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Old 03-09-2006, 01:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Absurdist Sketch. [I]Mostly Not Concerning a Sandwich[/I]

Mostly not concerning a sandwich
By: anthony Fama 2005
mom
james
jenny
josh
derrick
steve
steve
bekki
polic1
2
3

mom is doing mom things.

Mom: james honey, could you come in here.

(James enter smoking, playing with a knife. Obviously a ruffian greaser type.)

James: yeah what.

Mom: as you know I hhave a pta meeting to go to tonight so I’ll need tyou to watch sammy and jenny tonight.

James: what?! Mo-om, you know I had plans tonight!

Mom: well you’ll just have to cancel them.

James: but tonights the meteor shower! I’m meeting derrick and steve at the observatory at 9!

Mom: well you’ll just have to catch it on re-runs.

James: mo-om! I have three years of research hinging on tonights experi-

Mom: not another word! Now I’m going upstairs to get ready. I’ll be down in fifteen to kiss you good bye. Exits.

James: damnit! What do I do? All these years of research! I’ll just have to sneak out. That’s what I’ll do. But what do I do? Well I’ll have to put the kids to sleep early, that’s for sure. They could wake up … (a phone is ringing in another room) I’ll just have to drug them. But then what about the neighbors?! I’ll just have to knock out the entire block to be safe. Do I have enough drugs for that? (still ringing) Tonight will be the greatest achievement in science since, since, Still ringing) will someone answer the damned phone! <beat> where was I? Oh yes science!

Jenny: james! Telephone!

James: I’m busy scheming!

Jenny: <beat> it’s the government dcience foundation!

James: I’m busy … um, hypothesizing!

Jenny: <beat> they said that if the experiment isn’t completed by tonight then their taking away all your funding <beat> and they’ll tell the entire school about your crush on becki mcsilverman!

James: coldhearted bastards! (Stabs something.) They maybe able to stop me from scoring with becki but noone will stop me from scoring with science! Nothing! … science!

Mom: enters. Ok honey I’m goi- (sees thing that was stab bed) damnit james! There’s no stabbing in the house! Your grounded! Two weeks! No legs!

James: MO-OM!

Mom: LEGS! (james drops to the floor like a cripple). Good. I’ll see you in the morning. (Kisses james goodbye exits.)

James: (While crawling across the floor.) Oh, dear Science! Wait for me! (Jenny enters with a phone) Oh dear, dear, sweet warm vagina of science! WAIT FOR ME!

Jenny: becki is on the phone (starts to pass the phone, bekki loudly hangs up) - nevermind,

LIGHTS


derrick and josh are sitting on a field with a bunch of crap strewn about. Derrick is also a 50's greaser type in a lab coat and josh is your typical science dork. They are involved in a conversation josh in very enthuesed and derrick looks bored and annoyed.

Josh: ... and then i roll my lucky icosahedrie (scene pauses momentarily and a sign pops down reading “20 sided die”)! 18! so i raise my mighty sword of grohogelsthere which, gives me plus ten to dragon slaying, and slay the mighty dragon!

Derrick: josh! Why are you here!

Josh: as president of the science club i am here as an ambassador to make sure you comply with the rules of the school board, physics, and natural law. No fancy stuff today.

Derrick: what?! The man can't keep us down man, and right now josh you're the man. (Takes out knife and threaten's josh.) The break through today will make the hindenburg look like an afternoon at macdonalds! (There is a moment of silence between the two where josh is absolutely sure of his own demise. Steve enters with a large telescope.)

Steve: (with his back to them) ok, derrick i've got the equipment. Have you heard from- ( turns around. Sees josh. Sternly) why is josh here?

Josh: as president of the scie-

steve: why is josh here?

Josh: -nce club i am here to make sure yo-

steve: why is josh here!

Derrick: look that doesn't matter right now!

Josh: -u comply wi-

steve: what?!

Josh: -th the ru-

derrick: james accidentally killed his entire block.

Steve: he kill- HE WHAT!!!

josh: -les of th-

derrick: but that doesn't matter either. The machine has become unstable, if we make one wrong calculation we could blow up the city!

Josh: - e school b-

steve: what! The entire ci-

derrick: that’s not important either!

Josh: oard-

derrick: james is the only one who can measre that precisely! And if we don't complete the experiment the governement will tell the school about beckki mcsilvermannnn!

Steve: holy shit!

Josh: phs-

derrick: we've got to go at this alone steve!

Steve: i'm scared derrick!

Josh: -ics-

derrick: I LOVE YOU STEVE!

Steve: I LOVE YOU DERRICK! They emrace.

Josh: and natural fucking law! n- there is a loud booming sound. Derrick and steve look to the sky.

derrick and steve: let's do this! They pull back a sheet revealing an elaborite machine.

Josh: -o fancy stuff!

(Steve and derrick look at josh. There is a breif silence. They both give josh purple nurples, he yelps and passes out.)

Derrick: we've only got one shot pal. Let's put it all on the line! Puts his hand out

steve: i only hope james gets here in time. Puts his hand on top of derrick's.

Both: EXPLOSIONS!!!

(derrick and steve start doing stuff with the machine, lights go out and play a bevy of sound effects and stuff.) END SCENE


3rd beat
there are two piles of ashes near the machine. Josh slowly wakes up.

Josh: sees the ashes just like i thought, they crossed beams.

James enters, looking very beaten. He rushes to the machine.

James: defeated I'm too late?!

Josh: they crossed th-

james: sees the ashes. I've failed. It was all for nothing? I murdered my family, entire block, 8 policeman, 12 priest, and a dog for nothing?

Josh: man you are so grounded, expelled, and arrested.

James breaks down, then looks up and sees a few comets, the machine starts beeping, he runs to it,

james: there's still time!

Josh: steps in. i can't let you do this james.

James: stabs josh. I can't let you stop me josh, i have to do this, for ... science! (James starts fiddling with the machine.) I don't have much time till the cops come.

Bekki VO: james! ... james!

James: oh no, bekki! I hope the government hasn't told her!

Bekki VO: they told me james! They told me everything!

James: fuck!

(Bekki enters)

bekki: i love you james.

James: suave. You want to hop in my time machine?

Bekki: hell yeah baby.

Scene turns slow mo. They run for each other lovingly. Police enter with guns aimed at james.

Police: stop or we'll- as bekki crosses in between them the police start shooting. Bekki is caught in the cross fire and dies a horrible dramatic death.

James: noooooooooooooo!

(Police die mysteriously. Slo mo ends.)

James: i must go back in time to prevent all of this from happening!

(James rushes to the machine, Mom enters obviously not dead.)

Mom: James! I said no legs!

LIGHTS
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Old 03-09-2006, 06:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: I dunno, there's white people around me saying "eh" all the time
lol, I like it how a cripple with no legs manages to stab couple guys
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Old 03-13-2006, 01:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
Zyr
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Location: Hamilton, NZ
I don't know why that was funny, but damnit, it was.
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Old 03-25-2006, 01:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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it's alot funnier on stage.
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