i saw this article the other day going through the archives of The Onion, i thought that this Forum might laugh as much as i did when i read it, enjoy!
Fucked Harder
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WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to reverse a "decades-long trend toward shamefully inadequate underfucking in our nation's adult-entertainment industry," a coalition of U.S. porn stars gathered in the nation's capital Monday to voice their demand to be fucked harder.
"Uggh! Come on, give me that cock, jungle stud. Fuck me! Fuck me harder!" said Jenna Jameson, co-chair of Porn Stars For Being Fucked Harder and star of Wicked Pictures' Up And Cummers #10, #11, and #17. "Deeper! Deeper! Oh, fuck."
The D.C. summit arrives on the heels of years of complaints from disgruntled female sex-industry workers, many of whom had repeatedly argued that, as cock-crazed nymphomaniacs who can never get enough, they weren't receiving the deep-dicking they needed.
"Give it to me! Oh, God, give it to me harder," said PSFBFH spokeswoman Christy Canyon, bent over the press-conference podium. "I fucking need it so bad."
Canyon's sentiments echoed those of many PSFBFH members, who are such nasty sluts that moderately hard fucking is not enough to satisfy their constant craving for hot fuck action.
As living embodiments of unrealistic male fantasies, porn stars, experts say, possess extraordinarily high libidos that cannot be satisfied by anything less than full-throttle, no-holes-barred banging. For these women, being such fantasy objects comes at a price: the near-impossibility of attaining the level of full-on pussy pounding they desire, even when lustily worked over by one or more trained professionals.
"The sexual frustration of many porn stars," said noted porn expert Bob Guccione Sr., "is further complicated by the fact that their desires often go beyond traditional vaginally penetrative sex to include a heartfelt need to be repeatedly pounded in the ass, as well."
Tiffany Mynx, PSFBFH co-chair and America's Anal Princess, agreed. "Oooh, baby," read Mynx's testimony before Congress during recent hearings on substandard fucking within the U.S. porn industry. "I want you to slide that big, hungry dick of yours all the way up my tight asshole right now."
According to congressional sources, meeting the porn stars' demands will not be easy.
"Quite simply, no man alive could give it to these wet, horny bitches in the manner they require," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). "They represent a fictional, media-created standard of sexual appetite that nobody, male or female, can possibly satiate."
Despite such skepticism on Capitol Hill, the porn stars remain fully committed to their cause.
"Fuck me!" said porn star Asia Carrera during a recent demonstration in downtown Washington. "Goddamn it, I said fuck me harder!"
