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Old 05-01-2009, 10:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New relationship, how much info is too much ?

I have often been asked by a new man if I have ever cheated on a ex and if I have ever had a bi sexual experience, I have cheated and have experimented but I dont want to reveal this at the start , I dont want a new man to think I will cheat on him because I cheated on someone in the past , and usually thats how men think . and I dont like revealing my sexual past and masturbation and what not, but I have found that men get pissed off when I dont want to answer a question, its like damned if I do and damned if I dont , should I just lie ? and also, I have had many relationships and I dont want to come off as a slut , do I reveal how many guys Ive dated or just pretend there were 4 of them , ? Im confused because I believe in honesty but I dont want to be judged for my past , I want to find the right one and settle down .
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Old 05-02-2009, 09:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It sounds like you know your comfort-zone quite well. Consider explaining this to him straightforward, as you did in your thread. Maybe something along the lines of ... "I'm a little uncomfortable sharing my intimate experiences or thoughts with you this early in our relationship". And if he does get upset, you may want to ask yourself if you really want to continue a serious relationship with him.

No one has to be a completely 'open book'. I think it's important to retain our individuality, and sometimes that means keeping intimate thoughts and experiences to ourselves.
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Old 05-02-2009, 02:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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good idea, yeah i have to agree
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Old 05-02-2009, 03:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I usually go with the "answer a question with a question."

"Why do you want to know?" Ask in the same tone that he uses when he asks you. Chances are, he'll back away at that point. If he doesn't, then go with the statement above. If a man can't let it go, that's a red flag in my book.
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Old 05-02-2009, 05:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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My worry would be that if a new guy asks me if I've ever cheated, he's hoping to justify fooling around on me. I'd probably just start out with saying that I was uncomfortable sharing so soon (as Taja suggested). If he persisted though then I would possibly even respond with my version of a question..."Why would you even want to know that this? Do you have plans to cheat yourself?" If you put them on the defensive they may back down very quickly. Otherwise I would wonder if the idea of a woman being naughty that way turns him on. Still, even if that's the case it would be a red flag that he's not trustworthy.
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Old 05-04-2009, 01:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I definitely agree with Taja - if you're not comfortable answering a question say so, if the guy is trying to force out information you're not comfortable giving him that is a huge red flag.

If you're trying to make light of the situation say something along the lines of "and here I was expecting a question about my favourite colour or food or something" or even just "I'll tell you when you're older"

I wouldn't lie because then when / if you do decide you like this man at some point you are going to want to tell him the truth and then you're caught in a trap of your own making.
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Old 05-04-2009, 12:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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+1 to what Taja and Shaindra said.
It may be that the new man may have been hurt in that way in a previous relationship. I know most men would probably be more hurt by the bisexual part of this question, since for you to "cheat" with another woman would especially call his "manhood" into question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernGirl View Post
I have often been asked by a new man if I have ever cheated on a ex and if I have ever had a bi sexual experience....
If you are really "often asked" then you could help yourself by trying to improve the QUALITY while reducing the NUMBER of your partners
and I dont like revealing my sexual past and masturbation and what not, but I have found that men get pissed off when I dont want to answer a question, its like damned if I do and damned if I dont....What Taja said -- stand your ground!

...and also, I have had many relationships and I dont want to come off as a slut.... if you move easily from barstool to bedroom, you will come off as a slut...whether you are or not
...Im confused because I believe in honesty but I dont want to be judged for my past, ...I was not only a slut, but a slut in a small town. It was very hard for me to live down that reputation. I don't live there anymore, but when I go back to visit there are still guys that remember "Easy Lindy" from fifteen years ago.
...I want to find the right one and settle down .
But guys outgrow that slutty stage too. If you can find a guy that wants to settle down that would be great! But if you are "easy" with him, he'll think you're easy with every guy. Trust me on this. I've travelled that road.

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Old 05-05-2009, 02:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raeanna74 View Post
My worry would be that if a new guy asks me if I've ever cheated, he's hoping to justify fooling around on me.
Or maybe the guy was cheated on by his wife or girlfriend, in a previous relationship, and it hurt him so bad and screwed him up so much, he wants to make sure it never happens again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hyacinthe View Post
I definitely agree with Taja - if you're not comfortable answering a question say so, if the guy is trying to force out information you're not comfortable giving him that is a huge red flag.
It's also a huge red flag if someone is uncomfortable answering the question, "Have you ever cheated?" Because, most people who have never cheated would simply answer, "No," and be done with that.

BTW, I'm not casting stones at NorthernGirl, here, who has admitted that she has cheated on an ex, in her past. See, I too have cheated on an ex, in my past. And I too have been asked by a subsequent person that I had just started dating, the question, "Have you ever cheated?" To which I replied, "Yes, I have. It was years ago, and it was a huge mistake. I'm deeply sorry that I did it, and I intend never to cheat again." Was I uncomfortable having to say that? Yes, very. But then I said, "Why was this important enough to you, for you to ask such a deeply personal question, so soon in our relationship?"

EDIT: Oops! I just realized this thread is in the Ladies Lounge. Sorry, ladies (and mod's).

Last edited by Cynosure; 05-06-2009 at 09:56 AM..
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Old 06-22-2009, 03:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaindra View Post
I usually go with the "answer a question with a question."

"Why do you want to know?" Ask in the same tone that he uses when he asks you. Chances are, he'll back away at that point. If he doesn't, then go with the statement above. If a man can't let it go, that's a red flag in my book.
To me, this is a good way to deal with it, depending on the question. You don't have to disclose more than you're comfortable with. Like other users have said, stand your ground. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, why would you want to be with him anyway?

I believe that some things should be kept to yourself, they don't need to know every last detail about you. It's nice if you can find someone you can trust to such a great level, but most times, you're just giving them ammo for when things go awry. That's my experience anyway. Until someone comes along who shows me they can be mature enough not to turn on me when there are relationship problems in sight, I am only telling them my most private issues on a 'need-to-know basis'. Not that I have that many, but we all have our skeletons.
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Old 06-22-2009, 03:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
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...i would turn the question around and put HIM in the hotseat. I'd ask "Why? Have YOU cheated before?" That'll teach him to think twice before asking a private question too soon in the relationship, if at all.

...to answer the question with, "i'm not comfortable with answering that" is as good as a "Yes"...why else would you be uncomfortable?

...then immediately ask him about his car or monday night football or how many remote controls he has and you'll be instantly off the hook...haha
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Old 06-22-2009, 10:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I sympathize. I've lead a life rich in mistakes and misadventures, most of which don't song real great on a first date--I've had a fair number of sexual partners, I've cheated, I've been the other woman, etc. I regret none of my choices, and yet I don't necessarily want to share them straight out the gate.

In the end, I've found honesty is usually the best policy. I explained my infidelity in the best way I knew how--it was an extremely complicated situation, it was at the very end of the relationship, and I have never done it before or since. Right or wrong, they were my choices, and they are in my past.
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Old 06-23-2009, 03:20 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Any information you don't feel like revealing is too much. But you have some tools at your disposal.

Humor. Roll your eyes and say, "I've had some doozy dates/boyfriends/relationships, but really I'd rather wait until we are at the 'sharing how we lost our virginity' stage of our relationship to get into all that. It's not that interesting anyway." Then change the subject. If he persists, use deflection, sincerity or your Last Resort.

Deflection. Widen your eyes and say, "Oh, do I have a cheating story for you!" Then launch into an either real or fictional story, funny hopefully. If he persists, use humor, sincerity or your Last Resort.

Sincerity. Kinda scrunch your eyes and say, "I'm really enjoying my time getting to know you. How about we wait for all the "past relationship" talks for a little while. I'd much rather (insert an activity you both enjoy)". If he persists, use humor, deflection or your Last Resort.

Last Resort. Lie. Yes, I said lie. If you tell the truth, explaining the surrounding circumstances and how it happened etc. is going to reveal much more about you than the actual answer of 'yes'. The more you try to explain and justify, the deeper you are going to dig yourself.

So, now you've lied. What do you do? Simply stop thinking about it. It's not a big deal. There are 3 possible outcomes. A) the relationship goes nowhere, you never see him again, so him knowing your personal history as a lie means nothing B) you both fall totally head over heels in love and 6 months or a year later, the opportunity presents itself and you tell the truth, though unnecessary, you do anyway C) you both fall totally head over heels in love and you never reveal the truth.

Is this a life altering lie? No. Does it change who you are as a person? No. Does it change the dynamic of your relationship? No.

I'm all for honesty in a relationship, it's necessary and the foundation of the trust, but don't underestimate the power of wrapping up private parts of yourself and keeping them just there, for yourself. As long as you are true to the person you are with, and don't run around spouting lies every other sentence, a well placed fib will serve you better than spilling your guts.

Where your pitfalls are is any statement by you that leaves him with the only logical reply of "Why?" Saying your uncomfortable answering questions will only lead him to wonder why and that isn't good.

Answering his question with a question is only going to lead him to the logical responses of "because I'm curious, I dunno I just want to know or the simple shrug of the shoulders and I dunno" or worse he may launch into his own tawdry past that you are not ready to hear, it totally changes your perception of him before you've had the opportunity to get to know him thereby giving you information that may scare you off now, but 6 months into the relationship it wouldn't be a big deal.

New relationships aren't necessarily about full disclosure. Be yourself, be the person you are now, in this relationship, not how he perceives you were last year or 10 years ago by you revealing too much.
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