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Old 07-22-2003, 02:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Oxford, UK
How do I dispose of this dead hooker?

Help guys - I have a dead hooker in the bath, there's blood everywhere and it's broad daylight. I need to dispose of the slut's body before morning when the cleaner arrives.

How can I destroy all evidence of her presence?

Oh, there may be DNA evidence on the scene.
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
Loose Cunt
 
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Location: North Bondi RSL
I think Bundy owns a few pigs he can lend you...
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What's easier to believe: that a guy was born without sex in the manner of several Greek demigods and grew up to be able to transmute liquids and alter his body density yet couldn't escape government execution, or that three freemasons in a vehicle made with aluminum foil in an era before digital technology escaped our atmosphere, landing on the moon, broadcasted from there, and then flew back without burning up?
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Oxford, UK
No dice - I can't leave the house because it's daylight.

Come on guys - I could be in trouble here.
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
Loose Cunt
 
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Location: North Bondi RSL
Have you looked into osmosis? Just find a place with a huge saline concentration, then forge some type of semi-permiable membrane between there and your house, then let the salt gradient do all the work. The perfect crime.
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What's easier to believe: that a guy was born without sex in the manner of several Greek demigods and grew up to be able to transmute liquids and alter his body density yet couldn't escape government execution, or that three freemasons in a vehicle made with aluminum foil in an era before digital technology escaped our atmosphere, landing on the moon, broadcasted from there, and then flew back without burning up?
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: Autonomous Zone
First you need to get rid of the body, a good sharp knoife would be handy in this case. Cut it up into five pieces( I think you can figure that out) and store in plastic bags until you can easily burn them in a pile of leaves and sticks. Grind up the bones afterward and dump them in a river.
But that comes later. For right now, store the body parts in some place the cleaner doesn't go. Attic would be good. Suitcase as a last resort.
Clean up all the blood you can. Its not going to be possible to get it all so you need to make an excuse. This is the point where you "accedentally" slice your hand while cooking. Explain to the cleaner what happened and show the wound. Make sure its deep. Have her clean and leave and follow through with the body disposal. There is no way to get rid of the DNA so you should just make sure your not a suspect in the first place.

Good luck.
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Oxford, UK
okay I've checked on all the salt in the house. I put it in the bath with the body and started running the tap. All it did was make the blood curdle a bit and wash away.

I'm now out of salt and running out of time.
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Old 07-22-2003, 03:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
Fluxing wildly...
 
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Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Eat it. If you're lucky, she'll have plenty of drugs in her system and you'll get high as well as get a good feed.
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Old 07-22-2003, 03:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: On board the GSV Transitive Morality
Large green garbege bags. Opaque, strong, water tight. Slice her up and dispose of in bin. After the cleaner's gone (use the 'sliced hand' trick to cover for whatever blood you can't clean up) wait till night, get her out and use thermite to burn her. Won't leave a trace. DO any burning in an isolated area, as flesh smells bad. Make sure to burn the bags as well. Try not to cut in to the abdominal cavity, that's hell to clean up.
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Old 07-22-2003, 03:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
Loose Cunt
 
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Location: North Bondi RSL
Quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin
okay I've checked on all the salt in the house. I put it in the bath with the body and started running the tap. All it did was make the blood curdle a bit and wash away.

I'm now out of salt and running out of time.
Nah, the idea is to have the greatest concetration of salt where you want the body to go, and the lowest where the body is now.

Of course, it helps if the body is really really small...
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What's easier to believe: that a guy was born without sex in the manner of several Greek demigods and grew up to be able to transmute liquids and alter his body density yet couldn't escape government execution, or that three freemasons in a vehicle made with aluminum foil in an era before digital technology escaped our atmosphere, landing on the moon, broadcasted from there, and then flew back without burning up?
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Old 07-22-2003, 03:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
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call harvey keitel...
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Old 07-22-2003, 04:06 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Uppsala, Sweden
Blow up/burn down the house and say the Yakuza did it, that always works for me.
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Old 07-22-2003, 04:14 AM   #12 (permalink)
Mulletproof
 
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Location: Some nucking fut house.
Damn people. That's why I say always keep a supply of lime on hand. A properly limed body will keep for several days in the crawlspace (depending on temperature and humidity your milage may vary). As far as DNA, who is your house cleaner? Micheal Baden?
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Old 07-22-2003, 05:27 AM   #13 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Montreal
Do what I do whenever my doorbell rings. Fake mustache. And running. Lots of running.
You're welcome!
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Old 07-22-2003, 05:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
Know Where!
 
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steal industrial strength cleanser from a hospital
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Old 07-22-2003, 08:18 AM   #15 (permalink)
Squid
 
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Location: USS George Washington
Now let me ask you a question. When you posted in here, did you notice a sign out in front that said, "Dead hooker storage"?

Answer the question! Did you see a sign out in front of the TFP that said "Dead hooker storage"?

You know why you didn't see that sign?

Cause storin' dead hookers ain't our fuckin' business!

-Mikey
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Old 07-22-2003, 09:42 AM   #16 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Oxford, UK
Alright guys I've spent most of the last few hous sawing up the body with a bread knife - it's getting pretty blunt now! The body is now in seven sections (head, two arms, torso, left leg, right thigh, right lower leg). I need to get rid of these hooker pieces without leaving the house.

I can't find any matches and I can't get to the chemical store which is in the garden which this house shares with the neighbour.

Also, I should probably explain that this isn't my house and that's not my car.
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Old 07-22-2003, 09:56 AM   #17 (permalink)
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wow sounds like you have your hands full I'm surprised you even find time to post.
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Old 07-22-2003, 10:03 AM   #18 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Oxford, UK
Believe me - I'm running out of ideas. I need the collective wisdom of the tfproject boards to help me.

The mouse is getting gummed up with blood.
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Old 07-22-2003, 11:01 AM   #19 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Springfield, VA
There was an awesome guide by Batjew in Penny-Arcade on how to dispose of dead hookers, but I think they took it down. I believe in involved cutting it up into small pieces as has already been mentioned.
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Old 07-22-2003, 11:05 AM   #20 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Springfield, VA
Here it is:

JERM

HI, Batjew here. Okay I'm going to assume you don't have a basement with a lime pit, dogs, walk-in freezer, industrial meat grinder or fishing boar with access to the ocean. Your best bet is to bleed them out in the shower (hopefully your shower curtain rod is strong enough that you can tie them up one at a time by their feet), and then use whatever large cutting devices you might have. As long as they're bled out it won't really matter too much, but the cleaner the cuts the better. You don't want too many little hooker bits laying around. Anyways, cut them up into chunks no more than 5-10lbs each. Let me remind you that barring a basement with a drain or lime pit your best place to be doing all of this is still your everyday bathtub. With these chunks in the bathtub, run the water a bit to get any additional gunky hooker fluids out.

NOW! Time for the hefty garbage bags! VERY VERY IMPORTANT: Don't go overboard and stuff too much hooker in any single bag! Go to Costco if you have to and buy the bags in bulk! Be sure to mix and match. ALSO: Batjew Fun Fact! Sprinkle liberal amounts of sawdust and OXICLEAN in the bags to soak up any remains drips! Don't want any extra stinky flesh to draw too much attention after all. OK! You'll probably need to make a few trips but don't worry! You should be able to dump everything before it stinks too bad. Your best bet is dumpsters behind large bookstores! No one suspects heavy bags, and most importantly BUMS DON'T GO DIVING FOR FOOD IN THEM. Consider yourself lucky that it was just some hookers! No one ever looks for hookers and even if someone does they never look very hard.

Love, Luck & Lollipops! Batjew
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Old 07-22-2003, 11:51 AM   #21 (permalink)
is you wicked?
 
Location: I live in a giant bucket.
You know... we've had a lot of laughs in this thread, but I'll tell not funny. Killing hookers. Hookers are people too. Naked people who are willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later. Besides, there's no need to kill them. Because most of them are already dead inside.
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Old 07-22-2003, 12:02 PM   #22 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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You know... there are some pretty weird people on TFP, I'll admit. But... I really hope that this is all just a joke.
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:31 PM   #23 (permalink)
Gastrolithuanian
 
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Location: low-velocity Earth orbit
Has anyone seen Bundy lately?

A coincidence?

I think not.
-GH
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:38 PM   #24 (permalink)
Upright
 
cut into as little of peices as you can, remove bones, garbage disposal..... get sledge hammer and mash bones to dust, put in river or flush down toilet! tadah!
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Old 07-22-2003, 04:10 PM   #25 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: OlyWa
i have some song lyrics for you...

I live life like Iím playing a game of X-box
I donít give a fuck if I die or get caught
There I am, god-damn, everything was smooth
I woke up with a bloody bitch dead in the bathroom
My wicked shit praise that I heard through the days
Somehow now relays my new murderous ways
Violent J's not around but Moon Glorious is there
Scared of fucking death, and what's happening here
Blood in the tub as I scrub a dub, on my knees geez
I hope she ainít have a disease
I need the keys to the shed, I'ma cut the head off
My daddy got a knife in there to cut lead off
How should I do this, what sounds fun?
I just sat on her headpiece and twiddled my thumbs
Finally said fuck it, stomped her face
Sunk in like a pumpkin, I left no trace

Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (on my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, deep in the night I be thugging
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, end of the night I be scrubbing

You must think Iím some kind of fucking idiot, don't ya?
What you think I'ma do, warn you when Iím on ya?
Thatís what TV do, with forensic files
Teaching all your secrets and styles
Got that (?) for your crime lab
Youíll find nothing but a carcass slab
I got fourty dead bodies all buried out back
And if a limbís sticking out when Iím mowing I handle that
This bitch donít, she deserve this
She had a neden that wouldnít provide service
She even stuck a stiletto in my eye
Three inches deep and I still couldnít see why
I had to stab her with a toothbrush in the throat
And then stuff the bitch mouth with a bar of soap
Drown the bitch in a toilet at that
Look at them tiles, she dead on crack

Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (on my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, deep in the night I be thugging
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, end of the night I be scrubbing

Four o' clock in the morning out here and one slip up
Had to freeze her so the bitch ainít a dripper
Unzip the zipper, feel like Jack the Ripper
Had to monkey flip her in a wood chipper
Blood on my walls, mirrors and floors
Some even on the carpet from under the doors
I never saw so much fucking blood before
A slutty whore with more blood than a dinosaur
Ajax is a (?), call Mr. Clean
Tell him and Comet theyíre needed at the scene
Scrubbed all night to some old color me bad
Wrapped up the bloody towels in a garbage bag
Send it to the curb, it ainít absurd
This weekís been good, that bitch was the third
Hellís Pitís gots a cactus waiting on my ass
So expect me to cry when its time to pass

Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (on my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, deep in the night I be thugging
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, end of the night I be scrubbing


Hope that helps!!

BTW that (?) is a chemical that you need, who ever typed out these lyrics didnt know, and i cant recall it off the top of my head... find the song if you want to know i guess (downloading this song is ok by the RIAA i guess since its an internet single)

song is Bloody Bitch by ICP

Last edited by Ogre840; 07-22-2003 at 04:14 PM..
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Old 07-22-2003, 08:19 PM   #26 (permalink)
.
 
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Location: Tokyo
you are going to have to eat her.

every last bit.
except the brain and the spinal chord. chop those up and feed them to the cat.
and shave up those bones, and mix them in with the kitty litter.
then you have to lick all the dna evidence right off the floor.

have fun.
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Old 07-22-2003, 09:09 PM   #27 (permalink)
Zeroed In
 
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Location: CA
Quote:
Originally posted by Batman976
You know... we've had a lot of laughs in this thread, but I'll tell not funny. Killing hookers. Hookers are people too. Naked people who are willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later. Besides, there's no need to kill them. Because most of them are already dead inside.
gotta love family guy. well done.
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Old 07-23-2003, 12:11 AM   #28 (permalink)
Insane
 
Drum of acid . . . don't want to leave any forensic traces of yourself on the drum tho
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Old 07-23-2003, 01:41 AM   #29 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Oxford, UK
Acid's in the chemical store which I can't get to.
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Old 07-23-2003, 02:07 AM   #30 (permalink)
Junkie
 
...how attached are you to your neighbor?
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Old 07-23-2003, 05:39 AM   #31 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: England Home of RWC Champions
Okay to summarise your problem. You have a body in 7 pieces, I'm assuming they are relatively small as you don't seem weird enough to hire fat hookers. You can't leave the house and you can't use acid from the garden. So the only really option is burial. It's not ideal, go into the basement and dig down about 4 foot. Any more than that and it's a waste of effort. Bury the body parts then re-concrete the floor. At this point place all the clothes and utensils you used in the furnace. The heat will remove all traces of bood and dna from the breadknife which can then be thrown as normal. As for the bathroom get a sprak gun and spray then entire bathroom with bleach. This will get rid of the majority of your problems.

You will then need to sell your house and move, I hear Liberia has a pretty liberal killing laws at the moment, you may be welcome there.
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Old 07-23-2003, 05:48 AM   #32 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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Location: Lost Angeles
Call the Police and explain that she was breaking into your house and you had to defend yourself. Make sure you leave some pry marks on a window and door, and to be safe get one of her hands and put fingerprints on a screwdriver and the door or window you choose.


SELF DEFENCE YOUR HONOR!!

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Old 07-23-2003, 08:28 AM   #33 (permalink)
spurt king
 
Location: Out of my mind
<img src="http://dahi.us/lamp/images/prostitute.jpg">

Moo Moo Melinda RIP
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Old 07-23-2003, 08:37 AM   #34 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: MA
If the hooker was still in one piece you could do some Weekend at Bernie's action to get her out of the house...to bad she's dismembered.

Maybe you could grind her up and use her as fertilizer....

DEAD HOOKER: PROVIDES ALL NUTRIENTS NEEDED FOR A HEALTHY GARDEN!
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Old 07-23-2003, 03:54 PM   #35 (permalink)
Crazy
 
lime, you have to use lots of lime.
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Old 07-23-2003, 06:15 PM   #36 (permalink)
Indifferent to anti-matter
 
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Location: Tucson, AZ
Quote:
Originally posted by glophead
Batjew
Gesundheit.

If it's not your house, what's the problem? Wipe off all finger prints and get the fuck out. Run far, far away. Hide under covers. Try desperately to wake up.

If that's not a viable option, fuck the torso piece one last time. Get your money's worth.

Or do I go to far, yet again?
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Old 07-23-2003, 07:09 PM   #37 (permalink)
Modern Man
 
Location: West Michigan
Close your eyes...it will all go away.
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Old 07-23-2003, 09:24 PM   #38 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: outer reaches of space
take her out to a cabin in the woods and get a copy of the necronomicon...

let the hijinx begin !


dont forget the chainsaw..




ash rules !

"gimme some sugar baby! "
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Old 07-23-2003, 11:06 PM   #39 (permalink)
Poo-tee-weet?
 
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Location: The Woodlands, TX
You ain't got no problems, Taliesin
I'm on the motherfucker. Go back
in there, chill them hookers out
and wait for The Wolf, who should
be comin' directly.
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Old 07-24-2003, 04:40 PM   #40 (permalink)
Insane
 
Man . . that bitch must be startin' to stink up the place . . got any air freshener ???
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