so funny, yet so true it's sad :(

Ow Ow Ow! good one!

Q: What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

A: Someone who knocks on your front door at 7:30 Sunday morning, and tells <b>you</b> to fuck off.

What has 7 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.

What sucks about eating vegetables?
Putting them back in the wheelchair.

Two Fish and a Parrot
 

Two fish sitting on a perch one said can you smell fish?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A ladies parrot dies, so she decides to replace it and she goes to the local petshop and asks for one.
Petshop man says Sorry, we dont have any new parrots, but we have one here thats older and come from a home where they moved and couldnt take the parrot (was brothel).
Lady has a look at the parrot and thinks its alright and quite pretty, so she pays the man and takes it home.
She sticks the parrot in a cage in the corner of the living room, she walks away and the parrot thinks, new house.
The Womens too young and teenager daughters walk in and the parrot thinks, new girls.
The womens husband walks in and the parrot says Hello Dave.

You dont say!

Thie one is tough in written form but here goes. Sitting in an airport, frustrated, waiting for your flight to arrive/leave. Spoken with a thick German accent...

"Welcome to SwineAir, you fly when we do."

when does a fruit turn into a vegetable?


when a tiger drags it offstage by the neck.

JimK, that was so wrong. I laughed so hard I damn near shit myself. Wrong is always funny. Damn, I'm going to tell that so many times it won't be funny anymore.

What has 80 balls and screws little old ladies?

Bingo.

i aim to please, dickhead.

Q: What did the Buddhist monk ask the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me ONE with everything.

:D :D :D

LOL... that's funny too..

jack&jill
 

Jack & Jill went up the hill so jack could lick jill's fanny, jack went down with quite a frown coz jill's a fucking tranny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a rather sick joke I found.
 

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an abortion clinic?

Only one of them will kill your kid by dropping him off a balcony.

.....Semi-funny i guess :P

Sick indeed.

eh...

Definitely twisted...my kind of joke

lol wrong, but funny

Hey folks, how 'bout a joke?
I can't remember any right now so I'll just make one up, freestyle.

Q: What did the one armed midget say when he walked up to tall stools at the poker table in the casino?

A: Hey man, can I get a hand here!?!?

here's another Jackson classic, found on http://williambader.com/mj.html and other sites.

"Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns."

also, this:
Q. How can you tell when an Irishman's sober?
A. He'll be drinking whiskey.

What do you call a hot dog with no meat in it?

-
-
A hollow weenie.

What's green and eats nuts?


Syphilis! Ahahahah.

Thats gross....

I lost my apetite.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh ..............

Very stupid jokes
 

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

What did the apple say to the banana?
Nothing. Apples don't talk.

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, "Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?" And the other one says, "Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!"

What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon.

What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?
"Dam."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

An atom said to another atom, "please help - someone has stolen one of my electrons." "Are you sure?" asked the other atom. "Yes," replied the first atom. "I'm positive."

What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.

What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. "There are two things wrong with you," he said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's." "Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right.

How are an elephant and a plum the same?
They're both purple, except for the elephant.

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.

If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.

When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
There are more ducks on that side.

Why are elephants gray?
So you don't get them confused with blueberries.

Why do ducks have flat webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.

:D

LAME...but still made me laugh :)

The "What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon. " one was the best

gaa, funny! I like stupid stuff.

what's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG

How did Helen Keller burn her left ear?
Answering the iron!

How did she burn the other?
The idiot called back!

that one is soo stupid that it made me laugh

i like the one about the grass, classic!

Not so stupid.

Humorous enough to make me smile!

Glad

Hey, who says they are stupid? I am still laughing. Thanks for the laughs.

Hehe, pretty funny. :P

Barrymore
 

Q. Why are there no ashtrays in Michael Barrymore's house?

A. Because he puts his fags out in the swimming pool.

Wonder how many people know that 'fag' is the word used by the Britts for ciggarette...

i do

Why do men pee in the shower but not in the bath?

Because its disgusting to pee in the bath