Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Chatter > Tilted Fun Zone


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-11-2003, 07:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: NYC
I Didn't Mean To Lead You On By Fucking You

I Didn't Mean To Lead You On By Fucking You

http://onion.com/onion3846/lead_you_on.html

Hey, Lisa. Yes, I did get your phone messages, and I am so sorry I didn't get back to you right away. I'm glad you agreed to meet me for coffee, though, because we need to talk. See, I was sort of confused by some of the things you said on my voicemail: "Hey, that Kurosawa festival at the Orpheum was extended another week if you want to go." "There's a new Cuban place on Eustace Street. I'm free Thursday evening if you're interested." "Hi, Len, it's Lisa. Call me."

Since we only met last weekend, I didn't really understand all this chummy familiarity. It took me a while to figure it out, but I finally realized that a big misunderstanding had occurred: You think there's something between us. Lisa, you're a really nice, intelligent, attractive girl, and I'm truly sorry to have to say this, but I didn't mean to lead you on last weekend by fucking you.

Please don't feel embarrassed. Some of it, admittedly, is my fault. Looking back on my actions, I can see how there may have been one or two things that made you think I was reciprocating your advances. Like making out with you in that back booth of the bar for 40 minutes. Or how, when we came back to my apartment, I slowly undressed you in my bedroom. Or how I kissed the nape of your neck and shoulders and caressed your bare breasts with one hand as I stimulated your clitoris with the other. Or maybe it was that half-hour of intense cunnilingus before our extremely gratifying intercourse that gave you the wrong idea. I guess I can see how all that foreplay might have been misleading.

Lisa, please don't be offended by what I'm about to ask, but have you been with many men? If you haven't, it's okay-that's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just that, well, a more experienced woman would have quickly deduced from my body language that the fucking wasn't leading to anything. For example, as you were straddling me, I never squeezed your buttocks; I only rested my hands on them. And it's a universally understood notion that when, after climax, a man gets up to go to the bathroom, then goes back to bed and falls asleep with his body turned facing the wall, he's not interested in pursuing anything with the woman.

I sense you're upset and embarrassed, and I'm genuinely sorry. That's totally understandable. You misread the signals I was giving off. If it makes you feel any better, I, too, have misread cues plenty of times. A few months ago, I was sitting on the bus when a pretty girl came aboard. As she walked past, she made extremely brief eye contact, then sat in the seat behind me. Naturally, I thought she was hitting on me. I turned around, smiled, said hello, and began chatting her up. It wasn't long before I started putting the moves on her, but instead of returning my amorous advances, she told me to get lost. So, you see, Lisa, I've been there. The only difference is that in my case, I was definitely being hit on. To this day, I firmly believe that girl was flirting, putting on the coy act. What I misread was the extent to which she was a little tease.

My point is, I know what it's like to be on the other side of that scenario. I just wish someone had set me straight like I'm doing here with you. I had to learn it the hard way.

Okay, I was hoping I wouldn't have to say this, but you've forced me to be more blunt: I don't find you sexually attractive. You're just not my type. You're definitely cute, but I prefer tall, long-torsoed women with freckles on their shoulders and small, pert breasts.

What do you mean, "That describes me perfectly"? Maybe you should find a full-length mirror and take a long, hard, honest look at yourself. Sometimes, our self-image can be severely distorted. I'm not judging you-we're all human and have our frailties. But, Lisa, you're not tall and long-torsoed. Five-feet-nine is not considered tall for a woman. Perhaps in Asia.

Look, I think we're getting into some of your personal issues that don't need to be addressed here. Indulge me on this final point, and I'll let you go. This is no great loss for you. You seem like a lovely girl, and I'm sure you'll find a man very soon. But next time, try to be more aware of what that man is thinking and feeling, and you'll spare yourself a lot of pain. From the angle at which he puts his penis in you to the way he post-coitally strokes your hair, there are many signs a man gives off that will communicate whether he's truly interested in you. The sooner you are able to read them, the happier you'll be.

So let's be friends, okay? Now, how about a hug? No? Come on, don't be like that.

Although, I must admit, your little hostility act is giving me a hard-on. What? Come on, there's no need to get upset. It's strictly a platonic hard-on.
__________________
When I jerk off I feel good for about twenty seconds and then WHAM it's right back into suicidal depression

Mr. Mojo is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 08:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
LOL that was funny
Glory's Sun is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 08:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
Go faster!
 
DEI37's Avatar
 
Location: Wisconsin
That is pretty funny. Wonder what a reply to that would be!!
__________________
Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.
DEI37 is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 01:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
Veteran
 
Snoogans's Avatar
 
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
high quality comedy!
__________________
Internet hint: If someone's asking if what they do is weird, it always is.
Snoogans is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 01:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
Naughty Just Right
 
Angel's Avatar
 
Location: Euphoria
LOL!
The worst part is there are actually people like this!
__________________


In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus
Angel is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 01:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
I change
 
ARTelevision's Avatar
 
Location: USA
The whole time, Lisa is thinking...
"He's a loser who would rather jerk-off than relate to a real woman."

Lisa's the better of the two by a long shot.
Just my two cents...
__________________
create evolution
ARTelevision is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 01:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: In a van, down by the river
hahaha "It's strictly a platonic hard-on." I like that one!
blaze is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 02:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
Inspired by the mind's eye.
 
mirevolver's Avatar
 
Location: Between the darkness and the light.
That's great. The Onion is always great though.
__________________
Aside from my great plans to become the future dictator of the moon, I have little interest in political discussions.
mirevolver is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 04:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
Giggity Giggity!!
 
GuttersnipeXL's Avatar
 
Location: N'York
Quote:
Originally posted by Melun Jinn
Jesus. I wish I had had the guts to say THAT to some of the loosers I have fucked.
Your response speaks volumes about who you are. Try to remember that in future posts.

Anyway, how could anyone say that to another person?...A little overkill I say.
__________________
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. HST
GuttersnipeXL is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 04:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
delusional
 
Modo's Avatar
 
Location: USA half way between East and West
Very funny and I learned something about myself I think, maybe? Im just not that articulate.
Modo is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 04:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
Loser
 
It CAN go the other way.
Women to men, that is.

And it usually is done in a less crude fashion over a period of time.
But the results are the same.

Rationalizing your selfishness, people do it everyday.
oops, my bad, sorry, thanks, you're one cool person, bye.

Interesting twist on reality, thanks.
rogue49 is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 06:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
ham on rye would be nice
 
greyeyes's Avatar
 
Location: I don't even know anymore
that's great
funny stuff
__________________
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff
greyeyes is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 11:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
Winter is Coming
 
Frosstbyte's Avatar
 
Location: The North
Ah the Onion. Not the first time they've created such a masterpiece of sarcasm. Well done. Thank you for posting it.
Frosstbyte is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 08:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
Appreciative
 
Location: Paradise
Rogue49 hit it on the head, the reason that this is so funny is that there are hints of truth in it. The complex games males and females play. Platonic hard-on, I will have to remember that one...
teflonian is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 11:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
Transfer Agent
 
troit's Avatar
 
Location: NYC
Quote:
Originally posted by ARTelevision
The whole time, Lisa is thinking...
"He's a loser who would rather jerk-off than relate to a real woman."

Lisa's the better of the two by a long shot.
Just my two cents...
I thought it was amusing but Art does bring up a good point. There is nothing like getting walked all over by the opposite sex to make you feel like shit. Amusing to read. Not cool to do.
__________________
I've yet to dephile myself...
troit is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 12:44 PM   #16 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Minx's Avatar
 
Location: Up yonder
As Rogue said, it can unfortunately go both ways (as a lot of things do). It's the theory of "I like you enough to do you but not to be with you." Nice.
__________________
You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!
Minx is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 01:37 PM   #17 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: Northeast Ohio
That was great!
__________________
"Every tomorrow brings new opportunities, challenges we must address...A chance to affirm all our wishes and dreams, to seek beauty and true happiness."
sierra2774 is offline  
Old 05-12-2003, 04:39 PM   #18 (permalink)
There's someone in my head, but its not me
 
Zotz's Avatar
 
That was very amusing!
Zotz is offline  
 

Tags
fucking, lead

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 06:33 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360