comforting to us!

It's hard watching her go through such agony, words cannot describe. I wish I could grab her and hold her but I can't even do that. It's killing me! I feel helpless.

She is going to see her councilor on Monday and my wife is taking her to school and staying even if just sitting in the office, in case my daughter needs her.

We have unfortunately have been through this before with my wife's brother about 15 yrs. ago.

She talked briefly to his parents this morning and they want her to come over this afternoon, so my wife will take her because I can't get in their house, not ramped.
She wants to share her love with them.

No wants to blame them for leaving him alone so much but, I'm still angry they would leave him with a loaded gun in the house. I don't want that argument here please Mods, watch this!

Thanks again guys for your support!
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Old 03-18-2007, 11:56 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Lady Sage's Avatar
Location: Canton, Ohio
My mothers father(my grandfather) killed his mistress and then killed himself. It really hurt my mom and her 8 siblings and 2 half siblings. I hate him for hurting her like that.

I went to high school with a boy who came home to find his mother in the basement. She had just found out that she had inoperable brain cancer and decided to use a gun.

I understand where you are coming from, you would do anything to keep your baby girl from hurting. You want to protect her from ever being hurt by anything for any reason. Unfortunately you cant. Be there for her, hug her if she will let you. Know that she will come out of this a stronger woman for having dealt with it. I have faith in her and yourself that this can be overcome and you can move on. Perhaps this experience will turn into something positive? Perhaps your daughter will become a suicide prevention counselor. Go on to make a difference in saving lives.

We are here to support you in any way we can. A shoulder to cry on or a sounding board if you need to vent your anger, anguish and or frustration. Use us when you need to. Please dont hold it in!

With your blessings I would light a candle if you like. I tend to pray a little different than the average Joe/Jane,
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.
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Old 03-18-2007, 01:11 PM   #20 (permalink)
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My wife and daughter went to the families home, I am so ripped up for all of them! Time will heal the wounds and my daughter will be tougher for it, as was said. She is exactly like her mother who's as tough as a pit bull!

Again thanks all for being so kind, especially when I'm alone, "it's great to have a place to go where everyone knows your name" as the song goes, sort of anyhow.
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Old 03-18-2007, 01:15 PM   #21 (permalink)
Mistress of Mayhem
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Location: Canton, Ohio
Youre never alone, we are with you always if only in your heart.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.
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Old 03-18-2007, 02:26 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Location: Locash
hey brew, i hate to hear about this. condolences to all involved. i don't all the philosophizing about the meaning and attributes of suicide are going to help much right now. y'all just have to accept the shock of it. you've pretty much always got a couple of us around here to chat with; i guess its one of the things we do well.
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style
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Old 03-18-2007, 03:30 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear this, I am here, I wish you well
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Old 03-18-2007, 05:44 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Location: HRM
I'm sorry to hear about this bad news. It's so horrible when a young person does something like this, not having the skills to cope with growing up and being left to his own devices. Was there any sign at all this could have happened? Such a shame.

I remember my highschool years there was a run of deaths in my classmates, car accidents, suicides and attempted ones. It is a horrible thing to have to go through, and I am sure amplified a million times because he was so close to your daughter.

My heart goes out to your family, especially your daughter.
"A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote
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Old 03-19-2007, 03:31 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Location: Angloland
That sucks, my thoughts are with you all, and your daughter.
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Old 03-19-2007, 05:01 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Location: Beautiful British Columbia
Brew......hug your daughter and tell her that you love her.

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Old 03-19-2007, 05:25 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Location: Kittyville
I'm sorry, Brew. Really sorry. My best to you and both families.
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.
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Old 03-19-2007, 05:40 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Location: Ohio! yay!
That sucks. There are not many other words to use, but 'that sucks'.
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

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Old 03-19-2007, 09:48 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Location: O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A
My condolences to you and your family.
"Whoever wrote this episode should die!"
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Old 03-19-2007, 09:57 AM   #30 (permalink)
Never been through anything like this myself but my prayers are with you. It will get better day by day.
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Old 03-19-2007, 11:55 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Location: Waterloo, Ontario
My condolences to you, Brewmaniac, and those who were close to him. I wonder what he was thinking when he took his own life?
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Old 03-19-2007, 08:02 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Location: In the middle of the desert.
Originally Posted by KnifeMissile
I wonder what he was thinking when he took his own life?
That he couldn't go on, and had no one he could turn to for help.

Many moons ago, I had a buddy commit suicide. His fiance was raped, and back then, it was not standard to do a rape kit. She didn't know to ask for one. When the suspect was arrested, the county attorney declined to prosecute for lack of eyewitness or physical evidence.

She became so despondent about the circumstances, she took one of his guns, went to the scene, and shot herself through the heart.

A few weeks later, he did the same.

She could not deal with the shame of the rape (God knows why, but sex assault victims often blame themselves), and he could not deal with the shame of not being able to save her, and the guilt that he may have provided the instrument of her death.

Of course, she was not to blame for the rape, he could not have prevented it, and he was not to blame for her death. That's just how they saw it.

None of us saw it coming. All of us felt like we should have.

Do not react to this as if it is some sort of rational behavior.

1) You will blame yourselves, and when you do, forgive yourselves, because you are not to blame, here.

2) You will be angry with him, and when you are, forgive him, because he didn't do this to punish or hurt you.

You and your daughter remain in my prayers. Hold her, tell her you love her, and tell her that eventually, she'll be OK.
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Old 03-20-2007, 01:53 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Now I'm scared she might do something stupid!

We don't want to leave her alone but I know we'll have to and that scares me!

Crying again, this fucking sucks!

"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

Last edited by Brewmaniac; 03-20-2007 at 01:57 AM..
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Old 03-20-2007, 05:32 AM   #34 (permalink)
pigglet pigglet
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Location: Locash

deep breaths my man, deep breaths. be there for her, keep and eye on her, and talk about it. no reason to get too worked up about her hurting herself; just be aware that sometimes people make irrational decisions in these circumstances. so keep an eye out for her.

all will be well, y'all are in our thoughts.
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style
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Old 03-20-2007, 07:43 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Brewmaniac
Now I'm scared she might do something stupid!

We don't want to leave her alone but I know we'll have to and that scares me!
Brewmaniac, is it something that you can talk to her directly about?
Have you already done so?
Sticky The Stickman
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Old 03-20-2007, 08:10 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Sticky
Brewmaniac, is it something that you can talk to her directly about?
Have you already done so?
We have talked to her about almost everything, everyone here has given such good advice but,
I'm sure there's things we are missing, so if there's something we are missing please tell me!
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"
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Old 03-20-2007, 08:19 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Location: Lilburn, Ga
Hopefully she will see how much everyone is hurting from his selfish (yes I too agree its very selfish to do this kind of thing) actions and it wont occur to her to do anything stupid as well
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Old 03-20-2007, 08:39 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Brew, what sad terrible news. My heart goes out to your family and the young boy's family. I don't have any magic words other than I wish you peace. I hope it comes soon.
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Old 03-20-2007, 02:05 PM   #39 (permalink)
Stay interested in her plans, make plans to do things. "Hey, let's _____ this weekend." The more receptive to making plans to do things, the better. Keep this going with day-to-day things as well, especially over weekends... so on friday, maybe ask if she'd like to go someplace on monday after school.

She's going to be sad/depressed- what to look for is if she suddenly seems very cheery/happy one day (too soon) and has little explanation as to why. If she's willing to sit down and discuss why she's suddenly so happy, and it sounds good, then she's just done some good thinking and that's that. If she refuses attempts to chat about why everything is suddenly ok, that can be an unfavorable sign.

Suddenly becoming obsessed with death, or morbid, are not necessarily "freak out" signs- things like morbid poetry or writing, or listening to morbid/dark music. If it persists for a while, then maybe it's something to address (since the event may have actually changed some mental processes, though not necessarily towards suicidal ideation).

Stay calm, stay positive, and stay involved with her feelings. If she sees that you're watching her like a hawk, you will have a harder time consoling her, and she will distance herself- neither of which will help her. She may also distance herself from you if you attempt to console her by making statements like, "you'll love again" and things of that nature. Focus on the fact that he was a good guy, and it's a shame what happened, and you're sad he's gone, etc.

The more you reinforce that you care and that you're there for her, the better off you'll all be.

And I don't know if you have, or if you had thought about it, but if you go and google teen "suicide prevention" stuff and get a couple of those "what to look for" lists that tells you the patterns of a teen contemplating suicide, take them with a grain of salt. Some of them are so ambiguous or general in their approach that a totally normal teen could check off half of the list. You also happen to be dealing with a teen who is in active depression, so you might pull up the list and be able to check off damn near everything on it, if the list is bad enough. Even good lists easily and readily give false positives in normal teens, let alone an actively depressed teen.

So, don't let it freak you out. Be calm and rational. Stay positive, but don't try to force resolution. Encourage dialog, even if it's just her sobbing and randomly managing to blurt out teary words; it's still communicating, still showing her you really care and are there for her.

Take care, and I hope you all see a good (read: within a reasonably short period of time, and thorough) recovery from this loss.
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Old 03-20-2007, 04:04 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Location: Across the way
Brew, I'm so sorry to read about this. I think you are doing the right thing by just letting your daughter know how much you love her and are there for her... and also in reaching out to the boy's family. Suicide is a horrible thing, and I have thought about it several times myself in the past, but I'm glad I never went through with it... although I know what it's like to be in that place. This isn't easy for anyone so I'll not say any more.
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