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Old 08-12-2003, 07:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Girlfriend secrets -- do you tell hubby?

Here's one for the married women (and those in other committed relationships).

If a close woman friend told you a secret and asked you not to tell your husband, would you keep it from him? How do you handle it? Where do you draw the line?

I have my own thoughts but would someone else like to go first?
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Old 08-12-2003, 08:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Well, it would depend on the secret. What did you have in mind?
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Old 08-12-2003, 08:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by collide
Well, it would depend on the secret. What did you have in mind?
I'd have to agree.

Also, whether said secret has any bearing on your hubby/SO's personal relationships would have to be taken into consideration (ie a girlfriend confided in you to cheating on her husband, a friend of your own husband)
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Old 08-12-2003, 09:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by collide
Well, it would depend on the secret. What did you have in mind?
That's a fair question. (see below)
Quote:
Originally posted by ktthequeen
I'd have to agree.

Also, whether said secret has any bearing on your hubby/SO's personal relationships would have to be taken into consideration (ie a girlfriend confided in you to cheating on her husband, a friend of your own husband)
You are both raising the issues that are difficult for me to frame. My own answer is that I don't keep secrets from hubby. Our friends know that and sometimes that means that there are things they aren't comforable telling me (same goes for him but I don't think guys share things the way women do).

I can see how having confidences that you don't share with your husband can be reasonable for some, or maybe even most, people. I'm just curious how other people handle it. How do you balance it? Where do you draw the line?

Since I don't have a category of "kinds of secrets that I'm willing to keep from my husband". I guess I have to reflect the "what kinds of secrets are you talking about" question back to you.

Perspective: Hubby and I fell in love at age 18 and married at 20 while we were in college. I don't have any adult relationships that pre-date the one with my husband. I also don't have any sisters. I think both of those things make a big difference.

Years ago, the first time someone told me something and *then* said, "don't tell your husband" I was surprized. It felt like an intrusion into our marriage that someone would even ask that of me. I've since learned that I'm the oddball and that I need to let people know ahead of time that it's off limits.
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Old 08-12-2003, 09:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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like others said, depends on the q, also depends on how well my sig. other knows this particular friend and people she deals with [if they're involved in this secret, or even if they're not]. If he barely knows the friend, then it doesnt really affect anything.
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Old 08-12-2003, 10:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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if my boyfriend or one of HIS friends were to be hurt by my keeping this secret, I wouldn't. i don't like to spread gossip, but no one can expect me to betray him who i trust the most. If it has nothing to do with him, why bother sharing, unless it's something I'm worried about in which case i'll probably use him as a sounding board with the understanding that he "hasn't heard" anything i tell him.
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Old 08-12-2003, 11:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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my husband is my best friend & my partner in life. my friends know that they can't ask me to not tell my husband something.

if you don't want my best friend in the whole world to know, then don't tell me. if you want to tell me knowing i may or may not discuss it with my hubby, then sure, i'll be there to listen. it won't go any further than the 2 of us. if you're my good friend, you already know this.
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Old 08-12-2003, 11:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by bernadette
my husband is my best friend & my partner in life. my friends know that they can't ask me to not tell my husband something.

if you don't want my best friend in the whole world to know, then don't tell me. if you want to tell me knowing i may or may not discuss it with my hubby, then sure, i'll be there to listen. it won't go any further than the 2 of us. if you're my good friend, you already know this.
What she said...
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Old 08-12-2003, 11:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by cheerios
if my boyfriend or one of HIS friends were to be hurt by my keeping this secret, I wouldn't. i don't like to spread gossip, but no one can expect me to betray him who i trust the most. If it has nothing to do with him, why bother sharing, unless it's something I'm worried about in which case i'll probably use him as a sounding board with the understanding that he "hasn't heard" anything i tell him.
You raise a good point: I don't tell my husband *everything* (guys are incapable of listing to *everything*) but I reserve the right to. If it's important and bothering me, I would have a hard time not leaning on him, plus the notion of not being able to tell him something would feel like a barrier.
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Old 08-13-2003, 03:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by bernadette
my husband is my best friend & my partner in life. my friends know that they can't ask me to not tell my husband something.

if you don't want my best friend in the whole world to know, then don't tell me. if you want to tell me knowing i may or may not discuss it with my hubby, then sure, i'll be there to listen. it won't go any further than the 2 of us. if you're my good friend, you already know this.
EXACTLY!
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Old 08-13-2003, 05:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by angela146
You raise a good point: I don't tell my husband *everything* (guys are incapable of listing to *everything*) but I reserve the right to. If it's important and bothering me, I would have a hard time not leaning on him, plus the notion of not being able to tell him something would feel like a barrier.
I totally agree
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Old 08-13-2003, 08:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Ohh, this is a great topic. There's no easy answer to this, and either position is easily defensible. If you keep secrets from your SO, then you are worthy of trust from your friends and family, but you can be accused of not being completely open in your marital relationship. If you tell your SO everything, then your marital relationship is strong, but others may be hurt when they speak to you in confidence. Another factor to think about: can your SO keep a secret? If someone tells you something in confidence, will it only go to your SO and no further? When someone says, "I need to tell you this, but can you keep it a secret?" do you then warn them that you will have to tell your husband?

Personally, there are things that I keep from my SO. I feel like I know him well enough that there are things that he would have no interest in and that are better kept unsaid. However, if there is anything that comes up that might have any bearing on him or our relationship, I will tell him. Unless it is Christmas or birthday gifts; those are secrets that I like to tease him with.
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Old 08-14-2003, 08:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I know I'm new here and I hope people don't mind me jumping right in but there seem to be alot of topics I am extremely interested in.

I tell my husband everything, if I don't tell him something it is only because I forgot. I trust him 110% and know that no matter what I tell him, as long as I tell him it's only between us that it will not go any further. I love talking to my husband more than anything and there is nothing I would keep from him. I hate gossip but I don't consider it gossip when you're discussing something with your husband. Part of the reason i married him is because he is my best friend in the world and I want to share everything in my life with him, anyone who knows me, or will come to know me, must understand that. If you don't want him to know something, then don't tell me. My loyalties are to him first and foremost.
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Old 08-14-2003, 11:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I have to say that I tell my hubby EVERYTHING! If I tell him someone's secret as long as I tell him it's a secret I know I can trust him not to say anything. We share everything and I think that anyone who knows us knows that so I couldn't see anyone asking me not to tell my husband something in the first place.
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Old 08-15-2003, 07:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I used to tell my husband everything till last week. One of my friends told me something and of course it was don't tell anyone I said this and I said okay(knowing I was going to tell my husband). So I told my husband and he didn't say much. Then two days later he said that the person that told me that secret was mad at me and I asked him why and he said because I told her what you had said. I asked him why would you do that because I told you not to tell anyone and he said that he had told her the same thing like a week earlier and he didn't share it with me and he thought it was funny that she told me more information then she told him so he told her. And I was very angry. So, know I don't share everything with him. Some things I have to keep a secret. I hate that but if I can't trust him, he has given me no choice.
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Old 08-15-2003, 08:02 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I tell my boyfriend pretty much everything.. that way we can have a good laugh about other people.. heh.. but really.. i don't feel obligated to tell him everything.. but i see no reason not to tell him my friends problems..
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Old 08-15-2003, 10:06 PM   #17 (permalink)
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When I was in my relationship with my ex (it was a long relationship) we told each other everything. I trusted him not to repeat our conversations and he did the same with me.

Ultimately, if something is meant to be a secret, why tell anyone at all?

If I tell someone something in confidence I would have every expectation if they were in a committed relationship that if it came up in conversation then that confidence would be shared. Couples just *do* that.
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Old 08-17-2003, 06:23 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by curveedv8
When I was in my relationship with my ex (it was a long relationship) we told each other everything. I trusted him not to repeat our conversations and he did the same with me.
Just curious: did he continue to keep the secrets after the breakup?
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Old 08-17-2003, 06:36 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Amethyst
...So, know I don't share everything with him. Some things I have to keep a secret. I hate that but if I can't trust him, he has given me no choice.
We avoid that particular situation by making sure that other people know that we talk to each other.

However, if my husband shared a confidence with a "fourth party", I would be furious... unless it were a situation where I would have done the same thing. So far, I haven't had to be furious (at least not for this reason).
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Old 08-18-2003, 12:13 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I have to say that my best freind is my husband and I keep nothing from him and my girl friends know that right from the start! Me and my husband are partners in life we handle things together!!
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Old 08-18-2003, 06:05 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I will keep quiet IF the secret that my friend confided in me has nothing to do with my husband. For example: If it was a personal health problem and she just didn't want anyone else knowing about it. If it is a deliberate deception though I would definately not keep it from hubby.

I feel that personally I need the freedom to talk about things and hear things that I don't HAVE to tell hubby about. I reserve that for things that don't affect him anyway.

Of course if it was a surprise party for him then I wouldn't tell him. If it was a surprise for one of his friends I still might not tell everything because he sometimes lets surprises slip.
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Old 08-20-2003, 08:22 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I wouldn't tell my boyfriend if they made me promise not to tell a soul.
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Old 08-28-2003, 07:19 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Amethyst
I used to tell my husband everything till last week. One of my friends told me something and of course it was don't tell anyone I said this and I said okay(knowing I was going to tell my husband). So I told my husband and he didn't say much. Then two days later he said that the person that told me that secret was mad at me and I asked him why and he said because I told her what you had said. I asked him why would you do that because I told you not to tell anyone and he said that he had told her the same thing like a week earlier and he didn't share it with me and he thought it was funny that she told me more information then she told him so he told her. And I was very angry. So, know I don't share everything with him. Some things I have to keep a secret. I hate that but if I can't trust him, he has given me no choice.
Okay, sorry to quote the whole thing... but... If she told him first and said don't tell, and then told you and said don't tell. Don't you think she's telling everyone? I think she should have said, don't tell anyone this, but feel free to discuss it with your husband as I mentioned it to him last week....

She has NO right to be mad... IMHO
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Old 08-31-2003, 11:46 PM   #24 (permalink)
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That's an interesting subject line... I'd have to say that it really depends on what my friend is telling me. I tell my boyfriend everything, though if my friend confides in my that she doesn't want me to tell anyone.. then I won't.
I don't see it as keeping things from anyone.. especially if the said "secret" had nothing to do with my boyfriend.. which 100% of the time is the case. But after my friend comes out in the open I usually talk about it and bring it up when we are all hanging out to bother her for good fun.

mwahahaha...
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Old 09-01-2003, 08:28 AM   #25 (permalink)
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I am so transparent, I can't keep anything from my hubby. So if someone asks me to keep a secret, they know that I'll be telling him, and no one else.
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:10 PM   #26 (permalink)
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my boyfriend and i have been together for almost four years, which is totally insane seeing as i'm 19 and he's 20. we joke that we are one person. he knows everything i know, and i know everything he knows. anything that would hurt him to hear would hurt me to hear too, because it would hurt me to know that there is anything in this world that would hurt him. i'd never worry about him leaking any secret that would get me in trouble by getting out because he would feel worse about it getting out than i would i'm sure, because he would know that he would be getting me in trouble. it might sound naive and like i'm some lovestruck moron, but we have a connection that i don't think many people can even really understand. i could never imagine holding anything back from him aside from like what i got him for his birthday or a nice surprise like that.
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