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Old 01-23-2004, 01:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
Sleepless indecision

I'm still awake, even though the alarm clock goes off in three hours. I can't sleep, too much buzzing in my head.

Background: Ten years with Miranda, broke up after I caught her cheating on me in April 2003. Miranda's brother Payne volunteered to be a sperm donor for a child for me. I accepted. Helen was born in July 2002. Started relationship with Payne in May 2003 (yes, three weeks after breaking up with his sister) despite good advice against it. Broke up in November by mutual agreement because we didn't want to expose Helen to the constant fighting.

After being apart for two months, Payne says he wants to try it again. He says much of the friction was due to his sister and how she went back on her word to him to be parent to Helen in his place, suddenly thrusting him into a position he wasn't ready for, financially or emotionally. He says he's got most of his money trouble straightened out, and after a lot of soul-searching he's finally ready to be a full-time father instead of a weekender and "wants to do the right time".

There were a lot of nasty fights. There were also a lot of really good sex after one of us (usually him) figured out they were wrong and apologized. We already have a tie for the next 16.5 years at least. I'm running up on 31, and the offers for a little fat redhead with a mule-headed disposition and an 18-month old in tow aren't exactly numerous. In-home help with Helen will be badly wanted, especially with the Terrible Twos closing fast.

Part of me wants to try it again, part of me doesn't, part of me is saying I needed to be objective and keep the emotions down, part is saying this is the heart's decision and keep the brain out of it, and one more part is saying that sleeping in a cold bed alone sucks.

After looking at the last paragraph objectively, I would tell someone else asking me what to do in the described spot to tell Loverboy to cool his jets for at least 6 more months and scrutinize his actions, even if it meant following him during his weekends to see if he is ready or if he is just trying to convince himself that he's ready.

You never realize how easy advice is to give until you're in a spot when advice is needed, and you can't give it to yourself.

I've got until Sunday at 6pm to figure out where to go from here. Maybe some sleep will help.
This post has been sanitized for your protection by the Ministry of Information of Oceania.
PorscheBunny is offline  
Old 01-24-2004, 04:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
Location: Dallas
sweetie...I have had lots of those nights.

I have been married twice before...I have three kids...none by the same father...I'm bisexaul...chubby...and get headsaches and backaches often....and that empty cold bed is the worst...So I know what you are talking about.

Then...one day...a knight in shinning armor rode into my life...but at the time I thought he was a complete loser....here was this guy...no job...no home...no source of income...nothing...he was working in a comic book store that paid him with food....he lived in his honda civic.

Here I was....a year after my second husband....just been dumped my boyfriend with his six month son with me....two other kids...one age 5 the other in her twos...I was fat...stressed...and had swore of men forever

But that all changed when we met....he didn't care about my past...he just wanted to be part of my future.

Now...it was a long and hard road to where we arew now...but we are still here as a couple.

he one told me that we didn't change for each other...but instead we changed each other.

And I think your guy..and you...have to relize that you can't change for each other...you have to want to change you ways...andd know that you won't get anything out of that change.

My advice...don't raise the child with two of you fighting all the time...it will really screw up the poor thing...don't go with a guy just beacsue your bed is cold....it just isn't worth it...as for listening to your heart...never after so soon after loseing someone...the rebounds are the worst things that mess all of your feelings...including your heart

Sorry to hear about loseing yourr G/F...I just lost my too...so I know how you feel.

if you need anything...a shoulder to cry on...someone to vent at...(Even a friendly ear to talk sexy to) I'm here for you..And I'm sure the other gals will be happy to help out to.

hugs to you sweetie....your not alone
Ladyhawke is offline  
Old 01-24-2004, 06:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac
porche: my advice from before hasn't changed. Helen isn't a good reason to tie yourself to a man for 20 years and more. Sex isn't a reason, either. Either you love him and want to spend time with him, or you don't. That doesn't mean he can't be a part of his kids life, or help profide for her. There's nothing mutually exclusive about this situation. you don't have to date him to have him help with your daughter. If he's still there, he obviously cares for Helen, and i think (hope?) that no matter what decision you make, he won't abandon his daughter. That established, your decision should be made solely on what's best for YOU. edit: Juan agrees w/ me, if that helps
cheerios is offline  
Old 01-25-2004, 01:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
My own person -- his by choice
Location: Lebell's arms
porche: speaking from experience, FOLLOW YOUR HEART! I married my son's father when he was 6-years-old. I wanted him to experience having a "real family." Dad was raising twins from a previous marriage so by marrying I was bringing the entire family together. What did I get? Well, I gained two step sons who I now have good relationships with, but were very difficult to raise. I gained a father for my son who never bothered to parent him -- but just let me parent all three kids. I have two more children who I now get to raise with Lebell -- not him. Why, because I didn't marry for love, I married out of obligation. And it wasn't worth it! He gambled, cheated and became an alcoholic. I was the excuse for all his problems. I tried and tried to hang in there because I thought it was best for the children; but it is not! They did not (and neither does Helen) deserve the stress of an unhealthy relationship.

When I chose divorce, I figured that was it for me. I'm also "chubby" and very strong willed. I was ready for a life alone. But, there are men out there who truly accept us and love us for who we are -- not for what they want. (Like a mother for their children.) Lebell is a true blessing in my life. He accepts me 100% for me. He is healthy, loving, kind and thrilled to help me raise the girls.

Don't settle -- it isn't worth it! You deserve better -- you deserve "true love!" (That said, if this man is your true love, then by all means, go for it! It just doesn't sound that way to me.)
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.
sexymama is offline  
Old 01-25-2004, 09:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac
ya know sexymomma, i think i need you to follow me around in threads and say what i mean, only more eloquently

best of luck porche, whatever your decision
cheerios is offline  
Old 01-27-2004, 02:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
After spending most of the weekend doing surveillance and some fact-checking, it does look like he's actually ready to be a father.

Payne's sister-in-law and his mother both verified that he's been spending more time with Helen. During Thanksgiving, he spent two hours (out of 84) with her, and those were at his parents' house. This past weekend, Helen was at the grandparents' for 4 hours Saturday morning while Payne was at work, and that was all. Miranda even loaned me what had been our camcorder (talk about awkward!) to tape him and Helen covertly at a park Sunday.

She fell a couple of times. He briskly walked over to check any injuries. He didn't panic, he didn't overreact, but he didn't ignore it and didn't punish her for it either. (I saw one father verbally punishing his kids for getting dirty on a playground. )

I've had dozens of breakups, and no one has been legitimately considered for a reconciliation before, but then no one else has been in the spot he is either. I think he genuinely means well, he just wasn't quite mature enough to handle everything that was dropped on him just after he turned 25.

I'm going to wait. He's not just jumping back in like I let him last May. Okay, I encouraged him; are you happy now? I grew up with parents that fought constantly, I'm not going to do that to Helen. Some "family" dates, but nothing exclusive on either party and nothing without Helen unless there is a "later on" a few months down the road.

I guess I'm going to have to get Mr. Blue some more batteries.
This post has been sanitized for your protection by the Ministry of Information of Oceania.

Last edited by PorscheBunny; 01-29-2004 at 01:40 AM..
PorscheBunny is offline  
Old 01-27-2004, 10:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
Location: Boone,NC
wahoo!! good luck... i hope everything works out for you and that "Mr. Blue" doesnt break
ally is offline  
Old 01-28-2004, 11:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
Sounds like you have an adventure in store. I hope that things go well for you and your little family.
Litespeed is offline  
Old 01-29-2004, 05:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
Location: Dallas
sweetie....we are here for you....good luck
Ladyhawke is offline  
Old 02-16-2004, 01:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
Hi PorscheBunny,

I have been following this thread...and I have to say that I am very impressed with your decisions. You have made a mature one, and one that is going to benefit yoru daughter. The "family dates" are a great idea, and the idea of waiting for a "Later one' is even better.

I just wanted to say...from an outsiders view...your decision was a hard one, but one that is going to reap the most benefits.

Good luck.
The Sober Truth
Gwenllian is offline  

indecision, sleepless

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