Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Interests > Tilted Humor


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-18-2003, 11:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
Without Wings
 
frozenstellar's Avatar
 
Location: Australia
One Liners :)

Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?

erotic you use a feather, kinky you use the whole chicken.

throw us ya best one liners.
frozenstellar is offline  
Old 04-19-2003, 09:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Columbia Falls, MT
What's the difference between a light and a hard?
A man can sleep with a light on.
__________________
Hey guys -- I finally got a semen sample after pumping on my wiener for 2 whole days
Junchbailey is offline  
Old 04-19-2003, 11:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
Delicious
 
Reese's Avatar
 
I was about to make another thread but figured I'd just reply to this one instead

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (Eight something)

Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2.

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
__________________
“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry
Reese is offline  
Old 04-19-2003, 11:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
I love one liners, but I can't think of any of my own right now.
XHydralisk is offline  
Old 04-20-2003, 12:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: Canada
Q: Definition of a 68er?
A: You blow me and I will owe you 1
__________________
-----------------------------------------
So many threads and so little time!
-----------------------------------------
venture is offline  
Old 04-20-2003, 03:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
Go faster!
 
DEI37's Avatar
 
Location: Wisconsin
Quote:
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
Yeah, that would be useful. Wish they made something like that!
DEI37 is offline  
Old 04-25-2003, 09:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
pinche vato
 
warrrreagl's Avatar
 
Location: backwater, Third World, land of cotton
Post your favorite Q and A jokes here

Where do I start?

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.
warrrreagl is offline  
Old 04-25-2003, 10:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: Ottawa, ON, Canada
My one liners inadvertantly violated forum rules, and have been subsquently removed.
__________________
"A witty saying proves nothing"
- Voltaire

Last edited by Quadraton; 07-27-2004 at 11:40 AM..
Quadraton is offline  
Old 04-26-2003, 12:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: York
Good, Very good

If bread falls butter-side down and cats land on their feet.
If you strapped toast to a cats back, which way would it land?
small one is offline  
Old 04-26-2003, 04:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Boone, NC
(don't get mad at me for these, they're just jokes)

How are men like public toilets?
All the good ones are taken and the rest are full of shit.

What are the most common last words for a redneck?
"Hey yall, watch this!"

How do you hide money from a hippie?
Put it under a bar of soap or a job application.

How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
DUDE! the light burned out? damn... *pause* wait, what were we talking about?
__________________
"Boy, I like that echo... goes right through my head... I had that happen once, but it was chemically induced...." - Steve Earle

Last edited by SecretMethod70; 05-21-2005 at 11:49 AM..
GreenCloud is offline  
Old 04-28-2003, 07:21 AM   #11 (permalink)
Psycho
 
zaiaz's Avatar
 
Location: State of confusion...wait that's medication.
Q: Where's the rest room?
A: Enter at your own risk.
__________________
Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion...
zaiaz is offline  
Old 05-04-2003, 06:35 AM   #12 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Finland
Women...

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's
mouth?

A: Einstein's penis.

hope this doesn't offend anyone
alpha is offline  
Old 05-04-2003, 10:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
Well...
 
Location: afk
Oooh that's harsh dude. Gotta remember that.
Leviathan[NCV] is offline  
Old 05-04-2003, 05:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Pullman, WA
I'm sure it will offend someone... Funny joke though
__________________
Go Cougs!
~WSU~
GremlinDelirium is offline  
Old 05-04-2003, 05:17 PM   #15 (permalink)
Insane
 
You've unleashed the demons!
__________________
Censorship and thought control can only exist in secrecy and darkness...
a_divine_martyr is offline  
Old 05-04-2003, 05:58 PM   #16 (permalink)
Psycho
 
forgotten_dream's Avatar
 
Ouch! I know some women that would kick your ass for a joke like that, I'd watch where you repeat it. >_<
__________________
"A ouija board just works better if you've made it yourself. It's sortof like how 'Clue' is more interesting when one of you has actually killed someone."
forgotten_dream is offline  
Old 05-04-2003, 06:49 PM   #17 (permalink)
Jesus Freak
 
Location: Following the light...
Ouch! I'd watch my back if I were you...
__________________
"People say I'm strange, does that make me a stranger?"
ForgottenKnight is offline  
Old 05-11-2003, 01:42 PM   #18 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: Toronto
One Liner

Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the shower? The shampoo directions said "Wash, rinse, repeat."
Snakeyes is offline  
Old 05-13-2003, 12:51 PM   #19 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Canada
One liners thread!!!

Unleash the mouldy grandpa jokes within!!! I'll start:

Q: How did Nancy know Ronald Reagan had Alzheimer's disease??

A: When she sent him to the video store for "Scent of a Woman", he brought back "A Fish called Wanda".


------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

A: His wife died.

------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex sex makes your hole weak.

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: Where do your cousins come from ?

A: Ant Holes.....

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: Who makes more money? A drug dealer or a prostitute?

A: The prostitute. She can clean the crack and sell it again.

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: Whats the diference between meat and fish?

A: If you beat your fish it'll die!!

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

A: Pick it up and give it a blow job.

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did God put men on earth?

A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wakeup?

A: Vomit.

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls?

A: Because so very few of them can dance.

-------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex?

A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.



/ and before anyone accuses me of stealing these from a web-page... I did! Mine!
__________________
"Doors aren't like assholes! They don't shut themselves!"

Last edited by SecretMethod70; 05-21-2005 at 11:48 AM..
Crooky is offline  
Old 05-13-2003, 01:20 PM   #20 (permalink)
Hiding Out
 
My favorite was the one about anal and oral! Good set.
__________________
Say yes to the 'Tilted Roleplaying' Forum

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1932&highlight=petition
TerresqueÜ is offline  
Old 05-14-2003, 01:43 AM   #21 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: York
The acne one was sick.

But still great
small one is offline  
Old 05-14-2003, 04:43 PM   #22 (permalink)
Insane
 
cJoe's Avatar
 
short Pinocchio joke

You know how Pinocchio found out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.
cJoe is offline  
Old 05-22-2003, 04:51 AM   #23 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Leeds, UK
Your best one liners...

What is/are your best one liner(s)?

3 Irish men sitting on the floor, one fell off.
__________________
Why's Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle
bollocks is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 05:06 AM   #24 (permalink)
Casual... Real Casual
 
Zooksport2's Avatar
 
Location: Orstraylia
One liners... Some new most not.....

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

3. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
"How's that?"
"Now don't YOU start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'. That was so nice."
__________________
"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking.
Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but your older, shorter of breath, and one day closer to death" ...pink floyd
Zooksport2 is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 06:50 AM   #25 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Michigan
Very nice, gotta love the one liners.
__________________
I once loved a girl, a child I'm told, I gave her my heart and she gave me a cold.
pigmann is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 08:53 AM   #26 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: born in vietnam, lost in california
lol
p0thead is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 10:57 AM   #27 (permalink)
Tilted
 
ha ha!

The later ones i'd heard, but the early ones.... great!
Melwas is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 01:04 PM   #28 (permalink)
Casual... Real Casual
 
Zooksport2's Avatar
 
Location: Orstraylia
Some more...........


Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
__________________
"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking.
Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but your older, shorter of breath, and one day closer to death" ...pink floyd
Zooksport2 is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 05:27 PM   #29 (permalink)
Junkie
 
SirLance's Avatar
 
Location: In the middle of the desert.
It must be my sense of humor, but #14 just killed me. A fish without eyes... that cracks me up.
__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
SirLance is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 08:35 PM   #30 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: In a van, down by the river
It was #12 for me. It was great cause I didn't expect the reply.
blaze is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 09:53 PM   #31 (permalink)
Hiding Out
 
I chuckled at a few, didn't get a couple, adn groaned at the rest.

Nice list none the less.
__________________
Say yes to the 'Tilted Roleplaying' Forum

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1932&highlight=petition
TerresqueÜ is offline  
Old 05-23-2003, 10:00 PM   #32 (permalink)
Casual... Real Casual
 
Zooksport2's Avatar
 
Location: Orstraylia
Quote:
Originally posted by SirLance
It must be my sense of humor, but #14 just killed me. A fish without eyes... that cracks me up.
.


Also.... "What do you call bears without ears......... B.


Oh and a personal favourite: What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Damn
__________________
"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking.
Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but your older, shorter of breath, and one day closer to death" ...pink floyd
Zooksport2 is offline  
Old 05-24-2003, 05:32 AM   #33 (permalink)
so many men...so little time.
 
Location: Bellingham
Ok...I must be warped because #14 got to me too!!!
txgirl is offline  
Old 05-24-2003, 06:43 AM   #34 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: Chicago
3. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

LOL
__________________
Where dem bitches at?
Atomic Pinkie is offline  
Old 05-24-2003, 02:26 PM   #35 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Pullman, WA
yeah... #3 for me... thats great... someone really thinking there ;-) funny!!
__________________
Go Cougs!
~WSU~
GremlinDelirium is offline  
Old 05-24-2003, 05:02 PM   #36 (permalink)
cid
Upright
 
#15 got me cracking up
cid is offline  
Old 05-25-2003, 01:21 PM   #37 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Ass end of Nowhere
i wonder how many of these are Mr. Wrights work..
__________________
"Faster. And faster still. Until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death."
--- DKM
vevaphon is offline  
Old 05-25-2003, 07:21 PM   #38 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Sophies bike seat
#16 was my fav, i'll have to remember that one
__________________
License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
nightmare is offline  
Old 05-25-2003, 10:04 PM   #39 (permalink)
Minion of the scaléd ones
 
Tophat665's Avatar
 
Location: Northeast Jesusland
Those were wonderful, but I don't get 13. I don't even pretend to understand cricket.

Here's one of mine:
I bought a car with a stained glass windshield. It belonged to a little old lady who only drove it to church on Sundays.

It has a V-8 engine. Doesn't ever need gas, but every 500 miles, I need to stop at a produce stand and juice up.
__________________
Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Tophat665 is offline  
Old 05-26-2003, 12:12 AM   #40 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: York
No 3 did it for me
small one is offline  
 

Tags
liners, qanda

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 06:43 PM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360