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Old 05-12-2003, 02:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: who the fuck cares?
Do you deserve love?

Sometimes I sit here and think to myself, "Do I realy deserve his love?" I know I haven't done anything special. I've never been treated like this before. Relationship after relationship where I was treated like shit... what have I done to deserve someone so special, sweet, and caring?

He was surprised when I said this to him. It brings tears to my eyes to be this happy. I keep telling him it can't be real.

How about you? Do you think you deserve love? Have you ever had the thoughts that you weren't worthy of someone elses affection? Do you feel like you've deserved the treatment you've received from others (even if it wasn't so great)?
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Old 05-12-2003, 02:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Last edited by JadziaDax; 05-12-2003 at 08:29 AM..
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Old 05-12-2003, 03:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I understand how you feel about this. I am having a real hard time right now in my situation and I have not felt loved or cared for in a real long time.
There is someone new in my life, although very far away, he has made me feel like a woman again. I have never touched him, or looked into his eyes, but I still feel very lucky and yes I wonder if I deserve his love.
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Old 05-12-2003, 03:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Do you deserve love?

By questioning one's own worth, doesn't it kind of discount our partner's ability to chose someone deserving of love? We love and trust this person. Why then is it so hard to love and trust ourselves?

Last edited by Double D; 05-13-2003 at 10:58 AM..
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Old 05-12-2003, 03:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Chicagoland
Sorry, in my previous post, I ignored the query.

Even tho' I'm a flawed human being with a big, sometimes fragile heart, yes absolutely, I am deserving of love. And it only took about 40 years for me to realize that

Last edited by Double D; 05-13-2003 at 10:59 AM..
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Old 05-12-2003, 04:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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i think we all deserve love, the bad part is that we don't necessarily get the love we deserve... does that make sense??? i am lucky enough that i have found a great guy who treats me better than i have ever been treated before, he exceeds my expectations all the time... i'm very lucky, but i deserve it.
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Old 05-12-2003, 04:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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This feeling of being undeserving comes with low self esteem. Having been treated one way for so long, it's what you are used to. It's how you think all men will treat you, regardless of what you really deserve.

DD: I'm not questioning his choice in a woman. He knows that. I'm questioning why any woman can feel like this; why I have felt this way for so long; what I and others can do to make these feeling subside.

It's easy to sit back and say "Let him love you; let him care about you. Accept it. You DO deserve it." It's not so easy to do it.
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Old 05-12-2003, 07:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Chicagoland
I have deep sympathy and empathy for women with self-esteem issues. I've been there. I am there. Low Self Esteem dogs a lot of us. I hope that I didn't seem to imply that it would be an easy process to accept or love yourself as you deserve.

In my experience, not all men batter a woman's self-esteem. Too many do, yes, but not all. I think in many cases the woman was feeling like crap about herself _before_ getting in the relationship. Being in the relationship reinforces her low self- esteem and the cycle continues. Low self esteem's foundations are in the family a person is born into; the one you were raised in. Life experiences can enhance or negate this stuff.

It's really hard to be in a healthy relationship sometimes- when all you are used to is unhealthy ones. You have every reason to be happy, but the unhealthy bullshit justs keeps rearing it's ugly head.

And yeah, as you know, the process of not feeling like crap about yourself has gotta come from within you.
How do you get started? How 'bout just taking _one_ of the nice things that someone you trust says about/ to you - one of those compliments that you may accept gracefully, but inside a voice is saying, *It's not true.*
Instead of pushing the compliment away, try your damndest to believe it, if for no other reason than you trust the person who gave you the compliment. It sounds stupid, I know. But it's a matter of reprogramming the self-critical voice that we all have ( guys & women) to one degree or another. You have to keep doing it.


Last edited by Double D; 05-13-2003 at 01:27 PM..
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Old 05-12-2003, 10:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Jadz: a BIG RESOUNDING YES to your question, both concerning myself and you. I know what you mean. After getting hit so often, how do you deal with a caress? I think I was VERY lucky to get a LOT of positive reinforcement from friends while I dealt with emotional abuse, real or perceived. W/o that, I'd be 10x the head case I am. remember: you have faith in your loved ones, right? they(we?) all love you for a reason! You're smart, you're witty, you're NOT the bitch you think you are. and really, the only cure for feeling that way, is constant reassurance for a good long length of time. I prescribe some TLC from loving friends and family. Would you be a mod here if we didn't have faith in your judgment? would you be a school teacher if people didn't have faith in your ability to effect the kids you spend your time with? I know how hard it is to have someone say "have faith in your own self-worth" like that's the cure to all your problems, but really, it's not you trying to believe it that's the eventual cure, but the constant reassurance. So, here's my addition: Jadz, you are a wonderful, caring, dedicated, amazing human being no less entitled to love and affection than any of the rest of us flawed human beings. 'member that a LOT of people think and believe that about you.
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Old 05-13-2003, 01:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Well said Cheerios and seconded by myself.
We are all deserving of love no question about it. I know deep down I am a great lady who has 110% to give to the right person sometimes it just is hard finding/connecting with that person. If you are lucky enough to find the person who is your missing half and can be with him then you have reason to be happy every single day. Count your blessings, don't question them. Be sure that the love you have discovered is due to the person you are inside, not from blind luck or fate. You deserve it! Be happy - we are happy for you
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Old 05-14-2003, 12:58 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Jadzia- I recently ran into the same situation, where I am awed and stunned by the amazing person before me, that thinks I am equally aweing and stunning.

Sometimes, hon, there isn't a reason why, and sometimes there isn't an answer to the "how" and "why me's" that come up. It's a struggle to learn that you (yes, YOU!) deserve to love as you want to love someone else. Everyone always wants to be loved as they love, and if you're fortunate to find it, love it like you can and will, and with nurturing, he'll/she'll love you back just as honestly and devotedly.

Best of luck!
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Old 05-14-2003, 05:48 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I am there with you now Jadzia. I too have found someone who is equally amazed by me as I am by him. He is unlike any man I have ever loved before.
Being with him is refreshing and invigorating.
I do think I deserve love, but actually being able to open up and accept it is a whole other issue.
It is hard when you are so used to being with one type of person to try and figure out a whole new way of thinking and living.
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Old 05-14-2003, 06:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I used to feel the same way, and then I went and screwed up his love, so now I am on the opposite end. He'd finally gotten me to believe that I deserved his love (at least most of the time I believed) and then during a very rocky point in my emotions, I proved to him that I didn't deserve it (by admitting to my affair, and having lied to him when it happened, and thus lying every day after by not telling him), and he still loved me! until it sunk in.
We've been through some really rough times since then, but we're working on it... or I've been working, and he's been healing, and now we're both working on it.

I think I deserve love, but I know I have to earn it back, it goes hand in hand with trust.
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Old 05-14-2003, 12:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Re: Do you deserve love?

Quote:
Originally posted by JadziaDax
Sometimes I sit here and think to myself, "Do I realy deserve his love?" I know I haven't done anything special. I've never been treated like this before. Relationship after relationship where I was treated like shit... what have I done to deserve someone so special, sweet, and caring?
... I keep telling him it can't be real.
Jadzia, sweety... YeS you deserve every and all wonderful things that your current relationship has to offer you. Really.
I kno i've not really interacted with you personally that much,
but i've seen enough of you to know that you are someone i've got utmost respect and admiration for.
Please, hang in there and perservere with the opening up and accepting all the love the world has to offer you.
Let it's warmth embrace you.
Let your heart smile.


Quote:
Originally posted by JadziaDax

How about you? Do you think you deserve love?
hm, honestly, i've been lucky, haven't had much in life to get me to feel i don't deserve good things. thank god for that.

however, my insecurity lies more in sometimes wondering if i'm good enough for him. thinking he deserves more.
so, essentially much the same, just from a different perspective i guess.
is something i'm working on, both by letting myself believe in my own wonderfullness, and doing my best to live up to my potential.
my intuition tells me that's exactly what i need for me, and as long as i stay on this road, progressing steadily, i will live happily ever after.

/me sends love and luck to all you lovely ladies who ever doubt your own love-worthiness.

love yourself, and the rest will follow.

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Old 05-14-2003, 07:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I am very happy. I think we both deserve one another. I am lucky to be with such a caring, gentle, and loving guy. Sometimes I wish it would have happened sooner... but things happen for a reason, right? I think everyone deserves love, and for those of us that find it.... I couldn't be happier.
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Old 05-15-2003, 06:21 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by JadziaDax
It's easy to sit back and say "Let him love you; let him care about you. Accept it. You DO deserve it." It's not so easy to do it.
Jadzia... i could not agree more... i cannot tell you how many times i have spoken those words to someone else... but when i try to apply them to myself? it's a completely different story...

i think you are right in what you say about it being rooted in our self-esteem. Willow and i have gone back and forth about this for the during of our relationship...

it's not that i don't trust him, it's not that i don't believe him or in his feelings for me... it's about me... allowing his love to sink in, deep down, and really honor it.
coming from past relationships that were very destructive and abusive, this is a major hurdle for me. on some level, in my head, i know i "deserve" it... but on a much deeper level... i doubt... i get afraid... perhaps i am afraid that if i TRULY let it sink in, and i begin to trust... it will be taken away... and i'll be reminded that i am NOT worth it afterall...

*soft sigh*... i hope i don't sound pathetic here... i am just speaking to those insecurities that i think most of us hold deep inside and rarely confront.
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Old 05-19-2003, 03:42 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi gals. I'm technically new to tfp but I've been reading the board for quite a few months now, usually through friends names. Since I am now home with more free time I decided it's time to start posting! Anyway, back to the main issue... personally I've been dealing with this question quite a bit lately. I think my issues with this problem are very similar to siN's. I have not had real problems with boyfriends in the past and the one I have now is wonderful!!! I feel since he is such a great person he should be with someone equally as great. Many of my friends say I'm a good person and all but I feel like I should be DOING more. I know everyone deserves love but in my eyes it just doesn't seem fair to him.
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Old 05-19-2003, 05:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by ~springrain
it's not that i don't trust him, it's not that i don't believe him or in his feelings for me... it's about me... allowing his love to sink in, deep down, and really honor it.
coming from past relationships that were very destructive and abusive, this is a major hurdle for me. on some level, in my head, i know i "deserve" it... but on a much deeper level... i doubt... i get afraid... perhaps i am afraid that if i TRULY let it sink in, and i begin to trust... it will be taken away... and i'll be reminded that i am NOT worth it afterall...

*soft sigh*... i hope i don't sound pathetic here... i am just speaking to those insecurities that i think most of us hold deep inside and rarely confront.
Not pathetic at all... I'm beginning to wonder if you might just happen to be me... but wait, I'm here. So you can't be me.

Yes, this is exactly it. You keep thinking it's not going to last. Nothing so far has. Everything that's brought you to this point has been taken away, so, too, will this. I fear this every day. He keeps telling me I'm being silly, but until he's walked this mile in these shoes, he'll never understand the fear.
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Old 05-25-2003, 05:10 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I know you girls (Jadzia & Spring) have gone through tough times but I feel like screaming sometimes that you are so very very lucky to have your loves to hold onto. I know it's natural almost to second guess but you are so very fortunate to be able to be with the ones you love.
Enjoy it, relish in it....for you only find love like that every once in a while. Instead of doubting it - embrace it and thank the stars above for it.
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Old 05-25-2003, 05:56 PM   #20 (permalink)
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i ask myself that all of the time. i ask myself, 'why me? why did he pick me? what did i do or what does he see that i don't?' i've asked him before and told me things that no guy has ever told me while looking straight into my eyes and i can see it coming from his heart. i've never felt happier with anyone. i'd do anything for him and i fell bad for questioning him like i do. for me, it's more of questioning myself about things that i hate or feel weird about. it's my own fears getting in the way of me accepting everything. past relationships do have an effect sometimes. all the guys before me tried to control or change me. i felt caged and forgotten. you can't help but wornder if it will ever happen again. but for someone like him, i know he speaks true.
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Old 08-01-2006, 08:42 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Do I deserve love: What a profound and confusing question

I have been grappling with the question "Do I deserve Love?" for some time now. I go back and forth on the answer and try to generate that I do deserve love. I decided to look deeper into the question. Deserve means "To be worthy of; merit," synonym "earn". Earn means "To gain especially for the performance of service, labor, or work; To acquire or deserve as a result of effort or action; To yield as a result or profit; To gain a position through hard work and the accumulation of experience, often in the face of difficulties."

Now I had the basis upon which to answer. I have been trying to work hard enough to be worthy of or merit love. I can see that this is a never ending cycle of trying and accumulating experience and facing difficulties all to DESERVE the love I want.

Then it hit me: I cannot work hard enough to earn or deserve a miracle. I need to be open to miracles happening to me. Being loved or loving another IS a miracle. What if I can allow myself to be undeserving and still be open to receiving love. I can just relax into being loved. I am released from all the hard work to earn this love or the facing difficulties to keep this love alive. This is the opening to real freedom and joy.

Of course, when I relax into being loved, fear often arises that I will not be enough, and the love will not last.

QUOTE: You keep thinking it's not going to last. Nothing so far has. Everything that's brought you to this point has been taken away, so, to will this. I fear this every day..."

This is a fundamental error in reality. Yes. It is true. Everything has been, and will continue to be taken away. That is the nature of reality. The sunset dissapears and is gone in a few moments. This year's vegetable crop yields it treats and withers. Newborns grow and become teenagers and eventually leave to create lives on their own. Everywhere we look is impermenance. To try to hold onto the sunset would be insane. To insist that a newborn does not grow and learn would be foolish and cause anguish. To think that love won't evolve is setting oneself up for great disappointment.

Still, having love taken away is only one future, and focusing on this inevitability will only bring it about sooner. The love will be taken away. He or you will die, and so the love will vanish. That much is certain. The love could vanish sooner than that, and I hear that you are worried about it being taken away prematurely. Perhaps the most productive focus could be on creating, being and giving love: giving your radiance, joy enthusiasm and attention. By the act of creating and being love, you will experience what it is that you want to experience. Since he is already giving you the love you want, he may be inspired to deepen his gift of presence, attention, appreciation, respect and adoration.

Still, its one thing kowing this. It is another living it. What a phenonomenal laboratory we live in!
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Old 08-01-2006, 09:25 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Just off the top of my head...
I believe that we all deserve the respectful treatment that any living thing should be given.
I believe love is a choice.
I believe that love benefits the one who is loving as much as the one receiving it.
I believe that you can cultivate the seed of love in some people.
I believe some people are not capable of true love because of their warped hearts and minds.
I believe that if you withhold love from someone it can cause them more lasting harm than any other thing you could do to them.
I believe that those that do not show love toward others are often unloved to begin with.
I believe that we deserve love and that we should seek to find that love and we should not be satisfied until we DO find it.
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Old 08-01-2006, 09:41 AM   #23 (permalink)
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I have a kind of different perspective on this. It's kind of "woo-woo" and sometimes gets me in trouble when I try to explain it to people.

All there is, is love.

It's not a question of deserving it, it's a question of being open to it and seeing it for what it is.

In my cosmology, we enter into physical being in agreement with the other physical beings around us, and we make "contracts" with them to show us certian experiences, to teach us certain lessons. Those contracts are made by our subconscious "higher selves" in and of love. How they play out in life doesn't always look like what we as limited, physically manifested human beings conceive of as "love." Sometimes they look just the opposite.

I think about my family, and the struggles that came with living with an addicted father and a depressed mother. There was suffering and hardship and anger, but I was never so miserable as when I was resenting all of that. When I could see the lessons I learned from the situation, and how they shaped me into the person I am, I could let go of the resentment and the negative stories about myself and recognize the love behind everything that happened, and have compassion for the rest of my family.

So if you ask "do I deserve love," the answer is yes. Most importantly, you deserve your own unconditional love. And you deserve the love of the universe, and the love that you came here to find, however that looks.

If you are asking instead "do I deserve attention, validation, sympathy, agreement, and permanence," and calling that "love," that's a different story.

I have no idea if any of this is "true." I have seen and heard and experienced things that make this "feel" true, but most importantly this concept of love has let me release so many of the negative patterns that have hampered me in my life - kept me from fulfilling my potential, from being happy, from being open to love as it is expressed by others around me and not as I think it should be.
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Old 08-01-2006, 10:04 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raeanna74
I believe some people are not capable of true love because of their warped hearts and minds.
Hey... I resemble that remark... I know I'm not capable of love... but warped? Naw - I'm too uptight to be warped...
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Old 08-02-2006, 11:37 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lurkette
I have a kind of different perspective on this. It's kind of "woo-woo" and sometimes gets me in trouble when I try to explain it to people.

All there is, is love.

It's not a question of deserving it, it's a question of being open to it and seeing it for what it is.

In my cosmology, we enter into physical being in agreement with the other physical beings around us, and we make "contracts" with them to show us certian experiences, to teach us certain lessons. Those contracts are made by our subconscious "higher selves" in and of love. How they play out in life doesn't always look like what we as limited, physically manifested human beings conceive of as "love." Sometimes they look just the opposite.

I think about my family, and the struggles that came with living with an addicted father and a depressed mother. There was suffering and hardship and anger, but I was never so miserable as when I was resenting all of that. When I could see the lessons I learned from the situation, and how they shaped me into the person I am, I could let go of the resentment and the negative stories about myself and recognize the love behind everything that happened, and have compassion for the rest of my family.

So if you ask "do I deserve love," the answer is yes. Most importantly, you deserve your own unconditional love. And you deserve the love of the universe, and the love that you came here to find, however that looks.

If you are asking instead "do I deserve attention, validation, sympathy, agreement, and permanence," and calling that "love," that's a different story.

I have no idea if any of this is "true." I have seen and heard and experienced things that make this "feel" true, but most importantly this concept of love has let me release so many of the negative patterns that have hampered me in my life - kept me from fulfilling my potential, from being happy, from being open to love as it is expressed by others around me and not as I think it should be.
Wow, I love this post, lurkette. And I "feel" it's true, too.

Yes, I deserve love, and what's more, everyone deserves mine.
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Old 08-02-2006, 11:56 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mixedmedia

Yes, I deserve love, and what's more, everyone deserves mine.
Too true!

(damn 10 character limit)
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Old 08-02-2006, 12:36 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Lurkette, your philosophy isn't woo-woo at all. Of course, I say that because it's very similar to mine.

We are all here to learn from each other. And love is part of the lesson. I think love should be woven in to everything we do, because when we do that, we get love in return. We deserve love when we give it freely.
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Old 08-02-2006, 12:39 PM   #28 (permalink)
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bah... love is overrated...
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Old 08-02-2006, 01:01 PM   #29 (permalink)
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bah......even Oscar the Grouch needs love

Last edited by mixedmedia; 08-02-2006 at 01:02 PM.. Reason: uhhhhh....quibblin'
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Old 08-03-2006, 07:25 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Yes you deserve love and good things. Of course. But it's not about deserving. Like lurkette is saying, it just is.

Word of advice - to all you girls who tell your boyfriends that you feel you "don't deserve" him and that you're not "good enough" for him....don't tell him. It's not a good idea. It puts ideas into their heads and soon, when things get a little rough, they may start wondering the same thing. Bad karma....just saying

Never put yourself down that way. Maintain your independence and notion of self-worth and don't grovel. Respect yourself more and if you're not comfortable in the relationship, then move on. If you believe you deserve shit, then that's what you'll get.
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Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
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Old 08-03-2006, 07:57 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little_tippler
Yes you deserve love and good things. Of course. But it's not about deserving. Like lurkette is saying, it just is.

Word of advice - to all you girls who tell your boyfriends that you feel you "don't deserve" him and that you're not "good enough" for him....don't tell him. It's not a good idea. It puts ideas into their heads and soon, when things get a little rough, they may start wondering the same thing. Bad karma....just saying

Never put yourself down that way. Maintain your independence and notion of self-worth and don't grovel. Respect yourself more and if you're not comfortable in the relationship, then move on. If you believe you deserve shit, then that's what you'll get.
I agree with this. If you think you are undeserving of another, then you don't have self-confidence in yourself. Everyone deserves love and in fact it's inevitable not to have people in your life love you. If you view that you are undeserving, that is an issue you have with yourself, not necessarily love. Plus, you will have the person giving you love wondering what you are doing that makes you 'undeserving' of it. While it's good to communicate, it's sometimes good to think things through by yourself and find the root of why you feel you aren't good enough for another person. Before you can truly accept the love of others, you have to love yourself. And loving yourself can be the hardest thing to accomplish for some people.
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Old 11-01-2006, 04:26 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Location: In the middle of Montana
After years of going after men who I knew were wrong for me because I thought that was all I was worthy of, I finally came to the conclusion I was worth more than that. It took me losing everything I hold dear in my life... my parents, my family home, almost my life to see that I was worth more than that. After a year of severe depression, I pulled myself up by my bra straps and took a look at my life. I dont want to grow old alone because I kept ending up in dead end relationships. I met a man online and after chatting with him for 9 months, I traveled 5000 miles to Germany to meet him and spend a month with him. We knew as soon as we touched we were meant to be together. When I returned to the states, I cried half way across the ocean, I left my heart behind with him. He treated me with such respect and care I didnt know what to do. He couldnt believe that I was alone that no one wanted me. We are making plans for me to join him in the spring to begin our life together. He truly swept me off my feet and when we talk on the computer every day for at least 2 hours, it is like it was before I went, always something new... we are truly soul mates. I love him and he loves me and I feel so lucky to have found him. Two years ago I never would have felt worthy of his love. He makes me feel so special.
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Old 11-01-2006, 04:46 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Location: Out on a wire.
Of course I don't deserve Grace's love. It would be pretty arrogant of me to think that. Knowing this doesn't mean I'm any less grateful to have it, or that it means any less to me, or that it has any less power. If anything, it means more to me because I know that I don't deserve her love. It gives me a goal to works towards, to someday be a good enough person that I will deserve this gift that she gives me so freely and generously.
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