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Old 05-04-2006, 10:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
Comedian
 
BigBen's Avatar
 
Location: Use the search button
Funny Online Conversations;

(@Hergonan) there was a movie
(@Hergonan) it was fucking scary
(@Hergonan) I am still under its effect
(@Tigers) HERGONAN WHAT MOVIE TELL ME! i have never gotten frightened by a movie:&
(@Hergonan) some couple go to a vacation, then take a diving tour... then they are left alone in teh ocean
(@Tigers) lol that movies sucks ass, it wasent scary
(@Hergonan) I had a similar experience
(@Hergonan) so that makes things a bit different.
(@Tigers) you still suck
(@Hergonan) u suck
(@Hergonan) you didn't swim after a stupid "beach ball", for half an hour
(@Hergonan) then stared at the coast
(@Hergonan) "..."
(@Hergonan) "how the hell"
(@Tigers) "AUGH WAT0RZ TEH DRAMA
(@Tigers) HELP HELP
(@Tigers) BEACH BALL IS GONE
(@Tigers) OMG?!
quit: (Hergonan|Yahar) (~Hergonan@Hergonan.users.quakenet.org) (Signed off)

#636765 +(405)- [X]

<selene|metro> and i thought that i saw you looting
<selene|metro> i thought that i saw you gate friends here
<selene|metro> thats me in the dungeon
<selene|metro> thats me in the twilight, losing my connection

#636755 +(615)- [X]

edited

#636661 +(1166)- [X]

<Shameful_Buffalo> I got bored tonight, so I played the wal mart game, you know where you go to wal mart and see who can get the funniest items together
<Shameful_Buffalo> well I give my friends ryan and taylor $20 and they go off, taylor gets KY Jelly, Camoflauge shorts and Predator on DVD, I get some G2 Pilot pens, A mountain dew, Murray's Superior Afroshine Hair Pomade, 12-pack of Lubed Trojans, a pair of Brinks Luggage Locks with keys, Electrical Tape, and some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (standard double-cup pack).
<Shameful_Buffalo> Ryan comes back empty handed and this follows,
Ryan: "I played your game dude..."
Taylor: "then where is your stuff?"
Me: "Yeah, you had to buy something with that 20 I gave you.."
Ryan "I went to automotive and put a tire on layaway..."
<Shameful_Buffalo> I never laughed so hard in my entire life, I gave him the 10 bucks for winning and walked to the car with my bag of crap.

#636630 +(-659)- [X]

<Brandyl> Boobs are so gay

#636622 +(4)- [X]

SMARTGIRL483: by the way i think i need to tell you this
SMARTGIRL483: i had a baby by my ex boyfriend
Protege Chris: i should buy you a box of condoms for your next birthday ... you country girls are just so eager to ride a cowboy
SMARTGIRL483: omg
SMARTGIRL483: i cant help that
SMARTGIRL483: it was a girl
SMARTGIRL483: her name is elizabeth allison rainbow johnson
Protege Chris: rofl.. the white trash equivalent of "shaquana"

#636447 +(1224)- [X]

<mmiikkee12> XD, i just got the best spam message ever
<mmiikkee12> "Make $$$ Fast"
<mmiikkee12> "Hold down your shift and 4 keys at the same time. In about a second you will be making $$$ fast."

#636389 +(1154)- [X]

<phex> so you excited for your interview at RIM?
<burnison> yep
<phex> so then you're hoping to get a rim job?
<burnison> hell yes
*phex waits for the pun to set in

#636215 +(823)- [X]

<KittieRose> So I get this email from this girl.
<KittieRose> "I made out with a chick and got mono..."
<KittieRose> I email her back.
<KittieRose> "If you'd have made out with two chicks, would you have gotten stereo?"

#636171 +(18)- [X]

<Mik0r> I wish they made cars that run on methane cause I sure produce a lot of it
<gerbil> i wish they made cars that run on methadone
<gerbil> cuz id siphon everyones fuel

#636156 +(846)- [X]

<Jonno> What's the difference between regular garlic and roasted garlic?
<Arclight> A gypsy once told me it was the roasting, but you shouldn't trust the gypsies

#635951 +(-224)- [X]

dracony_gentoo: C#?
dracony_gentoo: i like to keep away from objects
dracony_gentoo: especially sharp ones
dracony_gentoo: get it

#635901 +(453)- [X]

jrronimo: Hah! On a whim I figured I'd check some of the bigger companie for open jobs in Boulder... so what do I get? Comcast's career website: "Could not connect to remote server". Sounds like they've got a Network Engineer position open for me.

#635862 +(227)- [X]

<Ezekiel> When we were doing about the 3rd world in RE, the teacher was saying how we live in the 1st world, africa is the 3rd world, but there isn't really a 2nd world
<Ezekiel> So this kid asks the teacher "Where was world war 2 fought then?"

#635838 +(883)- [X]

Lush Puppy: I lost my virginity at an anime convention - this sentence makes me sound a lot fatter than I actually am.

#635834 +(658)- [X]

<Triumph> No wonder we can't win in Afghanistan.
<Triumph> We drop a dozen bombs and when no one is left standing, drop a bag of food.
<Triumph> Instead, we should drop the bag of food first and when everyone gathers around it, drop a single bomb.

#635741 +(546)- [X]

<Mr_Saturn> Diagnosing computer problems over IRC is like trying to diagnose brain cancer with a pointy stick

#635705 +(-111)- [X]

<Simon>man, i'm farting like a motherfucker over here! you can really smell the decaying hampster flesh...
<Simon>there's a two week backlog of shit held up by that furry fucker
<Nick> OMFG, that is WRONG, you're fucking sick!
<Nick> you put a P in HAMSTER...sicko

#635683 +(1103)- [X]

<Harkila> i've always wondered what "holy shit" actually is
<Harkila> my strongest mental image is about the pope taking a crap
<bleak-> a radiant turd with a halo
<Rancid-> like, xbox?

#635674 +(-21)- [X]

aaront: :-P
aaront: Whatever ya say
xxkuku4purplexx: dont stick ur tongue out at me, are u like 2 or something?
aaront: you take emotiocons way too seriously <3
xxkuku4purplexx: ewwwww
xxkuku4purplexx: gross

#635590 +(700)- [X]

<&TwoZero> so.. the internet at work died completely and after trying to fix it I said fuck it and went home
<&TwoZero> and ran netstumbler on the bus.. and found 336 accesspoints
<&TwoZero> the bus stopped in front of a church, and the SSID 'satans partyhouse' appeared
<&TwoZero> must be some student living next to it or something

#635581 +(461)- [X]

< traicovn> I'm stealing wifi at the shearton right now
< traicovn> until security comes and gets me
< traicovn> Some older upper 30s drunk woman invited me up to her room.
< traicovn> But I think the high speed is just about the same up there so I turned her down.

#635493 +(460)- [X]

<BenS> Matt, have you heard about that webserver that's running off a potatoe for power ... just displays a text smiley face and takes like 15 seconds to load?
<Omnica> Brings new meaning to the term "server farm"
<BenS> You should be shot.

#635469 +(119)- [X]

< f0rd> you can't do loops in html can you

#635424 +(-27)- [X]

Scouthouse: king kong was a good movie
elcucarachaloco: an AWESOME movie
elcucarachaloco: only one better is return of the king
Scouthouse: never seen it
elcucarachaloco: awesome movie
Scouthouse: but how can he return when hes dead?

#635335 +(572)- [X]

<Doc> All this pollen is killing me, You can see the green clouds of it floating in the air.
<Doc> pollen is just tree sperm...
<Doc> I feel like mother nature just gave me a facial..

#635274 +(1090)- [X]

<dil-hole> Today I was at a restaurant and was waiting for my food.
<dil-hole> Then I started to play my DS on pictochat see? And I found someone that was playing it too.
<dil-hole> We started to draw pictures and thinking it was some older guy and everything, I was joking around and drew a penis.
<dil-hole> I looked up to see who it was and about 20 feet away, I heard a gasp. I look up and itís a 10 year old girl with a DS in her hands.
<dil-hole> I immediately closed my DS and hid it. That was freaken scary.

#635159 +(101)- [X]

<Choko> i know 101 ways to use a penis
<HamsterMan> cool
<HamsterMan> does it include writing with it and playing baseball
<Choko> okay... now i know 103 ways
<HamsterMan> XD

#635060 +(1262)- [X]

<MJak> whats that movie with the the planet full of talking apes?
<Nitrix> Planet of the apes...?
<Mjak> Yah the one where the space guy crash lands there whats it called
<Nitrix> Planet of the apes...?
<Mjak> YES BUT WHATS THE FUCKING NAME OF THE MOVIE

#635032 +(1225)- [X]

ZA|Drinking|: I remember in high school, during somebody made an off hand remark about wondering why they sacrificed virgins
ZA|Drinking|: And I was all like, they sure as hell ain't going to give up the ones that put out
ZA|Drinking|: And then I got detention

#634805 +(172)- [X]

<@Miss_Morgan> heh
<@Miss_Morgan> ok get this
<@Miss_Morgan> I came up with a marketing campaign for a new cereal
<@Miss_Morgan> I was staring at some fruit loops I poured myself
<@Miss_Morgan> and after about 5 minutes of staring and munching, I realized something
<@Miss_Morgan> red... orange... yellow... green... blue... violet
<@Miss_Morgan> it's the 6-color rainbow!
<@Miss_Morgan> so get this
<@Miss_Morgan> in an approaching perspective and going up, stars and glitter-things coming off of the name
<@Miss_Morgan> Hom-O's
<@Miss_Morgan> and have three gay guys in the corner of the box
<@Miss_Morgan> on the bottom of the front pane, there'll be the slogan
<@Miss_Morgan> "They're fruity, they're colorful, they're fabulous!"

#634546 +(191)- [X]

<Josh> i ogtta go to an apointment
<Josh> i cant spell
<Josh> ps its not a spelling appt
<Phil> smart of you to abbreviate it the second time

#634201 +(1051)- [X]

Rabid Manyak: Oh man, my mid-term mark update is awesome
Rabid Manyak: computer science: 61% science: 74% math: 51% philosophy: 97%
Rabid Manyak: Thanks LSD!

#634093 +(656)- [X]

shotz190: my cellphones just gettin worse as time goes on
shotz190: whenever somebody sends me a text, it just takes longer and longer to get here
shotz190: either that or jake wants to know if i can give him a ride to school yesterday

#634091 +(1929)- [X]

Clainsynar: What if all numbers were multiples of pi and our integer system was wrong?
TokMor: stop having such irrational thoughts

#634090 +(154)- [X]

<sai sce> what's up?
<marc> nm, just plotting to kill my psych teacher
<sai sce> he'd probably be like "THE GUN SHOWS THAT YOU FEAR INTIMACY!!!"
<sai sce> while you were shooting him.

#633742 +(732)- [X]

<Chairboy> Windows Me is the kind of OS even a catholic would abort

#633735 +(1866)- [X]

<Chcherrycola>Oh shit I'm fucked
<Chcherrycola>I hid my weed in my PSP carrying case. So I get up to go get some and I can't find it anywhere, then I realise my little brother must have taken it with him on the plane to Florida with my family... O_O

#633530 +(366)- [X]

<KillerB> man, while I'm excited about the interview, getting my ass up at like 1:30pm is gonna blow.

#633515 +(1313)- [X]

<werro> damnit :/
<werro> my dad found my porn
<Bob112> So what? I bet my dad knows I have porn.
<werro> but my dad didnt know Im gay :/
<Bob112> Um, like, neither did I
* werro has left #hookerz

#633436 +(-97)- [X]

<benjick> i talked to a friend, who is a bit geeky about doctypes
<benjick> "when it comes to girls, i'm xhtml 1.1 strict, you are like 4.01 loose"

#633270 +(319)- [X]

<calvin909> I don't know what gives, but the last 3 movies i've downloaded are in frigging spanish.
<princess> dey took our pirating jobs!
<calvin909> yeah no doubt

#632906 +(2732)- [X]

<bloodmaster> this guy keeps sending me notices, how do i send them back?????
<`Trust`> ./notice <nick> <message>
<bloodmaster> ty!
<bloodmaster> ./notice <Tommyboy872> <hello tommy, my name is john i am from michigan im 16! Im 5 foot 11 inch tall, you sound cute n we should talk more often ok??>

#632900 +(417)- [X]

<sdodson> can you provide that in wma format?
<Corydon76-home> Only if you can provide an encoder
<Corydon76-home> but it has to be able to run on my Apple IIgs
<Wonton> Wma sucks
<sdodson> you can encode oggs on your Apple IIgs?
<Corydon76-home> No, but if you're going to be an asshole about encoding formats, I'm going to be an asshole about the platform the encoder needs to run on.
<Catonic> lol

#632841 +(808)- [X]

monetcopy: girls are like nun chucks
monetcopy: they are awesome!
monetcopy: but when u mess up it hurts
monetcopy: ...alot

#632794 +(2082)- [X]

Kanuck: i like to look at porn in pdf files.. just so i can make the little hand grab things.

#632703 +(1931)- [X]

<WarMoose> Think about how stupid the average person is. Now realize that half of them are dumber than that.
<Chunda> Why half?

#632609 +(-220)- [X]

chewp: so i have to make a movie for chinese class
ransom: must be a pretty short movie huh?
chewp: fucker...

#632445 +(739)- [X]

scuttlemonkey: This [face recognition] technology should speed airport check-ins, but it could also be used in banks or for checking ID cards as it allows full identification in less than one second.
mcc: Great, I can't wait until the day when I get punched in the face, and suddenly I can't use ATMs anymore.

#632442 +(557)- [X]

<Coma.> I'm drawing a pony for my friend
<Coma.> Except I can't draw so basicly I am drawing a horse only making it look small.
<Coma.> Because a pony is basicly just a little horse.
<Fish> wtf? No they aren't!
<Fish> That's like saying a midget's a person!!
__________________
3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

Last edited by Hanxter; 05-05-2006 at 05:08 AM..
BigBen is offline  
Old 05-04-2006, 12:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
MexicanOnABike's Avatar
 
Location: up north
hmm. bash.org you should atleast post the top 100. some of these are fucking lame!
http://bash.org/?top

Code:
#23396 +(23651)- [X]

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

#4281 +(22730)- [X]

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

#5273 +(21649)- [X]

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

#99060 +(18522)- [X]

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY  HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I  DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

#244321 +(14645)- [X]

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

#5300 +(14516)- [X]

<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

#287414 +(13494)- [X]

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.
<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> fucking ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

#99835 +(12280)- [X]

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

#207373 +(11100)- [X]

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

#5775 +(10863)- [X]

* ab is away - gone, if anyone talks in the next 25 minutes as me it's bm
  being an asshole -          
<ab> HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS

#4753 +(10709)- [X]

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

#111338 +(10307)- [X]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

#414593 +(9708)- [X]

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

#23601 +(9388)- [X]

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

#258908 +(9123)- [X]

<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)

#21516 +(8903)- [X]

<turno> I want to fuck Michelle's brains out with my huge fucking cock, over and over again .. and then her sister can come and join us too.
<Seeker> Err turno, your mom reads the quotes on bash.org?
<turno> I'll fucking KILL YOU! !
<Seeker> Your mom does work for the church ? If she reads what you just said she'd be pretty angry right?
<turno> Dude you have no fucking clue, don't seriously... you'd be ruining my life.
<Seeker> Don't worry, I won't post it.
[Privmsg] <Seeker> Hey dude, I'm gonna paste something - will you post it on bash.org?
[Privmsg] <opiate> the turno thing? haha you fucking bastard!!
[Privmsg] <Seeker> hehe his mom's gonna fucking kill him, drag him to that church they go to and get the priest to sodomise him.
[Privmsg] <opiate> yeah and then he's gonna come fucking kill us, still I reckon it's worth it;)
[Privmsg] <turno> You're not gonna post it are you ? Please don't .. I'm begging you.
[Privmsg] <Seeker> I'm not gonna post it:) and even if I did she'd never know that your nick turno was her son Michael Savu .
[Privmsg] <turno> *phew* spose you have a point

#405221 +(8773)- [X]

<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you mother fucker

#104052 +(8466)- [X]

<NES> lol
<NES> I download something from Napster
<NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
<NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
<NES> "getting my song back fucker"

#330261 +(8420)- [X]

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

#349567 +(8385)- [X]

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

#9322 +(8315)- [X]

<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> |    .
<Ouroboros> .    |
<tag> |  .
<Ouroboros>    . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros>      | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

#9501 +(8203)- [X]

<AgentSmith> It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr. Anderson. In one life, you are Robert Anderson, assistant cook at a Jack in the Box in Mesquite....in the other...you go by the chat alias "Randerson"...spreading homosexual propoganda, lying, and being a generally immature pest...
<AgentSmith> One of these...has a future.
<Randerson> LMAO OMFG where's the phone, I have to tell Dean about this
<AgentSmith> How can you use the phone when you cannot...speak?
*** AgentSmith sets mode: +m

#178890 +(8095)- [X]

*** Now talking in #christian
-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info
<Abstruse> !kjv numbers 22:21
<Word_of_God>  Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. -  (KJV)
*** SageRider sets mode: +b *!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au
*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear)
<Abstruse> I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see that...

#261501 +(7946)- [X]

<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

#25464 +(7890)- [X]

<kow`> "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."
<SpaceRain> That's only 2 types of people, kow.
<SpaceRain> STUPID

#125283 +(7856)- [X]

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes  Mrs.Miller.. :-/

#104383 +(7656)- [X]

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

#8814 +(7630)- [X]

<Night-hen-gayle> I gotta go.  There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out.  Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

#171987 +(7507)- [X]

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

#127039 +(7438)- [X]

<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
       Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
       in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
       whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
       telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
       then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
       they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
       Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
       business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
       added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
       so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
       the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
       yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
       demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
       very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

#142934 +(7313)- [X]

docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

#434593 +(7181)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'

#8102 +(7068)- [X]

<glome> Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?!
<content> glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
<glome> Who me?!
<content> Yes you!
<glome> Couldn't be!
<content> Then WHO?!!
<glome> Woody stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
*** glome has been kicked by DrWoody (fuck you i didn't touch the motherfucking cookie, bitch)

#262353 +(7032)- [X]

<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike
<goatboy> what?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> er?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> and?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> ...
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> i dont get it
<MooseOnDaLoose> AND YOU NEVER WILL.
<goatboy> bastard

#24 +(6997)- [X]

<ckx> women ask for it
<ckx> they act all old and mature
<ckx> and then you stick your cock up their ass
<ckx> and they get all bitchy
<ckx> "I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!"

#85514 +(6533)- [X]

<Reverend> IRC is just multiplayer notepad.

#309397 +(6461)- [X]

<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
<peng> ...
<peng> what?
<VolteFace`> oh shit
<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you DROP shit

#77904 +(6417)- [X]

<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%

#334331 +(6415)- [X]

<LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
<LordChewy> "i know dad"
<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "C:Documents and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
<LordChewy> and he just shut up
<kingKahn> what is it?
<LordChewy> its his porn folder

#50891 +(6390)- [X]

<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^
theres more. check it out if you want.
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Old 05-04-2006, 03:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
Sky Piercer
 
CSflim's Avatar
 
Location: Ireland
Quote:
Today I was at a restaurant and was waiting for my food.
Then I started to play my DS on pictochat see? And I found someone that was playing it too.
We started to draw pictures and thinking it was some older guy and everything, I was joking around and drew a penis.
I looked up to see who it was and about 20 feet away, I heard a gasp. I look up and itís a 10 year old girl with a DS in her hands.
I immediately closed my DS and hid it. That was freaken scary.
Hahahahahah! Some of these are great.
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Old 05-05-2006, 02:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
Zyr
Crazy
 
Location: Hamilton, NZ
Yeah, he's just posted the latest ones. http://www.bash.org/?latest
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"Oh, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83 when I was the only practitioner of it, and I stopped because I was tired of being stared at."

Omnia mutantu, nos et mutamur in illis.
All things change, and we change with them.
- Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602
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Old 05-05-2006, 05:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Meier_Link's Avatar
 
Location: in a state of confusion
that tubgirl.com thing is NOT cool
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Old 05-05-2006, 05:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Meier_Link's Avatar
 
Location: in a state of confusion
This was the funniest of all of them.

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
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Old 05-06-2006, 01:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
Indifferent to anti-matter
 
vermin's Avatar
 
Location: Tucson, AZ
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thank you both.
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Old 05-08-2006, 02:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
Non-Rookie
 
NoSoup's Avatar
 
Location: Green Bay, WI
Dunno why, but this one has always stuck with me...

Taken from this thread about a guys who tried hitting a kid with the door of a moving vehicle - but fell out and faceplanted on a bumper.

I was talking to him on AIM, and here's a piece of our conversation...

Quote:
Mattkl390: shattered nose, broken pallette,missing 3 front teeth,, and internal crack of my skull
NoSoup: Ouch... did you need reconstructive surgery?
Mattkl390: yeah lots
NoSoup: Granted, it was a really stupid thing to do...
NoSoup: but It isn't like I haven't ever done anything dumb either
NoSoup: fortunately, there wasn't a car parked in front of me, lol
Mattkl390: yea good thing cuz it can be brutal
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Just in case you were wondering...
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Old 05-13-2006, 07:10 AM   #9 (permalink)
High Honorary Junkie
 
Location: Tri-state.
these were hilarious!!
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Old 05-13-2006, 07:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Quote:
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right
Ha ha. Awesome.
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