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Old 04-14-2006, 07:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
big damn hero
guthmund's Avatar
In the spirit...

In the spirit of the upcoming holiday....

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday.
Well, one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The first priest said, "Well, what you do during services is discuss the ten commandments. Talk about the fire, the brimstone and the unrivaled horribleness of Hell. Make 'em really feel it and when you get to "Thou shall not steal," surely, someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other, the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of... I got up there all hot under the collar and began howling about the horrors of Hell. I made my way steadily down the list and had them in the palm of my hand...I was just getting to "Thou shall not commit adultery" when it happened."

"What?" the first priest asked. "Did the culprit stand up shamefully and beg for forgiveness?"

"Oh, no." the other priest shook his head. "Like I said, I was just getting to "Thou shall not commit adultery" when I suddenly remember where I left my bike."


The Pope, a rabbi, a priest and a pilot were stranded in the water after their tiny plane had crashed in the thick fog. The pilot, a seasoned veteran, knew that they wouldn't last long in the cold water and a rescue team was going to have a heck of time finding them in the thick fog. He reluctantly relayed his findings to the survivors.

The Pope bowed his head and clasped his hands, praying silently. A few minutes later, a rowboat drifted towards them out of the fog.

"Holy cow!" the pilot cried.
"Merciful God!" the priest exclaimed.
"I'd have asked for a bigger boat, yes?" the Rabbi shrugged his shoulders.

Even though they were now out of the water, their clothes were still soaked and the problem of the fog loomed heavily.

The Pope bowed his head and clasped his hands, praying silently. A few minutes later, the sun burned through the clouds, dismissed the fog and began to dry the four soaked men.

"Great Jiminy." The pilot cried.
"Thank God, Almighty!" the priest exclaimed.
"Great. And me in black. Now, I'm going to sweat. You should've just asked for fresh clothes." the Rabbi shrugged his shoulders.

Despite the fog lifting, the rescue team was still nowhere in sight after nearly a day. The pilot was worried about what they were going to eat..and more importantly, what they were going to drink. He relayed his fears to his boatmates.

The Pope bowed his head and clasped his hands, praying silently. A few minutes later, a rather large box of ready made dinners from the plane's galley broke the surface and bobbed silently next the boat. Above them thunder crashed and it began to rain. Food and water had both been provided.

"Flaming Mackerel!" cried the pilot.
"Thank the Lord!" the priest exclaimed.
"Great." The Rabbi said, "One kosher meal and now, I'm all wet again."

The pilot knew that even with food and water, their chances of survival were pretty slim. He knew they'd better get moving and he think he knew in what direction land lay. He relayed his fears to the rest of the boat and silently picked up the oars to start rowing.

The Pope bowed his head and clasped his hands, praying silently. A few minutes later, land appeared on the horizon. They were saved.

"Great Caesar's ghost!" the pilot cried.
"Oh, blessed Father" the priest exclaimed.
"Oy vey," the rabbi said, "I think you're losing your oars there..."

Sure enough the oars were drifting away as the current slowly pulled the little rowboat away from the mainland. The men aboard looked expectantly towards the Pope and waited for him to bow his head.

Instead, the Pope stands up, slips off his shoes and walks across the water over to the oars. He quickly picks them up and walks back across the water to hand them to the awestruck pilot.

An hour or so later, the foursome find their way to shore and, with as little hubbub as possible make their way back to their respective homes.

The pilot recounts his unbelievable tale to a bar load of drunks. When asked, he skeptically,explains away all the seemingly miraculous events with the exception of the Pope walking on water, which he describes with awe and reverence.

The priest goes back to the seminary where, when asked, he tells of the wonders of God and recounts the story of his plane crash and the miracles that unfolded through God's servant on Earth, the blessed Pope.

The rabbi goes back to his books and his study of the Torah and when asked he says..."The Pope? Quiet. Prays a lot. I guess he's a pretty nice guy, but can you believe he can't swim?"

A catholic priest and a rabbi find them sitting next to each other on a long journey, and so after some hesitation start to talk to each other. After discussing the weather and the cricket, the priest turns to the rabbi and says that he thought it was rather strange that he was not allowed to eat pork, and asked him whether he ever had.

The rabbi replied, "Well, when I was a small boy, I did in fact taste a small piece of bacon."

"What was it like?" asked the priest.

The rabbi replied: "Not nearly as good as sex."

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the
priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4
children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and
had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and
made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were
at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"


And finally,

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
No signature. None. Seriously.

Last edited by guthmund; 04-14-2006 at 07:37 AM..
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Old 04-14-2006, 07:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
Extreme moderation
Toaster126's Avatar
Location: Kansas City, yo.
Oooh, these are good. Especially the rabbi priest sex bacon one.
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)
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Old 04-14-2006, 11:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
Mondak's Avatar
Location: Southern California
Yeah - another vote for Rabbi / bacon
All truth passes through three stages:
First it is ridiculed
Second, it is violently opposed and
Third, it is accepted as self-evident.


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Old 04-14-2006, 12:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
rabbi sex all the way!!
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Old 04-14-2006, 12:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
Searching for the perfect brew!
Brewmaniac's Avatar
Funny stuff. Thanks
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"
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Old 04-16-2006, 05:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
has been
qweds's Avatar
Location: Chicago
why can't i have any rabbi sex?
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Old 04-16-2006, 07:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
yes, the rabbi sex one is by far the best
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Old 04-17-2006, 05:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
SirLance's Avatar
Location: In the middle of the desert.
Very well put!
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
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