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Old 03-28-2004, 06:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
*Nikki*'s Avatar
Location: Charleston, SC
Please help a fellow woman out....

I am posting this for a lady member who would like to remain anonymous.

Please read and give her some advice:

I am dating a guy who feels the need to keep things very low key until he and his “ex” have gone to court and everything is final with their divorce. Now I understand this especially considering that I have seen her vindictive streak and I know she would make his life hell in every way possible if she knew he is seeing someone even though they have been split for nearly a
year. But, in the time that we have been dating, he has gone up and down in his level of keeping things quiet. For some time we went places together and he stayed the nights with me etc. Lately he has been feeling the strong need to be OVERLY (in my opinion) discreet. To the point that he doesn't stay the night even though he has nobody to answer to for not coming home until dawn. (except a room mate that he SAYS knows we are dating but I have yet to meet nor do I feel I ever will) I don’t believe the roomie really knows and I think he is afraid if he stays the night, the roomie will “slip” and say something in passing to his “ex” or a friend of hers. But when I addressed that, he says he knows. Okay, getting off track. This is so complicated!
Bottom line is that anymore I feel that we seem to manage to find time to have sex and brief visits and some conversation but nothing like it was. Not even close. And I for the first time in my life I feel like a dirty little secret and I feel that there is a level of shame that he feels but will not admit and I am so very frustrated. At times I simply feel used. I know he
cares about me as a person but he is so freaked about what “she” might empower herself to do to him that he is running scared. And I end up feeling lonely and as I said, used. Now obviously I care about him or this wouldn’t be an issue and I wouldn’t be here asking advice. I have told him how I feel
except the part that I feel used. I know this would hurt his feelings and he would not want to touch me for fear I might think it a violation…he would take it wrong, I know that. I am pondering telling him I don’t think we should see each other until his divorce is final. But I have to be prepared to follow through whole heartedly and that could be months. So ladies, I ask
you, what would you do? What are your thoughts? I want feed back, a lot of it. What is more confusing to me is that I know exactly what I would advise one of you to do if it were YOU in the situation and yet I can’t seem to trust my own judgment. I don’t feel I know ME anymore. Based on what you have learned here, let your feedback flow…
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Old 03-28-2004, 08:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
Location: ...We have a problem.
Well, based upon what you've said here, I think this sounds complicated enough to consider letting go entirely. You shouldn't ever be made to feel you're not number one. However, perhaps he will get screwed in the divorce if his soon-to-be-ex finds out that he's seeing someone seriously? You should confront him directly and let him know that if there's a reason behind his behavior, you'd like to know what it is. If he can't give you an adequate response, then move on. Don't waste your time with someone who's on the rebound and who isn't ready to commit to you completely. Don't compromise who you are because you'll regret it, without a doubt.
Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.
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Old 03-28-2004, 08:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
ngdawg's Avatar
Location: on the back, bitch
Without going into the details, I have had friends in the exact situation and the end result was the one making all the rules remarried the ex. Don't mean to frighten by saying that, but it would seem the two of you need a reality check. Perhaps the closer to the finalization of his divorce he gets, the more he is doubting the decision. He may not end it with you because of the possibility of being completely alone scaring him. Either way, it is time for a sitdown-just don't ask questions you don't want to hear the honest answer to. Good luck.
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Old 03-28-2004, 10:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
sillygirl's Avatar
Location: at home
*sigh* I've been kind of in a similar situation. I was the one going through the divorce, but HE wanted to keep it 'hidden'. PM me if you wanna chat, hon.

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...
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Old 03-28-2004, 11:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
Cosmically Curious
onodrim's Avatar
Location: Chicago, IL
I've been fortunate and never had to deal with such a tough issue, but my gut instinct would be to end things now. You should never have to settle for someone who isn't completely commited to you and your relationship, and it sounds like mentally he's not right now. Perhaps when the divorce is all over and he can give you his full attantion and really be an equal partner in the realtionship, then you can pursue it again. But for now, I'd say its better for you both to call it off for now.
"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan
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Old 04-01-2004, 07:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
Location: trying to avoid being groped
I was in a similar situation and it turned out that the guy I was seeing was seeing multiple women. Have you ever met any of his friends or family? Have you ever been to his house? He may still be married and just telling you that he is getting divorced. Maybe you should find out when he filed for divorce...that way you will know how long it is before his divorce is final and you can decide what is best for you.
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Old 04-01-2004, 09:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
My own person -- his by choice
Location: Lebell's arms
I believe if he is willing to cheat on her, he is just as willing to cheat on you.

That said, after several affairs, my dad met a woman he was willing to leave my mother for after 36 years of marriage. The key: she said, "sorry hon, I don't date married men." And she didn't date him until the divorce was final. To top it off, she refused to see him for several months after the divorce because she was "no home wrecker." They've been together for 8 years now -- so it can work.
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.
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Old 04-22-2004, 12:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
Location: Aussieland.
Yeah, my gut instinct says walk away now
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Old 04-23-2004, 07:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
Location: Native America
In my view, loving relationships should be without angst. I would never personally stay in one where I feel the kind of anxiety that you're expressing. Ups and downs in a relationship are OK, but this seems constant. I think a lot of women allow themselves to be used by men who "need them". Some men will take too much advantage of that nurturing nature of ours.
It sounds like you know what you need to do, so go on and do it. I think everyone here is affirming your decision.
Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Old 04-23-2004, 09:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
Location: Dallas, TX
I went through a similar situation and it turned out he was still married and there was no divorce at all.
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Old 04-29-2004, 11:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
Location: Tempe,Az....until I figure things out...
Well.. having gone through something sort of like that. He needs to get over his ex and her manipulative ways, that's all there is to it.

He needs to know that his ex can't manipulate him anymore.. and you need to tell him this. Especially if it's been a year. I'm not sure if there are children involved, but if there are I can sort of understand why he being that way. But he just needs to get over it and move on.

You need to talk to him about it and point out that he needs to stop being scared of his ex. If it doesn't happen, then you should probably move on. Sounds kinda harsh, but if he is going to continue, especially after a year of being seperated, to let his ex manipulate him.. then he will never be able to move on and have a future with someone else.

It's hard being in the middle.. especially when "she" (the ex) is around... but ya just gotta tell him to get over it or get out. Now if there are children involved.. the children are most important and he needs to be responsible, but still stand up to his wife and not let her use their children as a pawn in some manipulative chess game she may have going in her head. She will always be the mother of their children, if there are any, but HE can't let her cotinue to use him as a stepping matt.

But I do understand being in the middle of something like that, but we weren't quite that secretive about it.. that I know of. At first it was a lil odd... but that didn't last very long at all.

If he is willing to not let her manipulate him anymore and make a future with you.. then go for it. Otherwise you should probably get out now before the drama gets deeper.
"Things can only get so bad before they have no choice but to get better.."

Nitz Walsh : It's not fair God. Why am I still a virgin?........ Stupid gnome.
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