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Old 08-08-2005, 08:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Missouri
Beating Friends at Video games

Ok, so I'm working on this column sort of thing for my website, because I thought it might be fun.

It's called "101 Ways To Beat your firends at Video Games"

Basically, I'm looking to make it a humourous sort of piece, so all things are welcome, and of course serious suggestions are allowed as well. Bottom line is, there's no way in hell i could build such a list on my own, and even if i did, I'm sure it will be funnier if I get input from multiple places, so i'm trying to throw the idea around a few places I post at.

Obviously I won't use all of them exactly as they are posted here, but if you guys want credit by name, I could probably give it, particuarly if you ask nicely because I'm friendly like that.

So yeah...ready go.


I always figured the best way is to turn the game into some form of drinking game, then hold liquor better than them. You start taking shots for ever turnover in a game of madden, shit gets really intresting.

Throwing Cheetos works

As does soliticing his/her girlfriend for sexual favors during gameplay.

k, Your turn.
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Old 08-08-2005, 09:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Mattoon, Il
In madden, when the score's close (and you're winning) and the game's almost over, and your friend is going to try a desperate last second play, as he snaps the ball, punch him in the side of the head, and sack his qb while he's on the ground.
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Old 08-08-2005, 09:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: House Of Horrors
chopps* works well if your sitting next to him...



*a back-handed slap to the solarplexes(sp)
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Old 08-08-2005, 09:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
Vroom!
 
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Location: Toronto
Hide in the washroom...

This always worked.

(Goldeneye - Facility)
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Old 08-08-2005, 10:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by t3m3st
Hide in the washroom...

This always worked.

(Goldeneye - Facility)
Hahahahaha.... that brought back some good memories.

My way to win at team games? When you're divying up teams, put the TKer on the other team.
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Old 08-08-2005, 11:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
Blood + Fire
 
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Location: New Zealand
-Unplug the controller.

-Sit on their face.

-Say you fucked their mother

-Say you fucked their father
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Old 08-09-2005, 02:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Location: Perth, Australia
For those less PC kinds, The BattleCat's Netplay Etiquette Guide.

Some highlights:

Quote:
When you see your opponent in your motion detector, shove the guy out of his chair and kill his Marine. If afterwards he suddenly lunges to shove at you, you know he is just around the corner, so SPNKR his hinney. After that you are even but you are now two kills up on him.

If you can anger your opposition, he will be a poorer player so keep your cool and make him lose his. Tell him his girlfriend is so bone dog ugly she would scare the buzzards off a gut wagon, you know his weaknesses better than I so you are basically on your own here.

Blind side your opponent by dousing his lights with a sucker punch. While he lies sleeping, swallowing his teeth, keep hitting his action key and rekilling his Marine. When he wakes up, tell him you fought off the intruder and were nurturing him back to consciousness. Try to keep a straight face because this last part is important.

Play with someone dumber than you. There must be someone. Keep looking.

Take a big mouthful of clam chowder and fake barfing on your opponent. Good for several kills before he recovers, if you can reach his action key. Lick some drips up or loudly slurp up some chowder puddles on the desk after he recovers, one more kill guaranteed with this maneuver.

Bash your opponent over the head brutally with a heavy, blunt object. You will feel much better and you will have the advantage for at least an hour.

Bring a real pistol with you into the game room. Each time you are killed, shriek a profanity and fire a shot into the ceiling. Soon you will start winning.
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If you are Muslim. Shout "Allah Akbar!!!" just before you use a rocket to suicide bomb on someone's Marine.

If you are Christian. You can't suicide bomb. Technically you shouldn't be here in the first place, just remember to turn the other butt cheek if you are shot in the caboose.

If you are Jewish. You can't suicide. Oy vie, the guilt, suicide anyway, there's money riding on the score.

If you are Hindu. Cool, you can hold every weapon at the same time!

If you are Buddhist. Each time you action key back to life you will be a more advanced spiritual being until, as a point of pure radiant light, you leave the bounds of this earthly plane taking your Marathon CD with you. If you notice your forehead receding, your ears getting pointy and you have a new found ability to lick your balls, rethink your tactics, you have obviously been playing like the following people:
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Old 08-09-2005, 03:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: I mostly come out at night, mostly...
If they pause a game to go to the toilet or something, unpause the game and kill them/score against them/overtake them or whatever and then repause it before they get back.
I always liked sneakily tugging their controller wire so it only comes out a little bit, it looks like its still plugged in from across the room, but its out far enough not to work!
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Old 08-09-2005, 06:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
is a tiger
 
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This only works if you're at separate comps:
Type something that involves them typing for a long period of time. Kill them while they're typing
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Old 08-09-2005, 07:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: The "Canyon"
I remember back when CyberBall came out, a friend of mine did this. He actually rented a full sized CyberBall machine for a weekend and played it virtually non stop. He obviously ended up getting really good at it. This was all in preparation for a local arcadce's CyberBall tournament. He entered it and won. I forget what the prize was, but I know it was more than the cost of the weekend rental. Pretty smart, and not cheating!

As for fighting games, find the one cheezy, piddily attack that always seems to always connect and repeat, repeat, repeat it. Don't go for combos, don't go for style, don't go for special moves or flashy finishes, just beat your opponent down with one move. For example, Fatal Fury, choose Andy Bogart, use ONLY the dashing elbow, you win! WWF Superstars, choose Doink, use ONLY the boxing glove punch, you win!
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Old 08-09-2005, 12:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
big damn hero
 
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Aside from some of the great ones mentioned here (unplug the controller a bit, talk about the other guy's mom/girlfriend/dog) I knew a guy who would tell the grossest stories to knock the other's off their game.

He'd tell us about his last bowel movement, wiping his ass and finding corn even though he hadn't had corn in a week. Various body functions or stories about finding something odd on his body and asking if we'd take a look. He was just a very big, very gross 10 year-old trapped in a 17 year-olds body.

Another guy I knew would make up Harlequin romance type stories about whoever he was trying to kill and...well, everybody else or make up new (usually quite suggestive) lyrics to songs and share them.
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Old 08-09-2005, 12:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Ever watch Baseketball? That's got tons of ways to get into your opponent's head.

The one that gets me, chewing on tin foil.
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Old 08-09-2005, 02:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Location: Oregon
The drinking game one is what usually works in my favor. We turn old-fashioned Mario Kart into a drinking game. If it's just 2 people playing Mario Grand Prix, you drink according to the number of places you lost by. My best friend is an excellent Mario Kart player but can't hold his booze to save his life. So by the time we hit the end of Flower Cup, I'm already starting to win
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Old 08-09-2005, 05:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
Getting Medieval on your ass
 
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Location: 13th century Europe
I once played Mega Bomberman (4 player) with some friends where the winner of each round had to do a shot. I won five rounds in a row to start the night off and was still going strong before they gave up and decided to do something else. Yeah, they sucked at Mega Bomberman.
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Old 08-09-2005, 11:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
Insane
 
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Location: Austin, TX
If you're hosting a network game, you have total control. When you unplug your ethernet connection, the other players freeze in place while you have free reign to walk around and kill all the frozen players. They assume it's lag... for about the first 2 kills anyway...
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Old 08-10-2005, 04:08 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Location: Lost in thought
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Pollo
If you're hosting a network game, you have total control. When you unplug your ethernet connection, the other players freeze in place while you have free reign to walk around and kill all the frozen players. They assume it's lag... for about the first 2 kills anyway...
If you had some sort of ethernet toggle or killswitch next to the keyboard, you could flip it off for a couple of seconds, then back on. Suddenly, you're warping around the map and out of fights you can't win. And if you're an experienced sniper, a couple seconds is more than enough to draw a bead on a stationary body.
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Old 08-10-2005, 04:40 AM   #17 (permalink)
Pickles
 
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Location: Shirt and Pants (NJ)
Say, "Hey! Look over there!" and point.

Works every time.
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Old 08-10-2005, 04:19 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Lots of smalk talking and loud yelling to get them mad.
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Old 08-10-2005, 07:55 PM   #19 (permalink)
is a tiger
 
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dengar
Lots of smalk talking and loud yelling to get them mad.
Usually, that just makes me laugh. But maybe that'll out me at a disadvantage?
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Old 08-10-2005, 08:49 PM   #20 (permalink)
lonely rolling star
 
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Location: Seattle.
Man, i always get my buddies either stoned or drunk, and i just talk about nothing while they're trying to focus.
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Old 08-11-2005, 02:51 AM   #21 (permalink)
Pickles
 
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Location: Shirt and Pants (NJ)
Getting me stoned and/or drunk usually enhances my gameplaying ability. Tho you're welcome to try that plan on me at any time
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Old 08-11-2005, 03:37 PM   #22 (permalink)
Oh shit it's Wayne Brady!
 
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Location: Passenger seat of Wayne Brady's car.
Play Fight Night Round 2 against someone else who has never played it. When you tell him how to play, DON'T tell him how to throw haymakers or block. Then when it's game-time, throw a flurry of haymakers at his face. KO in round 1.
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Old 08-11-2005, 03:57 PM   #23 (permalink)
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On Top Gear (a British car show) they got the world best snooker player in (I've forgotten his name...) They took him over to a snooker table, and said "we're going to see how fast you can pot thsese balls." Seeing as you have to pot a red, colour, red, colour, then all the colours in order, etc. it works out to a minimum of 14 (only 4 reds on the table.) He's about to start, when the presented points to a screen behind him. "Actually," he says "you have to do it faster than The Stig (their in house driver) can drive YOUR CAR (Mercedes SL 500) around our track."
He only fluffed one shot, and made it about 5 seconds faster than the test lap (About 1:50) Full of the presenter saying "Oh, look, he's wheelspinning. Those are your tyres!" etc. Genius.
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Old 08-13-2005, 12:51 PM   #24 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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Location: io-where?
Quote:
As for fighting games, find the one cheezy, piddily attack that always seems to always connect and repeat, repeat, repeat it. Don't go for combos, don't go for style, don't go for special moves or flashy finishes, just beat your opponent down with one move. For example, Fatal Fury, choose Andy Bogart, use ONLY the dashing elbow, you win! WWF Superstars, choose Doink, use ONLY the boxing glove punch, you win!
Alex?!?!

I used to get so pissed off at my brother for doing this with fighting games. I'm 4 years older than him so when we were both kids I would be trying all the cool combo moves but since he didn't really understand combos he would just hit B for 5 minutes until I got frustrated and quit. He's largely the reason I stopped playing fighting games altogether!
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Old 08-13-2005, 03:23 PM   #25 (permalink)
can't help but laugh
 
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Location: dar al-harb
as briefly mentioned before... a well-placed scream goes a long way.

if your competitition is in a tight position, letting out little nervous screams here-and-there usually takes them out of their gaming frame of mind. they're either thinking about how nervous they are (taking them out of their game) or how ridiculously stupid you sound (taking them out of their game). either way, it can be effective.
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Old 08-14-2005, 06:22 AM   #26 (permalink)
Insane
 
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Location: Boston, MA
Spill something on them. It is very difficult to concentrate when someone is pouring coke on your lap.

Or spill something on their controller. It will either brake the controler or make the buttons stick....its a win win (unless of course its your controller)
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Old 08-14-2005, 08:28 AM   #27 (permalink)
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My friends and I use something called "Moral Victories".

Basically, you set up your own rules to 'win'. Your goal is to do something really stupid that embarrasses your friend in the game. Its especially fun if you declare your intention ahead of time. As a example, charging at your friend who has a machine guy and somehow knife him. It doesnt matter that you lost 20-1. You have the moral victory and you can gloat over him.
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Old 08-14-2005, 08:38 AM   #28 (permalink)
is a tiger
 
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Quote:
Originally Posted by thirdspin
As a example, charging at your friend who has a machine guy and somehow knife him. It doesnt matter that you lost 20-1. You have the moral victory and you can gloat over him.
Reminds me of the time I followed my buddy around half a map and then finally knifed him. I even announced it.

Seige: "Hehe, I'm going to knife you Jeff"
Jeff: "Oh shit"
*Ka-shink*
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Old 08-14-2005, 01:51 PM   #29 (permalink)
Oh shit it's Wayne Brady!
 
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Location: Passenger seat of Wayne Brady's car.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seige
Reminds me of the time I followed my buddy around ... and then finally knifed him.
If we weren't talking about videogames...lol
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Old 08-15-2005, 03:41 PM   #30 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: the closest dorm room
calling out "Hey, Check this out!" and when he looks over show him your best texas belt buckle, minimum 10 seconds of no competition
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Old 08-15-2005, 08:19 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Location: Columbia, MO
Here is a tip if you are in a dorm room. Just have some people uninterested in games (in my case it was the russian tennis chick down the hall) sit on the other side of the room. When you're in trouble say something to make her move just to block the screen!

CONGRATS! You have been able to thwart your foe and make it look like someone elses fault!
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Old 08-15-2005, 10:01 PM   #32 (permalink)
is a tiger
 
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Quote:
Originally Posted by TrumanTT
Here is a tip if you are in a dorm room. Just have some people uninterested in games (in my case it was the russian tennis chick down the hall) sit on the other side of the room. When you're in trouble say something to make her move just to block the screen!

CONGRATS! You have been able to thwart your foe and make it look like someone elses fault!
Won't that mess you up also? Unless your friend is trying to do some ultra difficult sniper shot, chances are, you're going to die anyway.

The better way is to tell the russian chick a short disturbing story about your opponent. Something like "did you know XXX once ran over this really cute cat?" Or whatever will get her to smack them a few times
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Old 08-19-2005, 11:11 AM   #33 (permalink)
Banned
 
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Location: The Cosmos
101 is too many I think. Just get like the top 50.

#33 Fart loudly.
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Old 08-19-2005, 12:30 PM   #34 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: France
Quote:
Originally Posted by t3m3st
Hide in the washroom...

This always worked.

(Goldeneye - Facility)
haha, facility with proximity mines would rock...you'd get them mines put in that pre-washroom roomand wait...the other player would get soooo effing mad.
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Old 08-19-2005, 12:40 PM   #35 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: France
-Disturbingly stroke his thigh getting higher and higher...even the most focused player will lose most of his reflexes lol
-On CS, flash the hell out of him, use a smoke grenade to be annoying, then sneak up and knife him. that should get him pretty frustrated, so its easy to kill him in the next rounds.
-Talk to him about penises. Have a debate about them.
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Old 08-19-2005, 03:48 PM   #36 (permalink)
is a tiger
 
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Quote:
Originally Posted by biznatch
-On CS, flash the hell out of him
Yeah, good plan. But won't that distract you? I mean, you gotta unzip your pants and all

A good way to kill your own teammate in CS is to wait for everyone on your team to charge in, and throw a flashbang right in front of them. Even if it's a 5:1 your team: opponents ratio, the flashbang (if placed and timed well) will blind them for the maximum amount of time, while the other team wonders what the hell is going on.

Or you can replace flashbang with grenade.

Don't even get me started about friendly fire
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Old 09-03-2005, 05:33 PM   #37 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Australia
Starting singing the whole score of either West Side Story or Grease, and make sure you use falsetto for the women characters.

Talk about how you think that the *insert colour that the opponent has* coloured controller is so erotic that you practice fornicating on it.

Hold your controller upside down and if you win once say how much better you are.

Replace his controller with paper mache.

While person goes to the bathroom, replace console with loaf of bread, and controllers with a fishing line, and talk about how the rain of hot dogs yesterday came a little early.

Bring a tazer. Use it. (Also cow-prod works well)

Everytime you loose shout out to the ref saying send him off and smack the controller out of the opponent's hand (even if you aren't playing a sports game. Especially if you aren't playing one).

When playing a MMORPG, compose an email with them around to the mods how he molested you and your gaming experience with his in-game flatuence.

If playing a game with your friends in the neighbourhood, and your friend down the street is hosting it, climb through his window and steal the server and run.

More to come...
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Old 09-03-2005, 08:20 PM   #38 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Reality
You're all forgetting the most important one.

Be better than them.

What, you were expecting something fancy?
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Old 09-05-2005, 05:04 PM   #39 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: France
On fighting games such as Tekken or Mortal Kombat, do only the same annoying move...
like a straight mid kick...everytime he comes towards you...
he can try the most complicated moves to counter it but most of the times you'll hit him. He'll get extremely frustrated, and you'll win easily.
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:07 AM   #40 (permalink)
Oh dear God he breeded
 
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Location: Arizona
If you are playng halo against someone in the same room, zoom in and out all the time wit the sniper rifle. They will panic the first few times they hear it, then they will ignor it, after you head shot them, repeat cycle.
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