Tickford

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.

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Life is sexually transmitted.

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead? "

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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Get the last word in: Apologize.

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Give a person a fish and your free of them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

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Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

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You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Samuel Goldwyn

cchris

Awesome list

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There's a fine line between participation and mockery

fizzledorf

funny, and yet true -- the best kind of jokes!!

Brewmaniac

Fantastic! Thanks

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

slant eyes

awesome list, thanks for posting

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no man or woman is worth your tears - and the one who is, won't make you cry

question authority, don't ask why, just do it!

Glad-I-Ate-Her

Reality - what a concept.

Glad

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I'm "Glad I Ate Her" because the payback was worth it!!

Root_Beer_Man

hehe i read it over a few times...they good

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>3 Cheers for boobies!!<