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Old 05-25-2004, 10:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
I want a ring

Ladies, I need you thoughts on this. I have been with my SO for almost 4 years now. We are both at the same college, and I'll be turning 20 this year. About three years ago, I gave him my favorite ring for luck, and he has been wearing it on his left hand ever since. For the past few months, my ring finger has felt naked...

I'm trying to figure out if my wanting a ring is unreasonable. I don't want the Hope diamond, just something small and simple. I want something that I can see, something tangible. I feel shallow for wanting it, but there's a part of me that really does want it.

The real problem (aside from feeling shallow) is that I want him to do it on his own, without me having to ask. I want a ring that he truly wants to give me, not because I asked for it

Maybe I'll feel better if you share some of your experiences with me...

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Old 05-25-2004, 11:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: in my imagination
hmmm, well im not sure i have much advice that would be helpful on this subject, but i dont think its stupid or silly or shallow at all. i for one like knowing whats up in a relationship, and almost 4 years....thats wow for just dating.
on one hand, you do know that he wouldnt have been with you this long if he wasnt absolutely into you, but then again, everything in this world is uncertain, and you just want him to let you know that he is looking for something more than just dating.....
totally understandable, i like knowing a guy is into me and not some other girl....
but i know its something you want him to do on his own, because if its forced, then it might not necessarily mean what it should mean.

i would think of hinting something to one of his friends that might be willing to hint to him for you (without saying it was coming from you)...
like saying "dude, you have a great girlfriend....and youve been together for what, 4 years now? have you thought about maybe something more serious? like maybe a promise ring?"
i dunno just something along those lines.
i hope my suggestions have been helpful. like i said, im not too experienced with guys...and the only guys i ever seem to date dont express themselves much...*shrug* but i really hope the best for you good luck and let us know what happens
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Old 05-25-2004, 11:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
I'm thinking along the lines of a promise ring. Like I said, something simple, something small. I think it is the permanance that is appealing. We have been planning on getting married after we graduate, but that plan has been in the works for a good 2 years now, and it will be at least 3 years more before we are both out of school. It is so hard to be patient...

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Old 05-26-2004, 12:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Southern California
I got one of those for christmas one year. I wear it on my right ring finger (but I move it to my left when I go out with the girls). I know what you mean about wanting something that's tangible. I just asked for it as a Christmas present. Is your birthday coming up or some other celebration? I would just ask for one.
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Old 05-26-2004, 04:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: oregon
I got mine on christmas too.
We went to a jewlery store, in the mall, he was the one that saw a ring he thought would look good on me cause he liked it. On christmas my present was the ring he liked lol.
I just told him a week or 2 before, that I think a ring would be a nice thoughtfull present from the heart, what a sucker lol.
You could tell him that you would like a ring to remember him by when he is in class, at work or away.
I don't have much advice cause I get what I want after asking or nagging and giving the puppy dog look lol.
The QTpie

Last edited by qtpye4u84; 05-26-2004 at 04:16 AM..
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Old 05-26-2004, 04:21 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Peetster's house.
You gave yours to him as a gift... because you wanted him to have it.. if a ring is such a big deal to you,Ask for yours back.You dont think he would offer a *gift* when ready?
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Old 05-26-2004, 05:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
*Nikki*'s Avatar
Location: Charleston, SC
In my experience you should NEVER ask for a ring. Why? Because you might get one because he knows you want it but NOT because he is ready to give it.

My Ex and I dated 6 years. Around the 4.5 year mark I started hinting that I wanted to get engaged. Well I got the ring for Christmas and we were engaged a year. Two months before we were to be married he decided that was not what HE really wanted.

I would not rush it. I think that 20 is way to young to be engaged anyhow. If it is supposed to happen it will work out no matter how long it takes.

A promise ring however is not a bad idea. It is just something pretty that will remind you of him.

Let him decide when though.

My boyfriend that I have now gave me a very nice Sapphire/Diamond ring this past christmas that I wear on my wedding ring finger. He was the one that suggested that we go look at rings......and he picked it out. We had only been dating 7 months at that time. It is not an engagement ring....but I love it just as much if not more then one. But the thing is, the man has to do things like this on his own and at his own speed for you to know it is genuine. Which to me is the most importent part of getting a gift like that.

Last edited by *Nikki*; 05-26-2004 at 05:55 AM..
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Old 05-26-2004, 10:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: east of the sun and west of the moon
It sounds like the ring itself is less important to you than the gesture: that he thought about it himself and chose it, etc., that it's a sign of your commitment. It sounds like you're looking for proof - proof that he's committed, that he loves you, I don't know. But chances are it's not about the ring. I think you should look and see if he's giving you what you want, and if not, have a discussion about it. Getting a ring won't fix it if he's not meeting your needs. If he IS giving you what you want (love, commitment, feeling cherished) then it's just a symbol, and why not ask for it? Guys don't always realize that these things mean something to women, and there's no shame in hinting about it. But be sure what it is that you want: some "feeling" from him that you're not getting, or just a pretty trinket.
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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Old 05-26-2004, 02:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: California
That's not really unreasonable, as I see it. Maybe you need a ring, but I think maybe you're just looking for something to represent your relationship.

One day you should look at your ring on his finger and say something like: 'Gee, I wish I could have something like that on my finger too! That would really symbolise our love.' And maybe just wink and smile.

I'm not sure, though. I don't know your level of communication with him...so yeah.
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Old 05-26-2004, 04:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: Windy City
Maybe say something to the effect that you gave your ring to him because you really cared about it, and you wanted to let him have it to show you care. Then you could say it'd be awesome if there was something you could have with you to see and remember him whenever you looked at it. From what we've all be reading, it seems the ring a logical choice in your mind for a symbol since that's what you gave him. In my 3 year relationship with a guy, he gave me one of his sweaters that I could wear and think of him. That sweater meant more to me than any jewelry I could have gotten, because it was something that he really liked, and cared enough about me to share it with me.
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna
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Old 05-26-2004, 10:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
First of all, are you asking about wanting an engagement ring? Or just something in return for the ring you gave him?

A ring symbolizes eternal unity- there's nothing wrong with wanting that. But is that what you want? Or to symbolize your love and your relationship?
But the ring as an object, you must ask yourself is that what you really want? The ring to show that you are in a relationship? To make you feel good?
I'm just trying to diagnose the feelings behind the question.
Old 05-27-2004, 12:14 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: Lebell's arms
I asked for one once -- got it, and never felt like he truly meant it.

The one from Lebell was from him. He chose it, he intiated it, he even gave it to me on his timing. It has great meaning.

My advice, be willing to ask for what you want; and understand he has the right to say no or to intrepret the request how he sees fit. (For example, maybe a necklace will symbolize his current commitment to you, not a ring.) Do not pressure as you want a gift from his heart not from his guilt.
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Old 05-27-2004, 06:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
Location: Native America
If I remember right, he bought me the first one on his own and surprised me with it our first Christmas together. We'd been dating about 7mo's by then. It was a heart shaped amethyst and his mom helped him pick it out for me. I think she had hinted to me that I was getting a ring because I was kind of expecting it.

This was the really good part: He gave me this huge box, like a big TV box and inside were all these other wrapped boxes that were jokes. Like he gave me mousetraps, an old distributor cap from his car, I think one was even spark plugs; just junk to make me get excited and unwrap it. Inside were little notes teasing me about what I was getting or little things we used to say to each other. And finally, at the bottom of the box was the ring. It was so much fun to unwrap that!

So even better than the present was the giving of it. He put a lot of thought and effort into it, especially for a 16 year old. So even if it hadn't been a ring it would have meant just as much to me. I think this is also what you're looking for- seeing him put a little effort and thought into something just for you. As you suspect though, it won't mean as much if you tell him to do it. I think you can hint and it will still be special if you don't tell him specifics. Just see how he interprets your hint that you need a romantic gesture from him. Then what he comes up with will be from his heart and what he wants to do for you. But it has to be a SUBTLE hint!!
Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Old 05-27-2004, 07:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
Some boys/young men/old men are completely clueless to the obvious. There's probably no doubt that he loves you, however, it's probably never occcured to him that you'd like a ring, or it's somethin that he should do.

They need some subtle coaching, if they aren't doing something on their own. (generally it's wardrobe help, but in some cases it's gifting help too)

When he gets you a gift, for your birthday or holidays, what does he give you? Would he think to get you a ring? (my father, after 45 years of being married to my mother, thinks nothing wrong with getting her a roasting pan for her birthday - he needs gifting help - some fellas do)

If there's something you want, like a commitment, or even a promise ring, then you should be comfortable enough to talk about it and ask for it.
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
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Old 05-27-2004, 10:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
Thanks for sharing with me. Yes, I agree that getting engaged at the age of 20 is too young. A promise ring, the symbol, the gesture would be nice after so much time. There's no doubt about how we feel or where we are going in our lives together. I'd like something that I can keep with me all the time, something that he put time and effort and consideration and lots of love into.

I agree that it means more if he chooses to do it on his own, and that I can be sure it was for the right reasons. I have decided to talk to him about this. I'm going to take the best of what each of you ladies shared with me and see where it gets me.

17 seconds is all you really need
- Smashing Pumpkins
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Old 05-29-2004, 04:00 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Location: Muncie, IN
I know what you are feeling... I wanted that. I just want something on my finger... not necessarily on my ring finger. but just a ring. But also I have a lot of friends who are engaged and we are only 18 and still in HS. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we haven't gotten that far.. not even as to getting a promise ring. I think they are stupid in my own opinion... but that is what a lot of my friends have and live by... I just don't understand them. My boyfriend makes sense to me... that I shouldn't have something of such great significance on my finger to show people so they would get the wrong idea (that we may be engaged... even if it's a small ring meaning nothing.) I wouldn't want people to think that... not yet at least.
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