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Old 06-06-2003, 05:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
Searching for the perfect brew!
Brewmaniac's Avatar

GOD:__ Frank,_ you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?_ What happened to_ the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?_ I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan._ Those_ plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply_ with abandon._ The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds._ I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now._ But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord._ The Suburbanites._ They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went_ to great lengths to_ kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great_ pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.__ That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it_ grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it?_ Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord._ Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it?_ Why?_ Is it a cash crop?_ Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No Sir._ Just the opposite._ They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight._ They fertilize grass so it will grow._ And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat._ That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord._ When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay_ more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense._ At least they kept some of the trees._ That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself._ The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer._ In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in_ the soil and protect the trees and bushes._ Plus, as_ they rot, the leaves_ form compost to enhance the soil._ It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord._ The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle._ As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!_ What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch._ They haul it home and spread_ it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down more trees and grind them up_ to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough._ I don't want to think about this anymore._ St. Catherine, you're in charge of the heavenly arts._ What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST.CATHERINE: It's called "Dumb and Dumber," Lord._ It's a real stupid movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story_ from St. Francis
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"
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Old 06-06-2003, 07:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
will always be an Alyson Hanniganite
Bill O'Rights's Avatar
Location: In the dust of the archives
This would be so much funnier than it already is...were it not so true
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.
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Old 06-06-2003, 08:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: The Woodlands, TX
yah...i think im gonna have a rock lawn... untill i have kids old enough to mow...

~Clatto Verata Nicto
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Old 06-06-2003, 11:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
absolute relativist
clifclav's Avatar
Location: D.C.
i use a mulching mower but that isn't really funny.

Thats all.
Neither rain , nor cold, nor dark of night shall.......ahh whatever, just get me a beer!
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Old 06-07-2003, 06:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
Slave of Fear
All these years I was being Pious. I thought I was just lazy.
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Old 06-08-2003, 09:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
Hiding Out
I feel like I was just really deeply insulted...thanks.
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Old 06-09-2003, 06:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
Location: texas
how true it is
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Old 06-09-2003, 06:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
Location: Norway
Hehe, reminds me of Mark Twain's "Letters from Earth". Juts a bit more humorous
Memorization is a poor excuse for intelligence." - Cesar Martinez-Garza (1973 ->) -
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Old 06-09-2003, 06:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
Location: Steel Town, Ontario
That puts the "green deserts" back in perspective...
After all is said and done,
more is said than done.
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Old 06-10-2003, 06:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
Shackle Me Not
jwoody's Avatar
Location: Newcastle - England.
I'll use that next time my neighbour tells me to sort my garden out.
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care, lawn

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