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Old 04-16-2011, 02:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Ive just had enough of living at home.

I'm 21, currently earning 16k pa. This will increase to arround 22k once ive completed my NVQ, which i'm having trouble with because the college have mucked things up for me. After being made redundant, but thats a story for another day. I have a bit of money saved up. I'm not doing to say how much but its proberly more than most 21 year olds! I've just had enough of living at home, and just want to get out and start my own life away from the perants.

I've told my perants that i want to move out, but theyre like no you shouldnt do that for another couple of years yet. Basicly theyre making me feel like that i should never move out. I know theyre missing my sister being around since she moved out for good 2 years ago. I guess they don't want the same to happen to me just yet.

But the thing is i have just had enough of listening to them doing like they say. And living my there rules. I just need to start out on my own. I want to live on my own before settling in with anyone.
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Old 04-16-2011, 02:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
youre an adult, you can do what you like
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Old 04-16-2011, 04:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Cynthetiq has your answer.
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Strange Famous View Post
youre an adult, you can do what you like
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan9 View Post
Cynthetiq has your answer.
By "Cynthetiq" I think you mean "Strange Famous".
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Ah, but Jazz, Cynthetiq's answer will be different because he shows his work.
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
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There's more to it than "you're an adult, you can do what you want"? I've got as big a man-crush on Cyn as anyone, but there doesn't seem much more to add than that.
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
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That's really the simplified answer, because that's what we all helped spell out in this thread.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...r-parents.html

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthetiq View Post
People have been posting things about their parents here's some common answers and responses, in most cases they will apply to you who is griping about your situations.

Their house, their rules.
Don't like it? Get a job, get an apartment and get out.

They do things that I don't agree with.
Don't like it? Get a job, get an apartment and get out. See above rule

They don't treat me like an adult...curfew, rules, etc.
If you don't act like one, why should anyone treat you as such? If you need more clarification see Their house, their rules.

They promised they would pay for...
Your parents don't owe you anything especially once you've turned 18. You are considered an adult by the eyes of the government. Act like one.

My parents are doing...
You may not like it, you may not agree with it. But they deserve to do whatever they please even if you find it illegal, immoral etc. "Do as I say and not as I do" is a perfectly good and fair statement for them to say to you.

My parents did this to me when growing up.
Short of illegal things such as molestation and abuse, they did their best, sometimes they did crappy things, you are responsible for your life.


Common answers from our community of people who care:
  • Sorry to be blunt, but if you're going to as a large and opinionated group you're going to get varied advice. And you have to be prepared for advice you might not want. But if you're asking for it.... Well, you don't have much to complain about.
  • When you pay your own bills, in other words, take on the responsibilities of an adult, then you can say you're an adult. That means rent, car payments, utilities, food, insurance, loan payments, and credit card bills, among other things. Until then, you're only an adult from the point of view of the legal system.
  • Be careful what you ask for, you might get it. Paying for college isn't fun, paying for living expenses isn't fun. With total freedom comes responsibility. Responsibility isn't hanging out with your friends until all hours, responsibility is paying bills and putting a roof over your head.
  • Making the transition between "child" and "adult" requires a bit of an adjustment. Even after you've become self-supporting, getting your parents to treat you as an adult may take some effort on all your parts.
  • Maybe they aren't giving you the leash you want because you have not proven to them that you are mature enough to handle it.
  • Maybe you need to earn the privileges instead of demanding them.
  • Whether your parents work or not is none of your concern. That is based on an agreement between your parents.
  • Maturity is not based on the number of years on the planet.
  • Make sure that you do the math about living away from your parents as it seems like you are in the mode of breaking off relations with them. Life is very expensive, can you afford doing it alone?
  • If you are using their computer, they may be able to see what you write. So don't be stupid. Also, remember that they are your family, and we are people from the internet. You may like us more, but short of marrying us, we won't be family - and you'll be dealing with your parents longer than us.

Thank you to those who contributed in the various threads these kind and helpful words of wisdom. If someone would like to contribute more, please add it at the bottom and I will update it here.
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Old 04-16-2011, 07:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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See? Dude shows his work. It's like a math question & answer. Always show your work so people can know how to reach the solution.
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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot
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Old 04-16-2011, 07:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
Sort of seems like treating your own experiences as universal to me. I think the "article" assumes too much.

The OP's parents might be complete pricks for all any of us know. "They did their best" (and other such comments) is true for some, not for others.

I think "you're an adult and you can do whatever you want" is entirely sufficient.
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hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

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Old 04-16-2011, 08:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
still, wondering.
 
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Yeah, it seems more your parents' problem than yours, supersparks. If they fear an empty nest, that isn't your responsibility. As you can & as you will.
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Old 04-16-2011, 08:37 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I've been struggling like this for over a year now. I'm worried about when i do finnally make the move that i wont beable to afford living on my own. I'm not really that certain on what things cost as such. I'm not stupid and i wont be moving out untill i've completed my apprenticeship and know that i have a garenteed job but i cant see that i wont as things stand. Just got to sort my NVQ out with the college first. I don't waste money like some of my mates. Yes i go out but by being sensible i proberly save 60-70% of what i earn.

I've spent around £500 so far in improving my employability in doing further courses to gain more qualifications to help with my career.
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Old 04-16-2011, 08:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by supersparks View Post
I'm 21, currently earning 16k pa. This will increase to arround 22k once ive completed my NVQ, which i'm having trouble with because the college have mucked things up for me. After being made redundant, but thats a story for another day. I have a bit of money saved up. I'm not doing to say how much but its proberly more than most 21 year olds! I've just had enough of living at home, and just want to get out and start my own life away from the perants.

I've told my perants that i want to move out, but theyre like no you shouldnt do that for another couple of years yet. Basicly theyre making me feel like that i should never move out. I know theyre missing my sister being around since she moved out for good 2 years ago. I guess they don't want the same to happen to me just yet.

But the thing is i have just had enough of listening to them doing like they say. And living my there rules. I just need to start out on my own. I want to live on my own before settling in with anyone.
Read the OP again. I think some are misreading this. I read it that his parents are the ones that think he is not ready to be out on his own, won't be for a while, needs sheltering and structure. He is chafing at that, but his post is hardly an anti-parent rant. He wants out, it is his parents that want him to stay.
I don't think they fear an empty nest so much as they fear supersparks leaving to soon, the fledgling hopping out of the nest too soon.
I can't believe it. I'm sounding like some kind of social worker.
And what is an NVQ?

Lindy
Note: Written before readings supersparks post right above mine.

Last edited by Lindy; 04-16-2011 at 08:43 AM..
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Old 04-16-2011, 08:49 AM   #13 (permalink)
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National vocational qualification. I'm training to be an electrician. Once i complete the NVQ pretty much fully qualified. But since being made redundant last september the college have decided that they can no longer fund it for me and saying, i should pay £1150 now to complete it or risk starting from scratch that could taker a further 2 years. I have my unions on the case and theyre trying to sort things out for me. I feel like the college is trying to conn me.
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Old 04-16-2011, 12:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Strange Famous View Post
The OP's parents might be complete pricks for all any of us know. "They did their best" (and other such comments) is true for some, not for others.
They did the best they could. "Could" being key word, but covers all. Maybe their parents were even bigger pricks, so it really does pertain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by supersparks
I'm worried about when i do finnally make the move that i wont beable to afford living on my own. I'm not really that certain on what things cost as such.
It sounds as though you love your parents but would like their approval. Nothing wrong with that. But, if you're worried, don't you think it's natural that your parents are worried?

Been through this once and it's beginning to happen for the second time. Here's what I've advised both so far, and it seems to have worked well.

Find out what expenses will be. Will you have a roommate or rent your own place? Go look at apartments, check ads for roommates. Get the numbers you need. Ask friends what they pay for electric, gas, water, etc. Don't forget auto expenses, cleaning supplies, shelving, possibly furniture, clothing, sundries, food and even entertainment. You should be able to come up with a reasonable estimate.

Once you have these numbers, work out a budget. When you subtract your expenses from your (take home pay) income, what's left? What will you be
committing to saving? Do you have a fall back, maybe something you can do to earn extra money when an expected raise doesn't come through, car breaks down or whatever Murphy's Law comes along?

Once you have these details worked out, show it to your parents. Then you can show them you've thought it out and have the maturity to show it to them and even ask for advice. At this point, they'll be a lot more willing to trust you and let you go.
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Old 04-19-2011, 04:42 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Ask your parents to sit down with you and go through what all the living costs are - gas, electric, water, insurance, etc. I am sure you are pulling your weight on this at home and may have already done this so you can contribute fairly. Perhaps they are worried about the loss of income if you leave their home - but there are always students looking for digs, and I suspect some parents may be happier for their kids to move into a home type enviroment - so they could always rent your room. Perhaps you could suggest this.
As to the college ripping you off - it was your employer that agreed to pay the fees I take it, and I take it they have renaged upon that deal, the college is out of pocket perhaps? Find out if all your fees were paid up front for starters. If they have had the money, they should provide the service - provided they were not entitled to a refund.
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Old 04-19-2011, 08:06 AM   #16 (permalink)
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As for my nvq

As soon as i start my NVQ the college gets paid X amount and once again when im completed by the government. it is 100% (or should be) paid for, for any one starting under 21 which i did. And 50% paid for for 21-24 year old.

My ILP basicly a contract between myself the college and Employer. States that if i loose my job i need to find another employer within 6 months. Which is fair enough. I found an employer within 1 months, (very lucky in the climate.) But for various reasons he got rid of me just before 4 months.

The college knew i was employed, but never went out and signed any paper work ect.. I have proof ive emailed the college informing them of my employment there. 2.5 weeks after leaving him i started with a new employer where i still am and very happy with them.

I Sent an email to the college and recieved an email back the next day asking for contact details of my new employer which i gave instantly to them. I gave it a couple of weeks. before phoning the college where i was told that i have been removed from the NVQ frame work. The only way back for me is to pay £750. Dont get me wrong i will pay the £750 if i have to to complete my training, but why should i?

My ILP states that i need to find employment with 6 months. Even if you dont count the employment where i was for 4 months i still found employment in 6 months. If that makes sense.

The college have recived some of the payment from the government. And if i wern't made redundant i would never had to have paid anything to the college. I know the college is in trouble fiancially but it seems as if theyre trying to conn me out of money.
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Old 04-19-2011, 08:35 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Ok, so if the financial benefits living at home are not outweighing the annoyance of putting up with your parents, and you can reasonably afford it without causing yourself hardship, move out. If they are, stay home. Done.

If there are a few legacy rules from growing up that you feel are no longer appropriate (curfew?) and they are the main sticking point with you, sit down and have a polite adult-to-adult discussion with your parents asking to renegotiate certain house rules. However, be aware that this could result in adult-to-adult rent being charged if you do it poorly or if you come off sounding like you're entitled to X, Y, and Z.

If they're really worried about empty nest syndrome, I'm sure they give you some flexibility to keep you from moving on.

All this talk about your college is irrelevant to the discussion and distracting from the primary point, unless you're trying to say you might not be able to afford to move out anyways, in which case, this whole discussion is moot.
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Old 04-19-2011, 10:31 AM   #18 (permalink)
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i know the college talk is irrilivant thats why i said earlier on lets save that for another day. But people kept asking me questions.
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Old 04-19-2011, 10:38 AM   #19 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
Ok... but you really can look at it this way.

You are 21 years old. If you want to move out your parents cant stop you.

If they are encouraging you not to, its because they think they know better than you whats best for you, that you should wait till full time employment, or settle the issues around your NVQ, whatever...

They can give you advise. You can choose to take it.

Personally, at age 18 I didnt have the option to stay at home or not... so you could look at it that you're better off than that. At least you are in a position to choose.
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