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Old 05-11-2008, 10:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
eats puppies and shits rainbows
RetroGunslinger's Avatar
Location: An Area of Space Occupied by a Population, SC, USA
Rum 'n' Diet Pepsi... A Tale of Woe

Let me begin by explaining the prelude to this humble albeit humiliating tale. Last night was the performance of our theater final exams--plays written and directed by students--which I had opted to exempt, but still ended up in as an actor. The first two that I was in went great, the audience loved me and I'm sure many wanted my cock, but that is really here nor there. The third featuring myself, which was the very last performance, was a little play called "Pudding." Now, I was two characters: Oberon from Midsummer Night's Dream and a random guy at the end. The Oberon bit, which was only one line, went nicely and was quite funny, but then the final scene, featuring myself as the guy.

The scene is a pudding pie fight. On stage. With my thick head of hair.

Needless to say, I looked like my brain had exploded by the time it was over, and had to wash out my hair in the bathroom sink, which is small and has one of those annoying five second timers. Upon washing up and changing, and missing all of the audience members outside and their usual praise (which is a lot like sex to me), I helped clean up the director's grand mess and then left, without a kiss from the Mormon or any real praise. Talk about a let down.

So, I returned home, watched the last thirty minutes of Transformers naked, and took a shower. It being about 1:00 AM at this point, I then went and [put a steak on the stove] (my parents were out of town, by the way). While it was slowly [sizzling] (never burn a good sirloin), I looked through the liquor cabinet and found my personal favorite, the Captain. Now, all I needed was coke to make this night a thousand times better.

Now, I'm not big into soda, ever since I was fired from the movie theater, so I don't keep tabs on the house supply. I go into the pantry and I see Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Pepsi.


Here I am, in need of a rum 'n' coke, and there's no Coke. Well, I'd never tried Diet Pepsi, how bad could it be? Plus, I never drink anymore, so I'm sort of desperate. I poor a small glass with 1/3 rum and 2/3 Diet Pepsi, hoping that a larger amount of Diet Pepsi will somehow make up for no coke, being that I hate plain alcohol.

Never drink rum with Diet Pepsi. It simply isn't the same, and should be outlawed.

So, that sucked, my night has already been awful, and there's no orange juice for the tequila. I eat my sirloin (which was fantastic, thank you) with a simple glass of milk, watch some Saw III, and go to bed.

This morning I wake up at about 9:30 from a call from my mom, who says they will be home in about 15 minutes. I thought they were coming back at 12:00, and I had planned via that info to go buy her Mothers Day gift at about 11:30. So, I leap out of bed, put on my fashionable clothing, feed the cats, clean the dishes, wipe off all counters, clean the litter box, and run out the door like Chev Chelios in Crank. I then drive to Target, spend about 20 minutes trying to figure out what to buy, and finally end up with an earrings/necklace combo and a cook book, and go back home.

Later, at about 1:30, my mom wakes up from a nap, I give her her present, she's all happy with my present and card (which said inside, "Don't let all of this love and affection go to your head."), and then she asks me to get her a Coke.


I walk into the pantry, in a fit of desperate and confused rage, and there, right under my nose, lying on the floor, is a box of canned Cokes.

God damn it.
It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.

M.B. Keene

Last edited by RetroGunslinger; 05-11-2008 at 05:27 PM..
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Old 05-11-2008, 11:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It!
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Location: Southern England
Mothers have secret powers of materialisation.
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine

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Old 05-11-2008, 11:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
Location: San Francisco
Haha. C'est la vie. Diet coke is useful for nothing but chasing really bad hard liquor. (..and blowing up with Mentos)
"Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A Prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded." --Abraham Lincoln
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Old 05-11-2008, 12:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: reykjavík, iceland
if you sent an army of mothers into iraq they would have found the WMD
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?
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Old 05-11-2008, 12:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
Living in a Warmer Insanity
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Location: Yucatan, Mexico
I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

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Old 05-11-2008, 01:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
I have eaten the slaw
inBOIL's Avatar
Never trust the Captain, he's bad news. After an unfortunate incident many moons ago, he and I are no longer on friendly terms. Diet Pepsi's on my list, too. After combining the two, I'm surprised your night wasn't worse.
And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.
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Old 05-11-2008, 02:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
Wise-ass Latino
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Location: Pretoria (Tshwane), RSA
How can you even combine diet anything with your drinks?
Cameron originally envisioned the Terminator as a small, unremarkable man, giving it the ability to blend in more easily. As a result, his first choice for the part was Lance Henriksen. O. J. Simpson was on the shortlist but Cameron did not think that such a nice guy could be a ruthless killer.

-From the Collector's Edition DVD of The Terminator
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Old 05-11-2008, 02:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
eats puppies and shits rainbows
RetroGunslinger's Avatar
Location: An Area of Space Occupied by a Population, SC, USA
Originally Posted by QuasiMondo
How can you even combine diet anything with your drinks?
I know nothing about diet drinks, and I was desperate. You try taking a heaping load of pudding and pie crums to your luscious thick head of hair and see what crazy shit you do.
It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.

M.B. Keene
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Old 05-11-2008, 03:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
Deliberately unfocused
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Location: Amazon.com and CDBaby
'Round here, The Captain bitch-slaps anyone with "diet" anything.

Keep being nice to your mom. That's a good boy!
"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard
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Old 05-11-2008, 04:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
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Location: upstate
"diet" doesn' mix with my luscious thick head of hair...

"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
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Old 05-11-2008, 04:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
Getting it.
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Location: Lion City
I am still reeling from the fact that you simmered a good sirloin... why would you boil good meat?
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke
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Old 05-11-2008, 04:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
eats puppies and shits rainbows
RetroGunslinger's Avatar
Location: An Area of Space Occupied by a Population, SC, USA
Originally Posted by Charlatan
I am still reeling from the fact that you simmered a good sirloin... why would you boil good meat?
That was actually an error I made, thanks for picking it up. I didn't simmer it, I fried it on the stove. I don't know why I said simmering, I suppose it sounded good at the time.
It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.

M.B. Keene
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Old 05-11-2008, 05:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Perhaps you meant sizzling.

Earlier this week I had a shot of Pyrat in flat root beer. It was the most disgusting and yet crazily spicy good drink. I dont know that I recommend it nor that I will ever have it again, I just empathize with your disappointment.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata
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diet, pepsi, rum, tale, woe

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