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Old 06-18-2003, 09:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
Oracle & Apollyon
Prophecy's Avatar
Location: Limbus Patrum
5 Random Jokes

A man and a woman are on a plane next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

The wives of four Presidents and Prime Ministers are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because it always rises to the occasion.
The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Hillary says in the USA people call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

It is early Saturday morning, and Mother Superior of Saint Mary Margaret Convent in County Clare hears a knocking at the door. She opens it, looks around and there is no one there. She is about to shut the door when a tiny voice says, "Down here, Mother Superior". She looks down and there are two of the little people in their bright kelly green outfits, red beards and little hats with a clover in each. One is really drunk out of his skull and the other is not much better off. He tips his hat and says, "Top o'the mornin to ye, Mother Superior. Me guid friend Liam here would like to be knowin' if ye have any leprechaun nuns in the convent"? "No, we don't have any little people in our convent", she replies. Liam grunts a few words in Pat's ear, to which he then says to Mother Superior, "Well, are there any leprechaun nuns in the local parish"? Again she replies, "No, there are no leprechaun nuns in the parish". Liam again grunts something in Pat's ear. "Well, can ye be tellin' me, Mother Superior, does the Cathlic Church have any leprechaun nuns at all?" "No", she replies. "The church doesn't accept little people into any religious order". Pat turns to Liam and says, "D'ye see now Liam? That was a penguin ye fucked in the bar last night".

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride buck naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
She replies with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."
"W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"
La Disciplina » La Mia Spada,
La Fede » Il Mio Schermo,
Non salti Ciecamente In Incertezza,
E Potete Raccogliere Le Ricompense.
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Old 06-18-2003, 01:13 PM   #2 (permalink)
Location: 1 mile from Ground Zero
Some really funny ones in there.

I'm "Glad I Ate Her" because the payback was worth it!!
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Old 06-18-2003, 01:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
Location: Oregon
that last one was a crack!!!
"It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't care"
- Homer Simpson
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Old 06-18-2003, 01:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
lol - thanks
CaptainSpeedy is offline  
Old 06-18-2003, 02:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
lol nice jokes
yangster is offline  
Old 06-19-2003, 08:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
so many men...so little time.
Location: Bellingham
Those were good! Thanks
txgirl is offline  
Old 06-19-2003, 02:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
Location: British Columbia
nice, the last was the best for sure.
Eviltree is offline  
Old 06-19-2003, 05:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
hahaha, funny jokes
Flesh is offline  
Old 06-19-2003, 07:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
cchris's Avatar
Location: Sydney
There's a fine line between participation and mockery
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Old 06-19-2003, 08:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
Metal and Rock 4 Life
Destrox's Avatar
Location: Phoenix
hehe, got laughs outa me
You bore me.... next.
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Old 06-19-2003, 11:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
Loose Cunt
Meridae'n's Avatar
Location: North Bondi RSL
Last one gets my vote as well...
What's easier to believe: that a guy was born without sex in the manner of several Greek demigods and grew up to be able to transmute liquids and alter his body density yet couldn't escape government execution, or that three freemasons in a vehicle made with aluminum foil in an era before digital technology escaped our atmosphere, landing on the moon, broadcasted from there, and then flew back without burning up?
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Old 06-20-2003, 12:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
Shackle Me Not
jwoody's Avatar
Location: Newcastle - England.
Thanks for the laughs. 4 out of 5 ain't bad.
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Old 06-20-2003, 01:32 AM   #13 (permalink)
Location: chocolate city
Very good. The four wivs was best
bravo49 is offline  
Old 06-20-2003, 05:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
Thanks for the chuckles, not too shabby!!!
txstrosman is offline  
Old 06-22-2003, 05:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
Location: OMFG BRB
that last one was nastay nastay
doubleaught is offline  
Old 06-22-2003, 05:50 PM   #16 (permalink)
loganmule's Avatar
Location: midwest
all good, and hard to pick a favorite...these go in my joke folder, thanks
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Old 06-22-2003, 07:05 PM   #17 (permalink)
I loved the penguin one and the last one... both came out of left field.
Sorry, I can only exorcise clam spirits.

EbichuMAAN! From the dark end of the dark has been chosen for disipline, from the moon to the stars, no one knows what a justice and earnest shopkeeper then today, the justice maker in tonight by the way, they call it: Ebichuman.
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Old 07-14-2003, 11:17 PM   #18 (permalink)
Merlocke's Avatar
Location: Canada
last one's a classic
-=[ Merlocke ]=-
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Old 07-15-2003, 07:05 AM   #19 (permalink)
Talk nerdy to me
God of Thunder's Avatar
Location: Flint, MI
You owe me a new keyboard and monitor for the last one.

Thats the last time I drink Mt. Dew and read the humor forum again.
I reject your reality, and substitute my own

-- Adam Savage
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Old 07-15-2003, 09:13 AM   #20 (permalink)
Hiding Out
All of em good!
Say yes to the 'Tilted Roleplaying' Forum

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Old 07-15-2003, 11:12 AM   #21 (permalink)
Keg-o-Grog's Avatar
Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.
the nun joke fucked ruled man !!! wEEEEEEeeeee
I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you.

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Old 07-15-2003, 03:15 PM   #22 (permalink)
I liked the one about pepper thats a hot one.
izzzzy is offline  

jokes, random

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