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Old 03-24-2006, 09:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
Redlemon's Avatar
Location: New England
The Eating Machine

I stole these true stories off of the great blog, The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Enjoy:
While we were staying with my in-laws, I realized things were oddly quiet and I called out for my two-year-old. He answered, and I found him in my father-in-law's bedroom playing with a bottle of prescription ear medicine, with the cap off.

I was immediately terrified, and tried to find out if he swallowed it. He and I then conducted the following ridiculous interrogation scene...

Me: What did you do with this?


Me: Okay... did you put it in your mouth?

Him: .... yeah.

I couldn't tell if he was telling the truth, so I pressed on.

Me: Did you put it on your foot?

Him: No.

Me: Did you put it in your... nose?

Him: No.

Me: Did you put it in your... mouth?

Him: ... yeah.

Shit! He really did it.

I looked up the number for poison control and called. They really knew their stuff. The woman was immediately able to tell me that the medicine wasn't toxic. She was also highly amused at the belly button answer.

Calling Poison Control was such a pleasant experience that I was actually looking forward to calling them again 5 days later when he walked into the kitchen carrying a giant tub of Vaseline.

Me: What are you doing with that?


This kid is out of control. You know those scenes where raccoons break into the cabin and wreck the kitchen in minutes, eating anything they can? That's him.

I wasn't too panicked about this one, but the jar did say that if gets eaten that I should call my buds back at Poison Control.

I did, and they said it was no big deal, but he might experience a mild laxative effect.

Good. Serves him right for making me experience one when I walked in and found him with the bottle of fucking ear medicine.

I believe my wife may have cheated on me a few years ago.

I'm not sure who she did it with, but I've narrowed it down to the following list of suspects:

Augustus Gloop
President Taft
Grape Ape
Billy and/or Benny McCrary
Hot Dog Eating Champion Takeru Kobayashi

My 2-year-old is an unstoppable eating machine. To put it bluntly, he's an animal. (Yes, I'm referring to the one who ate the ear medicine and vaseline.) The number of times a day I hear the phrase "I WANT SUMFIN TO EAT!" is staggering.

Maybe he's just growing. He isn't necessarily chubby and he's a little tall for his age. Personally I'm hoping he ends up 11 feet tall, because I have no doubt he's going to be 900 pounds.

Last week there was another moment where things in the house had gotten eerily quiet. I walked around looking for the hungry one, and found him sitting on the kitchen floor, hunched over with his back to me.

When I asked what he was doing, "I EATIN' PRINKLES!" was the reply.

He turned around to reveal a rainbow of color stuck to his face.

He had managed to get his hands on an entire tub of rainbow sprinkles and was devouring them by the fistful. I'm confident had I not walked in, they'd be long gone.

I took the tub and went to put it someplace out of the way. When I turned back, he was on all fours, eating them off the floor like a dog.

My wife believes he resorted to this tactic because he couldn't pick up the tiny sprinkles with his fingers. I believe he did it because he's an animal.

It's funny that his older brother keeps asking me for a dog. He doesn't seem to understand that I actually got us one that can talk.
I can't read your signature. Sorry.
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Old 03-24-2006, 10:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
Extreme moderation
Toaster126's Avatar
Location: Kansas City, yo.
Awesome... now I have a new funny site to check out as a bonus.
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)
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Old 03-24-2006, 10:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
Location: LI,NY
This is too funny. I can picture everything he said and I am glad my son does not do that, anymore.
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras
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Old 03-24-2006, 12:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
JustJess's Avatar
Location: Kittyville
This site is awesome, thanks, Redlemon! :*
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.
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Old 03-24-2006, 01:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
Location: Bottom of a Bottle
that is hilarious, I really liked the last one. Awesome.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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Old 03-24-2006, 02:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Red, this is so funny. Reality is a hoot! Thanks
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"
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eating, machine

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