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Old 08-12-2003, 05:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
Location: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Commuter marriages/LDRs

I'm in one. I love Mr. Cedar with all my heart, but it's not fun. I am lucky enough to be married to a wonderful man who supports me in my career, but because he's in school in a city where I couldn't find a job, I had to move hundreds of miles away.

Is anyone else here in this situation? If so, how does it affect your relationship? Your sex life? Has it put any kind of major life plans on hold?

How do you meet up with your husband/S.O.? Do you enjoy the time you spend with each other, or does it sometimes feel like just one more stress? Got any advice? It looks like Mr. Cedar and I will be apart for at least the next year and a half, and we've been living apart for six months.
Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
I am large. I contain multitudes.

-Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
Cedar is offline  
Old 08-12-2003, 06:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
Location: Earth
Do you mind if I ask the background on your relationship? Or could point me to where it lies on TFP?

(Pardon my obvious newbie-status)
ktthequeen is offline  
Old 08-12-2003, 07:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
Location: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Originally posted by ktthequeen
Do you mind if I ask the background on your relationship? Or could point me to where it lies on TFP?

(Pardon my obvious newbie-status)

Hey, it's all right. I'm a newbie too. Should have been more specific.

Last winter, we moved to a new city together. He enrolled at the university, and I figured I'd temp until I got a job in my profession. Problem was, temping was practically nonexistant, and since I'm a public librarian, my job is dependent on the economy. City Library was in bad financial straits and not hiring, so it came down to either I leave City and Mr. Cedar, or leave the profession. Mr. Cedar told me to go wherever I could get a job in my profession, so I ended up moving to another state. We now see each other about once a month at his parent's house, which is sort of halfway between the two of us.

Hope that clears things up. Feel free to ask me anything else.
Cedar is offline  
Old 08-12-2003, 07:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
Location: Earth
Well ok then. I suck for advice.

My last relationship was with a man who lived 200 miles away (damned far enough if you ask me) and it was stressful enough and we weren't even married (that just adds more stress). But, we tried to put that all aside when we actually did see each other.

Eventually he got a job 4 hours more away and then, well I moved 1500 miles away from where HE was so we just kinda ended it. I really wish I hadn't said I couldn't do long-distance, but at this point in my life, I just can't.

However, I comfort myself knowing that since he's a pilot, he flies into town periodically.

that obviously (at least I don't think) doesn't apply to your situation, but even the thought of seeing him cheers me up instantly. I'd say, just think of all the good memories you have and the memories you will make in the future. Whennever you get down, remember, he's only a phone call away. Only one memory away.

Also, keep in mind that only seeing each other once a month is a lot more than some couples do and that you should definately (as I'm sure you do) completely cherish those times together!!

Remember that cheesy saying "abscene only makes the heart grow fonder"? Yeah. It's true

Hang in there!!
ktthequeen is offline  
Old 08-12-2003, 10:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
Location: Home.
I'm in a situation like that right now. I won't be able to see my husband until January. This is the longest I've ever been away from him and I miss him so much. I depend on him for everything and it's hard having to go without him.
The thing that helps the most is the internet. I can talk to him for a couple of hours every day. I think my being gone puts some strain on our relationship (but more because of past issues), but nothing that seriously hurts us. Our sex life is still pretty good. Thank god for digital cameras! I think I've had more...um...fun by myself lately than in the last month we were together. And I know when I get back it's going to be amazing. And as for future plans; it's only really put one life decision on hold for me. And the expeince I'm having now will effect my feelings on that so I might not know until I get back, anyway.
Someday, someone will best me.
But it won't be today, and it won't be you.
Jonsgirl is offline  
Old 08-13-2003, 02:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
Location: who the fuck cares?
Cedar, I really feel your pain. I've had several LDRs, and they usually sucked. But I am now involved in a much different LDR.

For those who were unaware of who my S.O. is, redravin40 is the man I will be marrying next year (see http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...&threadid=3701). We met here, on TFP. Started off as just acquaintances, and it grew into the relationship we have now. Yes, we've spent time in person with each other, so it's not just an Internet romance.

Our major obstacle right now is the distance. Redravin40 lives over 7000 miles (by car) and 4 time zones away. We spend as much time on the phone as possible (thank goodness for free nights and weekends). I think what really keeps us going is the fact that we have goals.

It's difficult, and it takes a lot of work to make sure it all goes well. You both need to do what works best for you in love and in life. If the sparks still fly each fleeting moment you have together, this is good. Just hope these same sparks fly once you've been reunited for good.

I wish you luck and much happiness.
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Old 08-13-2003, 07:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
My own person -- his by choice
Location: Lebell's arms
I'm currently in a long distance relationship -- 2 1/2 hour flight away -- with another tfper. We chat a lot and I got unlimited long distance so call whenever I can. It is very difficult as we long to touch each other and be together! We travel to see each other whenever possible and enjoy every moment that we are actually "together." I think the distance helps us cherish each other even more. It also opens up a ton of communication!

The focus for me has been to use this opportunity to truly get to know each other on an even deeper level. Because we are not "hanging out" on a regular basis, our phone conversations become an opportunity to share our deepest thoughts, feelings and aspirations. We are able to use this time to set goals and to figure out the best way to support one another. Although we long to be with each other, we know that there are good reasons (his education and my job) for us to be apart right now and that this distance can be viewed as an opportunity rather than a hindrance. Focusing on the positive is very helpful.

Also, we have damn good phone sex! What a great chance to share fantasies! (And later to make them come true!)

Best of luck to both of you!
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.
sexymama is offline  
Old 08-13-2003, 02:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
*Nikki*'s Avatar
Location: Charleston, SC
My boyfriend and I were in this situation for almost four months due to his job. Thank God it is over. I hated every minute of being apart from him. The good thing was that the times we saw each other we cherished every second of it and the sex was fantastic.

I think when two people who are right for each other and 100% devoted to each other are in this situation, it will work. If one partner doesnt follow through with his/her end of it though it will be very diffulcult.

Communication is the key. Always keep in touch and know what is going on in each others lives just like you would if you were right next to each other.
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Old 08-13-2003, 06:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
my last relationship was long distance, 3hr. flight... and it was a great experience, it was really hard, but those long weekends and weeklong vacations were so special. we were together every second of the day and it was just fabulous... It was hard to be apart, but i loved the longing to see him and the feeling when i saw him at the airport was incredible. Things just didnt work out, partly b/c the distance was too much for him to deal with(it was hard at times for me too) but man, when we were together it was the best feeling ever! Still trying to get over the relationship, i miss it a lot.
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Old 08-13-2003, 06:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
oh, also, we met online, not through tfp but just from chatting online... we were introduced through a friend of a friend type of thing
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Old 08-14-2003, 08:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
Location: Connecticut
I also met an amazing man online, in a video chat room. He was there the first night I began chatting and for some unknown reason I felt something different for him than I had for anyone else. It took us just a couple of weeks before we knew we were head over heels in love with each other. The fact that I was living in Canada and he was living in the US was a big problem. We didn't think there was any way our 'relationship' could go anywhere and we talked about just how amazing it would be to even meet each other.

That amazing man is now my husband and we have a 4 month old son together. I am living in the states with him and we have an incredible family. I have 2 children from my previous marriage and he has 1. We have an extremely busy household but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. My immigration process is finally getting somewhere and 2 weeks ago I finally got my passport stamped as a "Conditional Permanent resident' of the US. We had the scare of our lives but it's all worked out.

The long distance part was something I'd never want to experience again. I agree with annie1 that the feelings when i got to see him at the airport each time were unbelievable, but I would have traded that in a heartbeat to be spending every night in his arms. I almost gave up so many times because I thought dealing with not having him at all had to be better than crying all the time because I needed to be with him. Silly logic I know and thank god I never gave up, not that he would have let me anyway lol.

Like jonsgirl I have to thank whoever invented cams, if it weren't for the cam I never would have met him, and it helped enormously in the sex dept while we were apart as well. I discovered masturbation, mutual masturbation, and the sheer joy of watching the man you love, knowing he's thinking of only you.

Netmeeting is the absolute best thing in the world for any couple in a LDR. We spent, literally, 16 hrs/day talking, typing, looking at each other...and some days longer. He even installed a camera at work so I could watch him while we typed to each other all day at work. He survived on 3-4 hrs/night sleep for months and months cause it was what we needed to get us through. Sounds like an exageration but unfor it's true...sad...but true lol.

btw...he is also a member of this board...his name is oscar0308
Butterfly Kiss is offline  
Old 08-14-2003, 09:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
Location: Lake Superior
*schnoogles her Cedar*

You know, I don't think I ever told you this hon, but the husband (Xixox as he's known on here) and I spent the first 6 months of our relationship apart.

Again, like so many others, it was the internet that kept us close and made life easier.

Now, let me tell you something from the 20/20 hindsight perspective -- if it wasn't for that time apart, I don't think we would have as strong of a relationship as we do now. Why? because we were forced to communicate on everything.

Think about it -- how many people do you know are in relationships where they can't tell their partners the simplest of things? Think of the gift you've been given where life is forcing you to learn the most vital of skills needed to make a marriage work -- the ability to talk to your partner as a partner.
"You spend twenty years learning the spell that makes nude virgins appear in your bedroom, and then youíre so poisoned by quicksilver fumes and half-blind from reading old grimoires that you canít remember what happens next." (Terry Pratchett, The Colour Of Magic)
Molly Moon is offline  

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