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Old 08-08-2003, 07:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
Upright
 
Jealousy??

My boyfriend of almost year still talks to his ex. This wouldnt bother me if i didnt know that she still likes him, and has tried numerous times to get him back. I have a hard time trusting mike (my bf) with her because i know that they messed around after the broke up, and continued to while we started dating. (i found out about this later. he didnt seem to care about my feelings towards it) he says he has no interest in kelly, but he still continues to talk to her frequently. ive never made my opinion known to him (which is obvious... i want him to get rid of her) because i dont want to start a fight. but i would like to know... do i have a right to be wary? how can i tell him that this is tearing me apart? please advise me!
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Old 08-08-2003, 08:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Sydney, Australia
Hi Girl,

I think the problem is not so much that she still likes him, if you're with him he must have some likeable qualities right? The problem is that you don't trust him. If you trusted him, his talking to the ex wouldn't be a problem.

You don't trust him because you feel that at the start of the relationship he cheated on you with her, so what's to stop him doing it again? (correct me if I'm wrong).

I think you need to sit him down and talk to him, and yes, explain how you feel about his continued relationship with the ex.

Also, boys are notoriously thick at times and they can't read minds, he may think he's got the coolest g/f in the world because she lets him hang out with his ex. You have to let him know how you feel and see how the cookie crumbles.

You could ask him how he'd feel if you still hung around with an ex b/f. You could appeal to his ego and come out with the truth and say "Honey, I don't like you talking so much with that girl, it makes me jealous especially since I know you both continued things for awhile after breaking up". Don't start blaming him because it will probably put him on the defensive and you won't get anywhere.

Good luck with it Girl.
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Old 08-08-2003, 08:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Chicagoland
I think you know the answer, it's just one you don't want to face at the moment. Here's the facts as you stated them:

Your bf frequently talks to his ex gf.
He fooled around with her while you were dating.
When he found out that you knew that he'd been unfaithful, he didn't seem to care about your feelings.
This is tearing you apart, but you don't want to start a fight by bringing it up?!

If something that your bf is doing is tearing you apart, what about your relationship makes you afraid that you'll start a fight if you tell him?
There's something not quite right here. You should be able to openly share your fears/concerns with him. You should not have to walk on eggshells fearing you'll start a fight.

You asked how to tell him it is tearing you apart. I would start with explaining your feelings of discomfort about his talking to the ex.
Does he still not seem to care? Or can he honestly reassure you that yes, he cares and no he has nothing going on with her?
The way he reacts to you explaining your feelings (vs. accusing ) will tell you a lot about the value he places on your relationship.
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Old 08-08-2003, 10:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Southern California
Just give him in ultimatum? But then again, that just may drive him to cheat again... I don't know about this. I personally wouldn't have kept dating him if I'd known he slept with her when we were first dating.
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Old 08-09-2003, 05:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
Crazy
 
I can definatly understand where you are coming from. My situation is similar but I do trust my boyfriend and the only problem is that I'm a naturally jealous person no matter how hard I try to change it. The only way I was able to trust him was by talking with him. He needed to be completly honest with me and I had to be completly honest with him in return and not worry about what would happen.

I think the biggest red flag with this came up when you tried to talk to him about it he didn't seem to care about your feelings. No matter what your situation is at the moment, how is your relationship going to work or progress if he is not worried about your feelings?
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Old 08-09-2003, 01:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
SiN
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Location: ...more here than there...
Double D said it better than i ever could.

hit the head on the nail, methinks. ..

good luck
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Old 08-09-2003, 03:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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yep, i agree with Double D as well...
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Old 08-11-2003, 02:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
so many men...so little time.
 
Location: Bellingham
Me too! Reality sucks sometimes but if you don't face it now, and the relationship proceeds into something more, as in marriage, and he does it again...well..you see my point...
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Old 08-11-2003, 08:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Well.. there's two ways to go about this.. you could tell him to stop talking to her.. but really you probably waited too long for that.. your second option is to give him reasons why it bothers you.. not in a crazy way.. be reasonable and explain your feelings using facts and situations.. that way he will have less of a chance to make you feel bad.
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Old 08-12-2003, 02:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Seattle
sometimes things are worth starting a fight for... although i think you should've dumped him when he didn't care about your feelings about him basically cheating on you.
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Old 08-12-2003, 04:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
Upright
 
hmm... all great advice... but can i just kick him in the balls instead?? shew
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