Billy Conolly
 

Billy Conolly - his own words:

Things I hate about everybody....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser,
I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well
I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.




Number 13 is my favourite :D
And I agree totally with #3, it's just such a stupid saying.

mine too, thanks for the laugh!

Quotes from my fave comic

lol.. he's bloody good I'll give him that :)

billy connely is such a hero!

These are great! Thanks for posting them!

That made me f*cking laugh out loud. He's one funny f*ck, isn't he.

Pretty good post...thanks

yeah mine too

haha, #'s 3 and 7 are my favorite.

That guy kills me. A modern day Lenny Bruce... anybody remember the "FucK is the nicest thing you can say to anybody" routine?

I love 9, I get this ALL the time.

haha, so funny!

Definitely funny stuff. Thanks!

Excellent post. ;) Billy Conolly is GREAT.