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Old 02-21-2004, 10:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Greatest ass-kicking in history

So, what would you consider the greatest ass-kicking in history?

I’d say the Battle of Thermopolae. THREE HUNDRED Spartans took on the greatest army on earth; that of the God-King Xerxes II. When it was over, the Spartans had killed TENS OF THOUSANDS of Persian soldiers. Though the 300 were eventually killed, the monumental can of whoopass they opened crippled the Persian army and sent them packing. Xerxes was never able to clean the poop-stains out of his royal pants.


So, what’s you favorite tale of historical ass-kicking? The Battle of Little Bighorn? Boom-Boom Mancini vs. Duk Koo Kim? The Enola Gay vs. Hiroshima? Hannibal’s first scrap with the Romans? C’mon! Tell it!
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Old 02-21-2004, 10:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I forget the name of it, but the battle in which the Athenians slaughtered the Spartan fleet by trapping them. If I remember correctly that was pretty cool and caused them to win against the odds.
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Old 02-21-2004, 10:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Kursk

World War II.

Basically, a million Russians squared off against about a million Germans in a field over a few days. Each soldier on each side knew that it was a battle to the death. Neither side took prisoners. Imagine what that must have felt like? Knowing that you were pretty much assured to die.

At the end of the day, a few Russians were still standing, so there were the victors.

The Russians lost more that single battle than the United States has ever lost in every war it has ever fought combined. Something to think about.
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Old 02-21-2004, 11:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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GWBush vs. the US Constitution! Ouch...oh wait, dont mean to thread jack.


well to get some honorble mentions out of the way...

the battle of troy
moses vs. the egyptians.


ps./ really cool thread topic!
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Old 02-21-2004, 11:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I think you have your facts a bit wrong there Clavus, here's an entry on the battle of Thermopylae from wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Thermopylae
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Old 02-22-2004, 07:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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The first ass-kicking that came to mind was the battle of Austerlitz.

Quote:
At the Battle of Austerlitz (December 2, 1805), during Napoleonic War of the Third Coalition, a French force of approximately 73,000 under Napoleon decisively defeated a joint Russo-Austrian force of over 89,000, commanded by Russian General Kutuzov with General von Weyrother commanding the Austrian contingent. The Battle of Austerlitz followed on Napoleon's significant defeat of the Austrian General Mack at Ulm . In an unprecedentedly (for that era) rapid concentration of French forces, Napoleon essentially defeated Mack by maneuver, resulting in the surrender of a major Austrian force protecting the northern approach to Vienna, and subsequently leading to the capture of the Austrian capital.

Napoleon used an unusual flanking maneuver at Austerlitz. When Kutuzov's forces attacked, Napoleon allowed his right flank to weaken somewhat before strengthening it with reinforcements to keep it from collapsing. While the enemy was busy hammering away at the right flank, Napoleon ordered a direct frontal assault by 17,000 troops on the now-weakened center. Kutuzov's forces, who had expected French counterattacks to be flanking side maneuvers, were surprised at the frontal attack, and the center was routed after heavy fighting. With the center broken, the Russo-Austrian armies on the side flanks were cut off from each other, and soon those armies also retreated.

The French suffered 9,000 casualties and the Russo-Austrian armies lost about 25,000 men that where killed, wounded or captured. The Russians withdrew from Austria and the Austrians signed the Treaty of Pressburg (26 December 1805), conceding substantial territories to the French.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Austerlitz
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Old 02-22-2004, 08:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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How about this? Lord vs Sennacherib:

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From II Kings 19:32-37
32 Therefore thus saith the LORD concerning the king of Assyria, He shall not come into this city, nor shoot an arrow there, nor come before it with shield, nor cast a bank against it.
33 By the way that he came, by the same shall he return, and shall not come into this city, saith the LORD.
34 For I will defend this city, to save it, for mine own sake, and for my servant David's sake.
35 And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.
36 So Sennacherib king of Assyria departed, and went and returned, and dwelt at Nineveh.
37 And it came to pass, as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword: and they escaped into the land of Armenia. And Esarhaddon his son reigned in his stead.
Not only did Adonai wipe out 180,000 people overnight, but he also made the guy's sons kill him. That's a serious ass whippin'.
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Old 02-22-2004, 08:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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The Battle of Cannae was quite an ass kicking too. With around 80,000 Romans killed against Cathagenian forces, it was the worst defeat in Roman history.
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Old 02-22-2004, 08:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Maybe Hernando Cortes vs The Aztecs?

I dont know enough about military history to be sure, but he basically (with the aid of an allied tribe I wont even try and spell!) destroyed an entire culture and civilisation - and he didnt do it out of hate, or rage, or even the desire to conquer, but out of love of God, which is the scariest thing.
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Old 02-22-2004, 08:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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[edit] I was going to say something sarcastic but


I think the point of an "ass kicking" battle really is sickening.. because you get cases like when the Italians invaded Ethiopia during WWII where it was tanks against spears.


Um, gee that was glorious.

Last edited by Astrocloud; 02-22-2004 at 08:55 AM..
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Old 02-22-2004, 08:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
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[sarcasm]Didn't the Jews get their asses kicked pretty bad in WWII?[/sarcasm]
5.6 million

then again, more Russians died than Jews, but mostly in rather different circumstances. Personally, none of my immediate relations died in death camps, but one of my grandfathers spent two years in a concentration camp in France and was half starved there.
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Old 02-22-2004, 09:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Even Battles like Thermopolae -the Spartans were raised from childhood to be warriors and the Persians were whipping slaves into battle...

Now think about that -the Persians would conquer a region and take men captive in order to make them slaves to fight professional solders.

Sure Xerxes supposedly had a great team of archers that would suppposedly 'blot out the sun with their arrows'. But think about what motivated the slaves to fight versus what motivated the Spartans. Hmmm... is it still glorious or possibly (with clear hindsight) obvious that the Spartans would hold them off?

Furthermore it seems like a tragedy that men were made slaves -just to be slaughtered by the Spartans. I don't know... I question the glory of every battle.

Last edited by Astrocloud; 02-22-2004 at 09:18 AM..
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Old 02-22-2004, 09:29 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Old 02-22-2004, 10:33 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I got into a fight once with a guy I didn't like, and I sent him home with a bloody nose and to the hospital to repair one of his nuts. Will that work?

On topic though, I think the Battle of Troy was pure ass-kicking.
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Old 02-22-2004, 11:41 AM   #15 (permalink)
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The SAS vs the terrorists in the Iranian embassy...you never EVER want to screw with the SAS.
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Old 02-22-2004, 12:33 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Well, the first thing that popped in my head was the Columbine High School shooting but...


You know what... No. I'm gonna say it. My favorite ass-kicking was the Columbine High School shooting. Even with as unpopular I'm gonna be for saying that I don't care. If you all can point out a battle in a war where people died and more people suffered from then I'm gonna point out the one battle in the war between popular and unpopular where the unpopular finaly said, "Fuck you, I'm in charge now." It was a huge heads up for the entire world. Leave people the fuck alone.
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Old 02-22-2004, 12:35 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Spetznaz

Dont EVER fuck with them

Read in a magazine one where these idiots held hostages in a building for like 11 hours or something.
Spetznaz wasnt even called in but showed up and called for one of the terrorists to come out and negotiate

They chopped off his head and threw it back in with a note stuck in the head by knife that said something like surrender if you dont want to end up like him

They were about to surrender but the spetznaz stormed the place and killed them all anyways.

Asskicking, no, this was anal rape.
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Old 02-22-2004, 12:45 PM   #18 (permalink)
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The Soviet Union in WWII, because of stupid ideologies from above (ie capture this city by a certain date, and hold this city at all costs, etc), skilled commanders were made to sacrifice young conscripts by the thousands. As a result an estimated 20 million Soviets (mostly males) lost their lives.

That, and Alexander The Great at the battle of Gaugamela, where he defeated the largest Persian army, on a plain, with his battle hardendend Macedonians. Even when outnumbered, and facing shock tactics (such as a Scythed chariot charge, right in the beggening of the battle), the skilled Macedonians went on to rout Darius' forces. Even though Darius managed to flee the battle, Alexander captured his family. So the battle of Gaugamela is seen as the turning point in Alexanders' war on Persia.

PS there is a monument at Thermopolae to the dead Spartans, to this day.
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Old 02-22-2004, 12:51 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Asskicking, no, this was anal rape.
I bet it successfully sent a message, though. You seem to have received it.
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Old 02-22-2004, 01:00 PM   #20 (permalink)
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July, 1863. Gettysburg.


Little Round Top - On July 3rd, what was left of regiment under the command of Lt. Col. Joshua Chamblerlain, about 150 guys, held the tail end of the Union lines against an attack by a much, much larger confederate force that was trying to go around the Union main lines and attack from the rear, after defending their post through about three enemy charges, Chamberlain, low on ammunition, orders a fucking bayonet charge. the confederates are thoroughly spanked.

Picket's Charge - on July 4th, 3 whole divisions of Confederate troops, about 15,000 soldiers, charged across a mile long section of field, obstructed by fences, and gets completely ripped apart by Union artillery. It signals the beginning of the downfall of the confederacy.
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Old 02-22-2004, 05:14 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Britains war with Zanzibar lasted all of 13minutes.

i reckon the Zanzibar army took one look at the massive colonial fleet that had come to the party and they thought, "fuck this...".

no lives were lost, but i believe it remains the fastest battle in history.
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Old 02-22-2004, 06:02 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Troy
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Old 02-22-2004, 06:09 PM   #23 (permalink)
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B52 crew vs Japanese city of your choice.
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Old 02-22-2004, 06:15 PM   #24 (permalink)
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We're talking Custer's last stand here, people.
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Old 02-22-2004, 08:58 PM   #25 (permalink)
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What about The Alamo? A generic response, but I remember my high school World Cultures teacher telling us that each soldier defending the Alamo killed an average of 17 men each at that battle.

-Lasereth
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Old 02-22-2004, 09:13 PM   #26 (permalink)
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agincourt

7000 english

24000+ french

Do not charge longbow lines
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Old 02-22-2004, 09:27 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Being from Texas, the Alamo. It's deeper then what you think, but I guess so is every battle.
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Old 02-22-2004, 10:16 PM   #28 (permalink)
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ok I'm a movie freak not a history buff so I'm saying piper versus keith david in They Live. C'mon they based the south park cripple fight on it.
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Old 02-22-2004, 11:27 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Some of you are confusing epic battles with ass-kickings

Anyway, I will say my favorite ass-kicking has GOT to be Gulf War I.

Those asshat Iraqi's didn't even know what the hell hit them.
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Old 02-22-2004, 11:30 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Fire
agincourt

7000 english

24000+ french

Do not charge longbow lines
Ah ha!

Don't charge longbow lines when all your guys are in armor that gets stuck in the vast pool of mud you chose to fight in, and if you happen to fall face-forward into that mud, you suffocate or drown. The longbowmen weren't weighed down, and their cloth clothing didn't get stuck in the mud.

Oh, and don't let nobility choose the gameplan. leave that to actual generals.
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Old 02-23-2004, 12:58 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Custer at the Battle of the Little Bighorn.
Ass.handed.to.him!
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Old 02-23-2004, 01:34 AM   #32 (permalink)
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battle of dien bien phu, french lost to vietnamse, ended their control of the southeast. goddamn i hated french. They are the reason why there's communism in vietnam.
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Old 02-23-2004, 05:18 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by bundy
Britains war with Zanzibar lasted all of 13minutes.

i reckon the Zanzibar army took one look at the massive colonial fleet that had come to the party and they thought, "fuck this...".

no lives were lost, but i believe it remains the fastest battle in history.

actually it lasted 1 hour 40 min, from when the first message was sent till the flag was raised.

SHORTEST WAR IN HISTORY
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Old 02-23-2004, 05:21 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Minotauro vs Bob Sapp.
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Old 02-23-2004, 06:24 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Quote:
Maybe Hernando Cortes vs The Aztecs?
Yeah, I finally agree with SF on something. Dont remember exactly how many, but a few hundred soldiers conquored an empire of about 6million.

Other than that Agincourt, Gaugamela, Thermopolae, all definately need to be mensioned. Kursk was stated but that battle was in no way one sided, epic yes, but not an ass whoopin.

Though I do believe Midway must be mensioned, and sadly hasn't been yet. It was THE turning point in the Pacific campaign, where the US Navy went patched over the bleeding wound after Pearl and smashed the Japanese Army so hard they never fully recovered.

There are tons of other lesser known battles that I could mension but only a handful of you would know what I'm talking about, so I'll leave them out.
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Old 02-23-2004, 06:28 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I guess it really depends on what kind of ass kicking you mean. Total number of casualties vs viciousness of the battle. Probably an ancient roman army + barbarian of the day would win for Viciousness.
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Old 02-23-2004, 07:00 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura in 1993.
The batter charged the mound, and for once, a pitcher just kicked the batter's ass. Forget the no hitters and strike outs- this is what made him a legend.





As for true Battles, though not as decisive as those mentioned above, the Battle of Tours was probably one of the great turning points in history. I won't look it up, but I bet the details can be found on the internet somewhere. In about the mid 700's a.d., the Germans defeated the Muslim armies, and prevented the Islamic expansion from continuing to Europe. It was one of the few instances where midevil infantry, with the help of winter cold, defeated cavalry, and thank goodness.

Last edited by dy156; 02-23-2004 at 07:16 AM..
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Old 02-23-2004, 07:20 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Re: Greatest ass-kicking in history

Quote:
Originally posted by clavus
So, what would you consider the greatest ass-kicking in history?

I’d say the Battle of Thermopolae. THREE HUNDRED Spartans took on the greatest army on earth; that of the God-King Xerxes II. When it was over, the Spartans had killed TENS OF THOUSANDS of Persian soldiers. Though the 300 were eventually killed, the monumental can of whoopass they opened crippled the Persian army and sent them packing. Xerxes was never able to clean the poop-stains out of his royal pants.


So, what’s you favorite tale of historical ass-kicking? The Battle of Little Bighorn? Boom-Boom Mancini vs. Duk Koo Kim? The Enola Gay vs. Hiroshima? Hannibal’s first scrap with the Romans? C’mon! Tell it!
Molon Labe, bitches. That's easily the greatest response ever in the history of mankind. "Lay down your arms" "Come and get them (molon labe)."

You don't fuck with that.
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Old 02-23-2004, 07:20 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Gotta be The battle of Stalingrad. Some 400,000 Soviets were killed while 300,000 Germen killed or captured.
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Old 02-23-2004, 07:28 AM   #40 (permalink)
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the Germans defeated the Muslim armies, and prevented the Islamic expansion from continuing to Europe.
Um.. I do believe it was French. The Song of Roland was a Fench song basically bragginb about the battle. But if you include that as one of the most influencail battles, you need to include the defeat of the Turks through Serbia as well. Well, they never really defeated the Turks, the attrition on both sides caused the raids to come to a close.
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