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Old 04-25-2004, 05:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
Frenchie's Avatar
Location: Muncie, IN
Friends with different values/mores

I have a few friends who have had kids when they were 17... they're only 18 now.. but still, it's young. And I have this one friend who is making me want to lash out irrationally at her all the time.
She is 18 and has been dating this scum bag for about a year and 4 months. She just doesn't undertsand that he isn't the man (well boy) for her. He is 17 and dropped out of school last year. We are both seniors. He was almost arrested recently for burglery... but he got off on probation for 10 months... or a year and 10 months... not too sure:-/ But he also drinks a lot and smokes pot... it that is all he smokes. This girl says.. well it's just a little pot and the drinking doesn't bother me.
He goes out at night and drinks with his friend till all hours of the night... what says he's not cheating.. we caught him once.
So about a year ago she finds out she's pregnent. She goes and gets an abortions... tells me about it, I'm not thrilled but I'm not about to run her life... and we were juniors for God's sake! So then in the begining of this school year I find out she had another one... That pissed me off beyond belief.
She comes into school one day crying because they brokw up... so we are telling her that it is a good idea... it's a good thing that it happened. She'll find someone who isn't irresponsible nor can't man a job for over a week. And she kept saying.. "You don't understand, he's the only one for me..." balhblahblah. So even though we tried to convince her it didn't work. She called our friend a day later and our friend asked her if she could be pregnant.. and she said yes.... I asked her the next day if she could be and she didn't really answer.
She kept telling us that she had to get it done.. she can't take care of the kid.. and she wants to have it done. I didn't really say much, because I'm not one to just speak my mind on everything. And then I told her and a bunch of other people told her not to get it done.. she's f*ed up her body enough.. what needs her to do this again? But she refused to listen to us... didn't talk to us until about 2 weeks after her appointment. And one of the first things she said when she really talked to us again was, "I moved in with him, my parents disown me" Of course they disown you.. your stupid! They were just trying to prtext her from him.. but she just kept defying them and being with him... even though she is 18... but she is living with him now and it must be the worst set up in the world... she hardly comes to school anymore (lets say she came 4 days before she moved in and now 3 days at max a week)
She has messed up her life... and the abortion thing has made me so mad...

So now after all of that my question to all of you is....
Would you stay friends with that person even though your values/mores are not the same.... infact total enemies to eachother? Or would you just forget about it even though she seems to get pregnant time and time again that it just keeps comign up... staying out of her life (even though you at least used to be really close to her)?
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Old 04-25-2004, 06:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: California
I think that you just have to stick to your own morals and see how this friendship goes. Also if you stay friends with her, I really think you should show her how much you care about her, and try and get her some help.
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Old 04-25-2004, 06:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: Muncie, IN
That is what I originally tried to do... I gave her my doctors phone number, but my doctor wasn't taking any new patients... so she made an appointment with another guys.. and had it done that day. I asked her how it went and she snapped at me.. because apparently she told a few people to not ask her anymore about things like that... it's no one's business... but obviously I didn't know she said that. And then after she didn't want to talk to us about anything and we tried to talk to her she moved in with "Mr. Scum of the Earth"

And thanks-
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Old 04-25-2004, 06:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: I'm workin' on it
Sounds like you may just need to let go of that friendship.... I don't think friends are worth that much stress.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
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Old 04-26-2004, 05:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: east of the sun and west of the moon
Unfortunately, people need to make their own mistakes. You can see from your perspective how what she's doing is hurting her, but obviously she's seeing things differently, and chances are there's not much that can change her mind. If you care about her, if there's something there worth saving the friendship for, all you can do is be there for her. But if you're just tired of the drama and watching her make choices you don't agree with, it might be time to just let the friendship die.
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France
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Old 04-26-2004, 07:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Upper Michigan
Lurkette put it well. My thoughts exactly.
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
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Old 04-28-2004, 09:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
I had a friend like that, and honey let me just say that it's not worth trying to explain to your friend the situation is wrong. If she truly believes she loves him then let her find out in her own due time that he's wrong for her. I lost my friend - who was my best friend and soul mate - but I realized it was much better than having to worry about her pregnancy scares (I was a junior in HS) and the fact that she had a baby with a scum bag our senior year of highschool.

You keep your morals, and let her have yours. If you can be friends outside of those problems, then fantastic. If you feel like those problems are going to interfere with the friendship then let it go.

Good luck.
Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.
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Old 05-03-2004, 01:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Did she not know about birth control? I guess I don't understand why after she got pregnant and had an abortion the first time she wouldn't wise up a bit.

There really is nothing you can do. Right now she wants to be with him and by everyone saying bad things about him and telling her to break it off, it only makes her want to be with him more to prove you all wrong. Eventually she will get sick of his bad habits and lazy personality and move on with her life.

As for your relationship, I would just let things simmer down for awhile. Just let her know that you are there for her if she needs you, but don't let yourself stress out her decisions.
-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes
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Old 05-03-2004, 03:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: Muncie, IN
Originally posted by Sugar&Spice
Did she not know about birth control? I guess I don't understand why after she got pregnant and had an abortion the first time she wouldn't wise up a bit.
You would think that... well that is what I thought, since she started out high school saying.. "I've never had sex.. I feel kinda out of the loop, but I'm happy with my decision."
And now she turns into this...
I can see how us all telling her no will make her want to prove to us it's worth it. I went through that now that I think about it.

Now that I really think about it I remember why I was with this one kid for as long as I was. One of my friends said that she thought that this guy liked her.. but I wanted to prove her worng and make him like me... I was pretty much jealous that I couldn't get a guy, and she could. So we started dating and I realized that I didn't like him at all.. broke up with him for someone else.. thought he was going to kill himself, and got back with him. The I realized that I really didn't like him at all.. but everyone was telling me that he was scum and to break up with him.. I didn't want to listen to it, even though I believed it... I wouldn't admit it. And one day I just had enough and broke up with him for good. (after he cheated on me and tried to blame it on the girl...)

But now that I think about it I see where she is coming from.

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Old 05-05-2004, 08:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
Location: The capital of the free world??
Well I don't think there much you can do for this girl. I would at least give her some panphlets about birth control or something. But if she has had 3 abortions, I'm thinking those doctors told her about it. It doesn't really seem like she wants to be your friend or wants help right now. I think she will eventually and you should be there for her then.
Good luck
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Old 05-09-2004, 09:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
shannon's Avatar
Location: Canada
i would think that more so than different values that this girl is too full of drama in general to be friend with. but that's just me. i think if you can stick by her it might do her some good, to have a grounded friend, but i understand that it must be hard. good luck. xoxo
"When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"
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Old 05-09-2004, 11:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
Location: Australia
Many friendships do break up over time. You can choose your friends. It's your own decision. If she is a bitch to you, and her ethics don't agree with yours, if it were me, I'd move on.
What I write in my posts may or may not be my actual opinion.
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Old 05-12-2004, 04:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Location: Lebell's arms
Another option is for you to stop initiating, but somehow let her know that when she is ready to be your friend again, you'll be there for her. (Who knows, when she comes to her senses, she may think, "oh yes, Frenchie said I could count on her, and she'll call you -- ready to change and be the person she is capable of being.) In the meantime, take care of yourself and don't worry. She either will or will not wise up -- either way, it is her life to live, and you have your life to live.
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.
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